Breathe in, Breathe out

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood. I won't go into the reasons why, at the risk of airing my #firstworldproblems (really, the reasons are very silly). But, the fact remains - I woke up this morning in a terrible mood.

I spent the first part of my day dwelling on this bad mood. I gave the anger and the sadness time, and I gave it my attention, and I gave it energy. As I was making my bed, as I was doing laundry, as I was eating breakfast, I was dwelling in this bad, sad place.

Then, I heard a still, small voice.

Open your Bible, it said.

So I did. And Psalm 62 grabbed my attention.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. 

He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

...

Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

(62: 1-2, 8)

There's that still, small voice again: I am your refuge. I am your fortress. Trust in Me. Pour out your heart to me.

Who am I to argue with that still, small voice? 

So I decided to roll out my yoga mat and do a little centering. With each breath in and out, I took in peace, strength, and hope; I exhaled my worries, my fears, my sadness, my anger. 

I'm not perfect. This day may be up and down. But I have an anchor to which I can cling, a hope that will never disappear, a refuge that will never be shaken.

As my yogi asked me to declare my intentions for the day, the still, small voice supplied His intention for my day, for my life:

You are not alone.

Shiner Prickly Pear

For those of you from Texas or with loved ones from Texas, you have probably (at some point) tasted (and enjoyed) a Shiner beer. Brewed in the tiny town of Shiner, TX, Shiner beers are not only delicious; they represent Texan culture in a fantastic way - not only through the brewery's history, but also through the beers that they brew.

Two of my favorite Shiner draughts are Shiner Cheer, which is a holiday beer that has flavors of pecan and peach (two uniquely Texan flavors to add to a holiday brew), and Shiner Ruby Redbird, which features delicious Texas ruby red grapefruit.

My love for Shiner beer is clear by this point, I imagine. So imagine my intrigue when I walk into my local Harris Teeter grocery store (being a North Carolinian, I feel it is my obligation to support local grocery stores, just as I patronized Publix in Florida - shout out to PubSubs!!!), and I see Shiner Prickly Pear beer.

"Huh," I thought. "That's a new flavor. It sounds good, and I've enjoyed cactus-influenced beers before" - here, a shoutout to my favorite beer in the world, Breckenridge Brewery's Agave Wheat - "...but I don't know, that sounds kind of weird. Should I buy it? I'd be stuck with a whole six-pack..."

My deliberations proved too much for me, and (ultimately shopping on a budget) I decided to pass the Prickly Pear by, waiting for a later date to sample this brew.

Now, I regret that decision.

I just moved to a new city and state, as referenced in my last blog post. I am on my second job out of graduate school, and I'm a young woman in my twenties. Now is the time when I need to be putting myself out there - trying new things, meeting new people, exploring new places, and more. I can't let fear of the unknown hold me back.

If I let fear hold me back, I never would have gone out for a co-chair position in my undergrad's extended orientation program, and thus discovered my future career path (and had what is, to this day, the best summer of my life).

If I let fear hold me back, I would never have gone to graduate school at The Florida State University, and met some of the best people (and learned some of the most important things) in my life.

If I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have accepted a fantastic position in Indiana, and moved halfway across the country, away from all my friends and family, only to find a new home in the Midwest and deep, meaningful experiences in my first professional job.

And if I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have branched out and gone for this new job, one that matters deeply to me and one that I suspect is going to teach me even more than I could possibly imagine, in addition to bringing me back close to my family and in a state that I love (only second to Texas).

I wouldn't have already made some new friends - shoutout to my colleagues in the Union, Orientation, Greek Life, and more. I wouldn't have tried yoga in a brewery (stereotypical young professional, anyone?). I wouldn't have discovered the beautiful greenway behind my apartment complex.

Now is not the time for fear. Now is the time to grow.

So you can bet your butt, the next time I grow to the grocery store, I'm going to buy myself some Shiner Prickly Pear. It may not be for me, but it's worth a try.

'Most everything is.

Puzzling

For anyone who's seen any of the modern classic TV show New Girl, you probably know who Winston is - sometimes the voice of reason, sometimes an absurd and delightful part of our favorite roommate foursome. For those of you who don't know Winston, there are a few facts that are critical to understanding who Winston is as a human, and one of those is that Winston loves puzzles.

Or, as Winston calls it, "Puzzling."

Unfortunately, Winston is also very, very bad at puzzles. Like, really, really, really bad. (Click that link. It's important.)

