All the Single Ladies

I have a confession to make - I love weddings.

This isn't that shocking of a confession, I suppose; a lot of people love weddings. Two people standing up in front of God and their closest family and friends, making a life-long commitment to one another? That's a beautiful thing.

Totes me.

But when I say I love weddings, I mean even more than just the wedding itself. I mean that I am one of those people who has a wedding Pinterest board, even though I'm not dating anyone. I've been known to follow various wedding blogs (Style Me Pretty is my favorite) to see what the trends are for weddings this year. When I ask my friends about their planning process, I want to know everything, from who they asked to be in their wedding party to what gifts they're getting their wedding party; from the overall colors of the wedding to what cake or food vendor they're using (and whether or not the venue is letting them bring in their own alcohol). I can't help it; the event planner in me loves hearing about all the small details, knowing that they add up to one big, special day (and recognizing that, if done right, all the small details reflect EXACTLY who the couple is, and make the day even more special).

I have another confession to make - I am currently dabbling in the online dating world (where my Tinder & Bumble peeps at???). This honestly shouldn't be that shocking of a confession, either. More and more, it's getting harder and harder for young people to meet other singles without the help of some swiping or "liking." And especially since I just made a big move to a big city a few months ago, I figure, "It doesn't hurt to put myself out there a bit! Who knows who I'll meet?"

Of course, these two confessions aren't that world-shaking, and of course, dating leads to marriage, so it makes sense that I'm making these confessions together, right?

Well, herein lies my point.

I'm 27 years young. I am single, and for the most part, loving it. Seriously, I have an amazing new group of friends here in Charlotte, as well as my friends from Indiana, grad school, college, and my hometown. I enjoy an active social life. I am career-minded and -focused, and am passionate about the work I do in higher education. I have a loving and supportive family (who all live close to each other for the first time in 4 years).

And yet, like many people, I do get lonely sometimes. I do want to put myself out there, and meet a great guy, and settle down someday to have children and a family of my own. I see my friends meeting great partners and building a life together, and I get a little jealous, hoping someday to write a love story of my own.

Per the suggestion of my dear friend Gillian, I've been listening to the Dear Sugar Radio podcast, specifically, the three-part episode about the search for "The One." And holy heck, is this resonating with me. (I highly recommend you give it a listen, no matter your demographics, but ESPECIALLY if you're a single straight woman - the content herein applies specifically to us.)

Essentially, these podcast episodes detail a national trend: the Dear Sugar folks get untold amounts of letters from single women in their twenties-to-fifties asking the same questions: when will I meet The One? Is he even out there? Is there something wrong with me if I haven't met him yet? Are there even any available men out there anymore?

The letters they read on these episodes reflect my same internal struggles every day: I love my life, and yet I can't help but feel unfulfilled without a partner with whom to share it. My feminism tells me I don't need a man to feel fulfilled, but also tells me that I can choose and build the life that I want with whoever I want (and if that's a husband, that's perfectly ok.) My faith tells me that God works in His time and His purposes are good and perfect, but that that purpose may be for me to be married someday... or it may not.

Half of my days, I REVEL in singleness - this, my twenties, is one of the few times in my life when I'm allowed to be somewhat selfish, focusing on my self-esteem, my career, and my well-being. There are times when I can definitely imagine myself leading a whole & fulfilled life without a partner, focusing my time and energies on the other people in my life that I love.

Yet, there is this pervasive cultural narrative - and my own deeply rooted desires - that tell me that I all I want, all I need, is that "happy ending." That a life without a wedding, without a husband, without children, is no life at all. That my biological clock is a-ticking away, and time. is. running. out.

Some of this is true (at least according to the economist featured on the Dear Sugar podcast - scarcity in the dating pool is REAL!).

BUT - and here's the BIG but (ha!) - the end goal of marriage & a partner cannot consume my life. Every time I go on a date with a new guy, I can't expect to hear wedding bells ring. Dating is a crazy journey that, if you let it, can teach you as much about yourself as it does about the people that you date. In relationships, in love, the journey itself is just as important as the destination.

Reflecting on all of this, I've ended up making some healthy choices for me:

1. I've committed to "try, try again" with dating. If I don't put myself out there, I may NEVER meet someone, so the least I can do is try! And in the meantime, I can enjoy each date for the experience it is - the chance to meet and connect with someone new.
2. I have scaled back my consumption of all things wedding. This doesn't mean that I'm boycotting weddings altogether; quite the opposite, actually. In order to remind myself of the true importance of a wedding - the marriage itself, and the life two people build after the event is over - I have committed to caring less about all of the trappings of "the day."
3. I want to be open about my journey. Blogging, for me - reflecting on the meaning of romance, of dating, of singleness - is key to moving forward as a healthy woman. I want to reflect on my experiences, to be open about them, to invite conversation & dialogue with those who read my blog, and to hopefully tell others that you're not alone out there in your singleness.

So, single ladies, let us come together in solidarity! Let us drown our sorrows about the seeming lack of single, available men in wine and ice cream and chocolate! Let us ALSO build one another up in our journeys toward fulfilled, love-filled lives! And, in the words of our Queen Bee, let us "put our hands up." Let us OWN our singleness, to delight in who we are as individual women as as women together - friends and confidantes, platonic soulmates. For I don't believe in "The One," but rather in MANY "Ones" - people (romantic & platonic) who come into your life for a reason, to make it better and more whole.

When in doubt, channel Beyonce.

My #OneWord2016: Well

Since 2012, I have chosen to mark each year with the choosing of One Word. The idea behind this movement is that, instead of setting resolutions for the new year that you may (or may not) keep, you choose one word that signifies what you want to focus on for the year, what you need more of in your life, and what needs to change for you. In 2012, my word was "Believe;" in 2013, it was "Center;" in 2014, it was "Simplicity;" and in 2015, I chose "Gratitude." All of those words turned out incredibly meaningful for me, especially considering the many events and changes of the past four years. 

And now, the page has turned into a new year. The earth has taken off on her course of another revolution around the sun, and I sat myself down and thought about what I want, what I need, what I hope for in 2016. 

Let's look at the facts: 2016 will mark my 28th year on the planet. It will see the completion of my first year in my new job, and my fourth professional year post-masters. This year will mark 10 years since I graduated from high school, and 6 since I graduated from college. It will see me celebrating a year as a North Carolinian. 

When I think beyond these facts, though, and envision where I want to be in 366 days (because, of course, let's not forget that 2016 is a leap year!), I picture myself happy. I picture myself more confident. I picture my faith having grown, as well as my care for others. I picture stronger relationships. I picture a grown woman who may not know where she'll be at the end of the following year, but one who knows from where her strength comes, and one who finds joy in each day.

Really, considering this goal, there was only one word that can guide my 2016: well. 

To be "well" means to be in good health, to be of sound body and mind. It means that something is satisfactory and pleasing and good. "Well" means gratifying. "Well" to me is almost a synonym for "whole" - not a thing is missing, and if it is, it doesn't matter (or, one is strong enough to seek out the missing thing).

Doesn't that sound good, to be well? I would love to end this year feeling that I grew in wellness, that I became more holistically sound and satisfactory and gratified and whole.

