30 During 30: The Officially Thirty Update

It's happened - I am officially 30 years old. (Thirty, flirty, and thriving to be precise.) I had the best birthday - my Mom took me on a surprise trip to Aspen, CO, where we:

• Ate delicious food
• Shopped 'til we dropped
• Hiked multiple local sites (including the Ute Trail and Maroon Bells)
• Went Whitewater Rafting (SO FUN Y'ALL)
• SUMMITED A 14ER!

Now that I'm actually 30, and now that I've accomplished some more on my #30Before30 #30During30 List, I figured I'd provide a quick update so y'all can see how I'm doing! 

Realistically speaking, I don't think I'll get to everything on this list, and honestly, some of my priorities have changed in the 2 years since I wrote this list. But it's such a nice tracker of all the wonderful blessings I have in my life - family, friends, travel, and amazing experiences.

Original List Here
First Update Here

Cassidy's 30 During 30 List: The Officially Thirty Update

ACCOMPLISHED: 15/30
1. Travel to London - Completed Summer '17. To date, the BEST FREAKING TRIP OF MY LIFE.
3. Visit a state I’ve never been to before - Completed June '18. I traveled to Boise, ID this summer to marry one of my best friends, my grad school roommate Ashlie, and her lovely husband Chris. SUCH a fun trip, and I may or may not have fallen in love with Boise!
4. Take an off-the-grid (NO EMAIL) vacation - Completed Summer '17 (my Europe trip).
6. Hike a 14er - Completed July '18! This one wasn't planned, but was a wonderful happenstance - while on my 30th birthday trip to Aspen, my Mom met a random fellow traveler at our hotel who had summited several 14ers, and who let her know that one of the easiest ones, Mount Bierstadt, was on the way back to Denver from Aspen. So Mom and I dedicated a day (it took us 7 hours to hike the 7-mile round trip) to summiting this 14,065' peak. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done - I got heat exhaustion on the way down - but dang if it wasn't one of the COOLEST THINGS I'VE EVER DONE TOO!
8. Backpack on the Appalachian Trail - Completed Summer '17 (day-hiked 2 sections near Bland, VA with my mom!)
9. Plan an amazing 30th Birthday Celebration/Trip - Completed July '18. I ended up having less control over this one - as mentioned before, my Mom took me on a surprise trip to Aspen, CO! I knew we were going on a trip, but not the destination. Mom dropped a couple of (very obscure) hints in the month prior, but I didn't find out until the morning of that we were off to Aspen (where the beer flows like wine and where the beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano). We had such a good time!
10. Pay off half of total principal student loan balance - This is basically done (as of August '18), so I'm calling it a win. As of next month, I will be halfway done paying off my principal loan balance! AND, to make it even sweeter, I am currently DONE with payments to one of the three companies which hold my loans. The weight is slowly lifting!
12. Run a half-marathon - Completed x2! March '17 (Skidaway Island Half) & November '17 (Outer Banks Southern Fried Half)
16. Schedule regular doctor/dentist check-ups - Completed December '17 - Doctor. Dentist. Optometrist. AND counselor. I adulted so hard, y'all.
17. Complete a Whole 30/28-day Paleo (or similar) Challenge - Completed with great success as of February '18. I'll be starting another one in mid-August, to get back on track for the school year (and to look cute before my brother's wedding!).
18. Learn how to water-ski - Completed July '18. Okay, this one is cheating, but it's my list, so I don't care. I am changing this one, because I don't realistically think I will have a chance to learn how to water-ski in the next year. But you know what I have done TWICE this year? Go whitewater rafting - once at the U.S. National Whitewater Center here in Charlotte, and once on my birthday in Colorado. So even though it's not exactly the same thing (ok fine, it's nowhere close to the same thing), I'm still gonna mark this one as completed. (My list, my rules.)
19. Try 30 new recipes - Completed during Whole 30 as of February '18.
20. Learn calligraphy - Completed August '17; I took a hand-lettering class locally. SO MUCH FUN.
28. Volunteer with Girls on the Run - Completed as of May '18. I finally got to sign up to be a 5K volunteer, and LOVED getting to cheer on all the girls as they completed their race. It was so thrilling to watch a giant group of girls feel empowered and have fun while being healthy. I'll definitely keep volunteering at the biannual races here in Charlotte!
29. Solidify & stay constant with volunteering role(s) with Gamma Phi Beta - Currently completed - I've finally taken my role down to just one: President of our Charlotte Alumnae Chapter. Although I still want to accomplish so much more in the role, we've had a few social events this year, and I have a wonderful group of local sisters who are engaged and excited to network with each other. It feels good to have nailed this one down.