I've been reflecting a lot recently, on life and its changes. For those of you who don't know, I just started a brand new job, at a new institution, in a new state. And while I am incredibly excited about this change (seriously. so pumped.), I also can't really believe it's happening.

I didn't know this time three years ago when I was job searching where I would be just one month later (accepting a job at Indiana University), let alone that three years later I would be moving to North Carolina to start a completely different position at a new institution. I didn't know all the wonderful friends and colleagues I would be meeting shortly in the Midwest and the amazing connections I would make that would lead me to new personal and professional families (Gamma Phi Beta and ACUI, respectively). I didn't know I would adapt to 6-month, sub-zero-degree winters, or that I would fall in love with the incredible melancholic beauty of fall and the dazzling, inspirational springtime. I didn't know that I would be challenged beyond what I thought possible, that I would learn more than I thought possible, nor that I would grow beyond what I thought possible.

But I was, I did, and I definitely, definitely did. Life's funny that way, isn't it? It makes me think of my friend Winston and his love for puzzles. To me, life is a puzzle. Sure, you may have a picture of the "end result" that you'd like to see ("IT'S A JAPANESE GARDEN!"), but that doesn't necessarily make puzzling any easier. And hell, what happens when, like me and (I imagine) so many of you, AND like our friend Winston,  we DON'T know how the puzzle is supposed to turn out?

All we have to go on is a general shape - a rectangle. A life.

We've got guiding, "border" pieces - those checkpoints along the way. A job, friends, family, hobbies.

But all those middle pieces? Everything in between? Pure guesswork.

Will we find love? I don't know. Will we like our jobs, or even tolerate them? I don't know. Will we get those promotions, those raises, those corner offices we dream of? I don't know. Will we stay with this same company for years, or hop around like the true Millennials we are? I don't know. I truly, truly don't know what's next.

All I can do, like my buddy Winston, is take this crazy life puzzle one piece at a time. I can sift through my core values, through what I hope to achieve, and I can make leaps of faith. Sometimes they'll pan out, sometimes they won't. What matters is in the trying.

And that feeling, when you find two pieces that fit together? When you start to see just a glimpse of the bigger picture?

Well, isn't that why we're out here puzzling in the first place?

Gratitude Lesson #3: Asking the Tough Questions

Today, as I had a life chat with Alexa, a dear friend and up-and-coming colleague, we talked about those dark places that we occasionally get into in our lives. I've written about these low places before - the doldrums, the proving grounds, the valleys. They suck, but they're real points in our lives when things just don't fit or work the way they're supposed to. We may feel down, or lost, or off our groove. Whatever it is, the low places are NOT fun.

What often helps me wake up a little, to get enough of a jolt of electricity to get myself moving again so I can try to get out of the valley, is often the thing I dread doing the most - asking myself (or finding someone to ask) the tough questions.

You know the questions I mean.

"What are you NOT doing?"

"Are you really doing your best?"

"What are you so scared of?"

"Who are you, really?"

These questions are scary as hell, let's be honest. But let's also be honest that a lot of times, we're tempted in life's valleys to throw ourselves a big pity party. And for a while, that can be a healthy behavior. Acknowledge your feelings - sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, etc. Know thyself.

But also know that dwelling on those feelings won't get you out of the valley. You must name the feeling, of course, but you also must acknowledge that that feeling is probably the very barrier (or one of them) that is preventing you from getting out of the valley. And by asking the tough questions, you are saying to yourself, "Okay. So let's say I name this feeling, this barrier.... how am I going to overcome it, or find someone to help me overcome it?"

Dwelling in the valley lets the bad feeling win; dwelling lets the darkness win. Asking the tough question is shining a flashlight on the dark corners, opening the curtains a little to let some sunlight in.

Sometimes, these tough questions can make the valleys seem even deeper and darker, because we recognize how far we have fallen, and how far we have to get back up again. However, by asking the tough questions, I think we acknowledge that there's another mountain to climb, there's another journey to be had. Life doesn't end at the valley; life is about seeking out the next mountaintop to climb.

So find the person who will be your proverbial sherpa, who's going to ask you the tough questions. It may be a parent, a family member, a friend, a mentor. It may be you who's brave enough to shine the light in the dark place. And know that it's going to hurt, asking the tough questions. It's never easy getting out of the valley. But if you're willing to not only name your valley, but also name the barrier blocking your way out onto the next mountaintop, you're going to discover the path out of the bad times a lot faster.