So, I'll be focusing at different times this year on the six different dimensions of wellness: occupational, physical, social, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. I haven't decided yet if each month will be a focus on a different dimension, or whether I'll set small goals for each dimension each month; stay tuned for that plan. But I thought that this approach would touch every part of my life - my body, my soul, and my mind, as well as my external world and my relationships.

Well in 2016 means I want to worry less, and procrastinate less. It means I want to eat better and get moving more. It means I want to spend less money in the short-term to save up for the long-term. It means I want to invest more in my relationships and strengthen them. It means I want to re-focus on my relationship with God, to return fully to Him and to rely fully on Him. 

This January 1, I'm making a commitment to be well in 2016. I invite you to keep up with my journey, as well as to ask me about my progress throughout the year. 

I have a good feeling about 2016. How can I not? This morning began with coffee, with prayer time, with writing, and with sharing my hopes and dreams for the coming year. 

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

Looking Back at 2015

December 31, 2015. Another year has passed, this one faster than all the others, it feels. Another revolution around the sun for our little blue planet, another 365 days to learn, and grow, and love.

My #OneWord for 2015 has been "Gratitude." I resolved a year ago to live this year with a thankful heart - to not take for granted the small moments in my life; to give back to God in praise the many blessings He's poured out for me; to truly appreciate this one, incredible life I'm living.

Did I succeed?

In some ways, I'll be honest - no, I didn't.

There were trials in this year. Oh, were there trials. Some of them, upon reflection, seem so silly - for example, when it got so cold in Bloomington that my car doors froze shut (for what felt like the umpteenth time). Some of them were not silly. Some of them broke my heart, and I don't use that phrase lightly. This year I experienced more loss and grief and pain than I think I ever have, and hopefully, than I will have to in a year ever again.

In these moments of pain, I did not always practice gratitude. Sometimes, I let the darkness get to me. I danced on the line of depression, and for the first time I acknowledged the anxiety that often plagues my mind. I lived in a state of fear, and worry, and I was not always grateful.

But here I am, still standing (well, sitting) here, at the end of this year. I made it; WE made it. And for that survival alone, I am grateful.

Of course, because of the pain, it was incredibly easy to be thankful for the happy moments of 2015. And there were so, so many happy moments during this past year...

• Getting this new job in Charlotte, which not only is a great job, but also enabled me to move closer to my family
• Finding out three of my best friends in the whole world are pregnant, with new lives arriving here on earth in 2016
• Returning to College Station for my first Texas A&M football game since I graduated from college (I don't want to talk about how this football season has ended, though; thanks)
• Witnessing and celebrating the weddings of some of my very best friends and dearest family members
• First-time travels to Savannah, to Chattanooga, to Atlanta, to Vermont
• Returning to some of my favorite places - San Antonio, New Orleans, Puerto Rico, Baltimore, College Station, Asheville
• Living near the mountains, and hiking as often as I possibly can

And those are just the big ones. As I read back through my Gratitude Journal, I see items like "delicious homemade dinner," "a solid and sound night's sleep," "saw a cardinal," "fluffy flakes of snow," "Mexican food," "yoga pants," and of course, "Whataburger." 

This year was about learning to be grateful for those moments, big and small, despite the pain.

But... this year was also about learning to be thankful for the pain, not just in spite of it. 

No, I'm not a masochist; far from it. Like I said, if I never have to experience moments like this year again, I would be ecstatic. But life isn't just about celebrating the happy moments and ignoring the sad. Life isn't about basking in the sunshine and hiding from the rain. Life most certainly is not 100% happy, nor will it be during my time on this earth.

So I had to learn to live in the pain this year. I had to learn how to be thankful for it. My pain this year taught me and brought me many things:

• Life is incredibly precious, and not to be taken for granted for a single moment - you never know when it might be gone.
• Family is more important than anything - any possessions or experiences. ANYTHING.
• Fail with grace. Acknowledge your mistakes. Admit them. Be truly sorry for them. Be open to learning from them. Be genuine, and accept grace and forgiveness when they are given.
• Lean on your support systems when bad times come. Withdrawal will only cause more pain and distance between you and your loved ones. They're willing to listen, and to help. Go to them. Talk.
• It is not, nor will it ever be, shameful to seek counseling. Counselors and therapists are (more often than not) easier to talk to than your family and friends. Utilize these professionals. Let the pain go. 
• Grief is one of the most singularly important processes we experience as human beings. It is important to not rush yourself through the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance), but rather to live in them and experience them and acknowledge them. Rushing yourself through them will only make the grieving continue. Don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed to grieve, or how they think you should be grieving. Only you can experience what you're feeling, and whatever your process is is right for you. 

I am thankful for these lessons. I wouldn't have learned them, or re-learned them, without the moments of pain. Thus, I must be thankful for the pain, for the difficulty, for the ugly, for the grief, for the anger, for the sadness, for the anxiety, for the depression. I must be thankful for the hard times, for they have taught me so, so much.

In the end, that's one of the biggest lessons of this year. Hard, difficult, painful, ugly moments will come; that's the way the world works. And when they do, resistance is futile. You must feel them as deeply as you feel the sunshine on your face and the rush of a warm spring wind. The pain must suffuse your body as surely as you let happiness do so. But you won't lose yourself, even when it feels like you might. Hold on tight to your anchors, whatever they may be. They will remind you of who you are, and why this life is worth living.

For me, my anchors are my faith, my friends, my family. My anchors are the lessons I've learned and the grace I've received. My anchor is the knowledge that pain will come, but so will joy. 

In sum, I must refer to the writing of Ann Voskamp, who penned "One Thousand Gifts Devotional," which has been my gratitude journal for the majority of this year. As you read this excerpt from the Devotion "Storm Grace," know that I am thankful for you as you're reading this, and that I am hoping and wishing and praying that your 2015 has been as fruitful as mine has been. 

"If God really works in everything, then why don't we thank Him for everything? Why do we accept good from His hand - and not bad?" ...Doesn't God call His people to a nondiscriminating response in all circumstances? "Giving thanks always and for everything" (Ephesians 5:20 ESV)...To thank God in all is to bend the knee in allegiance to God, who alone knows all. To thank God in all is to give God glory in all. Is this not our chief end?...Giving thanks is only this: making the canyon of pain into a megaphone to proclaim the ultimate goodness of God... That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe Christ can redeem. 

Happy new year, everyone.

(For my past retrospectives: Looking Back at 2014, 2013, 2012)

Breathe in, Breathe out

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood. I won't go into the reasons why, at the risk of airing my #firstworldproblems (really, the reasons are very silly). But, the fact remains - I woke up this morning in a terrible mood.

I spent the first part of my day dwelling on this bad mood. I gave the anger and the sadness time, and I gave it my attention, and I gave it energy. As I was making my bed, as I was doing laundry, as I was eating breakfast, I was dwelling in this bad, sad place.

Then, I heard a still, small voice.

Open your Bible, it said.

So I did. And Psalm 62 grabbed my attention.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. 

He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

...

Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

(62: 1-2, 8)

There's that still, small voice again: I am your refuge. I am your fortress. Trust in Me. Pour out your heart to me.

Who am I to argue with that still, small voice? 

