Adulting.

Yesterday, I adulted. And I mean HARD CORE adulted. I was awake at 7:00am (on a SATURDAY, y'all). I went to the DMV to renew my car registration. I went to Sam's Club to buy new tires. (Ouch.) I dropped off some dry cleaning. I ran 3.5 miles, as part of my half marathon training. And I deep-cleaned my guest bedroom and bathroom (any visitors?).

The best part: I did all of this before noon. ON A SATURDAY.

I don't even know who I am anymore, y'all.

Well, that's not true, to an extent. I know exactly who I am - I'm Cassidy, and I'm finally practicing adulting.

When the college students with whom I work start complaining about how hard life is (as we all tend to do, let's be honest), I remind them that they're adults now, and that being an adult consists of two key truths that I've learned over the past few years, since I was a college student myself.

Here are these truths, which are actually corollaries of each other:
1) Being an adult means that you have to make yourself do things you don't want to do. All the time.

When you were younger, the people who raised you probably did a lot of things for you - they would make your doctor's appointments, or pay your living costs/bills, or make your lunch for you to take to school.

When you're an adult, there's no one to do this for you. (Probably.) You have to schedule that dentist appointment you've been putting off for 3 years. You have to re-register your car at the DMV (and pay property taxes... ouch). You have to wash those dishes that have been sitting in your sink since Tuesday. You're the only person that's responsible for your life now... so do the thing. It sucks, but you're the person who can and should do it.

2) Being an adult means that you're allowed to make whatever choices you want... but you have to live with the consequences of those choices.

As you got older, you probably had to start doing a lot of the aforementioned chores for yourself, but there would be consequences if you didn't. Clean your room, or no TV. Mow the lawn, or you're grounded.  When you're an adult, a lot of times, these consequences aren't as apparent, because a lot of times, no one external is setting them for you.

Listen, the first time I realized that I could let my dishes sit in the sink for a week, I was ecstatic. Washing dishes is mundane, tedious, and sometimes icky. I didn't have a parent or roommate shooting me dirty looks for leaving them sitting; I didn't face no TV or no cell phone for not getting them done. It was magic. But after a few days, those dishes start smelling. Fruit flies may show up. And eventually, you run out of dishes.

I made a choice not to wash my dishes, but then I had to live with the consequences of not washing them - no clean dishes. An even dirtier kitchen. And those consequences, honestly, were worse than if I had just bit the bullet and cleaned them.

This is such a metaphor for adulthood it's not even funny - oftentimes, the immediate action of doing something may be distasteful, or hard, or you may be unsure of how to do it. But the reality is, the consequence of not doing the thing is 99.9% percent of the time WAY worse than doing the thing in the moment.

Sure, I can choose not to go to the doctor or dentist. But what problems are going to be worse because I'm not discovering them early? Sure, I can procrastinate on getting my car's registration renewed. But when I get a ticket for an out-of-date registration, whose fault is that? Adulthood is about facing choices, and making decisions, and then dealing with the consequences.

~

I'm still learning these lessons; I'm by no means perfect. I may have renewed my car registration yesterday; I haven't gone to the dentist in years (I'll spare you the details on how long it's been). I may have deep-cleaned my guest bedroom and bathroom; I still need to vacuum the rest of my apartment and clean my kitchen.

In the end, what I'm really working on is not feeling guilt for the things left undone; rather, I'm attempting to be proud of the progress I've made. Sure, I may slip and make a mistake, but I'm still growing and learning from those mistakes. Every small victory is still a victory - as my friend Ashlie says, "A baby shark is still a shark." Any bit of progress, however small, is still a step forward. And that's something to be proud of.

All the Single Ladies

I have a confession to make - I love weddings.

This isn't that shocking of a confession, I suppose; a lot of people love weddings. Two people standing up in front of God and their closest family and friends, making a life-long commitment to one another? That's a beautiful thing.

Totes me.

But when I say I love weddings, I mean even more than just the wedding itself. I mean that I am one of those people who has a wedding Pinterest board, even though I'm not dating anyone. I've been known to follow various wedding blogs (Style Me Pretty is my favorite) to see what the trends are for weddings this year. When I ask my friends about their planning process, I want to know everything, from who they asked to be in their wedding party to what gifts they're getting their wedding party; from the overall colors of the wedding to what cake or food vendor they're using (and whether or not the venue is letting them bring in their own alcohol). I can't help it; the event planner in me loves hearing about all the small details, knowing that they add up to one big, special day (and recognizing that, if done right, all the small details reflect EXACTLY who the couple is, and make the day even more special).

I have another confession to make - I am currently dabbling in the online dating world (where my Tinder & Bumble peeps at???). This honestly shouldn't be that shocking of a confession, either. More and more, it's getting harder and harder for young people to meet other singles without the help of some swiping or "liking." And especially since I just made a big move to a big city a few months ago, I figure, "It doesn't hurt to put myself out there a bit! Who knows who I'll meet?"

Of course, these two confessions aren't that world-shaking, and of course, dating leads to marriage, so it makes sense that I'm making these confessions together, right?

Well, herein lies my point.

I'm 27 years young. I am single, and for the most part, loving it. Seriously, I have an amazing new group of friends here in Charlotte, as well as my friends from Indiana, grad school, college, and my hometown. I enjoy an active social life. I am career-minded and -focused, and am passionate about the work I do in higher education. I have a loving and supportive family (who all live close to each other for the first time in 4 years).

And yet, like many people, I do get lonely sometimes. I do want to put myself out there, and meet a great guy, and settle down someday to have children and a family of my own. I see my friends meeting great partners and building a life together, and I get a little jealous, hoping someday to write a love story of my own.

Per the suggestion of my dear friend Gillian, I've been listening to the Dear Sugar Radio podcast, specifically, the three-part episode about the search for "The One." And holy heck, is this resonating with me. (I highly recommend you give it a listen, no matter your demographics, but ESPECIALLY if you're a single straight woman - the content herein applies specifically to us.)

Essentially, these podcast episodes detail a national trend: the Dear Sugar folks get untold amounts of letters from single women in their twenties-to-fifties asking the same questions: when will I meet The One? Is he even out there? Is there something wrong with me if I haven't met him yet? Are there even any available men out there anymore?

The letters they read on these episodes reflect my same internal struggles every day: I love my life, and yet I can't help but feel unfulfilled without a partner with whom to share it. My feminism tells me I don't need a man to feel fulfilled, but also tells me that I can choose and build the life that I want with whoever I want (and if that's a husband, that's perfectly ok.) My faith tells me that God works in His time and His purposes are good and perfect, but that that purpose may be for me to be married someday... or it may not.

Half of my days, I REVEL in singleness - this, my twenties, is one of the few times in my life when I'm allowed to be somewhat selfish, focusing on my self-esteem, my career, and my well-being. There are times when I can definitely imagine myself leading a whole & fulfilled life without a partner, focusing my time and energies on the other people in my life that I love.

Yet, there is this pervasive cultural narrative - and my own deeply rooted desires - that tell me that I all I want, all I need, is that "happy ending." That a life without a wedding, without a husband, without children, is no life at all. That my biological clock is a-ticking away, and time. is. running. out.

Some of this is true (at least according to the economist featured on the Dear Sugar podcast - scarcity in the dating pool is REAL!).

BUT - and here's the BIG but (ha!) - the end goal of marriage & a partner cannot consume my life. Every time I go on a date with a new guy, I can't expect to hear wedding bells ring. Dating is a crazy journey that, if you let it, can teach you as much about yourself as it does about the people that you date. In relationships, in love, the journey itself is just as important as the destination.

Reflecting on all of this, I've ended up making some healthy choices for me:

1. I've committed to "try, try again" with dating. If I don't put myself out there, I may NEVER meet someone, so the least I can do is try! And in the meantime, I can enjoy each date for the experience it is - the chance to meet and connect with someone new.
2. I have scaled back my consumption of all things wedding. This doesn't mean that I'm boycotting weddings altogether; quite the opposite, actually. In order to remind myself of the true importance of a wedding - the marriage itself, and the life two people build after the event is over - I have committed to caring less about all of the trappings of "the day."
3. I want to be open about my journey. Blogging, for me - reflecting on the meaning of romance, of dating, of singleness - is key to moving forward as a healthy woman. I want to reflect on my experiences, to be open about them, to invite conversation & dialogue with those who read my blog, and to hopefully tell others that you're not alone out there in your singleness.

So, single ladies, let us come together in solidarity! Let us drown our sorrows about the seeming lack of single, available men in wine and ice cream and chocolate! Let us ALSO build one another up in our journeys toward fulfilled, love-filled lives! And, in the words of our Queen Bee, let us "put our hands up." Let us OWN our singleness, to delight in who we are as individual women as as women together - friends and confidantes, platonic soulmates. For I don't believe in "The One," but rather in MANY "Ones" - people (romantic & platonic) who come into your life for a reason, to make it better and more whole.