IN PROGRESS/CONFIRMED TO HAPPEN: 1/30
25. See Beyonce in concert (if she tours) - As you may or may not know, The Carters are currently on their On the Run II Tour, and EMILY JOYNTON AND I ARE SEEING THE QUEEN ON JULY 30 IN PHILADELPHIA! Words CANNOT express how psyched I am for this show (and visiting dear Emily, of course - love you, girl).


TOTAL: 16/30 Over halfway there, y'all!

And We'll All Float On Okay

As I move toward the end of the calendar year, and the middle of my second year in my current job, and the end of my twenties, I find myself not really working toward anything... big.

Well. I shouldn't knock my 30 Before 30 List - I have a lot of goals, even more than what the list mentions. And I'm well on my way to tackling quite a few of them - I'm working hard to be ready for my half marathon in March; I'm well on my way to my savings goal for my summer 2017 London trip; I'm trying to get up the courage to finally get my tattoo. A lot of the items on the list are big goals, and I shouldn't downplay them.

But I don't really have a plan right now.

I had a really great phone conversation with a friend yesterday, who was pondering their current lack of a life plan. "I always have to have a plan," they said.

Me? I've never been much of a "life plan" type of person. Sure, I set goals for myself. But I've found that, whenever I try to make big "life plans," God likes to laugh at me, and then the plan gets totally upended. And then I end up somewhere unexpected, like graduate school in Florida. Or working in higher education in Bloomington, Indiana.

So, I stopped trying to make big plans. They just don't work for me.

But I find myself reflecting - does a lack of a plan make me purposeless? (It sure feels like it sometimes!)

I don't really know what my Purpose is here on earth (and I don't really expect to ever find it out in this life), so I usually find myself trusting God and doing the best I can.

And I guess, that's my question. Is figuring it out day by day enough of a purpose? Is it acceptable to enjoy life as it comes, and do my best to do my best? To work toward living a life of contentment and joy? To surround myself with the people I love, and do the things I like?

For now, I feel like it is enough.

They say when you're caught in an undertow, you shouldn't fight the current, but rather swim along with it. Wherever this current is ultimately going to take me, I find myself enjoying just... floating along.

Adulting.

Yesterday, I adulted. And I mean HARD CORE adulted. I was awake at 7:00am (on a SATURDAY, y'all). I went to the DMV to renew my car registration. I went to Sam's Club to buy new tires. (Ouch.) I dropped off some dry cleaning. I ran 3.5 miles, as part of my half marathon training. And I deep-cleaned my guest bedroom and bathroom (any visitors?).

The best part: I did all of this before noon. ON A SATURDAY.

I don't even know who I am anymore, y'all.

Well, that's not true, to an extent. I know exactly who I am - I'm Cassidy, and I'm finally practicing adulting.

When the college students with whom I work start complaining about how hard life is (as we all tend to do, let's be honest), I remind them that they're adults now, and that being an adult consists of two key truths that I've learned over the past few years, since I was a college student myself.

Here are these truths, which are actually corollaries of each other:
1) Being an adult means that you have to make yourself do things you don't want to do. All the time.

When you were younger, the people who raised you probably did a lot of things for you - they would make your doctor's appointments, or pay your living costs/bills, or make your lunch for you to take to school.

When you're an adult, there's no one to do this for you. (Probably.) You have to schedule that dentist appointment you've been putting off for 3 years. You have to re-register your car at the DMV (and pay property taxes... ouch). You have to wash those dishes that have been sitting in your sink since Tuesday. You're the only person that's responsible for your life now... so do the thing. It sucks, but you're the person who can and should do it.

2) Being an adult means that you're allowed to make whatever choices you want... but you have to live with the consequences of those choices.

As you got older, you probably had to start doing a lot of the aforementioned chores for yourself, but there would be consequences if you didn't. Clean your room, or no TV. Mow the lawn, or you're grounded.  When you're an adult, a lot of times, these consequences aren't as apparent, because a lot of times, no one external is setting them for you.