So I decided to roll out my yoga mat and do a little centering. With each breath in and out, I took in peace, strength, and hope; I exhaled my worries, my fears, my sadness, my anger. 

I'm not perfect. This day may be up and down. But I have an anchor to which I can cling, a hope that will never disappear, a refuge that will never be shaken.

As my yogi asked me to declare my intentions for the day, the still, small voice supplied His intention for my day, for my life:

You are not alone.

Puzzling

For anyone who's seen any of the modern classic TV show New Girl, you probably know who Winston is - sometimes the voice of reason, sometimes an absurd and delightful part of our favorite roommate foursome. For those of you who don't know Winston, there are a few facts that are critical to understanding who Winston is as a human, and one of those is that Winston loves puzzles.

Or, as Winston calls it, "Puzzling."

Unfortunately, Winston is also very, very bad at puzzles. Like, really, really, really bad. (Click that link. It's important.)

I've been reflecting a lot recently, on life and its changes. For those of you who don't know, I just started a brand new job, at a new institution, in a new state. And while I am incredibly excited about this change (seriously. so pumped.), I also can't really believe it's happening.

I didn't know this time three years ago when I was job searching where I would be just one month later (accepting a job at Indiana University), let alone that three years later I would be moving to North Carolina to start a completely different position at a new institution. I didn't know all the wonderful friends and colleagues I would be meeting shortly in the Midwest and the amazing connections I would make that would lead me to new personal and professional families (Gamma Phi Beta and ACUI, respectively). I didn't know I would adapt to 6-month, sub-zero-degree winters, or that I would fall in love with the incredible melancholic beauty of fall and the dazzling, inspirational springtime. I didn't know that I would be challenged beyond what I thought possible, that I would learn more than I thought possible, nor that I would grow beyond what I thought possible.

But I was, I did, and I definitely, definitely did. Life's funny that way, isn't it? It makes me think of my friend Winston and his love for puzzles. To me, life is a puzzle. Sure, you may have a picture of the "end result" that you'd like to see ("IT'S A JAPANESE GARDEN!"), but that doesn't necessarily make puzzling any easier. And hell, what happens when, like me and (I imagine) so many of you, AND like our friend Winston,  we DON'T know how the puzzle is supposed to turn out?

All we have to go on is a general shape - a rectangle. A life.

We've got guiding, "border" pieces - those checkpoints along the way. A job, friends, family, hobbies.

But all those middle pieces? Everything in between? Pure guesswork.

Will we find love? I don't know. Will we like our jobs, or even tolerate them? I don't know. Will we get those promotions, those raises, those corner offices we dream of? I don't know. Will we stay with this same company for years, or hop around like the true Millennials we are? I don't know. I truly, truly don't know what's next.

All I can do, like my buddy Winston, is take this crazy life puzzle one piece at a time. I can sift through my core values, through what I hope to achieve, and I can make leaps of faith. Sometimes they'll pan out, sometimes they won't. What matters is in the trying.

And that feeling, when you find two pieces that fit together? When you start to see just a glimpse of the bigger picture?

Well, isn't that why we're out here puzzling in the first place?

My #OneWord2015: Gratitude

I have received incredibly positive feedback about my retrospective of 2014, and I thank you all for reading! To continue the theme of the new year, I decided it's time to reveal my word for 2015.

For the past several years, I have participated in a new way of making new year's resolutions - instead of making a list of things that I just want to improve about myself (and inevitably not meeting those lofty goals), I select One Word that will guide my growth and direction for the coming year. In 2012 I chose "Believe", in 2013 I chose "Center," and this past year, I chose "Simplicity."

The One Word selection is not random; you are encouraged to reflect in several directions before you select a word (or, really, before a word comes to you). First, you should look inward. Reflect, and ask yourself three questions. One, what do I need? Two, what's in my way? And three, what needs to go?

Second, you should look upward. The creators of the One Word Movement encourage prayer and meditation, asking God to let us know what he wants to do in us and through us for the coming year. We are encouraged to sit still and quietly, and to wait for the word to be spoken to our hearts.

Finally, you should look outward. Once a word has been decided, you should SHARE it! Let others know what word will be guiding you for the year, and let them know how your goals are shaping up, so they can support you and hold you accountable.

This blog post is my "look outward." I have done lots of the first two suggestions - I have reflected, looked inward, and thought long and hard about what is working for me and what didn't in 2014. At the link, you can read some of my reflection about what I need more of in my life, what is in my way, and what I think needs to go.

I have also done a LOT of the second suggestion, looking upward. I've blogged many, many times about how important and central my faith is in my life, and I think my word this year really comes from that place of communicating with God. As I think about where I am currently and what my heart needs, the idea of gratitude keeps coming to the forefront, over and over again.

You see, as I prayed and reflected, the things that I discovered I needed, I craved, were things like joy, blessing, kindness, mercy, grace, healing. Although many of you who know me would probably argue that I seem like a pretty joyful and happy person (thank you), I know the truth. I struggle with personal priorities, with putting truly important things (my relationship with God, namely) first. I believe that what you prioritize manifests itself in the rest of your life, and so if I am not prioritizing God and living a Christian life FIRST, that will show. And I think it has. It may not be obvious to anyone else, but I can feel my joy and my energy slip away when I don't put time with God first and foremost in my life. It is not only affecting me and my happiness, it is also affecting the way I interact with others. And if I'm not letting the light of Christ shine in my every action, then what am I doing?

And truly, as I've reflected, I've discovered that this struggle doesn't come from a lack of trying or striving. I would argue that I strive too much. Instead, I have discovered that what I need more of is rest - rest and trust in God and His provisions, and gratitude in my belief that He has already provided for me.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

My theory for 2015 is that if I take more time to be thankful - to appreciate the blessings I already have, to share my gifts with others without asking anything in return, to express to others what they mean to me - my cup will overflow. Instead of worrying about the future, I hope to focus on the present. Instead of comparing myself to others, I hope to be thankful for the strengths I possess. Instead of taking things like my health or my finances for granted, I hope to actively pursue wellness in all forms. I want to let an attitude of gratitude pervade my thoughts and hopefully color all of my decisions and interactions for the coming year.

Does this mean I'm going to be a doormat, to be passive and just let things happen to me? Absolutely not. To me, gratitude is action. Gratitude is not sitting idly by, taking advantage of everything or feeling entitled. Gratitude is using the gifts God has given me to better glorify Him. Gratitude is movement, pursuing, seeking, asking, knocking. Gratitude is recognizing that God has opened and closed various doors in my life, but it is up to me to move through them or past them to forge my path. Gratitude is strength, knowing that "He who calls [me] is faithful, and He will do it" (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

For all these reasons and more, gratitude is my One Word for 2015. I encourage you, if you know me, to check in with me throughout this year to see how I am doing with cultivating an attitude of gratitude. I plan to post again soon with some of my goals relating to my One Word, and I hope that my family, friends, and colleagues hold me accountable to those goals and plans.

I also encourage you to think about your resolutions for 2015. The idea of One Word may not be for you, but is there some driving purpose behind your resolutions for the new year? What do you need more of? What is standing in your way? What needs to go from your life, and what do you need more of in this new year? I wish you all the best for 2015... and thank you for reading.

