Shiner Prickly Pear

For those of you from Texas or with loved ones from Texas, you have probably (at some point) tasted (and enjoyed) a Shiner beer. Brewed in the tiny town of Shiner, TX, Shiner beers are not only delicious; they represent Texan culture in a fantastic way - not only through the brewery's history, but also through the beers that they brew.

Two of my favorite Shiner draughts are Shiner Cheer, which is a holiday beer that has flavors of pecan and peach (two uniquely Texan flavors to add to a holiday brew), and Shiner Ruby Redbird, which features delicious Texas ruby red grapefruit.

My love for Shiner beer is clear by this point, I imagine. So imagine my intrigue when I walk into my local Harris Teeter grocery store (being a North Carolinian, I feel it is my obligation to support local grocery stores, just as I patronized Publix in Florida - shout out to PubSubs!!!), and I see Shiner Prickly Pear beer.

"Huh," I thought. "That's a new flavor. It sounds good, and I've enjoyed cactus-influenced beers before" - here, a shoutout to my favorite beer in the world, Breckenridge Brewery's Agave Wheat - "...but I don't know, that sounds kind of weird. Should I buy it? I'd be stuck with a whole six-pack..."

My deliberations proved too much for me, and (ultimately shopping on a budget) I decided to pass the Prickly Pear by, waiting for a later date to sample this brew.

Now, I regret that decision.

I just moved to a new city and state, as referenced in my last blog post. I am on my second job out of graduate school, and I'm a young woman in my twenties. Now is the time when I need to be putting myself out there - trying new things, meeting new people, exploring new places, and more. I can't let fear of the unknown hold me back.

If I let fear hold me back, I never would have gone out for a co-chair position in my undergrad's extended orientation program, and thus discovered my future career path (and had what is, to this day, the best summer of my life).

If I let fear hold me back, I would never have gone to graduate school at The Florida State University, and met some of the best people (and learned some of the most important things) in my life.

If I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have accepted a fantastic position in Indiana, and moved halfway across the country, away from all my friends and family, only to find a new home in the Midwest and deep, meaningful experiences in my first professional job.

And if I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have branched out and gone for this new job, one that matters deeply to me and one that I suspect is going to teach me even more than I could possibly imagine, in addition to bringing me back close to my family and in a state that I love (only second to Texas).

I wouldn't have already made some new friends - shoutout to my colleagues in the Union, Orientation, Greek Life, and more. I wouldn't have tried yoga in a brewery (stereotypical young professional, anyone?). I wouldn't have discovered the beautiful greenway behind my apartment complex.

Now is not the time for fear. Now is the time to grow.

So you can bet your butt, the next time I grow to the grocery store, I'm going to buy myself some Shiner Prickly Pear. It may not be for me, but it's worth a try.

'Most everything is.

Gratitude Lesson #3: Asking the Tough Questions

Today, as I had a life chat with Alexa, a dear friend and up-and-coming colleague, we talked about those dark places that we occasionally get into in our lives. I've written about these low places before - the doldrums, the proving grounds, the valleys. They suck, but they're real points in our lives when things just don't fit or work the way they're supposed to. We may feel down, or lost, or off our groove. Whatever it is, the low places are NOT fun.

What often helps me wake up a little, to get enough of a jolt of electricity to get myself moving again so I can try to get out of the valley, is often the thing I dread doing the most - asking myself (or finding someone to ask) the tough questions.

You know the questions I mean.

"What are you NOT doing?"

"Are you really doing your best?"

"What are you so scared of?"

"Who are you, really?"

These questions are scary as hell, let's be honest. But let's also be honest that a lot of times, we're tempted in life's valleys to throw ourselves a big pity party. And for a while, that can be a healthy behavior. Acknowledge your feelings - sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, etc. Know thyself.

But also know that dwelling on those feelings won't get you out of the valley. You must name the feeling, of course, but you also must acknowledge that that feeling is probably the very barrier (or one of them) that is preventing you from getting out of the valley. And by asking the tough questions, you are saying to yourself, "Okay. So let's say I name this feeling, this barrier.... how am I going to overcome it, or find someone to help me overcome it?"

Dwelling in the valley lets the bad feeling win; dwelling lets the darkness win. Asking the tough question is shining a flashlight on the dark corners, opening the curtains a little to let some sunlight in.