When in doubt, channel Beyonce.

Gratitude Lesson #3: Asking the Tough Questions

Today, as I had a life chat with Alexa, a dear friend and up-and-coming colleague, we talked about those dark places that we occasionally get into in our lives. I've written about these low places before - the doldrums, the proving grounds, the valleys. They suck, but they're real points in our lives when things just don't fit or work the way they're supposed to. We may feel down, or lost, or off our groove. Whatever it is, the low places are NOT fun.

What often helps me wake up a little, to get enough of a jolt of electricity to get myself moving again so I can try to get out of the valley, is often the thing I dread doing the most - asking myself (or finding someone to ask) the tough questions.

You know the questions I mean.

"What are you NOT doing?"

"Are you really doing your best?"

"What are you so scared of?"

"Who are you, really?"

These questions are scary as hell, let's be honest. But let's also be honest that a lot of times, we're tempted in life's valleys to throw ourselves a big pity party. And for a while, that can be a healthy behavior. Acknowledge your feelings - sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, etc. Know thyself.

But also know that dwelling on those feelings won't get you out of the valley. You must name the feeling, of course, but you also must acknowledge that that feeling is probably the very barrier (or one of them) that is preventing you from getting out of the valley. And by asking the tough questions, you are saying to yourself, "Okay. So let's say I name this feeling, this barrier.... how am I going to overcome it, or find someone to help me overcome it?"

Dwelling in the valley lets the bad feeling win; dwelling lets the darkness win. Asking the tough question is shining a flashlight on the dark corners, opening the curtains a little to let some sunlight in.

Sometimes, these tough questions can make the valleys seem even deeper and darker, because we recognize how far we have fallen, and how far we have to get back up again. However, by asking the tough questions, I think we acknowledge that there's another mountain to climb, there's another journey to be had. Life doesn't end at the valley; life is about seeking out the next mountaintop to climb.

So find the person who will be your proverbial sherpa, who's going to ask you the tough questions. It may be a parent, a family member, a friend, a mentor. It may be you who's brave enough to shine the light in the dark place. And know that it's going to hurt, asking the tough questions. It's never easy getting out of the valley. But if you're willing to not only name your valley, but also name the barrier blocking your way out onto the next mountaintop, you're going to discover the path out of the bad times a lot faster.

Take it from someone who knows. I'm so thankful to have had friends, family, and mentors who have asked me the tough questions, and recently, I've found the courage to ask myself the tough questions. In the end, I've found that it's worth the risk of the pain to be able to find a way, one step at a time, out of the low places.

Looking back at 2014

Page 365 of  365

I was online yesterday, perusing my usual social media sites, and I kept seeing December 31 compared to the last page of a book. I think this is an apropos metaphor - a year's end is like a chapter, or a whole book, coming to a close. For me, 2014 had tremendous ups and downs, and I am thankful for the experiences it brought me, but also thankful that it is done.

In 2014, I...

• Became obsessed with the show "The Wire" (WATCH IT)
• Survived the polar vortex
• Came into my identity as a feminist
• Was a cluster facilitator for IU's LeaderShape retreat and it kind of changed my life
• Got to see the incomparable Meryl Streep and Kevin Kline speak about their careers
• Visited the mountains of North Carolina (and the Biltmore Estate... is that for sale?)
• Attended my first Gamma Phi Beta convention, and fell in love with my sisterhood all over again
• Played co-rec kickball (Sidekicks, are we ready for the coming season??)
• Got addicted to the "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood" game (which I am proud to say I deleted... a week ago)
• Celebrated two years of work at IU Bloomington
• Began advising my Gamma Phi Beta chapter at IU
• Worked as a part of a terrific conference planning team for the inaugural Region VI ACUI conference in Blacksburg, VA

While those are a lot of positive achievements and milestones, I also made a lot of mistakes in 2014, both small and large, at work and personally. I was denied from 2 program proposals at two different national conferences. I struggled with my health and body image. I struggled with events all over the country, those close to my heart and those in which I learned to listen to others' needs as more pressing than my own need to understand (others' struggles with mental illness, what has happened in Ferguson, and so much more). Life always has its ups and downs, of course, but for some reason, 2014 kicked my butt a little more than most years have. 

For the past few years, I have selected one word to guide my goals and resolutions throughout the year. This One Word Movement has had varying success for me throughout the past couple of years - 2012 went GREAT, 2013 not so much - so I did the same for 2014. My One Word for 2014 was "simplicity." For a while at the beginning of the year, the world was incredibly helpful for me to parse through all of the clutter in my life to discern what was important. After a time, though, I found myself getting lost in the proverbial weeds, not seeing the forest for all the trees around me. The little tidbits of my life began to bog me down, and instead of focusing on my mantra of "simplicity," I let myself be distracted and feel downtrodden. I let the things that are really important slip away from my focus, and got mired in the tough day to day living that really can get to you after a while. At the end of 2014, I found myself exhausted, burned out, and confused as to what happened to my beautiful plan of "simplicity" in 2014. The year felt anything but simple!

Upon further reflection, as I've had some time to step away and breathe over this break, I think my mistake was in my attitude. When I had successes, I took them for granted; when I failed, I beat myself up and dwelt on the mistake for longer than I should have. I didn't "live in the moment" like I promised myself I would at the beginning of the year; I was not okay when things didn't go perfectly as I wanted to be. I made the idea of "simple" complicated.

To be fair, I set a lot of lofty goals for myself, and didn't set any plans for how to achieve those goals. I definitely made some progress over the year - I replenished my savings account from lots of traveling; I ran a couple of races and really enjoyed myself (and found myself a running buddy on campus!); I took vacation and did NOT check email; I did some good for myself! But there was so much more I wanted out of the year, and I psyched myself out of those successes. 

I say this not to self-flagellate about mistakes made in the past; I bring these instances up as examples to learn from and so that I can keep growing and understanding and becoming more of the woman I want to be in 2015. I need a change in attitude, because I can see that my current focus isn't working the best it could be. I need a healthy mind and body, to tackle each day as it comes. And I need to love myself (and others) more, to cut myself (and others) more of a break with grace and the understanding that no one is perfect. Guilt and frustration stand in my way, and my "shoulding" (thanks to Mallory Bower for that term!) has got to go. Instead of thinking I can do it all and then feeling angry and guilty when I can't, I want to trust that there's Someone who's taking care of me more than I can know, and sustaining me with strength. Instead of putting frustration out into the world, I want to put out grace, love, and understanding. I want my life to bless others; I want my words to heal and not wound. I want to live each day with an attitude of thankfulness - thankfulness that I get to live this beautiful, crazy, wonderful, sometimes frustrating but ultimately incredible life.

So after all, I guess I got some "simplicity" out of 2014. Because what could be simpler than the idea of gratitude? 

LeaderShape, Day Five: Living and Leading With Integrity

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four

As the LeaderShape week winds to a close, the concepts that the facilitators work on with participants get more complicated. LeaderShape works on the principle of self -> group -> community development, and you can really see that trajectory through the themes of the days... the participants start by looking inward to discover who they are; they continue growth in groups as they learn to work together as a team; they end the week by looking inward AND outward simultaneously in order to better serve (and improve) the world around them. Day Five's theme - Living and Leading with Integrity - begins to ask participants to tie everything together. LeaderShape's mission includes the plan that "all lead with integrity," and on Day Five, participants and facilitators explore what that means.

Per the dictionary, integrity means "adherence to moral principles; soundness of character; honesty." To LeaderShape, integrity means values congruence - is what I believe in reflected in how I act? Or, am I "walking my talk"? Who do I want to be, and how do I "show up" to the world around me?

What a heavy, yet critically important concept to explore with college student participants. It's so hard to name your values, your TRUE values, at any age, but especially as a college student. Then, the challenge goes even further - are you acting out those values? Does your life reflect the things you believe in?

I've had many an occasion throughout my life so far when I've dealt with values congruence. Some of those situations have come out with a "win," and some of them, I'm sad to say, led to me making the choice that was best at the time rather than one that fit my values.

As a "win," one only needs to look to three short years ago, when I was finishing my first year as a graduate student in Florida State's Higher Education & Student Affairs program. My graduate assistantship was with the FSU Alumni Association, advising the Student Alumni Association group. As much as I was thankful for my job, and as much as I learned about alumni affairs and development, the values of the office - namely, a focus on relationships and development post-graduation (as opposed to during students' time in college) - did not mesh with my personal and professional values. As hard as it was, I decided (along with my supervisor, who was incredibly supportive) to look for other graduate assistantships that would better fit what I needed out of my time in graduate school. Thankfully, I ended up with an offer from the Student Activities Center, an office MUCH better suited to both my interests and to my values. This experience has proved incredibly important in my professional development - in order to be successful, I needed to know my values, and then I needed to realize when I was not "walking my talk"... and THEN I needed to be brave enough to take steps to live in more values congruence.