Looking back at 2014

Page 365 of  365

I was online yesterday, perusing my usual social media sites, and I kept seeing December 31 compared to the last page of a book. I think this is an apropos metaphor - a year's end is like a chapter, or a whole book, coming to a close. For me, 2014 had tremendous ups and downs, and I am thankful for the experiences it brought me, but also thankful that it is done.

In 2014, I...

• Became obsessed with the show "The Wire" (WATCH IT)
• Survived the polar vortex
• Came into my identity as a feminist
• Was a cluster facilitator for IU's LeaderShape retreat and it kind of changed my life
• Got to see the incomparable Meryl Streep and Kevin Kline speak about their careers
• Visited the mountains of North Carolina (and the Biltmore Estate... is that for sale?)
• Attended my first Gamma Phi Beta convention, and fell in love with my sisterhood all over again
• Played co-rec kickball (Sidekicks, are we ready for the coming season??)
• Got addicted to the "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood" game (which I am proud to say I deleted... a week ago)
• Celebrated two years of work at IU Bloomington
• Began advising my Gamma Phi Beta chapter at IU
• Worked as a part of a terrific conference planning team for the inaugural Region VI ACUI conference in Blacksburg, VA

While those are a lot of positive achievements and milestones, I also made a lot of mistakes in 2014, both small and large, at work and personally. I was denied from 2 program proposals at two different national conferences. I struggled with my health and body image. I struggled with events all over the country, those close to my heart and those in which I learned to listen to others' needs as more pressing than my own need to understand (others' struggles with mental illness, what has happened in Ferguson, and so much more). Life always has its ups and downs, of course, but for some reason, 2014 kicked my butt a little more than most years have. 

For the past few years, I have selected one word to guide my goals and resolutions throughout the year. This One Word Movement has had varying success for me throughout the past couple of years - 2012 went GREAT, 2013 not so much - so I did the same for 2014. My One Word for 2014 was "simplicity." For a while at the beginning of the year, the world was incredibly helpful for me to parse through all of the clutter in my life to discern what was important. After a time, though, I found myself getting lost in the proverbial weeds, not seeing the forest for all the trees around me. The little tidbits of my life began to bog me down, and instead of focusing on my mantra of "simplicity," I let myself be distracted and feel downtrodden. I let the things that are really important slip away from my focus, and got mired in the tough day to day living that really can get to you after a while. At the end of 2014, I found myself exhausted, burned out, and confused as to what happened to my beautiful plan of "simplicity" in 2014. The year felt anything but simple!

Upon further reflection, as I've had some time to step away and breathe over this break, I think my mistake was in my attitude. When I had successes, I took them for granted; when I failed, I beat myself up and dwelt on the mistake for longer than I should have. I didn't "live in the moment" like I promised myself I would at the beginning of the year; I was not okay when things didn't go perfectly as I wanted to be. I made the idea of "simple" complicated.

To be fair, I set a lot of lofty goals for myself, and didn't set any plans for how to achieve those goals. I definitely made some progress over the year - I replenished my savings account from lots of traveling; I ran a couple of races and really enjoyed myself (and found myself a running buddy on campus!); I took vacation and did NOT check email; I did some good for myself! But there was so much more I wanted out of the year, and I psyched myself out of those successes. 

I say this not to self-flagellate about mistakes made in the past; I bring these instances up as examples to learn from and so that I can keep growing and understanding and becoming more of the woman I want to be in 2015. I need a change in attitude, because I can see that my current focus isn't working the best it could be. I need a healthy mind and body, to tackle each day as it comes. And I need to love myself (and others) more, to cut myself (and others) more of a break with grace and the understanding that no one is perfect. Guilt and frustration stand in my way, and my "shoulding" (thanks to Mallory Bower for that term!) has got to go. Instead of thinking I can do it all and then feeling angry and guilty when I can't, I want to trust that there's Someone who's taking care of me more than I can know, and sustaining me with strength. Instead of putting frustration out into the world, I want to put out grace, love, and understanding. I want my life to bless others; I want my words to heal and not wound. I want to live each day with an attitude of thankfulness - thankfulness that I get to live this beautiful, crazy, wonderful, sometimes frustrating but ultimately incredible life.

So after all, I guess I got some "simplicity" out of 2014. Because what could be simpler than the idea of gratitude? 

Always On Time

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:4, NIV

Those of you who are regular readers of this blog know that I'm a big believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. Thanks in large part to my faith, but also to various life experiences I've had, I see purpose in my life. I see a grander design for me, doors opened (and closed), windows cracked (and slammed shut), and paths forged (and dead-ended, requiring a U-turn and a new plan).

Of course, in the midst of my optimistic mantra, there are some big issues that I encounter time and time again... 

First, "Things" don't always "happen." Sometimes, it seems like every day is unfolding the same way for me; that I'm in  my very own "winter of discontent" (or, sometimes literal winter - living in the Midwest was a CHALLENGE this year with the whole freezing cold thing). I've experienced this multiple ways in the past, my graduate job search being a prime example. I would apply for a job, get an interview, sometimes even get an on-campus... and then nothing. No offer, no encouragement. On to the next one; wash, rinse, repeat. I'm sure those of you who are job searching right now can empathize with this feeling. Sometimes, it can feel like this on the job too - day in and day out, the same activities are happening; the same students are in and out of my office; the same programs are being planned and executed. You know, "there is nothing new under the sun."

Second, if "things" are "happening," they don't always happen how or when I want them to. I can plan all I want for my life - for my one-year, five-year, and ten-year benchmarks of "where I'll be," but in my experience, whenever I do this, God likes to giggle and say, "Nope." (Apparently I'm not the only one who's ever experienced this - I think we've got some cultural mantras, i.e. "Man proposes, God disposes" and "The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley" to back me up.) I have these picture-perfect visions of my life in my head, and I will seize opportunities that will lead me to those visions, just to have the door shut and be told "It's not for you."

Whenever I'm in the middle of these issues, of course, I get frustrated. I feel becalmed, listless, inert, like nothing will change for me. I also feel annoyed, impatient, and sometimes even pained by my perceived stagnation or frustration of plans. I shake my fist at the sky and say, "Why wasn't MY plan good enough?!?" 

But the beauty and challenge of faith is the whole "believing without seeing" thing, not walking by sight but rather choosing to trust in God's plan and His perfect timing.

Because, at the end of the day, His timing IS perfect. That's the crazy amazing awesome thing about my life experiences - time and time again, I have seen that God's timing is PERFECT. My plan may or may not have been a good one, but God's plan was ultimately better for me.

I've been feeling this listlessness lately. Summer, while one of my favorite times of year because of the opportunities it affords to rest and reflect, can also be extraordinarily challenging because of the results of these reflections. What have I accomplished? I ask myself. What am I doing well? What can I be doing better? What is the next step here? What choices should I be making to lead me to the next step? When should I be stepping, and when should I be building what I've already got where I've already got it? In my head, I echo one of the funny-but-resonates-with-me quotes that one of my students keeps saying in regard to her graduate school search: "I wish I could just see a year into the future and know exactly where I'll be going, and what I'll be doing." It's funny, because that's impossible, of course. It's funny, because I COMPLETELY empathize with her frustration. And it's funny, because I keep reminding her to "trust the process," that everything will turn out exactly how it's supposed to. I know, because I've seen it, and I know because I believe it to be true. 