Take it from someone who knows. I'm so thankful to have had friends, family, and mentors who have asked me the tough questions, and recently, I've found the courage to ask myself the tough questions. In the end, I've found that it's worth the risk of the pain to be able to find a way, one step at a time, out of the low places.

Gratitude Lesson #2: When Skies Are Gray

As a part of my One Word 2015, Gratitude, I'm trying to take some time to recount and reflect on lessons I'm learning about gratitude.

Today's post is going to be short, but it needs to be written.

It's mid-winter now. Although daylight is finally getting longer again, the cold weather just won't let up, and the odds are that days are cloudy instead of sunny. Life, too, is often "cloudy" and challenging this time of year. Not only are my work and professional commitments abuzz with the turn of the year, this is just one of those times that everything seems to be converging on me all at once.

Some of it is good - new responsibilities at work, the beginning of the graduate student hiring season - and some of it is not so good.

There are times in life when skies are gray, proverbially and literally. What I'm learning to be grateful for are the people around me who manage to bring the sun out whenever they're around. Loved ones who I talk to on the phone or via text or G-chat; coworkers who know exactly what joke or story to tell; students who pop in to tell me enthusiastically about their new program idea or just to say "hi."

These are the bright rays of sunshine that brighten up my cloudy days, and for these moments, I'm awfully thankful.

Gratitude Lesson #1: When your car doors freeze

I knew that when I chose a word like "gratitude" for my 2015 One Word resolution, I would be challenged. All new year's resolutions get challenged eventually, we know this to be fact (that's why we tend to break them!). And with how near and dear this word is to my heart for this year, I figured there were going to be some tough moments over the next 360 days.

And yet, somehow, I didn't expect to be tested before I even got to work today, my first day back for the new year. But there I was. It was 9:30 a.m. this morning, a Monday. It was approximately 21* Fahrenheit outside, and all four doors on my car were frozen shut.

I have to pause the story here to say, I drive a 1999 Honda CR-V. She is a beautiful and special car named Lady Luck, and because she is a bit of a senior citizen, her locks have been known to freeze a time or two before. It's cold in Indiana. It snows occasionally. I do not panic. Normally, my plan of attack is thus:
1. Open the back hatch of my car.
2. Climb into the very back luggage area of my car and then clamber over the backseat and thence into the driver's seat.
3. Pray no one thinks I'm breaking into a random stranger's car to steal it.
4. Start the car, turn the heat on full blast.
5. Play with the (manual) locks a few times, hoping they budge.
6. When they don't, exit the car the same way (while repeating step 3) and go inside to finish getting ready for the day.
7. When I'm ready to depart, climb back in through the very back hatch (again, step 3 is key here) and try the locks again.

At this point, normally one of my backseat passenger doors has unfrozen, so I can close the back hatch and climb in through the back passenger door like a (more) normal person, and then wend my way to campus. Once I've made it to campus, the front driver or passenger door has usually thawed, so I can go about my day as usual.

Today, Lady Luck was just. not. having. it.

I waited for a solid 20 minutes while the heat blasted, while I prayed and jiggled the locks and kicked the doors and wiggled the handles and... nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The clock ticked closer to 9:30 a.m., and I had to face facts - those doors were not. going. to. open.

Twelve hours later, this story is pretty funny. Heck, an hour after it happened this story was funny. But in the moment, I wanted to weep. I wanted to give up, call somebody, pull out a hair dryer and an extension cord (don't think I didn't think about it, I sure did), go to town on my poor mostly-reliable-but-sometimes-decrepit car.

Instead, I paused. I took a deep, frigid breath. I said to myself, "Gratitude." I sent up a little prayer of thankfulness. And I climbed back in my car, turned it off, climbed back out (yep, got my workout in for the day), closed the back hatch, and decided to take the bus.

And you know what? I noticed the sun shining, and how markedly different (friendly, even) frigid winter days seem when the sun shines. I noticed the birds singing, and how particularly beautiful they sounded over the quiet morning air. I pulled up the IU Mobile app, and was infinitely thankful for the genius who came up with live bus tracking. I walked 200 feet from my front door to a bus stop that is free for me to use as an IU employee and whose bus routes spread all throughout campus and town. And when I caught the bus 5 minutes later (a little chilled, I'll admit) I rode in a warm vehicle just 20 minutes right to the front door of the building where I work.