Sometimes, these tough questions can make the valleys seem even deeper and darker, because we recognize how far we have fallen, and how far we have to get back up again. However, by asking the tough questions, I think we acknowledge that there's another mountain to climb, there's another journey to be had. Life doesn't end at the valley; life is about seeking out the next mountaintop to climb.

So find the person who will be your proverbial sherpa, who's going to ask you the tough questions. It may be a parent, a family member, a friend, a mentor. It may be you who's brave enough to shine the light in the dark place. And know that it's going to hurt, asking the tough questions. It's never easy getting out of the valley. But if you're willing to not only name your valley, but also name the barrier blocking your way out onto the next mountaintop, you're going to discover the path out of the bad times a lot faster.

Take it from someone who knows. I'm so thankful to have had friends, family, and mentors who have asked me the tough questions, and recently, I've found the courage to ask myself the tough questions. In the end, I've found that it's worth the risk of the pain to be able to find a way, one step at a time, out of the low places.

Down in the Valley

Life has natural peaks and valleys.

You'd think at 26, I would have realized and come to terms with this fact by now. It just seems to be the natural order of things - what goes up must come down, etc. For every high there is a low; for every low, there is a high. The moon shines brightly at its fullest, then disappears as a new moon. The tide comes in, it goes out. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. You get the drift.

So the rational mind can accept the existence of these valleys. And yet, when you're in the midst of a valley (in the doldrums, so to speak); when you look around you and all you see is dim; when there seems no way out of the low; when there are all these outrageous mountainous obstacles surrounding you and you can't seem to muster the strength to take one more step, let alone climb... the rational mind kind of stops mattering.

What takes over is that little voice in your head that seems to whine, to whisper coaxingly, "We're so tired. Can't we just stop? There's not really a point in going forward, we're not getting out of this valley anytime soon..." It's so tempting to listen to it, too. To just throw your hands up and to give up, to give into the fear and the doubts and the self-questioning and the mistakes and the failures and the plain old negativity that seems to surround you.

I know this feeling all too well, as it might seem clear to you. The semester has taken its toll, and my little heart is about ready to throw in the towel for 2014. I'm just... done. My empathy has worn thin, my patience has worn thin, even my optimism seems to be in rare supply these days (although hopefully I'm hiding these things pretty well when interacting with other people :) ).

I say this not to be a "Debbie Downer," nor to make anyone worried, but rather, to be open and vulnerable about where I am right now, in hopes that perhaps my struggle will help someone, maybe even you, feel a little better about the #strugglebus you're riding.

I don't have some clever fix for surviving this valley, or any valleys I'll encounter going forward. I don't have some brilliant management tip, or quote, or anything to put some pep in your step. All I've got is faith, and experience, the two best teachers of all. You see, I've been in a valley before. Lots of them, actually. Some have been deeper than others; some have been wider and longer than others, but the beautiful thing is that they've all ended. They end in a climb, of course, which is a challenge in and of itself, for what goes down, must come back up. On the other hand... it can only go up from here.

So if you find yourself in a valley today, know you're not alone. There are a few of us hanging out with you in this valley. And let's take a moment to appreciate that. Not only can we be thankful for this togetherness in the hard times - we are never, ever alone in our struggles - but we can also appreciate the valleys, for they make the heights even more joyful and beautiful than they are.

It is only after being in the valley that we can have an appreciation for how far we've climbed, how much we've grown and learned, how much we can see and understand from the peaks.

#mightykacy

Courage is a scary thing. You can reach for something, and miss. You can jump, and not have anything to land on. You can ask a question, and be told "no," or "you can't."

For those of you who haven't seen it yet, here is a video of Kacy Catanzaro, my new (s)hero, DOMINATING the Dallas finals of American Ninja Warrior. In under 9 minutes, Kacy takes on HUGE, seemingly insurmountable obstacles... and overcomes them with (seeming) ease. She leaps across huge gaps, she climbs intimidating heights, but she does it all with grace, and gratitude for the support she's receiving... and fear.

Watch her take on the course. There are a few moments when Kacy gets stuck, or is on the verge of slipping or falling, or when she has to psychologically prepare herself for the obstacle in front of her. You can see the fear in her eyes, you know that she is dealing with the mental obstacle of being the first woman to go as far as she has in the competition.