Listen, the first time I realized that I could let my dishes sit in the sink for a week, I was ecstatic. Washing dishes is mundane, tedious, and sometimes icky. I didn't have a parent or roommate shooting me dirty looks for leaving them sitting; I didn't face no TV or no cell phone for not getting them done. It was magic. But after a few days, those dishes start smelling. Fruit flies may show up. And eventually, you run out of dishes.

I made a choice not to wash my dishes, but then I had to live with the consequences of not washing them - no clean dishes. An even dirtier kitchen. And those consequences, honestly, were worse than if I had just bit the bullet and cleaned them.

This is such a metaphor for adulthood it's not even funny - oftentimes, the immediate action of doing something may be distasteful, or hard, or you may be unsure of how to do it. But the reality is, the consequence of not doing the thing is 99.9% percent of the time WAY worse than doing the thing in the moment.

Sure, I can choose not to go to the doctor or dentist. But what problems are going to be worse because I'm not discovering them early? Sure, I can procrastinate on getting my car's registration renewed. But when I get a ticket for an out-of-date registration, whose fault is that? Adulthood is about facing choices, and making decisions, and then dealing with the consequences.

~

I'm still learning these lessons; I'm by no means perfect. I may have renewed my car registration yesterday; I haven't gone to the dentist in years (I'll spare you the details on how long it's been). I may have deep-cleaned my guest bedroom and bathroom; I still need to vacuum the rest of my apartment and clean my kitchen.

In the end, what I'm really working on is not feeling guilt for the things left undone; rather, I'm attempting to be proud of the progress I've made. Sure, I may slip and make a mistake, but I'm still growing and learning from those mistakes. Every small victory is still a victory - as my friend Ashlie says, "A baby shark is still a shark." Any bit of progress, however small, is still a step forward. And that's something to be proud of.

Thirty Before 30: Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

We're post-birthday and post-August, which in higher ed world is one of the busiest times of year, so I figured I should rev up the ol' blog once again. I turned 28 in July, so I'm one step closer to the big 3-0 (22 months and 6 days, to be exact).

With that being said, I decided to sit down and make my Thirty Before 30 List (two months AFTER my birthday). I've set some pretty big goals, as you'll see below, and I wanted to give myself a reasonable amount of time - July 2018 - to accomplish them. (After all, my goals must be SMART, right? #educatorjokes)

Without further ado, here's the list; expect blog posts as I accomplish these goals!

Cassidy's Thirty Before 30 (Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving) List:

TRAVEL

1. Travel to London - I'm such an Anglophile, and I have family living in London Town - there's no reason I shouldn't do this. In fact, I'm planning to check this off the list next summer! :)
2. Travel to Rome - Between my Italian heritage, my somewhat limited knowledge of the Italian language (I took it in college and am a little rusty), and my love of history, I crave a visit to La Citta Eterna. I may make this my 30th Birthday Gift to myself... TBD.
3. Visit a state I’ve never been to before - I love traveling domestically in the U.S.; I'd like to expand my list of states visited. On the docket: Massachusetts (Boston), Idaho (Boise), and/or Utah (Zion National Park). Open to suggestions :)
4. Take an off-the-grid (NO EMAIL) vacation - I am incredibly guilty of not fully being on vacation when I go on vacation. I want to challenge myself to turn off email for the duration of a WHOLE vacation, and to truly live in and enjoy the moment.

EXPERIENCES

5. Ride in a hot air balloon - I am terrified of heights but also love the view from up top. I want to ride in a hot air balloon SO bad, and to try not to have a panic attack the whole time.
6. Hike a 14-er - Again, love being up high but I am terrified of heights. But I also love climbing mountains, and the West has a plethora of great destination hikes. I'd like to bag at least one 14-er (a mountain over 14,000 feet above sea level) before I hit the big 3-0.
7. Get a tattoo - I've wanted the same tattoo for about 5 years. It's time to pull the trigger.
8. Backpack on the Appalachian Trail - The Appalachians are my mountain range; I feel at home when I'm there. I want to channel my best Cheryl Strayed and get on the AT for several days/a week. Travel buddies welcome!
9. Plan an amazing 30th Birthday Celebration/Trip - I want to go BIG for 30. See above note about Rome. I'm open to suggestions/travel buddies on this one, too :)

MONEY

10. Pay off half of total principal student loan balance - I took out a lot of student loans, and I want to be out of debt SOON. By the time I turn 30 I'll be 6 years into repayment, so I'd like to be halfway done paying back my principal by my 30th birthday. It'll take some finagling & some real dedication with my budgeting, but debt is terrible, so it'll be worth it.
11. Go on a month-long spending cleanse - I want to accomplish this one sooner rather than later. I need to refocus my budgeting (especially if I'm wanting to travel AND take down my debt). I want to think really critically about how I spend my money - and not spend for a month, so I know what I need vs. what I want.