Of course, I don't always lead with integrity; I can be vulnerable enough to say so. Right now, for instance, in the first few years of my professional career, I am struggling with my value of self-care and with making that congruent with my lifestyle. You see, working as a new professional in higher education, the temptation (and expectation) exists to work hard and often, and to branch out into as many different pieces of the profession as you can. The culture of student affairs for grads and new professionals is often to make work your life, as opposed to just having it be a part of your life. (I have blogged about this expectation here.) And so, as much as I am aware of and AGAINST the idea of over-commitment... I am honestly over-committed right now. I work too much; I am bad at separating work from my personal life; I am not good at saying "no." And while I love the opportunities that are on my plate right now, I am exhausted, which is making me less effective at carrying out the duties that are expected of me. I am walking the path to burnout, something that many new professionals in higher education experience (leading to a 50% "dropout" rate within five years). I have identified my values, I have identified that I am not living in congruence... but this time, taking the steps to live with integrity is more challenging than I could have imagined. I keep saying I'll address it, but then... I don't. How, though, does this show up to my students and colleagues? What does it mean for me to tell my students to go home and not spend the night in the office, when I'm working 60-hour weeks? What does it mean for me to tell my friends that I miss them, but then have to cancel on plans because I'm "too busy"? I am not showing up as the person I want to be, and that's a problem I need to face, head-on. It won't be easy, nor will it be much fun, but for my own integrity - and sanity - it's something that I need to step up and address, before it's too late.

I'm sure you can think of areas in your own life where you've lived and lead with integrity, and where you may have fallen short. I think it's time that we celebrate where we are showing up as the person we want to be, and that, when we fall down and make mistakes, we say "How fascinating!" and try again. Learning to live with integrity, to "walk my talk," is a challenge that won't be easy, but it is one that is vital to make me be the person (and leader) that I want to be. It is a challenge that will test my mettle, that may break me down more than once, but one that is worth it, and one that I want to undertake - and meet - each day for the rest of my life.

Day Five of LeaderShape served as a wake-up call for me to live with more integrity. Where are places in your life where you can better practice "walking your talk"? Where is it time for you to step up, say "This isn't me," and take steps to show up as the person who you want to be?

Perception is Reality

Although a cliche phrase, the words "perception is reality" have taken on a new meaning for me in the past year and half of my professional work.

My profession, student affairs, focuses deeply on concepts like authenticity, intentionality, self-authorship, and clear interpersonal communication. I think these concepts are important, especially in my work with college students. I want them to learn how to be their own authentic selves. I want them to be internally driven rather than externally motivated. I want them to make their own decisions and choices, and be willing to stand up and speak up for those choices. I want them to learn how to present themselves in a way that is authentic, and professional, and that will lead to their success and happiness after they graduate.

Even more than that, I want to role model these behaviors for my students. I want to be intentional in my interactions with them, to not waste a moment we have together. I want to be authentic with them, so they know I'm a real person who cares about them, not just a "mom" figure or someone who says "no" or who challenges them constantly. I want them to engage in open dialogue with me, to critically listen to what I say and then critically think about the choices and decisions they make as a result. I want to give them constructive feedback, to let them know when they are doing well, and how they can grow and learn from their choices. I want to role model these concepts for my colleagues, too - to be known among my peers as someone who says what she means and means what she says; someone who is real and who really cares.

If I've learned anything as a communication major, higher education and student affairs graduate student, and student affairs professional, though, it's that, to borrow another oft-quoted phrase, "The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley." Or, for those of us who don't often use Scottish colloquialisms, even the most well-planned or well-intentioned actions or words don't always come across they way we want.

We can be the best-meaning people. We can want the best for the people we interact with on a daily basis. We can truly be authentic and be ourselves in our interactions with others. But we cannot plan for others' perceptions of us.

How many times have you sent an email that you meant to be kind in tone or generally without emotion, that was received as an attack? How many times have you asked a genuinely curious question, that was received as a criticism? How many times have you done something for someone as a kindness or because you normally would do it, and they take it that you don't trust them or that you're overstepping your boundaries?

These are just small examples of what I've learned in many ways during these first 2 years of my professional work - perception is reality. Even if I am the most authentic and intentional and REAL person that I can be, I cannot plan for or compensate for how others will see me, react to me, or think of me. So often, we find ourselves doing damage control for something that wasn't even meant to be negative or something that was perceived in COMPLETELY the wrong way. Even so, the negativity was perceived by the other person (or other people), and so has become the reality of the situation. Perception is reality.

To a point, it's futile to worry about this. As I said, we most often cannot plan for how others will react to us. I think it'd be a mistake to take this TOO far in the other direction, and to be so worried about how others will react to us that we forget to be real, authentic, and internally motivated. But I've learned some ways to counter this often-negative reality, that perception is reality...

1. Awareness: As the adage goes, the first step to fixing your problem is admitting you have one. Knowing that the way others perceive you is important, and knowing that their perception may not (probably will not) match your presentation of yourself is even more important. Because this awareness can lead you to...

2. Proactivity: Another VERY important lesson that I've learned over the past 2 years is from Deb Dunbar, IU's Director of Organizational Development Services: "You cannot hold someone accountable unless you have set expectations for them." In any partnership, relationship, whatever, setting expectations is CRITICAL for governing how interactions will go in the future. Unless you've clarified for the other person what you expect from them - and what they expect from you - you cannot have feedback conversations. Which leads to my next point...

3. Willingness to have "the tough conversation": As a fairly emotional person, I used to shy away from conflict. I would bottle up my emotions and negative feelings, and then unleash them all at once in huge, knock-down drag-out tear-filled arguments. It has taken adulthood - college, graduate school, and my first real jobs - to learn how to be (more) comfortable with conflict. It has taken time to learn that conflict doesn't necessarily mean an argument or fight; conflict simply can mean addressing tension, miscommunication, or misunderstanding. This is SO key to being able to handle the fact that "perception is reality": once an action is misconstrued or a conversation misunderstood, there's no amount of proactivity that can fix it; you're flying on reactivity alone. But within this reaction, it HAS to be your choice to be an adult and to address the misunderstanding as soon as possible. While someone else's perception of you may have taken a negative turn, the only way that you can correct that perception is if you address it. And while some may quote Dr. Seuss - "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - the reality of life is that we don't live in a vacuum. We live lives that constantly intersect with others'; human beings are innately social creatures that rely on our relationships to live, work, and love. We cannot write off others' perceptions of us (especially negative ones) as "no matter."

Again, my caveat with this is that we can't let others' perceptions of us rule our lives. For while their perceptions are reality, ours are too! And the only way to address differing perceptions? Talk about it. Share your story, who you are, why you do what you do. Listen to someone else's story. Be open to understanding others and their reality. Reconcile differences. Be proactive in building positive relationships in and for the future.

As the great actress Ellen Page just said (albeit in a completely different context): "This world would be a whole lot better if we just made an effort to be less horrible to one another." The first step in building a world of understanding is to open yourself up to understanding other people. 

How are you going to make the choice today to open yourself up to others' perceptions and reality? How are you going to make this reality a better place, today and every day?

My #OneWord2014

I've posted previously about the #oneword phenomenon: you choose One Word by which you will live your year. In 2012, my #oneword was "Believe" (see the year in review here) and in 2013, my #oneword was "Center" (see the year in review here).

As you may be able to tell from my post, my 2013 OneWord was not quite as successful as I'd hoped, in that I didn't end the year a more centered, calm, rational, confident human being. In fact, quite the opposite--I ended 2013 more unsure of myself than perhaps I've ever been before. But, ultimately, I decided that that is okay. Don't they (although I don't know who "they" are) always say that your twenties are a time for questioning, for failing and falling and picking yourself back up again, for making mistakes and learning from them? I've never really allowed myself to do that before; in fact, at the end of 2013 I realized that I really am rather hard on myself. I expect confidence, I expect perfection, I expect my life to be together at all times. And that is SIMPLY not how life WORKS, ya know? Life is messy, and hard, and just when you think you're on the up-and-up you trip and stumble and fall. But life can also be beautiful and gorgeous and silly and fun and just when you think you're stuck in a hole, a loved one jumps in the hole with you and shows you the way out (yes, that's a "West Wing" reference. You're welcome).

So for 2014, I've decided to be okay with the crazy roller coaster that we call life. I've decided to do my best to improve myself and my circumstances, to love others around me, and to be okay when things get messy. In order to support myself with this new mantra, I've picked a OneWord for 2014. Are you ready?

My #OneWord2014 is: simplicity.

How beautiful, right? Just the word "simplicity" itself rolls off your tongue, and makes you feel like life is going to be okay.
To help direct my reflections and my action plan, I turned toward the ever-brilliant dictionary.com for my definitions.
1. the state, quality, or an instance of being simple (i.e. easy to understand, not elaborate or artificial, unadorned, natural, unembellished)
2. freedom from complexity, pretentiousness, etc.
3. freedom from deceit or guile; sincerity

THOSE are the things I want in 2014. Understanding, authenticity, sincerity, freedom from complexity. I want to clear my life of the clutter, and of all the extras that I don't need, and to get back to the basics of what is TRULY important.