#mightykacy

And yet, she keeps going. She keeps moving forward. She steels herself, then makes the leap. She dangles for a moment, and then reaches for the next bar. She mentally focuses, and then OWNS the obstacle in front of her.

I don't know about you, but I could stand to channel more of #mightykacy in my life. I had an epiphany recently that, in my mind, I equate confidence with courage. Having trust and belief in yourself - confidence - takes INCREDIBLE courage. There is a possibility that you might fail, slip, fall, disappoint others or yourself. There is a chance that your outcome may not be what you promised, envisioned, or imagined.

But you MUST believe. Without trying at all, you might never achieve, never succeed. Fear might be standing in your way, trying to convince you that the thing you want to do isn't worth it, but courage and confidence are the decision to just go ahead and do it anyway.

There have been many moments recently that I've been scared. A seemingly insurmountable obstacle stood in front of me, and I was tempted to walk away from the course. I was tempted to say, "No, not today. I'll come back another time." But channeling that courage - knowing what I wanted to do was scary, but then just going ahead and doing it anyway - and channeling my confidence, I took a step. And then another. And then another. And then another. And after a time, after some steps, some sweat, I looked... and I was done. I had climbed the "spider walls," I had jumped my way through the "pole grippers."

So next time you get scared, pause for a moment. Think of #mightykacy, and steel yourself for the task ahead of you. Know that your years of training will help you in your endeavors. Know that there is a crowd SCREAMING your name, ready to watch you gracefully succeed. Breathe. And make a step. Start the obstacle course. Enter the arena, as our good friend Teddy Roosevelt would say.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. (source)

Have courage. Have confidence. You CAN. You ARE. You WILL. 

LeaderShape, Day Five: Living and Leading With Integrity

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four

As the LeaderShape week winds to a close, the concepts that the facilitators work on with participants get more complicated. LeaderShape works on the principle of self -> group -> community development, and you can really see that trajectory through the themes of the days... the participants start by looking inward to discover who they are; they continue growth in groups as they learn to work together as a team; they end the week by looking inward AND outward simultaneously in order to better serve (and improve) the world around them. Day Five's theme - Living and Leading with Integrity - begins to ask participants to tie everything together. LeaderShape's mission includes the plan that "all lead with integrity," and on Day Five, participants and facilitators explore what that means.

Per the dictionary, integrity means "adherence to moral principles; soundness of character; honesty." To LeaderShape, integrity means values congruence - is what I believe in reflected in how I act? Or, am I "walking my talk"? Who do I want to be, and how do I "show up" to the world around me?

What a heavy, yet critically important concept to explore with college student participants. It's so hard to name your values, your TRUE values, at any age, but especially as a college student. Then, the challenge goes even further - are you acting out those values? Does your life reflect the things you believe in?

I've had many an occasion throughout my life so far when I've dealt with values congruence. Some of those situations have come out with a "win," and some of them, I'm sad to say, led to me making the choice that was best at the time rather than one that fit my values.

As a "win," one only needs to look to three short years ago, when I was finishing my first year as a graduate student in Florida State's Higher Education & Student Affairs program. My graduate assistantship was with the FSU Alumni Association, advising the Student Alumni Association group. As much as I was thankful for my job, and as much as I learned about alumni affairs and development, the values of the office - namely, a focus on relationships and development post-graduation (as opposed to during students' time in college) - did not mesh with my personal and professional values. As hard as it was, I decided (along with my supervisor, who was incredibly supportive) to look for other graduate assistantships that would better fit what I needed out of my time in graduate school. Thankfully, I ended up with an offer from the Student Activities Center, an office MUCH better suited to both my interests and to my values. This experience has proved incredibly important in my professional development - in order to be successful, I needed to know my values, and then I needed to realize when I was not "walking my talk"... and THEN I needed to be brave enough to take steps to live in more values congruence.