WELLNESS

12. Run a half-marathon - I've toyed with running since college, but never committed to a long distance. Now's the time. My parents and I are, as of today, signed up for a half marathon in March of 2017. Wish me luck!
13. Figure out and stick to regular workout regimen - I am TERRIBLE at staying in shape, because I hate most forms of working out. I want to figure out what works for me AND make it a habit by the time I turn 30.
14. Complete a 30-day yoga challenge - I love yoga but haven't made a habit of it. Many studios offer a "30-day challenge" of practicing every day for a month; I can always do with more centering.
15. Find & attend a home church regularly - I've lived in Charlotte for over a year and still haven't made the commitment to a home church... yet!
16. Schedule regular doctor/dentist check-ups - I haven't gone to the doctor (any doctor) or dentist in... a while. I will spare you the details. But I need to be a grown-up and schedule appointments for myself. (It's getting embarrassing.)
17. Complete a Whole 30/28-day Paleo (or similar) Challenge - I believe in moderation and portion control with food, but I also want to learn how to be more conscious of what I eat and how it makes me feel. I think a 28-day or 30-day challenge would be just the thing for me to thoughtfully eat better.

LEARNING

18. Learn how to water-ski - I've now snow-skied, and skiing on flat(ish) water is WAYYYY less terrifying than falling down a mountain.
19. Try 30 new recipes - I am able to cook; I'm often too lazy to do so. I have tons of Pinterest recipes ready to go. This one should be a breeze.
20. Learn calligraphy - I love the act of writing and can fake calligraphy script really well. I'd love to take a class on how to do it properly!
21. Learn how to rock climb - See above for sentiments about being terrified of heights but loving the view, and workin' on my fitness. (There's a metaphor for another blog post in there somewhere.)
22. Decide on a Ph.D. program (even if I’m not ready to apply for it yet) - I know I want a Ph.D.; I just need to figure out what it'll be and where I'd like to apply.
23. Learn how to apply lipstick - I have my daily makeup routine down, and yet, I CANNOT make lipstick stick. Ever. This is #lifegoals before 30.

ART/CULTURE

24. Attend a professional ballet performance (other than “The Nutcracker”) - I danced for 15 years and adore ballet, and yet have never seen a professional performance other than The Nutcracker. No more.
25. See Beyonce in concert (if she tours) - For as much as I love Queen Bey, I've yet to commit to a concert of hers. If she tours again in the next two years, I'm going, no questions asked.
26. Watch all of the AFI Top 100 Films - I love movies; I need to see more of the classics.
27. Join a choir - I miss choir, more than I ever thought I would. I'd love to find one as a hobby.

SERVICE

28. Volunteer with Girls on the Run - Girls on the Run is a nonprofit organization that I'm a huge fan of for a number of reasons (including that it's my sorority's philanthropy organization). I would love to get more involved as a volunteer, whether that's as a coach, running buddy, or simply a regular 5K volunteer.
29. Solidify & stay constant with volunteering role(s) with Gamma Phi Beta - Gamma Phi is my sorority and is a life-long commitment; I need to figure out what that commitment looks like and make it stick!
30. Complete 30 Random Acts of Kindness - Giving back to others means the world to me; I want to make the world a little happier in the next couple of years. It's the least I can do.

And I Must Go

When I was younger, I would have told you I was a beach person. My birthday is in the summer, and I reveled in the extremes of the hot sun and the cool water. I also grew up 8 hours from the beach, so getting to visit the ocean was always a special trip. I loved the grittiness of the sand, the saltiness of the water, the push and pull of the waves. I loved the exhausted feeling at the end of the day, when you're a bit sunburnt and thirsty and the rasp of salt and sand is still on your skin, but you know you've had a day well-spent in the water.