I acknowledge that life is hard, and that life can be complicated. BUT, and here's the thing, I ALSO know that I can choose my response to life's hardness. I can choose my reaction. I can choose how I live my days; I can practice sincerity and understanding and freedom from complexity in order to try to bring a little understanding back into my own life. I won't and can't know everything, I won't and can't understand everything. But if life were a little more simple, a little more direct, a little more natural, mightn't we be happier, more joyful? Isn't it worth a try?

So here are some of the ways I'm going to practice simplicity in 2014.

• Overall living: be okay with falling & failure. worry less. pray more. be kinder to myself. celebrate small victories and joys. 
• Health: try to find good habits that fit my life. pre-cook meals so that lunches during the week are easier and less stressful (and I'll be less inclined to eat unhealthfully). drink more water.
• Home: pare down unneeded possessions. donate to those more needy than I. begin good cleaning habits to keep my home in better repair. 
• Work: utilize my Outlook calendar to plan out task completion. plan for interruptions so they're less off-putting. ask for help more. be more honest and direct with my co-workers and students. 
• Finances: simplify, simplify, simplify, especially in regard to impulse buys. save more.
• Family & Friends: write more. call more. love more.
• Work/Life Balance: create good habits of me-time, friend-time, and God-time. journal and blog more (to reflect more). set aside time to look ahead so I feel more prepared for each week.

As you can see, some of the key things that this year will include are clearing the noise and clutter, building good habits, being sincere and honest, and being okay when things don't go perfectly. I think that last one will really be the key to living, loving, and learning in 2014: life will NOT be perfect OR perfectly simple. But the more I can do to learn when things go wrong, the better. And the more I can be honest with myself and with others about who I am and what I'm learning, the better.

I think practicing simplicity in 2014 will, more than anything, come down to learning how to live in the moment. Life will get complicated, it always does. But there is and always will be some small joy to celebrate in each moment of each day. I can't spend too much of my time looking back, missing or regretting the past, nor looking forward, worrying or trying to conquer the future. The most I can do is just LIVE. 

Looking Back at 2013

I guess I've got Einstein and his Theory of Relativity (no, by following that link I do NOT expect you to understand what the heck that Wikipedia article is talking about, but it's worth a shot) to thank for the fact that 2013 sped by faster than any other year I've lived yet. And it was QUITE a year. Some amazing things happened, some... not so amazing things happened. So it's time for my now-annual year-in-review post (see here for 2012's review).

I don't know what I was expecting with 2013. Again, there were some BIG milestones to celebrate:

• My big brother got married, and I got to welcome a WONDERFUL new sister-in-law (and her family) into ours!
• I turned 25, quarter-life crisis included, and got to visit the Pacific Northwest (Portland, to be specific) and some of my BEST friends for my birthday.
• I survived my first year in my first full-time job. Miracle, in and of itself.
• I actually played a sport. Not well, but the point is I played.
• I joined a sorority as an alumna initiate, and I LOVE my new sisterhood.

All that aside, 2013 was... I don't know how to say this, other than 2013 was HARD. And I know I'm not alone in this. I've talked to a lot of other people--family, friends, coworkers--and a lot of them seem to agree with me that there was just something CHALLENGING about this year. I can't quantify exactly what was so hard; if I start going into all the individual problems I've had, this will turn into a #firstworldproblems post and that is the LAST thing I want.

Let me just sum up this year by saying that I was hoping... I expected... to finish out this year more confident, more self-actualized, more sure of who I am and of why I'm where I am and of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just knew that finishing out my first year of work would make me a more competent and confident professional; that turning 25 would clue me in to ALL of life's mysteries and secrets. 

Hell, I even chose "center" as my #oneword2013 (I never ended up blogging about it, if that gives you any indication of what a cluster this year ended up being, but you can see references to my #oneword2012 here, here, and here). I was going to use this year to center myself on and deepen my relationship with God (as you can see previously, my faith is VERY important to me); I was going to pray more, read my Bible more, just TALK with God more. But honestly--and after a recent conversation with my excellent and loving parents, I believe in being open and vulnerable about this--I am in a worse place, a bigger crisis of faith, right now than I have been in a LONG time. At least throughout my (seemingly) interminable job search last year, I felt confident and sure that God was going to come through; that I would end up in EXACTLY the right place with EXACTLY the right job, for EXACTLY the right reasons. God and I talked all the time; even when the answer I heard was "no" or "wait," I was still sure that He was answering.

But now? I'm, honestly, not sure. I've heard "wait" so much and so often that I'm not even sure WHAT I'm supposed to be waiting for. I like my job, I like my town, I love my new friends and acquaintances that I've met. But why am I here? What am I getting out of this experience? Most importantly, what in all green goodness am I actually contributing to my environment? Am I making my workplace better? Am I making my students' lives better? Am I bringing more happiness and joy and love to the lives of my friends and family?

I'm in the metaphorical wilderness right now. (Listen to this song by the O.C. Supertones to get a feel for EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.)

I am, in fact, LESS confident than I was this time last year. I'm LESS sure, LESS certain of almost everything (except about those who love and support me--I am trusting in you guys more than ever!). 

But, here's the tl;dr of this post: I'm using this last day of 2013 to decide that it's okay that I'm insecure. I am deciding that, even if I'm sure that everything happens for a reason, I don't know those reasons and I'm kind of mad about it. And I'm deciding that it's okay that I'm mad about not knowing those reasons. I'm deciding that I'm going to own my vulnerability even more than I usually do. You see, I'm a big fan of Brene' Brown's work "Daring Greatly" (something my friend Michael has been blogging about too; you can read his stuff here!), and up until this year, I would have told you that I am one of the most vulnerable people I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve; one of the Strengths that has shown up all 4 times I've taken StrengthsQuest has been Empathy, for heaven's sake. I've prided myself about my ability to feel what others are feeling, and to be open and honest about those emotions.

But what I've learned this year is that I'm NOT really open about those things. I'm not honest about when I feel like I've made a mistake, or messed something up, or when I feel stupid or wrong or bad. I try to hide behind this shell of togetherness; I like to pretend that I know what I'm talking about and that I've got my life together and that I can take care of EVERYONE ELSE without taking care of myself.

But, 2013 has CERTAINLY pulled that rug out from under me. And I'm deciding today, December 31, 2013, that I'm going to be okay.

I don't have my life together... and that's okay.

I don't know everything about everything... and that's okay.

I'm not sure what 2014 will bring to me... and that's okay.

2013 was a mess, I was (am) a mess. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. The sun will rise, the world will turn, I'll learn something new every day. 2014 is a year full of hope, a blank slate, a chance to start fresh with a new attitude. It's a chance to be okay with myself when I'm not perfect, to learn anything and everything I can from every moment, and to try to grow and live and be. 

So happy new year, everyone. May 2014 bring more blessings, more truth, more love, more hope, more faith into your lives (and mine) than we ever could want or need.

Life's a Banquet

Well, hi there.

I know that I promised to keep you updated vis-a-vis my life changes on this blog... but that's the problem with social media today. You can update "all your friends" via the quick-and-easy outlets, and neglect the medium that really makes you think. For me, that's been this blog. If you look through past posts, you'll see that I've taken to blogging when I really need to process--most of the time I just need to set my words down "on paper" (so to speak) in order to make sense of the world. It's both a blessing and a curse, I think, that I do my processing via writing; it's a weird, half-internal and half-external way of regarding life.

But I digress; I'll wax philosophical on blogging at a later date--for now, I figured that the promised update was indeed in order. 

Although, knowing the nature of social media, I figure pretty much all of you who read this blog know about my amazing, wonderful, joyous, glorious life news and life change--I am now living in the beautiful city of Bloomington, Indiana, working at Indiana University-Bloomington. I persevered and persevered with my job search, pushing my hardest, trying my best, and agonized and worried every step of the way... and inevitably and ultimately, God blessed me immeasurably with a wonderful job, co-workers, students, and institution. 

And, despite some of the day-to-day challenges (choosing a retirement plan is NOT as easy as it sounds), I am happy.

I'm living on my own, TRULY on my own, for the very first time, and the introverted side of me LOVES coming home to the peace and quiet of my own space. 

I'm getting a grown-up paycheck, which I won't go too much into detail about, but which I'm sure MOST of you understand is one of the single greatest joys of having a job.

I'm making new friends and building relationships with new colleagues, which is intimidating at first, but which I know will prove to be a smart move over the next few years.

I'm exploring my new city, from the local eateries (listen, you don't really know breakfast joy 'til you've eaten at The Village Deli) to the local breweries (one word: Upland) to the local events and festivals. And I'm hoping to expand outward as the weather gets cooler, hiking in some of the nearby state parks. By the way, in case you didn't know, I have REAL FALL to look forward to in a few weeks.