Of course, I don't always lead with integrity; I can be vulnerable enough to say so. Right now, for instance, in the first few years of my professional career, I am struggling with my value of self-care and with making that congruent with my lifestyle. You see, working as a new professional in higher education, the temptation (and expectation) exists to work hard and often, and to branch out into as many different pieces of the profession as you can. The culture of student affairs for grads and new professionals is often to make work your life, as opposed to just having it be a part of your life. (I have blogged about this expectation here.) And so, as much as I am aware of and AGAINST the idea of over-commitment... I am honestly over-committed right now. I work too much; I am bad at separating work from my personal life; I am not good at saying "no." And while I love the opportunities that are on my plate right now, I am exhausted, which is making me less effective at carrying out the duties that are expected of me. I am walking the path to burnout, something that many new professionals in higher education experience (leading to a 50% "dropout" rate within five years). I have identified my values, I have identified that I am not living in congruence... but this time, taking the steps to live with integrity is more challenging than I could have imagined. I keep saying I'll address it, but then... I don't. How, though, does this show up to my students and colleagues? What does it mean for me to tell my students to go home and not spend the night in the office, when I'm working 60-hour weeks? What does it mean for me to tell my friends that I miss them, but then have to cancel on plans because I'm "too busy"? I am not showing up as the person I want to be, and that's a problem I need to face, head-on. It won't be easy, nor will it be much fun, but for my own integrity - and sanity - it's something that I need to step up and address, before it's too late.

I'm sure you can think of areas in your own life where you've lived and lead with integrity, and where you may have fallen short. I think it's time that we celebrate where we are showing up as the person we want to be, and that, when we fall down and make mistakes, we say "How fascinating!" and try again. Learning to live with integrity, to "walk my talk," is a challenge that won't be easy, but it is one that is vital to make me be the person (and leader) that I want to be. It is a challenge that will test my mettle, that may break me down more than once, but one that is worth it, and one that I want to undertake - and meet - each day for the rest of my life.

Day Five of LeaderShape served as a wake-up call for me to live with more integrity. Where are places in your life where you can better practice "walking your talk"? Where is it time for you to step up, say "This isn't me," and take steps to show up as the person who you want to be?

Worrywart

Alright, confession time: I have found it extraordinarily liberating to take part in the #OneWord movement for the past couple of years, for the particular reason that it supplants having to make new year's resolutions. Instead of making a list of all the things I'm going to do better in the new year (and inevitably disappointing myself; let's be honest, it's HARD to keep those resolutions when all that Valentine's Day chocolate rolls around), I like the idea of living my year based on just one word. Of course, I make goals and plans that relate to living my life centered around this word, but it's infinitely easier to make goals when they have a theme.

Now, though, we get into the hard part. Confession #2: I HATE making goals for myself. I love the idea of setting goals--it's something to work toward! Something to focus on! Something to achieve! But in practice, I set this big ol' goal... and then I get scared. I get scared that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. I worry that I will not achieve the goal in the best way, or in a timely manner. I worry that I will let myself and others down in trying to achieve the goal and failing. 

A perfect example for you--this year, I want to focus on simplicity as my #OneWord2014. During my day off yesterday, I started to make some goals surrounding simplicity, plans for how to make my life easier, more straightforward, and better this year. One of these aforementioned goals is to have a better handle on my finances, especially my student loan debt, and to have a mental picture of what I'm responsible for as well as for how long I'll be responsible. So I get onto some federal student loan websites... and immediately start panicking. This is all incomprehensible. Why do they not explain this stuff to you when you sign up? Is there a human being on this planet who can intelligibly explain this nonsense to me? WHAT IF I'M SADDLED WITH THESE LOANS FOREVER?!? (If you've ever tried to grasp the concept of loan consolidation by yourself, you can probably empathize with these sentiments.)

Here I am, wanting to make my life more simple, easier... and my goal-setting methods (you know, normal things like "research" and "action steps") are only making me more confused, feel more stupid, and feel more irresponsible than I did when I began. And then I get discouraged... what's the good of setting goals if they're just going to terrify me, and set me up for more worry and more stress than I had previously? This process is extraordinarily self-defeating and disheartening for me.

I wanted to blog about this because I'm guessing I'm not alone in my detestation for this process. It's easy to feel discouraged and disheartened when a big journey or big task is ahead. So how do I overcome this fear, this stress, this overwhelmed feeling when I have tasks ahead of me? 

To be honest, that's part of what this year of simplicity is about--trying to ease the feeling of drowning, and get to the problem at its core. For me, then, the solution is multifaceted, and will need to be practiced and discussed over the coming year, and I plan to find accountability partners who will help me with the process. Here's my plan to lessen the worry and to ease the fear in 2014:

1. Pray more. Faith, as I've mentioned, is a BIG part of my life, and a big lesson that I've been learning recently is that I take a lot on myself and entrust very little to God. However, a huge part of maturing in the Christian faith is learning how to let go of the little things, and to let God sweat the small stuff. If my faith tells me that "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Rom. 8:28), then it's my job to practice believing and acting on that. To overcome the fear, I want my mantra to be what the wonderful Sarah Young said in her devotional, Jesus Calling: "Anxiety is a result of envisioning the future without [God]." If God is there, and I believe He will be, then there will be no need for worry. All I can do is offer my fear and worries up in prayer, and then let. them. go.