I still love the ocean today; there's something so tranquil about hearing the waves crash and feeling your body float in the tide, about searching for (and not finding) where the water ends and the sky begins.

But, as I've gotten older, the mountains have grown on me more and more.

When I was in my early teens, I used to travel each summer to Ruidoso, New Mexico, with family friends. There was something so exciting about the trip into the mountains - seeing the rugged shapes rise from the flat landscape in front of you, feeling the temperature shift and drop, smelling the pine trees as they tower over the roadside. We'd hike near our cabin, play in the freezing stream, go bear-watching at night... and would come down feeling so rested and refreshed.

In my life so far, I've had the chance to visit the Appalachians and the Rockies, the Davis Mountains of Texas, the Green Mountains of Vermont, the Uwharrie Mountains of the Carolinas, among others. All of them speak to me on an elemental, soul-stirring level. The mountains soothe my spirit when I'm troubled. They make me feel brave.

I can't help but believe some of this is genetic. My mother's people come from the Smokies, generations of folks making their way in the wilderness of East Tennessee, and before that, in the highlands of Scotland. My father's people hail from the cragged, rocky wilds of Sicily and the rolling green hills of Ireland.

Maybe a little piece of my soul remembers that the mountains are a haven. The towering heights aren't a danger, but a home.

Sitting on a ledge or a hillside, awestruck at the panorama in front of me.

Snow and ice everywhere, trying not to slip as I walk the trails, but not caring when I fall.

The rocks retaining their sun-baked warmth, as the desert spreads out in front of me all the way to Mexico.

The way the clouds roll in and change around the summits of the Smokies, sunny one minute; foggy and mysterious the next.

Walking through a patch of wildflowers, hearing the bees buzz and the birds sing.

Climbing a ladder that's bolted into the rock, fearing the heights but knowing the climb is worth it.

As I focus in 2016 on being well,  I am trying to spend time figuring out what makes me feel whole and complete, and doing more of those things. So I'll tell you - I've spent almost every weekend of 2016 so far climbing one kind of mountain or another, and I plan to keep on climbing whenever I can.

"I couldn't help myself. -The hills were beckoning and... the sky was so blue today... and everything was so green and fragrant, I had to be a part of it." - Fraulein Maria, The Sound of Music

"The mountains are calling, and I must go." - John Muir

My #OneWord2016: Well

Since 2012, I have chosen to mark each year with the choosing of One Word. The idea behind this movement is that, instead of setting resolutions for the new year that you may (or may not) keep, you choose one word that signifies what you want to focus on for the year, what you need more of in your life, and what needs to change for you. In 2012, my word was "Believe;" in 2013, it was "Center;" in 2014, it was "Simplicity;" and in 2015, I chose "Gratitude." All of those words turned out incredibly meaningful for me, especially considering the many events and changes of the past four years. 

And now, the page has turned into a new year. The earth has taken off on her course of another revolution around the sun, and I sat myself down and thought about what I want, what I need, what I hope for in 2016. 

Let's look at the facts: 2016 will mark my 28th year on the planet. It will see the completion of my first year in my new job, and my fourth professional year post-masters. This year will mark 10 years since I graduated from high school, and 6 since I graduated from college. It will see me celebrating a year as a North Carolinian. 

When I think beyond these facts, though, and envision where I want to be in 366 days (because, of course, let's not forget that 2016 is a leap year!), I picture myself happy. I picture myself more confident. I picture my faith having grown, as well as my care for others. I picture stronger relationships. I picture a grown woman who may not know where she'll be at the end of the following year, but one who knows from where her strength comes, and one who finds joy in each day.

Really, considering this goal, there was only one word that can guide my 2016: well. 

To be "well" means to be in good health, to be of sound body and mind. It means that something is satisfactory and pleasing and good. "Well" means gratifying. "Well" to me is almost a synonym for "whole" - not a thing is missing, and if it is, it doesn't matter (or, one is strong enough to seek out the missing thing).

Doesn't that sound good, to be well? I would love to end this year feeling that I grew in wellness, that I became more holistically sound and satisfactory and gratified and whole.

So, I'll be focusing at different times this year on the six different dimensions of wellness: occupational, physical, social, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. I haven't decided yet if each month will be a focus on a different dimension, or whether I'll set small goals for each dimension each month; stay tuned for that plan. But I thought that this approach would touch every part of my life - my body, my soul, and my mind, as well as my external world and my relationships.