More than anything, I'm enjoying each day's joys, mistakes, and lessons, storing it all up in my head and in my heart--this is the stuff that Job One is built on. I'll take each day one day at a time, and I'll do my best to make each day count (yes, that was a Titanic reference). 

And finally, for anyone who is still on the job search, or who will embark on it soon--you've got a friend and a sympathetic ear in me. Call/email/Facebook/Tweet at me anytime. You WILL get through this, and you WILL find a job. You ARE a competent and intelligent individual, and you CAN do this.

For everyone else, I must thank you for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers--my perseverance through the job search was due in large part to knowing I had a wonderful cheering section behind me. Whatever I can do to return the favor, you just let me know.

Now, it's time to get out there and live. 

As one of my favorite literary/cinematic characters, Auntie Mame says, "Life's a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death! Live!"

My banquet--and yours--awaits. Let's make today count.

Missing.

Can you miss someone you've never met?

Loss and grief have been on my mind recently, as I'm sure they've been on many people's, considering that the 10th anniversary of the September 11 tragedy is coming up tomorrow. I'll briefly share my "where I was" moment--it was the fall semester of my eighth grade year, and the first I heard of the attacks was in my American History class, taught by Mr. Benson. I was thirteen years old, and not quite mature enough to understand the scale of the tragedy that day. It honestly didn't hit me until I came home after school that afternoon to my mom, sitting in a chair, watching our television and crying as though her heart were breaking. That my mother could weep for so many strangers hit me much harder than anything I had seen on TV that day, and I realized that our world had changed.

Thankfully, I didn't know anyone who perished in the tragic events of that day, although one of my uncles was in New York City at the time, in Tower 7 of the World Trade Center, and we didn't hear about his safety for a day or two after the 11th. But each year after, I have done my best to take a few moments and reflect on the sadness that that day represents, in the loss of so many lives, but also the unity it brings in inspiring our nation to come together, and the hope it stirs in so many people cooperating and rebuilding a city and each other's lives.

As I've become older, stories about September 11th touch me more and more deeply, bringing the grief that I didn't feel as a teenager but can now better understand as a young woman. Again, thankfully, I haven't had much personal loss in my life as of yet; not many of my immediate family members or close friends have passed away. But reflecting on the events of September 11th bring to mind the losses that I have felt. A beloved uncle, Steve, passed away in 2003. An unquestionable goofball, a musical genius, a sweet and kind man, Uncle Steve was hard to lose, and I still think of him often, at unexpected moments. Further back, my mom's mother passed away when I was three, when I was too little to remember the grief, and her father passed away before I was born, even before my parents got married. I never got to know this set of grandparents, and yet I miss them. I love when my mom and aunts and uncles tell stories about them; they bring them to life as the brilliant characters they were. Both loved music; both were devoted to their church, their faith, and their family. A picture from the time they were engaged, taken in the early 1940s, captures youthful joy--Nanny's hair is perfectly coiffed and she wears a stunning dress; Granddaddy looks handsome in his Navy uniform (he served in the Pacific theater on a submarine during World War II), and they both smile and glow with love. I never got to meet these amazing people, and yet I miss them. It saddens me that I never got to truly know this special part of my family; yet I know that Nanny and Granddaddy both look down on me with love and pride. I do as best as I can to make them proud, and when I do something that I am proud of, I think of them, and I can almost see them smile and know that they're proud of me too.

Can you miss someone you've never met? I believe, undoubtedly. I feel the absence of those who are gone; I do my best to make them proud.

On this 10th anniversary of September 11th, I finally begin to miss those who perished that day. Accounts of the bravery of the passengers of Flight 93 and the firefighters and policemen and citizens of New York who pulled people from the Twin Towers and Pentagon bring me to tears, as do stories of those of us who are left behind to, simply, miss them. Their absence leaves a hole in our lives, a hole that doesn't stop aching through the years.

Even so, this ache becomes more bearable, because I believe the ache can be assuaged with making those who are gone proud. I try to make my Nanny, my Granddaddy, and my Uncle Steve proud every day; I believe that remembrance and the bravery to rebuild will make proud the memory of those who died 10 years ago tomorrow.

We must not be afraid to miss those who are gone, but we also must not be afraid to unite in our grief, to comfort each other through it, and to look for the dawning of another day and a bright future. The future is bright--New York City unites to remember the lost; the World Trade Center is being rebuilt as a beacon of hope; Americans have a common event that can unite our purposes and make us one out of many, E Pluribus Unum.

To those who are gone, we miss you. We love you. We will make you proud.

A New Year's Resolutions

The sun is shining bright; campus is already abuzz with residence hall move-in and our welcome week, Seminole Sensation Week; and here we are on the eve of another school year at Florida State. Tomorrow will mark another first day of school and my twentieth consecutive year of schooling, and, at least for a while, my last first day of school. That's right--twenty years of school has led to this, my last two semesters in the classroom (we're going to assume that they're the last for now because I have no immediate plans to get a Ph.D.), and in a little less than eight months, I'll be receiving my master's degree. WHOA.

You'd think after 19 years of school I'd have the process of being a student perfected, but you couldn't be more wrong. There are some things I've gotten down pat: I'm great at putting assignments in my planner and color-coding them so I know what's due when (thanks to my borderline OCD for that one), for example. But there are some habits--bad ones--that have only become more ingrained over the past 19 years. So I find myself, on the eve of each school year, making promises and resolutions to be a better me and, above all, a better student.

This year is a little bit different, though. I mean, I'm still swearing that I'm not going to procrastinate; I'm promising myself NO ALL-NIGHTERS TO WRITE A PAPER. Those resolutions might never change. But my resolutions and promises this year don't just relate to my in-the-classroom performance, but to my out-of-the-classroom performance as well. Like I said, in eight months I won't be a formal student anymore, and so this year, I've decided it's time to be intentional about resolving to be a better student both in and outside the classroom. More than that, I want to form habits this year that are going to benefit me as I get a "big kid job" (although I think that many of my colleagues in student affairs would argue that part of the fun of our profession is not having to be a "big kid" all the time :)). I want to practice the habits that are going to help me take care of myself and, ultimately, help me help my students take better care of themselves, so that when they make new-school year's-resolutions, I can support them and make their habits of excellence happen.

So, without any further ado whatsoever, here are my New School Year's Resolutions.

1. Cut back on procrastinating.

Seriously, this is a habit I've had since at least fourth or fifth grade. I vividly remember my parents trying to teach me to give myself incentives, so that when I finish an assignment, I can give myself a treat. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but that habit didn't take. I am a tried-and-true procrastinator, to my everlasting shame. Each year, I promise myself it won't happen, and for about a week I do just fine, but then I hear the call of Facebook... I just want to watch this one movie... The weather is so nice that I can't miss out on that beach trip... and before I know it, it's the night before my paper is due, and I'm chugging coffee and frantically searching Google Scholar to find my perfect 15 articles to cite for my 10-page paper. And at that moment, I always think, "Now Cassidy, if you didn't procrastinate, you wouldn't be stressed to the point of a nervous breakdown right now. Wouldn't that be NICE?"

Obviously, my previous approaches haven't worked, so this year, I'm going to try a different approach. I won't try to cut procrastination cold-turkey out of my life; that isn't happening. Instead, I'll applaud myself when I DO complete assignments and papers way ahead of time and perhaps treat myself to incentives (a new work blouse or skirt? going to see a movie? download a new song?). Then, when I "fall off the wagon" and make a mistake, as is inevitable, instead of getting angry with myself, I'll make a resolution to do better next time. Stay tuned for a progress report on this everlasting disability of mine.

2. Make my own way.

Professional development is hugely important in my chosen profession, student affairs, as I'm sure it's highly encouraged in other professions as well. We have organizations, Twitter accounts and hashtags, monthly and bi-monthly meetings, newsletters, even specially set-aside budgets, ALL for the purpose of continuing to develop ourselves professionally and to learn outside the classroom. Since I am soon to be a real professional, I want to start being very intentional with my own professional development, and to form the habits now, during my second year of grad school, that will help me when I get my "big kid" job.

However, there are pitfalls to avoid in this quest to become a well-developed, well-rounded professional. I don't know about other career paths, but in student affairs, there are SO MANY PRESCRIPTIONS as to the "right" path of professional development. "If you want to succeed," they say (I don't know who "they" are), "Get a mentor. Join a professional organization. Publish articles. Present at national conferences. Study abroad. Get internships. Switch assistantships. Don't switch assistantships. Make your resume fun. Make your resume professional." The list goes ON. Now, I'm not saying that this advice isn't valid or valuable; on the contrary, many (if not all) of these suggestions are highly valuable for new professionals to consider as ways to get one's name "out there," to start being recognized in our field, and to navigate the first few years of our professional lives.