2. Ask for help. At times, I'm really good at asking for help. For example, when I had my mini-panic about my student loans, one of the first things I did was call my parents. They may not have a lot of concrete information about how the whole loan consolidation thing works, but they are calm and cool-headed in times when I am not, and they often help me think of small action steps that I can take to surmount big problems. Not only that, but they are sympathetic listeners, and eager to help me attack my problems. Seeking others' advice is something I need to practice more in other aspects of my life. I need to be more honest when I am feeling overwhelmed, and to seek others' perspectives and advice when I have a problem or when I feel confused or anxious. That's what family and community are for, after all--to support each other. I hope and expect that my friends and family can bring their problems to me for a sympathetic ear and good ol' strategic thinking session; I should reciprocate instead of trying to handle all my problems on my own (balancing, of course, actually asking for help vs. constantly complaining about life's hardships). 

3. One small step. This is something I counsel the students I work with on often, but in all honesty find it hard to practice myself--small action steps. Whenever I set a goal, I get so lost in how big the overall goal is that I often get intimidated and turn away. A thousand miles is a LONG way to walk (and no, I'm not getting all Proclaimers or Vanessa Carlton on you right now). But, to cite that oft-used metaphor: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. What is the one, small, easy, simple thing that I can do right now to start toward my goal? 

Hopefully, by practicing--and repeating--Steps 1-3 above, I can work toward lessening the worry and anxiety I often feel over the coming year. I want life to be simple and full of joy, not stressful and scary (as it often already is on its own). 

What are some methods that you use to overcome anxiety and worry in your life? How are you planning to be less stressed in 2014?

Looking Back at 2013

I guess I've got Einstein and his Theory of Relativity (no, by following that link I do NOT expect you to understand what the heck that Wikipedia article is talking about, but it's worth a shot) to thank for the fact that 2013 sped by faster than any other year I've lived yet. And it was QUITE a year. Some amazing things happened, some... not so amazing things happened. So it's time for my now-annual year-in-review post (see here for 2012's review).

I don't know what I was expecting with 2013. Again, there were some BIG milestones to celebrate:

• My big brother got married, and I got to welcome a WONDERFUL new sister-in-law (and her family) into ours!
• I turned 25, quarter-life crisis included, and got to visit the Pacific Northwest (Portland, to be specific) and some of my BEST friends for my birthday.
• I survived my first year in my first full-time job. Miracle, in and of itself.
• I actually played a sport. Not well, but the point is I played.
• I joined a sorority as an alumna initiate, and I LOVE my new sisterhood.

All that aside, 2013 was... I don't know how to say this, other than 2013 was HARD. And I know I'm not alone in this. I've talked to a lot of other people--family, friends, coworkers--and a lot of them seem to agree with me that there was just something CHALLENGING about this year. I can't quantify exactly what was so hard; if I start going into all the individual problems I've had, this will turn into a #firstworldproblems post and that is the LAST thing I want.

Let me just sum up this year by saying that I was hoping... I expected... to finish out this year more confident, more self-actualized, more sure of who I am and of why I'm where I am and of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just knew that finishing out my first year of work would make me a more competent and confident professional; that turning 25 would clue me in to ALL of life's mysteries and secrets. 

Hell, I even chose "center" as my #oneword2013 (I never ended up blogging about it, if that gives you any indication of what a cluster this year ended up being, but you can see references to my #oneword2012 here, here, and here). I was going to use this year to center myself on and deepen my relationship with God (as you can see previously, my faith is VERY important to me); I was going to pray more, read my Bible more, just TALK with God more. But honestly--and after a recent conversation with my excellent and loving parents, I believe in being open and vulnerable about this--I am in a worse place, a bigger crisis of faith, right now than I have been in a LONG time. At least throughout my (seemingly) interminable job search last year, I felt confident and sure that God was going to come through; that I would end up in EXACTLY the right place with EXACTLY the right job, for EXACTLY the right reasons. God and I talked all the time; even when the answer I heard was "no" or "wait," I was still sure that He was answering.