Whether or not you are a person of faith, believe in a higher power, or even consider yourself  spiritual, there's something to be said for "the Universe" making things work out in a funny and brilliant way. I received a timely devotional email in my inbox this morning, which is what inspired this post:

...When God wants to make a giant oak, he takes a hundred years, but when he wants to make a mushroom, he does it overnight... 

Be patient with the process. James advised, "Don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed" (James 1:4b MSG).

Don’t get discouraged. When Habakkuk became depressed because he didn't think God was acting quickly enough, God had this to say: "These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" (Habakkuk 2:3 LB)

A delay is not a denial from God!

Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be. Years ago people wore a popular button with the letters PBPGINFWMY. It stood for "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet." God isn't finished with you, either, so keep on moving forward. Even the snail reached the ark by persevering! - Rick Warren

Isn't that an encouraging reminder? I especially love the line, "A delay is not a denial from God." God may not be saying no; he may just be saying, "Not yet."

For those of you who are frustrated and impatient, feeling like the world isn't (or you aren't) moving at the right pace, know that I feel your pain. But my recommendation? Stop for a minute. Think back on your life, and the choices and plans that led you to where you are now. See the beauty in the seemingly chaotic and convoluted paths you've walked to get to where you are, and take a moment to trust that everything is going to be okay. It's hard, and you may have to make the conscious choice to trust in a "bigger plan" every moment of every day, but a year from now, five years, ten years, 30 years down the road, you're going to be able to see the pattern that emerges from God's perfect timing, and know that He was always on time.

Persevere, my friends. The day will come when you're exactly who you are supposed to be.

Somebody Needs the Light You Have

The end of the year is a challenging time for everyone. Whether it's my colleagues in education and we're on the cusp of summer, waiting for empty classrooms, towns, campuses, and residence halls; whether it's our business fellows, waiting for the end of the fiscal year so that their budgets (and companies) can turn over and turn around; whether it's the world waiting for December 31 to turn over to January 1, for the old to become new and for a clean slate, to start fresh... the time before the "new year" can seem interminable.

Especially in higher education, I know that my colleagues and I are on the "struggle bus," riding uphill both ways in the snow 'til the quiet, relaxation, and project-based time of summer (with the exception of my Admissions and Orientation fellows; Godspeed, my friends). Spring semester is especially a rough time - programming ramps up as the year moves toward its end; as the weather gets warmer, students get antsier to get out of Dodge, headed for internships, study abroad, and summer vacation; the weeks FLY by with seemingly no rest or respite for the weary, weary educator who just wants ONE quiet moment to BREATHE and REFLECT and for goodness' sake FINISH A TASK. (Can you tell I've been feeling the crazy this spring?)

Especially here in the Midwest, winter was HARD and seemingly never-ending (cue the Game of Thrones references), and then, even as the weather started warming up (it's a beautiful and balmy 66* here currently), so did work. Task piled upon task; program piled upon program. Conference after conference took place; email after email piled up in inboxes. Offices and desks got messier and more neglected; self-care flew out the window in favor of trying to accomplish something at work, to cross just one task off of the to-do list.

I don't say all of this to get sympathy or empathy from you. A few student affairs colleagues just had some great conversations about "The Glorification of Busy" (see the #SAchat transcript here, and some good processing blog posts from Amma Marfo here and from The SA Collective here), and the last thing I want to do is try heap up sympathy for me when, honestly, I brought a lot of the "busy" down on myself.

No, instead, what I want to talk about today is the important reminder that I got in the midst of the hard time.

I'll be real, I don't handle long-term periods of stress well. I've gotten better at it over time, but I still largely react to stress and busy-ness with unhealthy behaviors (more Netflix, less exercise; more eating out, less cooking for myself; more alone time, less time with friends). I start to let the "burnout" get to me - I emotionally and mentally withdraw from my daily life; I question my choices and my actions each day; I take critiques personally and react to situations with gut-driven emotion rather than brain-based logic. (For those of you who have stayed my friend during these times, THANK YOU. Your love of me despite my inability to handle stress means the world to me.:) )

This spring semester has felt harder than most. I am wrapping up Year Two of my job, and I question if I've accomplished or learned anything at all. My students ramped up their programming toward summer, and I questioned if I've really been supporting them and teaching them in the ways that they need. All I want is to hide away in my house, or run away from everything on a loooong vacation, to cover my eyes like a kid and say "If I can't see it, it's not real."

But the other day, I was driving to work, dreading the stress of the day, and a beautiful reminder came on the radio, that I wanted to share with all of you. The song is a Christian worship song, and yet contains an important reminder that I think all people can benefit from. Here is the first verse, and the chorus:

One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

What a beautiful reminder, huh? Even in the stress, the darkness of the world, even in times when you may feel like you don't matter, that you can't possibly contribute - I know I've felt that way, many a time - somebody needs the light you have.

So even when it feels like you can't take one more step; even when it feels like the "burnout" is so bad that you need to bathe in aloe vera to treat the heat... keep on pushing back the dark. Because somebody - and you may never know who, but somebody - needs your light. Somebody needs to see you "keep on keepin' on." You may never see the fruit of the seeds you plant each day, but isn't just the idea that you're planting a seed worthwhile? Isn't the picture of the darkness, with even one candle shining, the most hopeful thing you can imagine? Let your light keep shining, however you need to do that. Somebody needs your light. Keep on pushing back the dark.

(song: "Pushing Back the Dark" by Josh Wilson)

Yeah, it's THAT kind of blog post.

Also Entitled: Faith, Feminism, and the Search for "My Future Spouse."

Context: I received a text this evening with a link to a blog post (shoutout to Briarwood and the awesome text conversation that ensued!). This particular post is one of those viral Facebook open letters, entitled “To My Future Wife” (read it here). It starts out so nicely – a young man begins to write an open letter to his future wife (obviously), something that many in the Christian community like to do.* From the title, I didn’t know what to expect; I saw such potential in the idea behind the post. But then… it starts to go downhill. A lot. For the entire post.  So now, I’m gonna do the thing that always follows an open letter – I’m going to be the person that writes an open letter in response to an open letter. Enjoy!

*(Disclaimer: I have written notes to my future husband, if there is in fact a future husband for me, and I’m not embarrassed about it. I love the idea of being able to revisit a mindset from the past, and compare the actual person with the idea of a person from years prior. And I definitely love the idea of prayers for someone you haven’t met yet, and of general Christian encouragement. This post is not a critique about the format of this young man’s blog post, but rather its content, tenor, and overall perspective.)

My dear single Christian brothers,

I’m gonna cut right to the chase – growing up, the Christian church has taught us a lot about what it means to be godly men and godly women. Some of these things are spot-on and right in line with the teachings of Christ, and some of these things have been edited and bent and shifted based on the cultural and societal roles and mores of Christians throughout the centuries. History and society are what they are, but we need to be aware of society's role in faith as we move forward into the twenty-first century. I am a believer that God created men and women for different roles in life – why else would there be two biological sexes of humans? – but I am also a believer that God created man and woman to be partners and equals in all aspects of society, especially relationships. 