However, the biggest challenge--what I'm challenging myself to do--is to remember that THERE IS NO ONE PATH TO SUCCESS. Each professional I EVER encounter will have found their own unique way to get to where they are, and I don't have to copy their footsteps to become as successful as they are. Of course, I should utilize these professionals as great sources of advice and encouragement as I navigate my own professional path, but I should never fear to strike out on my own, to forge my own path through that forest of professional development.

3. Read more.

This is something that I've never struggled with--reading is one of my favorite things to do. But every year, I should seek to expand my horizons, and ESPECIALLY considering this is my last year of in-the-classroom learning, I need to get used to the process of finding my own learning through reading.

Of course, this means reading more books related to my profession (as part of the above, making my own way). Then again, I don't want to get so bogged down in my career that it becomes my life; so part of this is to continue reading as MANY books in as MANY subjects as I can get my hands on. The classics, new bestsellers, biographies and autobiographies, histories, sci-fi, romance, mystery, ANYTHING--every book I read expands my world a little bit more and gives me an escape whenever I need it. I should ALWAYS strive to read more.

4. Love more.

There are so many opportunities, every day of life, to show love to the people around us. Each person we meet in this life is special and deserving of love, and when I'm in a serving profession like student affairs, I have the special opportunity of showing love and appreciation to students, colleagues, and others every. single. day. With that, I have to be intentional about showing love. This includes, but is not limited to:

-Empowering my students more, to help them realize they can do anything they set their sights on

-Appreciating my students more, to let them know that what they've accomplished is a job well done

-Continuing to build relationships with my cohort, to form strong bonds before we scatter to the four winds in the coming job search

-Supporting and serving as a resource for the incoming cohort, to let the first-years know they have a friend and listening ear whenever needed

-Forming a strong bond with my office staff, so we can serve as a united front and as a support network for each other if times get rough (which, in student activities, is more common than we'd like :))

-Reaching out more to my best friends from before graduate school, to maintain the relationships I already have, and to let them know that, even though I'm over 1,000 miles away, I still want to be there for them

-Being intentional with telling my family how much I love and appreciate them and their support through thick and through thin

-Being a positive and helpful person all-around, and trying to make at least one person smile each day

What are your new school year's resolutions?

Through the storms of life, we never walk alone

Readers,

I am a deeply spiritual person, and identify as a Christian. My faith is an important part of my life, and I rely on it to help me better love every single person around me.

Today, in my church, the Gospel reading was from Matthew, and it related the story of Jesus walking on water. For those of you who have grown up in a Christian church, this story will be familiar. For those of you who haven't grown up in a Christian church, let me give you a brief background. The context of this story takes place during Jesus's ministry, the time when He traveled all over Israel preaching the Gospel, the Good News, with His disciples.

In this story, Jesus leaves the disciples to go pray, and they're on a ship in the middle of the Sea of Galilee. A storm hits at night, and the disciples are scared. Jesus begins to walk across the water to them (one of His most famous Biblical miracles), and when they see Him, they become afraid, thinking He's a ghost. He assures them it is He, and Peter, one of Jesus' disciples, says, "Jesus, if it's you, call me to come to you across the water." Jesus calls Peter, and Peter gets out of the boat, and, miraculously, begins to walk across the water to Jesus. However, the storm is fierce, and Peter becomes afraid, and begins to sink. Jesus holds out His hand to Peter and saves him, and says, "Oh, you of little faith."

Throughout the different churches I've attended, and Bible studies I've participated in, I've heard a lot of discussions of this passage before; many of them talk about having the courage of Peter to GET OUT OF THE BOAT, a metaphor for having the courage to trust God and walk out into the storms of life, knowing that God is going to help us walk "across the water" and weather the storm. That's a huge challenge for me and for a lot of Christians--when times are bad, we want to rely solely on ourselves, to just stay in one spot on our little "boat," to be scared, and not let ourselves be thrown into (and changed by) the storm around us.

However, what happens when we DO choose to make the step out of the boat? I find a lot of Christians struggle with this, too, especially ME. Going to grad school was a huge step out of my "boat"--I felt called to enter the profession of student affairs, and it was a huge, trusting leap to make this move to Florida and to come to a new school, but I did it. But, now I'm here, in the middle of a sea, and the storms of life rage around me, and I question WHY I got out of my boat in the first place!

With grad school, and with many other situations in my life, it's not the step out of the boat that scares me the most, it's the walk through the storm to get to Jesus. The whole time, Jesus is saying, "Come to me. Trust me. Through me, you can do this. You can walk on this water. Trust me." And oftentimes, we take those first steps out of the boat, and we're exhilarated. "Yes, God!" we exult. "You are helping me! I'm trusting you! I'm walking on water, thank You so much!"

But then, what happens next? We lose sight of God... and the storm gets louder. We forget who gave us the ability to walk on the water in the first place, and we lose our focus on the reason WHY we're walking on water, and just start to focus on the water itself. Suddenly, everything is overwhelming. We're all alone, in the middle of a raging, storming sea. It's dark outside, it's cold, it's wet, and we got in over our heads. Who were we to think we could walk on water all by ourselves? We were CRAZY!

And thus, we start to sink. We lose sight of the One who called us out of the boat in the first place, we let the storm and sound and sea distract us, and we sink. We get down on ourselves, we're lonely, and we're SCARED.

And yet, we forgot that we WEREN'T alone on that sea.

Someone called us out there to walk with Him.

And all of a sudden, there He is. There's His hand. Grab it, it's held out to you, to me, to all of us.

Suddenly, the sea isn't so scary. The night isn't so dark. The whole time, we could have walked on the surface of the sea and been safe in the storm, if only we hadn't lost sight of the One who invited us into the storm in the first place.

And He saves us. He pulls us up from the depths. He comforts us, and, with the Love of a Father, He gently chides us. "Oh, you of little faith," He says. "How could you forget that I was here the whole time?"

In the storms of our lives, in the daily stresses and troubles and worries and pains, it's easy to lose sight of God. Although He calls us into living our lives fully in the first place, once we're in the midst of things, we look away. We think, "Hey, this isn't so bad. Look at me! I'm surviving! I'm walking on water! I've got this!"

And then, all of a sudden, things get worse. The stress gets overwhelming, the troubles mount, and the world gets dark and cold and lonely. We have lost sight of our Helper, and so we start to lose faith. We start to sink into self-pity, into doubt, and into fear. We feel like nothing can save us from the predicament we're in.

And yet, if we look up, there it is. There's His hand. God has been waiting, patiently, the whole time. Through the storm, He's been standing right there, calling us to Him. We lost sight of Him for a while, but that doesn't mean He left us. He's standing right there, waiting for us to call on Him again. He saves us from the storm; He lessens our stress and relieves our doubts and fears, and shows us that, through Him, anything is possible. He gently chides us, those of little faith, and reminds us that He'll ALWAYS be there. He's the one who wanted us to experience the storm in the first place, but He wants us to experience the storm with our sights on Him, holding His hand. Only then can we walk on water.

My friends, whether or not we share a spirituality or a faith, I pray that you NEVER feel alone in the storm. Help is always there, waiting for you to call out for it. Yes, we have to get out of the boat in the first place to experience life's storms, but we also have to be willing to call for help along the way, to remember that opportunities for help never abandon us. A source of help is always right there, waiting to stretch out a hand. Take it!

It Keeps You Runnin'

Good morning, readers! Another summer day is upon us, but with prospects of a LONG and HAPPY Fourth of July weekend ahead, this week is just flying by.

To tell the truth, this SUMMER is flying by. With Florida State's Orientation officially over (hooray!), my year with the Student Alumni Association is officially over, and my feelings are definitely bittersweet. I learned so much in that assistantship, and am thankful for the relationships I built and the skills I gained. Even though I'll miss it at times, I have so much to look forward to--I have started an internship with the Career Center here at FSU, working with the Garnet and Gold Scholar Society, and then the second week of August I begin a NEW assistantship for my second year in grad school with the Student Activities Center!

In the meantime, I'm also taking time for me and looking forward to some personal things; namely, at the end of July, I'll be attending (as a bridesmaid :)) the wonderful wedding of my college roommate/best friend, Sarah, and her fiance/my friend Chris. This wedding will not only be a time to celebrate their relationship and bright future together, but it's also the ONLY time I'll be returning to Texas this summer and an opportunity to be reunited with some of my best friends from undergrad!

Like I said, I'm a bridesmaid for this wedding (my first time as an attendant! I'm pumped!), and I know there will be LOTS of pictures taken, so needless to say, I'm being completely shallow and decided that I want to make sure I grace the pictures with the greatest of photogenic ease. On top of that, I've been feeling like a lazy bum lately, and so this weekend I decided that the time had come for me to bring working out (running, mostly) back into my life. Ever since I improved my lifestyle and learned to be healthier last summer, I've noticed a change in the way I feel physically AND emotionally. I liked the way I looked, I liked the way I felt, and I liked the way I felt about how I looked (does that make sense? It does to me).