But now? I'm, honestly, not sure. I've heard "wait" so much and so often that I'm not even sure WHAT I'm supposed to be waiting for. I like my job, I like my town, I love my new friends and acquaintances that I've met. But why am I here? What am I getting out of this experience? Most importantly, what in all green goodness am I actually contributing to my environment? Am I making my workplace better? Am I making my students' lives better? Am I bringing more happiness and joy and love to the lives of my friends and family?

I'm in the metaphorical wilderness right now. (Listen to this song by the O.C. Supertones to get a feel for EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.)

I am, in fact, LESS confident than I was this time last year. I'm LESS sure, LESS certain of almost everything (except about those who love and support me--I am trusting in you guys more than ever!). 

But, here's the tl;dr of this post: I'm using this last day of 2013 to decide that it's okay that I'm insecure. I am deciding that, even if I'm sure that everything happens for a reason, I don't know those reasons and I'm kind of mad about it. And I'm deciding that it's okay that I'm mad about not knowing those reasons. I'm deciding that I'm going to own my vulnerability even more than I usually do. You see, I'm a big fan of Brene' Brown's work "Daring Greatly" (something my friend Michael has been blogging about too; you can read his stuff here!), and up until this year, I would have told you that I am one of the most vulnerable people I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve; one of the Strengths that has shown up all 4 times I've taken StrengthsQuest has been Empathy, for heaven's sake. I've prided myself about my ability to feel what others are feeling, and to be open and honest about those emotions.

But what I've learned this year is that I'm NOT really open about those things. I'm not honest about when I feel like I've made a mistake, or messed something up, or when I feel stupid or wrong or bad. I try to hide behind this shell of togetherness; I like to pretend that I know what I'm talking about and that I've got my life together and that I can take care of EVERYONE ELSE without taking care of myself.

But, 2013 has CERTAINLY pulled that rug out from under me. And I'm deciding today, December 31, 2013, that I'm going to be okay.

I don't have my life together... and that's okay.

I don't know everything about everything... and that's okay.

I'm not sure what 2014 will bring to me... and that's okay.

2013 was a mess, I was (am) a mess. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. The sun will rise, the world will turn, I'll learn something new every day. 2014 is a year full of hope, a blank slate, a chance to start fresh with a new attitude. It's a chance to be okay with myself when I'm not perfect, to learn anything and everything I can from every moment, and to try to grow and live and be. 

So happy new year, everyone. May 2014 bring more blessings, more truth, more love, more hope, more faith into your lives (and mine) than we ever could want or need.

"It Might Be a Quarter-Life Crisis...

...or just a stirring in my soul." - John Mayer

Happy July, everybody! It's a gorgeous 70-degree day here in Indiana, and I would apologize to those of you who are dealing with hotter heat on this July day, but I feel like living through 23 summers of 100+ degree weather entitles me to a little smugness on a gorgeous day like this. :)

I find myself in a reflective mood today, and for a multitude of reasons. It's now July, and summer, for all intents and purposes, is winding down. The new fiscal year has started (holla back, all my fellow budget managers!), our office is wrapping up a search for a new colleague (I can't believe it's been almost a year since I was experiencing such a search myself!), and our students return from their holidays and travels in about a month and a half.

This, my first summer on the job, has proved to be a wonderfully restorative one. My supervisor, student leaders, and I have taken time to take stock, discuss goals for the coming year, and really enjoy the 9-5 grind of this office (as opposed to our late-night grind during the school year). In addition, I have travels up ahead to take time off from work: in about 27 hours I'll be flying out to Portland, Oregon, to see some of my best friends and to celebrate my birthday (see below for more on that), and then in a few weeks I'm making an extended trip down to my homeland - the great state of Texas - to celebrate some dear friends getting married. Summer travels are my favorite, and I can't wait to put this summer's trips on the books.

Another reason I find myself reflective at this point in the summer, as I alluded to above, is that it's almost my birthday! (In lieu of presents, dear friends, just come visit me in Bloomington. ;) ) I will be 25 years old this year (if you couldn't guess from my brilliant lyrical title), and the whole idea of a "quarter-life crisis" really has me thinking about where I am right now. This Buzzfeed article has been making the rounds among my peers on Facebook, and according to its purpose, it got me thinking about if I'm in the middle of my "quarter-life crisis."