"So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it’” (emphasis mine; text Genesis 1:27-28, NIV).

Hello. My name is Cassidy, and I am Christian… and a feminist.

And here’s the thing, my brothers. While I adore and cherish each of you for wanting to be a warrior for your Christian sisters, and wanting to protect our hearts and minds, we need to have a conversation about what it actually means to be a man in the Christian faith. And while I may not be the most qualified person to give you an example of what TO do (that person would be Jesus), as a woman, I can give you several examples of how NOT to relate to Christian women as a Christian man, illustrated through responses to our brother Brett’s blog post points (again, read them here) as he writes to his future wife. While I'm sure his intentions were sound, his understanding of what it means to be a man in relation to a Christian woman is… not awesome.

So without further ado, here is a reminder of some things YOU should know in order to be the kind of godly man that even stands the tiniest chance at being in a successful, loving, caring, God-honoring, Christian relationship:

First and foremost, we may not get married. Like, ever. It’s a hard truth, but a truth it is. And we need to stop teaching our Christian youth that a “future spouse” is in the cards for every one of us. While I believe the union of two people is a beautiful sacrament, provided by God, I don’t think He intended every single person on this earth to be married. I DO believe in soulmates (be they spouses or just best friends), and I DO believe that God sets aside people that are going to be VERY important in your life. But, need I remind you? Jesus never married. The disciples never married (that we know of, at least). St. Paul never married (and one can even question his overall opinion of that sacrament). What do we know at the end of the day? Christ is our bridegroom (Isaiah 54:5, Revelation 19:7-9), end of story. Honestly, he’s the main spouse that I’m concerned about, and He should be your main concern, too.

Next: yes, my brothers, I am beautiful. I appreciate your affirmation of my self-esteem; that is wonderful that you want me to remember the source of my beauty. But here’s the thing with that – I’m not beautiful because you tell me I am. I am beautiful because my Jesus says I am, and because my Maker made me. My God “has loved [me] with an everlasting love” and has “drawn [me] with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3); I was created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27); God knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13); I am “altogether beautiful” (Song of Songs 4:7)… you get the picture. So while I admire your desire to keep encouraging your Christian sisters that the beauty standards of the world are unreasonable and unjust (because they definitely are) remember – that validation cannot and should not come from you. It needs to come from God, and from within. (Otherwise, you’re perpetuating the expectation that validation for female beauty has to come from men… get it?)

While we're on the subject of female beauty... First of all, my brothers, I appreciate your modesty, but we don’t need to refer to the human body as “goodies;” that starts the objectification off on a REALLY bad foot. (You only need to read Song of Songs once to know that sex is a beautiful and natural thing, so we can be adults and refer to the human body as… a body.) Secondly, again, while I appreciate your encouragement of the values of modesty and purity (which I personally hold very dear), it is not your role to police my body. In fact, that role only belongs to one person: “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” (1 Cor. 6:19-20). I will honor God first, foremost, and only, with my body. But that is MY choice, not yours. So, with all the love and admiration and respect that you have for guarding my heart and protecting my purity… no offense, guys, but it’s not yours to guard. I ask you instead to guard your OWN body and mind first. Be concerned with how YOUR choices and YOUR actions and YOUR thoughts affect the women in your life, not blaming them for your purity struggles. (And thirdly, just real fast, probably not the best idea to compare a living, breathing, human being – especially a woman – with a car. I am neither a Honda nor a Lamborghini, and the sooner you start realizing that women are not inanimate objects to be fawned over and owned, but rather your sisters in Christ and real humans with the same value as you, the better off you’re going to be.)

Onto the next one: yes, I am a princess. But here we go again – I’m not a princess because you say so, but rather because it’s a fact. “The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” (Romans 8:16-17, NIV). If God is the King – and He definitely is – then I’m a princess by default. But you know what the thing is about princesses? We don’t sit in towers, waiting to be rescued by our Prince Charming. I already got rescued by the Savior of the World, thank you very much, and so did you. We don’t need to talk about “rescuing” each other; it takes away the focus from the real Hero of our story. 

Here's another thing - have you even READ the Bible? I’m pretty sure God’s past princesses have taken care of God’s creation (Eve), 

helped spies take down a city (Rahab), 

ruled Israel (Deborah), 

killed the enemies of God (Jael), 

saved their people from extinction (Esther), 

stayed faithful when the whole world turned against them (Mary), 

washed the feet of Jesus with their tears (Mary Magdalene), 

given all their worldly possessions to God (the widow with two coins), 

been some of the most influential founders of the Christian church outside Judea (Lydia, Priscilla, Phoebe, Mary, Tryphena, Tryphosa, Persis, etc.)… 

I’ll stop there. You get where I’m going with this. Yes, you’re going to have to fight for me, because my heart already belongs to my God. But if you want a woman who’s sitting in a tower waiting for you, you’re running after the wrong kind of woman. I, and my Christian sisters with me, am out in the field fighting dragons and having adventures all on my own. My Prince is already on my side, and our battle is already in full swing. Are you ready to join the adventure with us?

Don’t you worry, my brothers. I’ll make you work for my heart. Oh boy, will you have to work. Because like I said, my heart already belongs to Someone very special. “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (Ps. 84:2, NIV). “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my fortress, I will never be shaken” (Ps. 62:1-2, NIV). “[God] sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; God sends his love and his faithfulness” (Ps. 57:3 NIV). Honestly, I don’t want a man who pines every minute for me; I want a man who pines every minute for our Savior. I want a man who wants to be more like Jesus. I deserve more than a gentleman, and you deserve more than a woman who just wants chivalry (and who waits around to get it from the world, rather than seeking the heart of the One who loves us more than anything in this world). Let’s all strive to be a little more like Jesus, huh? Jesus said himself, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment” (Matthew 22:37, NIV).

No, love isn’t easy, my brothers. I know it, because my Savior died for the love of us, and that’s not an easy thing to do for someone. I know from my Bible studies, and from living my life, that love is a choice each day, to be patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, not keeping a record of wrongs, not delighting in evil, rejoicing in truth, always projecting, always trusting, always hoping, always persevering (2 Cor. 13:4-7, NIV). So thank you for being honest and up-front about the difficult nature of love, but here’s what I need to know – are you, as Christian men, going to make those same choices every day, based in a deep-rooted desire to honor God? Because that’s what I want.

To sum, my brothers, I love and appreciate you for what you are trying to do when you write these open letters to your Christian sisters. It takes immense courage to stand up for your convictions and beliefs; it takes even more courage to lovingly rebuke someone in the name of Christ, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:5). But that’s why I’m coming to you today – to speak the truth in love. I am asking you to check your privilege, and check your heart, that your rebukes come from a place of love, and not from a place of jealousy, envy, bitterness, command, power, or entitlement. When you speak to your Christian sisters, remember that though we may be different from you, we are not weak. We belong to the Lion of Judah, just as you do; we are warriors for Christ, just as you are. And just like us, you need to be saved, rescued, and loved with an everlasting love.

Here’s the happy ending to that story: we already have a Lover of our souls, and He’s waiting for us every moment of every day, to turn to Him and run into His arms.  My challenge to ALL my Christian brothers and sisters is this – can we stop putting each other on a pedestal, and start worshiping the Person who matters most? Let’s re-frame the conversation to be a bit more about Christ and a bit less about our “perfect mate.” 