Well in 2016 means I want to worry less, and procrastinate less. It means I want to eat better and get moving more. It means I want to spend less money in the short-term to save up for the long-term. It means I want to invest more in my relationships and strengthen them. It means I want to re-focus on my relationship with God, to return fully to Him and to rely fully on Him. 

This January 1, I'm making a commitment to be well in 2016. I invite you to keep up with my journey, as well as to ask me about my progress throughout the year. 

I have a good feeling about 2016. How can I not? This morning began with coffee, with prayer time, with writing, and with sharing my hopes and dreams for the coming year. 

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

Shiner Prickly Pear

For those of you from Texas or with loved ones from Texas, you have probably (at some point) tasted (and enjoyed) a Shiner beer. Brewed in the tiny town of Shiner, TX, Shiner beers are not only delicious; they represent Texan culture in a fantastic way - not only through the brewery's history, but also through the beers that they brew.

Two of my favorite Shiner draughts are Shiner Cheer, which is a holiday beer that has flavors of pecan and peach (two uniquely Texan flavors to add to a holiday brew), and Shiner Ruby Redbird, which features delicious Texas ruby red grapefruit.

My love for Shiner beer is clear by this point, I imagine. So imagine my intrigue when I walk into my local Harris Teeter grocery store (being a North Carolinian, I feel it is my obligation to support local grocery stores, just as I patronized Publix in Florida - shout out to PubSubs!!!), and I see Shiner Prickly Pear beer.

"Huh," I thought. "That's a new flavor. It sounds good, and I've enjoyed cactus-influenced beers before" - here, a shoutout to my favorite beer in the world, Breckenridge Brewery's Agave Wheat - "...but I don't know, that sounds kind of weird. Should I buy it? I'd be stuck with a whole six-pack..."

My deliberations proved too much for me, and (ultimately shopping on a budget) I decided to pass the Prickly Pear by, waiting for a later date to sample this brew.

Now, I regret that decision.

I just moved to a new city and state, as referenced in my last blog post. I am on my second job out of graduate school, and I'm a young woman in my twenties. Now is the time when I need to be putting myself out there - trying new things, meeting new people, exploring new places, and more. I can't let fear of the unknown hold me back.

If I let fear hold me back, I never would have gone out for a co-chair position in my undergrad's extended orientation program, and thus discovered my future career path (and had what is, to this day, the best summer of my life).

If I let fear hold me back, I would never have gone to graduate school at The Florida State University, and met some of the best people (and learned some of the most important things) in my life.

If I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have accepted a fantastic position in Indiana, and moved halfway across the country, away from all my friends and family, only to find a new home in the Midwest and deep, meaningful experiences in my first professional job.

And if I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have branched out and gone for this new job, one that matters deeply to me and one that I suspect is going to teach me even more than I could possibly imagine, in addition to bringing me back close to my family and in a state that I love (only second to Texas).

I wouldn't have already made some new friends - shoutout to my colleagues in the Union, Orientation, Greek Life, and more. I wouldn't have tried yoga in a brewery (stereotypical young professional, anyone?). I wouldn't have discovered the beautiful greenway behind my apartment complex.

Now is not the time for fear. Now is the time to grow.

So you can bet your butt, the next time I grow to the grocery store, I'm going to buy myself some Shiner Prickly Pear. It may not be for me, but it's worth a try.

'Most everything is.

Puzzling

For anyone who's seen any of the modern classic TV show New Girl, you probably know who Winston is - sometimes the voice of reason, sometimes an absurd and delightful part of our favorite roommate foursome. For those of you who don't know Winston, there are a few facts that are critical to understanding who Winston is as a human, and one of those is that Winston loves puzzles.

Or, as Winston calls it, "Puzzling."

Unfortunately, Winston is also very, very bad at puzzles. Like, really, really, really bad. (Click that link. It's important.)

I've been reflecting a lot recently, on life and its changes. For those of you who don't know, I just started a brand new job, at a new institution, in a new state. And while I am incredibly excited about this change (seriously. so pumped.), I also can't really believe it's happening.