And I can honestly say...I'm not. (yet, anyway. I'm still kickin' it at 24! :) )

But seriously, all the anxiety and questions that psychologists say come along at this point in my life - who am I, why am I here, what am I doing, and so on - happened at this exact point LAST YEAR. Ya know, that whole job search thing really got me pondering the deep questions of life. Was it a good idea to go to grad school? Is higher education the right field for me? Was it smart to pick up and move halfway across the country?  Will I EVER be able to manage my own budget? (The jury's still out on that one, folks...) Will I be FOREVER ALONE?

A year later, I still don't know all the answers, but I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I've got faith that God is using me to His (and my) best purpose where I am right now. I've got some of the best friends and family that a girl could ever ask for, and those numbers are growing day by day and week by week. I really, really do like my job a whole, whole lot; even on the days when it seems like things are going to hell in a handbasket (and they happen MUCH more often than I'd like), I know that my students and I are learning invaluable things that are going to help us later on in life. I'm constantly learning, growing, and developing, and more than anything, I'm THANKFUL.

I'm thankful for almost 25 pretty solid years on this earth, and I can't wait for 75 more. (Ya know, one has to assume that "quarter-life" refers to the fact that I'm going to live to be 100... I'll take it.)

So I wish everyone a HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, and a FABULOUS mid-summer week. May all of you find joy in your days!

Don't let your life pass you by

So this is change.

Tonight, as I hung up on two consecutive phone calls from two good friends and former counselors of mine, I experienced the first (well, second—first was watching my parents drive away) acute and stinging pangs of homesickness.

Let me qualify: So far, my new home state is beautiful. I enjoyed the drive here (although it was LONG), I’ve enjoyed settling in with my roommates, I have LOVED getting to know my new cohort classmates and cannot wait to embark upon the journey of the next three years with them. We have orientation tomorrow (I LOVE that word and all it stands for) and I start work Tuesday; we have a busy welcome week with classes starting a week from tomorrow! And I cannot WAIT to get to know my students.

That being said, it’s hard to let go of the past. This time of year is always special because of my beloved organizations, and here I am in a different state; even more, a different TIME ZONE, at a different university, getting ready to ADVISE students as they come back to school and their own organizations, wishing at this very moment to be dyeing my hair, organizing discussion group times, making tutus, buying school supplies, and generally being at home at my undergrad.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of beginning a time in a new city, a new state, at a new university with a culture very different from the one I’m used to. I’m afraid of my new classes, hoping that I will be able to succeed as a graduate student. I’m afraid of being in a professional advisory capacity to students; afraid that I will be an insufficient helper to them in their times of greatest need. And I am deeply afraid that, in spite of my heart being so at home right now, my loved ones far away will forget about me.

But, as I have begun to discover, growing up is all about fear. It’s about recognizing what fears exist. It’s about acknowledging those fears, what they entail, and where they stem from. And, ultimately, it’s deciding that the direction in which I want to head in life—the path that I choose—is worth all the fear.

The relationships I will be building over the next two years, the students I will be interacting with and learning from, the professionals whose guidance will ground me and lead me, the beautiful new things I will be learning about my chosen profession—all these things make this pain, this fear, this sadness, WORTH IT.

Ultimately, I do need to accept the homesickness for what I am comfortable with and the fear that I will be forgotten.

But I also need to hold on to the truth that I know for a fact I am loved and supported even over those 1,000 miles, and those people are completely confident in me.

Even more than that, I need to embrace what the past has given me. But instead of letting the fear hold me back, I need to let the strength and knowledge I have gained over the past four years bolster my hope and give me the reassurance that I HAVE chosen the right path and profession for me. I WILL be learning a lot, and I MIGHT struggle sometimes, but the fact remains that my passion for this field remains, and I’m not going anywhere.

So, as orientation begins tomorrow, and as I begin to orient myself on the path towards a master’s degree and a professional career, I do miss my past, but I am letting it settle into me as the foundations for a bright and happy future on a new path, in a new place, with new and promising friends, mentors, and lessons to learn. My undergraduate career did much to make me who I am up ‘til now, but it’s time to take the leap towards the person I want to become.

Deep thoughts for a Sunday night, but, as one of my favorite authors says, “For each of us comes a time when we must be more than what we are.” (Lloyd Alexander)

My time is now. When is yours?