Even more, let’s re-frame our language to speak about each other as equals and as co-heirs in Christ, as brothers and sisters, and NOT as objects or prizes to be won. But above all, keep the faith, and “encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thess. 5:11).

With all my love in Christ,

-Cassidy

Worrywart

Alright, confession time: I have found it extraordinarily liberating to take part in the #OneWord movement for the past couple of years, for the particular reason that it supplants having to make new year's resolutions. Instead of making a list of all the things I'm going to do better in the new year (and inevitably disappointing myself; let's be honest, it's HARD to keep those resolutions when all that Valentine's Day chocolate rolls around), I like the idea of living my year based on just one word. Of course, I make goals and plans that relate to living my life centered around this word, but it's infinitely easier to make goals when they have a theme.

Now, though, we get into the hard part. Confession #2: I HATE making goals for myself. I love the idea of setting goals--it's something to work toward! Something to focus on! Something to achieve! But in practice, I set this big ol' goal... and then I get scared. I get scared that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. I worry that I will not achieve the goal in the best way, or in a timely manner. I worry that I will let myself and others down in trying to achieve the goal and failing. 

A perfect example for you--this year, I want to focus on simplicity as my #OneWord2014. During my day off yesterday, I started to make some goals surrounding simplicity, plans for how to make my life easier, more straightforward, and better this year. One of these aforementioned goals is to have a better handle on my finances, especially my student loan debt, and to have a mental picture of what I'm responsible for as well as for how long I'll be responsible. So I get onto some federal student loan websites... and immediately start panicking. This is all incomprehensible. Why do they not explain this stuff to you when you sign up? Is there a human being on this planet who can intelligibly explain this nonsense to me? WHAT IF I'M SADDLED WITH THESE LOANS FOREVER?!? (If you've ever tried to grasp the concept of loan consolidation by yourself, you can probably empathize with these sentiments.)

Here I am, wanting to make my life more simple, easier... and my goal-setting methods (you know, normal things like "research" and "action steps") are only making me more confused, feel more stupid, and feel more irresponsible than I did when I began. And then I get discouraged... what's the good of setting goals if they're just going to terrify me, and set me up for more worry and more stress than I had previously? This process is extraordinarily self-defeating and disheartening for me.

I wanted to blog about this because I'm guessing I'm not alone in my detestation for this process. It's easy to feel discouraged and disheartened when a big journey or big task is ahead. So how do I overcome this fear, this stress, this overwhelmed feeling when I have tasks ahead of me? 

To be honest, that's part of what this year of simplicity is about--trying to ease the feeling of drowning, and get to the problem at its core. For me, then, the solution is multifaceted, and will need to be practiced and discussed over the coming year, and I plan to find accountability partners who will help me with the process. Here's my plan to lessen the worry and to ease the fear in 2014:

1. Pray more. Faith, as I've mentioned, is a BIG part of my life, and a big lesson that I've been learning recently is that I take a lot on myself and entrust very little to God. However, a huge part of maturing in the Christian faith is learning how to let go of the little things, and to let God sweat the small stuff. If my faith tells me that "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Rom. 8:28), then it's my job to practice believing and acting on that. To overcome the fear, I want my mantra to be what the wonderful Sarah Young said in her devotional, Jesus Calling: "Anxiety is a result of envisioning the future without [God]." If God is there, and I believe He will be, then there will be no need for worry. All I can do is offer my fear and worries up in prayer, and then let. them. go.

2. Ask for help. At times, I'm really good at asking for help. For example, when I had my mini-panic about my student loans, one of the first things I did was call my parents. They may not have a lot of concrete information about how the whole loan consolidation thing works, but they are calm and cool-headed in times when I am not, and they often help me think of small action steps that I can take to surmount big problems. Not only that, but they are sympathetic listeners, and eager to help me attack my problems. Seeking others' advice is something I need to practice more in other aspects of my life. I need to be more honest when I am feeling overwhelmed, and to seek others' perspectives and advice when I have a problem or when I feel confused or anxious. That's what family and community are for, after all--to support each other. I hope and expect that my friends and family can bring their problems to me for a sympathetic ear and good ol' strategic thinking session; I should reciprocate instead of trying to handle all my problems on my own (balancing, of course, actually asking for help vs. constantly complaining about life's hardships). 

3. One small step. This is something I counsel the students I work with on often, but in all honesty find it hard to practice myself--small action steps. Whenever I set a goal, I get so lost in how big the overall goal is that I often get intimidated and turn away. A thousand miles is a LONG way to walk (and no, I'm not getting all Proclaimers or Vanessa Carlton on you right now). But, to cite that oft-used metaphor: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. What is the one, small, easy, simple thing that I can do right now to start toward my goal? 

Hopefully, by practicing--and repeating--Steps 1-3 above, I can work toward lessening the worry and anxiety I often feel over the coming year. I want life to be simple and full of joy, not stressful and scary (as it often already is on its own). 

What are some methods that you use to overcome anxiety and worry in your life? How are you planning to be less stressed in 2014?

From Self-Reliance to Sharing Gifts

As I've blogged about before, my faith is incredibly important to me. Today's post starts with a Bible verse, but then expands into a life lesson that I hope to live by for this year, and that I hope proves valuable for some of you reading this blog!

I was doing my daily Bible study yesterday, New Year's Day, in order to try to keep true to my #OneWord2014 of "Simplicity"; in this case, getting back to the basics of what's important (i.e. my faith). My daily devotional led me to the book of Romans (the letter from Paul to the new Christians in Rome, which talks all about the basic building blocks of Christianity, which at the time of writing was a brand new faith), Chapter 12. I'll include the text that inspired me below:

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. (Romans 12:3-6, NIV)

As I've blogged about in the past couple of days, 2013 was a wake-up call for me. As I've been reflecting, I realized that I have formed the habit of holding myself to impossibly high standards, and then trying to accomplish EVERYTHING by myself. I try to put forth this facade of perfectionism, of knowing everything, of confidence and self-esteem, honestly in hopes that people will perceive me that way (and thus I'll start trusting myself in those areas... fake it 'til you make it, right?). But, over the past week, I've been realizing what a MESS holding myself to this high standard has made me. By expecting perfection of myself (something NO ONE ELSE does), and by expecting that I'll be able to handle everything on my own all the time, I've undermined my own confidence and certainty. I've been building this beautiful outer shell, but not dedicating any time to working on building a strong foundation. And because of this, the outer shell I've built is starting to crack.

I share this with all of you in the spirit of honesty, of freedom from deceit or guile that my #OneWord2014 (simplicity) signifies. I hope that by identifying the areas in my life where I'm hiding, where I'm being dishonest, where I'm not being vulnerable, I can completely break away my false outer shell and let my inner light shine.

Here's where the Bible verse above comes back in: I want to think of myself in sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given me. I want to be honest with myself about what I can truly accomplish on my own, and know when to seek help for all the rest. I want to know when to be confident in my own skills, and when to go to God for reassurance about my weaknesses. Or, in the words of another, simpler (because in 2014 I love simplicity!) translation, "...I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought [not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him." (Romans 12:3, Amplified Bible) I want to be clear and open and honest about where I'm failing and falling. I want to be truthful with myself that, while I am learning and while I am capable, I CANNOT do everything by myself. Because of my Christian faith, I want to go to God for the strength to learn from my mistakes, and to use that faith to grow and rely more fully on God and move forward.