And when I got home this evening (driven by my wonderful grad student), my front driver's side door unlocked and opened up right away.

I guess at the end of it all, I have a lot to be grateful for.

I wonder how I'll exercise my gratitude tomorrow?

My #OneWord2015: Gratitude

I have received incredibly positive feedback about my retrospective of 2014, and I thank you all for reading! To continue the theme of the new year, I decided it's time to reveal my word for 2015.

For the past several years, I have participated in a new way of making new year's resolutions - instead of making a list of things that I just want to improve about myself (and inevitably not meeting those lofty goals), I select One Word that will guide my growth and direction for the coming year. In 2012 I chose "Believe", in 2013 I chose "Center," and this past year, I chose "Simplicity."

The One Word selection is not random; you are encouraged to reflect in several directions before you select a word (or, really, before a word comes to you). First, you should look inward. Reflect, and ask yourself three questions. One, what do I need? Two, what's in my way? And three, what needs to go?

Second, you should look upward. The creators of the One Word Movement encourage prayer and meditation, asking God to let us know what he wants to do in us and through us for the coming year. We are encouraged to sit still and quietly, and to wait for the word to be spoken to our hearts.

Finally, you should look outward. Once a word has been decided, you should SHARE it! Let others know what word will be guiding you for the year, and let them know how your goals are shaping up, so they can support you and hold you accountable.

This blog post is my "look outward." I have done lots of the first two suggestions - I have reflected, looked inward, and thought long and hard about what is working for me and what didn't in 2014. At the link, you can read some of my reflection about what I need more of in my life, what is in my way, and what I think needs to go.

I have also done a LOT of the second suggestion, looking upward. I've blogged many, many times about how important and central my faith is in my life, and I think my word this year really comes from that place of communicating with God. As I think about where I am currently and what my heart needs, the idea of gratitude keeps coming to the forefront, over and over again.

You see, as I prayed and reflected, the things that I discovered I needed, I craved, were things like joy, blessing, kindness, mercy, grace, healing. Although many of you who know me would probably argue that I seem like a pretty joyful and happy person (thank you), I know the truth. I struggle with personal priorities, with putting truly important things (my relationship with God, namely) first. I believe that what you prioritize manifests itself in the rest of your life, and so if I am not prioritizing God and living a Christian life FIRST, that will show. And I think it has. It may not be obvious to anyone else, but I can feel my joy and my energy slip away when I don't put time with God first and foremost in my life. It is not only affecting me and my happiness, it is also affecting the way I interact with others. And if I'm not letting the light of Christ shine in my every action, then what am I doing?

And truly, as I've reflected, I've discovered that this struggle doesn't come from a lack of trying or striving. I would argue that I strive too much. Instead, I have discovered that what I need more of is rest - rest and trust in God and His provisions, and gratitude in my belief that He has already provided for me.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

My theory for 2015 is that if I take more time to be thankful - to appreciate the blessings I already have, to share my gifts with others without asking anything in return, to express to others what they mean to me - my cup will overflow. Instead of worrying about the future, I hope to focus on the present. Instead of comparing myself to others, I hope to be thankful for the strengths I possess. Instead of taking things like my health or my finances for granted, I hope to actively pursue wellness in all forms. I want to let an attitude of gratitude pervade my thoughts and hopefully color all of my decisions and interactions for the coming year.

Does this mean I'm going to be a doormat, to be passive and just let things happen to me? Absolutely not. To me, gratitude is action. Gratitude is not sitting idly by, taking advantage of everything or feeling entitled. Gratitude is using the gifts God has given me to better glorify Him. Gratitude is movement, pursuing, seeking, asking, knocking. Gratitude is recognizing that God has opened and closed various doors in my life, but it is up to me to move through them or past them to forge my path. Gratitude is strength, knowing that "He who calls [me] is faithful, and He will do it" (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

For all these reasons and more, gratitude is my One Word for 2015. I encourage you, if you know me, to check in with me throughout this year to see how I am doing with cultivating an attitude of gratitude. I plan to post again soon with some of my goals relating to my One Word, and I hope that my family, friends, and colleagues hold me accountable to those goals and plans.

I also encourage you to think about your resolutions for 2015. The idea of One Word may not be for you, but is there some driving purpose behind your resolutions for the new year? What do you need more of? What is standing in your way? What needs to go from your life, and what do you need more of in this new year? I wish you all the best for 2015... and thank you for reading.