This spring semester was challenging, and unfortunately, part of that challenge was me LOSING aspects of my self-care such as exercising, and just plain feeling lousy. But luckily, with the motivation of this wedding looming ahead, and the unexpected partnership and participation of my cohort buddy Jason, it's time to get back into shape!

This past Sunday, Jason and I were discussing how we missed working out and how we wished we could find the motivation to do it. All of a sudden, we realized--what if we ran TOGETHER? We'd not only have a buddy to keep us motivated, we'd also have someone to keep us accountable and to kick each other's butt when we needed it. So Monday evening we embarked upon our first run, and I think our routine is going to be a resounding success. We run on a track, and so we warm up with 2 laps (half a mile), run one mile straight through (4 laps), and then cool down with 2 more laps, bringing it to 2 miles total.

I know that all the fitness experts say you're supposed to work out with a buddy, but really, listen to them. When my legs want to quit towards the end of our third lap, seeing Jason keeping pace out of the corner of my eye helps me round the next corner and keep moving. Our goal is to eventually be able to run 3 miles straight through by the time school starts, and I think we can do it. We have each other to keep motivated, and to compliment each other when we notice how in-shape we feel :)

So look out, world! I'm back in the running business, and I'm coming to get you. Granted, my legs feel like jello first thing when I wake up in the morning, but I can already tell a difference in my mood (endorphins are the BEST) and how well I'm sleeping (although my mom has always said I could sleep through a tornado, so I don't know how different that is). Soon to follow: world domination. And by the world, I mean Jason's and my little corner of the track. But I think that's enough to start with!

do it yourself.

Another day, another post.

This time, however, I’m going to talk about something a little more tangible: D-I-Y.

That’s right, folks: do-it-yourself. Perhaps one of the more intimidating aspects of being an adult, do-it-yourself projects have had me cowering for years. Granted, I have the genetic odds that I’ll be good at D-I-Y: both of my parents are able to keep our house ship-shape and tidy, only occasionally having to call in a professional for something big (e.g. our air conditioner breaking, or installing a set of ventless logs in the fireplace). For the most part, though, the ‘rents have set the example of self-sufficiency, especially when it comes to household projects.

Want to know the surprising thing? I can conquer MANY of these D-I-Y projects. There is some trial and error, and I’ll often find myself calling my parents FIRST to try to figure out what the heck to do to fix something, or eventually calling in professionals (i.e. I still don’t know how to change a tire; thank God for AAA).

But since I moved to Florida, I’ve handled some D-I-Y nicely, which adds some proper grown-up feeling to my life.

—Toilet: stopped running. My toilet has been running a lot recently (no, this will NOT turn into a joke about catching it), and as much as I jiggled the handle, it wouldn’t stop. Not only is that sound annoying, but it also wastes a LOT of water. So what did I do? I opened the toilet tank, grabbed a screwdriver, and tightened some of the screws that balance out the float ball in the tank. (Please note: I don’t know the proper terms for any of this.) And you know what? My toilet isn’t running anymore.

—Shower drain: unclogged. (Thanks, Drain-O.)

—Wall shelves: installed. WITHOUT A LEVEL. (One of them actually won’t hang right on the wall, but it’s not because it’s crooked, it’s because I don’t have the correct size Phillips-head screwdriver to get the screw in the wall far enough. But it doesn’t bother me enough to get another screwdriver, or to just buy a new shelf…)

—Knobs on the kitchen cabinets and doors: tightened. (This is something fun to do while you’re waiting for your food to microwave: go around and see what knobs are loose, grab a screwdriver, and fix ‘em.)

So basically, I foresee myself following in the footsteps of my mother and father, puttering around the house with a drill and a hammer, installing shelf systems, re-finishing wardrobes, and cleaning out the gutters. (just kidding about that last one: I’m afraid of heights.) It’s a nice sense of satisfaction, to know that I can take care of business when an emergency arises, but it’s also valuable to know the projects I can’t conquer so I know when to call in the professionals (I really do need to learn how to change a tire, though).

Got a running toilet or a picture that needs hanging? You know who to call.

Growth Spurt, 2K11

So here comes another crazy growing up metaphor from yours truly:

When you’re young, you go through growth spurts. Some days you think you’re going to stay 4’1” for forever, then during the night your shins hurt, and a week later you’re 6 feet tall. Okay, maybe not that quickly, but you get the point, right?

Well, as I’ve discovered over the past (oh, how long has it been since I last posted…) four months, becoming an adult (mentally. emotionally. whatever.) is the same way. You may go a few months, thinking you’ve hit your learning limit for a while, and BOOM… it’s growth time. Unfortunately, these “growth spurts” don’t always happen when you want them to. So not only do you have to deal with the discomfort of growing, you have to deal with the growth at a time that is (usually) unexpected and (often) inconvenient.

So far, Spring 2011 has been a constant growth spurt. The hardest part about growing now is the nature of this semester: classes, coursework, my job, EVERYTHING is enjoyable, but it is also extraordinarily challenging. I am learning yet another lesson of growing up: just because something is fun doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. (I’m sure there’s a corollary to that…just because something is easy doesn’t mean it’s going to be fun?) Additionally, balancing those two aspects—learning and enjoying myself—is more difficult than I anticipated.

This is another one of those times when my mentors and advisors in student affairs were proven correct. I recall them saying…

“You know, one of the hardest semesters in graduate school is your second one. You’re getting the swing of things at work, so they’ll challenge you more and expect more from you as a professional, and as for classes, it’s the same thing—they truly challenge you so that they can broaden your horizons and ensure that you’re really doing your work at the graduate level.”

Of course, we all know what my response is to “stories from the trenches.” (I think I’m going to start referring to all student affairs anecdotes as “stories from the trenches.” Be prepared to hear some before this growing up thing is all said and done.) I think, “Oh, okay, so my advisors were challenged. But, you know, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to be as hard as they say, right?”

WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong. (Dearest advisors, how could I ever doubt you?)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining (surprisingly). I actually relish the challenge; I look forward to the prospect of coming out on the other side of this semester as a better person and professional. I’m excited about my classes—Diversity, Student Development Theories (I’m geeking out about that one), and Outcomes of Undergraduate Education (an assessment class). I’m enjoying taking a more hands-on advisory role with the students I advise, and I have already learned a lot from the projects I’m undertaking at work. Even more so, I’m expanding my horizons and interning with the Office of Greek Life here at Florida State, which is a student affairs dream come true for me (once again, geeking out).

Also, I have the confidence and reassurance of my faith to help me through the tough times. It’s hard times like this where the cliches actually do come to have meaning, and I have enough hindsight and perspective on my life so far to see that they really are true. Three of these “cliches”—ehh, I don’t like that; let’s call them maxims—really do resonate with me and are bolstering my spirits for the challenges ahead:

1. Where God closes a door, some way He opens a window.

2. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

3. Everything happens for a reason.

Knowing these things, and knowing I have the support (and extreme empathy) of my family, fellow graduate students, advisors, mentors, and professionals, makes this growth spurt a little easier, and gives me the extra confidence I need to power through this semester.

This is cassidy, signing off to go grow some more.

Growing Pains

Here I am in the sixth week of graduate school, in the sixth week of a new phase of my life, and I figured it was time to sit down and take stock of everything. Before I get to the meat of the post, let me preface with a mini-life update, and then I’ll share what has spurred my newest “Eureka!” moment.

Life in my new state is… different. Last time I posted, I spoke to my feelings of fear about my job; fear that I would be inadequate and fear of being far away from home. Well, I started my job and my new graduate classes, and, surprisingly, the first few weeks breezed by. It has definitely been part of the growing-up challenge to get used to my routine (work during the day, class in the evenings, balancing homework time and social life time), but slowly I’m getting the hang of the balance. Luckily, I’m surrounded by a wonderful group of new friends and wise professionals who are more than willing to support me and share their own experiences.

All the professionals I’ve met along the way have been more than happy to share their grad school highs and lows, which has been SUCH a valuable resource for me during both the application process and now that I’m actually a grad student. However, I wish I had listened to them a little more closely…

You see, as I was going through the grad school decision-making process, I was told by all of my mentors and advisors that there would be an intense period of unease in my first semester as a grad student. They all told me that they were homesick, tired, and struggled with questioning their decision to attend grad school. When I heard all of this, of course I sympathized, but in the deep recesses of my mind, I thought, “I can get through all that. Sure, I might be a little homesick, but there’s no reason to question why I’m in student affairs—I know I’m happy in this field, that I can make a difference!”

How silly of me, to think I was above that struggle.

Sure enough, the past week has been a very thought-provoking and intense time, with me being uncomfortable and unsure of myself in EVERY aspect of my life, and desperately wondering whether I was meant to do this after all. It wasn’t caused by any one factor, which should have clued me in to what this struggle was REALLY about, but it did seem overwhelming and all-encompassing.