I didn't know this time three years ago when I was job searching where I would be just one month later (accepting a job at Indiana University), let alone that three years later I would be moving to North Carolina to start a completely different position at a new institution. I didn't know all the wonderful friends and colleagues I would be meeting shortly in the Midwest and the amazing connections I would make that would lead me to new personal and professional families (Gamma Phi Beta and ACUI, respectively). I didn't know I would adapt to 6-month, sub-zero-degree winters, or that I would fall in love with the incredible melancholic beauty of fall and the dazzling, inspirational springtime. I didn't know that I would be challenged beyond what I thought possible, that I would learn more than I thought possible, nor that I would grow beyond what I thought possible.

But I was, I did, and I definitely, definitely did. Life's funny that way, isn't it? It makes me think of my friend Winston and his love for puzzles. To me, life is a puzzle. Sure, you may have a picture of the "end result" that you'd like to see ("IT'S A JAPANESE GARDEN!"), but that doesn't necessarily make puzzling any easier. And hell, what happens when, like me and (I imagine) so many of you, AND like our friend Winston,  we DON'T know how the puzzle is supposed to turn out?

All we have to go on is a general shape - a rectangle. A life.

We've got guiding, "border" pieces - those checkpoints along the way. A job, friends, family, hobbies.

But all those middle pieces? Everything in between? Pure guesswork.

Will we find love? I don't know. Will we like our jobs, or even tolerate them? I don't know. Will we get those promotions, those raises, those corner offices we dream of? I don't know. Will we stay with this same company for years, or hop around like the true Millennials we are? I don't know. I truly, truly don't know what's next.

All I can do, like my buddy Winston, is take this crazy life puzzle one piece at a time. I can sift through my core values, through what I hope to achieve, and I can make leaps of faith. Sometimes they'll pan out, sometimes they won't. What matters is in the trying.

And that feeling, when you find two pieces that fit together? When you start to see just a glimpse of the bigger picture?

Well, isn't that why we're out here puzzling in the first place?

Gratitude Lesson #3: Asking the Tough Questions

Today, as I had a life chat with Alexa, a dear friend and up-and-coming colleague, we talked about those dark places that we occasionally get into in our lives. I've written about these low places before - the doldrums, the proving grounds, the valleys. They suck, but they're real points in our lives when things just don't fit or work the way they're supposed to. We may feel down, or lost, or off our groove. Whatever it is, the low places are NOT fun.

What often helps me wake up a little, to get enough of a jolt of electricity to get myself moving again so I can try to get out of the valley, is often the thing I dread doing the most - asking myself (or finding someone to ask) the tough questions.

You know the questions I mean.

"What are you NOT doing?"

"Are you really doing your best?"

"What are you so scared of?"

"Who are you, really?"

These questions are scary as hell, let's be honest. But let's also be honest that a lot of times, we're tempted in life's valleys to throw ourselves a big pity party. And for a while, that can be a healthy behavior. Acknowledge your feelings - sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, etc. Know thyself.

But also know that dwelling on those feelings won't get you out of the valley. You must name the feeling, of course, but you also must acknowledge that that feeling is probably the very barrier (or one of them) that is preventing you from getting out of the valley. And by asking the tough questions, you are saying to yourself, "Okay. So let's say I name this feeling, this barrier.... how am I going to overcome it, or find someone to help me overcome it?"

Dwelling in the valley lets the bad feeling win; dwelling lets the darkness win. Asking the tough question is shining a flashlight on the dark corners, opening the curtains a little to let some sunlight in.

Sometimes, these tough questions can make the valleys seem even deeper and darker, because we recognize how far we have fallen, and how far we have to get back up again. However, by asking the tough questions, I think we acknowledge that there's another mountain to climb, there's another journey to be had. Life doesn't end at the valley; life is about seeking out the next mountaintop to climb.

So find the person who will be your proverbial sherpa, who's going to ask you the tough questions. It may be a parent, a family member, a friend, a mentor. It may be you who's brave enough to shine the light in the dark place. And know that it's going to hurt, asking the tough questions. It's never easy getting out of the valley. But if you're willing to not only name your valley, but also name the barrier blocking your way out onto the next mountaintop, you're going to discover the path out of the bad times a lot faster.

Take it from someone who knows. I'm so thankful to have had friends, family, and mentors who have asked me the tough questions, and recently, I've found the courage to ask myself the tough questions. In the end, I've found that it's worth the risk of the pain to be able to find a way, one step at a time, out of the low places.