And here's where the hopeful bit comes in. The rest of the passage above talks about how, as humans, we have a body with MANY parts, and all of those parts serve an important, indispensable function. In the same way, in the Christian faith, in the "body of believers" EVERY person (member) serves an important, indispensable purpose, because God has endowed each of us with special gifts and talents that are unique ONLY to us. It is then our job to bring those talents to the table, and serve others (and, most importantly, God).

Even if you have a different faith than mine, or faith isn't your thing, I think there's a powerful message we can gain from this. Human beings are amazing, miraculous creatures, capable of exploring deep oceans and flying to the moon and bringing forth life and saving ecosystems. But, we are also limited. We have a finite number of hours in the day in which we can do work before we have to crash and sleep. We have a finite number of years on this earth before our lives are done. So we have to take HONEST stock of ourselves (to "think of ourselves in sober judgment," if you will), to understand what our limitations are.

However, even acknowledging those limitations, even living with those limitations, every human being on this planet is important and indispensable. We all have talents, strengths, gifts, whatever you want to call them, and in order to make this world a better place, I am a FIRM believer that it's our job to bring those talents and gifts to the table to serve other people.

So, I'm going to be more honest about my limitations this year. I'm going to stop trying to be so self reliant, to ask for help more, to try to learn from my failures and mistakes. BUT I'm ALSO going to seek to utilize my strengths more, and to hone my gifts. There are things that I'm bad at, and I need to be okay with that, but there are also things that I'm good at, that I need to be thankful for. And I owe everyone--family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, students, strangers, everyone--my time, my talents, and my treasures. Gifts are meant to be shared. Light is meant to shine.

In 2014, I'm trying to go back to the basics, to find simplicity--what is natural, what is unembellished, what is sincere. Two important parts of this quest will be (1) acknowledging and being honest about my limitations, but also (2) bringing my gifts to bear, and using BOTH my strengths and weaknesses to love and serve others better and more this year.

How can you acknowledge and learn from your limitations this year? How will you utilize your strengths more? How will you let your light shine brighter in 2014?

Looking Back at 2013

I guess I've got Einstein and his Theory of Relativity (no, by following that link I do NOT expect you to understand what the heck that Wikipedia article is talking about, but it's worth a shot) to thank for the fact that 2013 sped by faster than any other year I've lived yet. And it was QUITE a year. Some amazing things happened, some... not so amazing things happened. So it's time for my now-annual year-in-review post (see here for 2012's review).

I don't know what I was expecting with 2013. Again, there were some BIG milestones to celebrate:

• My big brother got married, and I got to welcome a WONDERFUL new sister-in-law (and her family) into ours!
• I turned 25, quarter-life crisis included, and got to visit the Pacific Northwest (Portland, to be specific) and some of my BEST friends for my birthday.
• I survived my first year in my first full-time job. Miracle, in and of itself.
• I actually played a sport. Not well, but the point is I played.
• I joined a sorority as an alumna initiate, and I LOVE my new sisterhood.

All that aside, 2013 was... I don't know how to say this, other than 2013 was HARD. And I know I'm not alone in this. I've talked to a lot of other people--family, friends, coworkers--and a lot of them seem to agree with me that there was just something CHALLENGING about this year. I can't quantify exactly what was so hard; if I start going into all the individual problems I've had, this will turn into a #firstworldproblems post and that is the LAST thing I want.

Let me just sum up this year by saying that I was hoping... I expected... to finish out this year more confident, more self-actualized, more sure of who I am and of why I'm where I am and of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just knew that finishing out my first year of work would make me a more competent and confident professional; that turning 25 would clue me in to ALL of life's mysteries and secrets. 

Hell, I even chose "center" as my #oneword2013 (I never ended up blogging about it, if that gives you any indication of what a cluster this year ended up being, but you can see references to my #oneword2012 here, here, and here). I was going to use this year to center myself on and deepen my relationship with God (as you can see previously, my faith is VERY important to me); I was going to pray more, read my Bible more, just TALK with God more. But honestly--and after a recent conversation with my excellent and loving parents, I believe in being open and vulnerable about this--I am in a worse place, a bigger crisis of faith, right now than I have been in a LONG time. At least throughout my (seemingly) interminable job search last year, I felt confident and sure that God was going to come through; that I would end up in EXACTLY the right place with EXACTLY the right job, for EXACTLY the right reasons. God and I talked all the time; even when the answer I heard was "no" or "wait," I was still sure that He was answering.

But now? I'm, honestly, not sure. I've heard "wait" so much and so often that I'm not even sure WHAT I'm supposed to be waiting for. I like my job, I like my town, I love my new friends and acquaintances that I've met. But why am I here? What am I getting out of this experience? Most importantly, what in all green goodness am I actually contributing to my environment? Am I making my workplace better? Am I making my students' lives better? Am I bringing more happiness and joy and love to the lives of my friends and family?

I'm in the metaphorical wilderness right now. (Listen to this song by the O.C. Supertones to get a feel for EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.)

I am, in fact, LESS confident than I was this time last year. I'm LESS sure, LESS certain of almost everything (except about those who love and support me--I am trusting in you guys more than ever!). 

But, here's the tl;dr of this post: I'm using this last day of 2013 to decide that it's okay that I'm insecure. I am deciding that, even if I'm sure that everything happens for a reason, I don't know those reasons and I'm kind of mad about it. And I'm deciding that it's okay that I'm mad about not knowing those reasons. I'm deciding that I'm going to own my vulnerability even more than I usually do. You see, I'm a big fan of Brene' Brown's work "Daring Greatly" (something my friend Michael has been blogging about too; you can read his stuff here!), and up until this year, I would have told you that I am one of the most vulnerable people I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve; one of the Strengths that has shown up all 4 times I've taken StrengthsQuest has been Empathy, for heaven's sake. I've prided myself about my ability to feel what others are feeling, and to be open and honest about those emotions.

But what I've learned this year is that I'm NOT really open about those things. I'm not honest about when I feel like I've made a mistake, or messed something up, or when I feel stupid or wrong or bad. I try to hide behind this shell of togetherness; I like to pretend that I know what I'm talking about and that I've got my life together and that I can take care of EVERYONE ELSE without taking care of myself.

But, 2013 has CERTAINLY pulled that rug out from under me. And I'm deciding today, December 31, 2013, that I'm going to be okay.

I don't have my life together... and that's okay.

I don't know everything about everything... and that's okay.

I'm not sure what 2014 will bring to me... and that's okay.

2013 was a mess, I was (am) a mess. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. The sun will rise, the world will turn, I'll learn something new every day. 2014 is a year full of hope, a blank slate, a chance to start fresh with a new attitude. It's a chance to be okay with myself when I'm not perfect, to learn anything and everything I can from every moment, and to try to grow and live and be. 

So happy new year, everyone. May 2014 bring more blessings, more truth, more love, more hope, more faith into your lives (and mine) than we ever could want or need.