Two experiences have helped me begin to process these crazy and intense emotions and questions.

First, in my wonderful Student Personnel Work class, our professor asked us how our transition was going. I raised my hand and was honest with the class that I was having a tough time. And then… ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE RAISED THEIR HANDS AND SAID THE EXACT SAME THINGS. Turns out, my mentors and advisors were right (as usual :))—EVERYONE goes through a period of homesickness, discomfort, and questioning. As my professor put it, we ARE in a transition right now. We are neither here nor there—a strange combination of professional and student, distanced from our undergraduate institutions yet not entirely certain of our new institution, far from old friends and settling in with new. And IT’S OKAY TO BE IN THIS AWKWARD TIME. Hey, everyone’s awkward right now. We just have to embrace it, own it, and learn from it.

The second “Eureka!” moment I had regarding my struggle came last night, in my Ethical Leadership in Higher Education class. There we were, discussing different leadership theories, talking about how the study of leadership has changed over the decades. In the midst of our deep discussion, we hit upon Heifetz and Laurie’s 1999 article “The Work of Leadership” and their discussion of how to deal with active challenges versus technical challenges, and then dealing with the resulting distress.

That word “distress” resonated with me, and with the class—we spent a significant portion of the discussion on what it means to deal with adaptive challenges and the distress that comes with them. In an adaptive challenge, change is necessary. With change comes stress, discomfort, and pain. As a leader, you must be able to negotiate the line between encouraging your followers to grow (and dealing with their resulting discomfort) and pushing them too hard.

Here comes the “Eureka!”; maybe you’ve already spotted it—with change comes stress, discomfort, and pain.

Think about physical growth when you’re a child and adolescent—you experience growing pains, your body’s physical manifestation of the growth that’s occuring. In mental and professional growth, we must also deal with pain; it just doesn’t manifest itself physically (although ask your average grad student, and I bet you we can tell you ALL about our physical problems because of our stress!), but rather as acute discomfort and pain. Growth IS stress. That’s a fact of life.

However, when the “growth spurt” is done, when you’re out of the “pressure cooker” and on the other side, you have to consider—wasn’t the pain worth it?

For me, the pain WILL be worth it. For the rest of my career, yeah, I’ll have to deal with stress, discomfort, and sometimes pain, but if it makes me a better person and a better professional, isn’t it worth it? Yes, it is.

And just as I accept and embrace my fear, I accept and embrace ALL of the discomfort that comes with growth, because it means that, slowly but surely, I’m growing up. The question is how I’m going to deal with the discomfort as it comes. And thankfully, I have family, friends, and colleagues who are the best support I could ask for in my times of growth. I can only hope I serve them the same way.

The sixth week of my graduate career is almost at a close; the rest of my career is on the horizon. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Don't let your life pass you by

So this is change.

Tonight, as I hung up on two consecutive phone calls from two good friends and former counselors of mine, I experienced the first (well, second—first was watching my parents drive away) acute and stinging pangs of homesickness.

Let me qualify: So far, my new home state is beautiful. I enjoyed the drive here (although it was LONG), I’ve enjoyed settling in with my roommates, I have LOVED getting to know my new cohort classmates and cannot wait to embark upon the journey of the next three years with them. We have orientation tomorrow (I LOVE that word and all it stands for) and I start work Tuesday; we have a busy welcome week with classes starting a week from tomorrow! And I cannot WAIT to get to know my students.

That being said, it’s hard to let go of the past. This time of year is always special because of my beloved organizations, and here I am in a different state; even more, a different TIME ZONE, at a different university, getting ready to ADVISE students as they come back to school and their own organizations, wishing at this very moment to be dyeing my hair, organizing discussion group times, making tutus, buying school supplies, and generally being at home at my undergrad.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of beginning a time in a new city, a new state, at a new university with a culture very different from the one I’m used to. I’m afraid of my new classes, hoping that I will be able to succeed as a graduate student. I’m afraid of being in a professional advisory capacity to students; afraid that I will be an insufficient helper to them in their times of greatest need. And I am deeply afraid that, in spite of my heart being so at home right now, my loved ones far away will forget about me.

But, as I have begun to discover, growing up is all about fear. It’s about recognizing what fears exist. It’s about acknowledging those fears, what they entail, and where they stem from. And, ultimately, it’s deciding that the direction in which I want to head in life—the path that I choose—is worth all the fear.

The relationships I will be building over the next two years, the students I will be interacting with and learning from, the professionals whose guidance will ground me and lead me, the beautiful new things I will be learning about my chosen profession—all these things make this pain, this fear, this sadness, WORTH IT.

Ultimately, I do need to accept the homesickness for what I am comfortable with and the fear that I will be forgotten.

But I also need to hold on to the truth that I know for a fact I am loved and supported even over those 1,000 miles, and those people are completely confident in me.

Even more than that, I need to embrace what the past has given me. But instead of letting the fear hold me back, I need to let the strength and knowledge I have gained over the past four years bolster my hope and give me the reassurance that I HAVE chosen the right path and profession for me. I WILL be learning a lot, and I MIGHT struggle sometimes, but the fact remains that my passion for this field remains, and I’m not going anywhere.

So, as orientation begins tomorrow, and as I begin to orient myself on the path towards a master’s degree and a professional career, I do miss my past, but I am letting it settle into me as the foundations for a bright and happy future on a new path, in a new place, with new and promising friends, mentors, and lessons to learn. My undergraduate career did much to make me who I am up ‘til now, but it’s time to take the leap towards the person I want to become.

Deep thoughts for a Sunday night, but, as one of my favorite authors says, “For each of us comes a time when we must be more than what we are.” (Lloyd Alexander)

My time is now. When is yours?

You live, you learn.

Well well well. Second post of the summer…with only one month of the summer left to go! That’s right, folks, in less than one month I will officially be starting the process of no longer being a Texas resident (heartbreaking, isn’t it?). The move to grad school takes place in 28 days, and a new segment of my growing up begins.

This summer has continued to be an extraordinary learning experience for me. When I say extraordinary, I don’t mean that it’s been full of “eureka!” moments, lightning-bolt revelations, far-out adventures, or anything else that I would normally call extraordinary. No, this summer has been out of the ordinary for its very noticeable LACK of any kind of excitement. At all. As mentioned before, my days have fallen into a very specific rut. Work and working out, with the occasional outing with friends. My birthday passed VERY inconspicuously and almost unimportantly. I still have three weeks before I head out for the only adventures of my summer—two weddings and a cross-country drive to school.

However, even without adventures of any kind, I HAVE been learning this summer. I’ve learned lots about myself and how I operate. For example, I work best with at least 8 hours of sleep and 2 cups of coffee in the morning. Minor things, maybe, but if I want to be at ALL a contributing worker in my assistantship next year, I’m going to need to remember those things. I’ve also learned that, although I like solitude, every once in a while I DO need my friends. I am very blessed with a group of high school friends that has kept in touch even after the past four years, and they have definitely lightened the monotony of this summer. I have also come to appreciate the fact that I need my college friends, too. Without weekly phone calls from some of my best friends, my solitude would definitely have already turned to loneliness.

Surprisingly, I’ve learned that I miss learning in an academic setting. Life without school itself, without peers and professors and discussions and readings, is NOT a life that I want to have right now. I respect all of you who have already started working for your living, because I cannot imagine (right now, anyway) a life without school in my immediate future. I LOVE learning new things, and although my life lessons have helped, I am READY to be back in the classroom.

I’ve learned more about what motivates me…and what doesn’t. I’ve learned about life through watching and interacting with my parents, and what they do to make our family work. (I’m definitely taking notes on that and storing them up for eventual use). I’ve learned that, even if my job isn’t my favorite, coming home to my room and my bed at the end of the day can solve MOST of my problems.

I’ve learned practical things, too. I learned how to check my tire pressure. I learned how to eat and live healthfully (a continuing process, I assure you). I learned how gift wrap better, how to keep a boutique looking neat and exciting, and how to appreciate soccer more. (Thank you, World Cup 2010).

I don’t know how much I’ve changed so far over this summer. I don’t know if there’s a gauge for “maturity” (which I’m DEFINITELY learning is a subjective term), and if my little indicator needle has been scooting its way infinitesimally towards “adult.” I don’t know how much I WANT to be considered an “adult,” because if I’ve learned one thing so far, growing up is HARD.

I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far this summer is that not only do I need help during this growing up process, the best thing I can do to make my process easier is to be there for others while THEY grow up. Not just my friends, but my parents, too (FYI: your parents don’t have any more fun being an adult than you do!

So now the waiting game continues. I wait with bated breath ‘til I get to go on my short vacations for weddings and visits. I wait with anxiety and with EXTREME excitement for my move to graduate school. And I wait to see what other lessons this summer will throw at me, in the short time it has left.

Until next time!