Down in the Valley

Life has natural peaks and valleys.

You'd think at 26, I would have realized and come to terms with this fact by now. It just seems to be the natural order of things - what goes up must come down, etc. For every high there is a low; for every low, there is a high. The moon shines brightly at its fullest, then disappears as a new moon. The tide comes in, it goes out. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. You get the drift.

So the rational mind can accept the existence of these valleys. And yet, when you're in the midst of a valley (in the doldrums, so to speak); when you look around you and all you see is dim; when there seems no way out of the low; when there are all these outrageous mountainous obstacles surrounding you and you can't seem to muster the strength to take one more step, let alone climb... the rational mind kind of stops mattering.

What takes over is that little voice in your head that seems to whine, to whisper coaxingly, "We're so tired. Can't we just stop? There's not really a point in going forward, we're not getting out of this valley anytime soon..." It's so tempting to listen to it, too. To just throw your hands up and to give up, to give into the fear and the doubts and the self-questioning and the mistakes and the failures and the plain old negativity that seems to surround you.

I know this feeling all too well, as it might seem clear to you. The semester has taken its toll, and my little heart is about ready to throw in the towel for 2014. I'm just... done. My empathy has worn thin, my patience has worn thin, even my optimism seems to be in rare supply these days (although hopefully I'm hiding these things pretty well when interacting with other people :) ).

I say this not to be a "Debbie Downer," nor to make anyone worried, but rather, to be open and vulnerable about where I am right now, in hopes that perhaps my struggle will help someone, maybe even you, feel a little better about the #strugglebus you're riding.

I don't have some clever fix for surviving this valley, or any valleys I'll encounter going forward. I don't have some brilliant management tip, or quote, or anything to put some pep in your step. All I've got is faith, and experience, the two best teachers of all. You see, I've been in a valley before. Lots of them, actually. Some have been deeper than others; some have been wider and longer than others, but the beautiful thing is that they've all ended. They end in a climb, of course, which is a challenge in and of itself, for what goes down, must come back up. On the other hand... it can only go up from here.

So if you find yourself in a valley today, know you're not alone. There are a few of us hanging out with you in this valley. And let's take a moment to appreciate that. Not only can we be thankful for this togetherness in the hard times - we are never, ever alone in our struggles - but we can also appreciate the valleys, for they make the heights even more joyful and beautiful than they are.

It is only after being in the valley that we can have an appreciation for how far we've climbed, how much we've grown and learned, how much we can see and understand from the peaks.

all's quiet on the Western front

The soft sounds of Pandora (Katy Perry radio; you're welcome).

The autumn wind gusting outside my windows.

The soft hum of my office heater.

The click-clack of my keyboard keys as I type.

The quiet murmur of the facilities workers performing maintenance.


These are the sounds I hear this morning, in this restful quiet. The students of IU are officially on Thanksgiving Break, and I'm in the office, ready to be productive and really barrel through my to-do list, uninterrupted. But before I start off into my Csziksentmihalyi "flow" time, I wanted to take a moment to be thankful for the quiet. My little introvert heart rarely gets this time to rest, focus, and refocus, and I intend to wring greatness out of every moment of today. It is the week of Thanksgiving, after all, and I'm trying to take time to be thankful in the midst of all circumstances.



Ahhhhhhhhhh. The quiet.

When words fail

I've begun and then dropped this blog post 3 or 4 times over the past couple of weeks. Each time I begin it anew, I take a look at what I've written, and delete. Call it writer's block, call it busy-ness, call it pickiness, but for some reason I just have not been able to put "pen to page," metaphorically speaking, for the past month or so.

Today, I woke up to the news that there was a shooting in Strozier Library at Florida State University, my graduate school alma mater. Three students were shot (one is in critical condition), and the gunman himself was killed in a shootout with police. We don't know why this happened. We can be thankful for the swift action of FSU and Tallahassee police, and the caring and open hearts and arms and offices of student affairs professionals across campus, who are helping students seek the help they may need today.

It is this senseless news that unlocks the flow of words within me... and yet, I can't really find the words to describe how I feel. Shocked, that the warm family I remember from FSU would be so attacked. Thankful, that so few students were injured, and that the situation was resolved quickly. Worried, for the students who will be affected by this, and for my colleagues and friends at FSU who will be caring for and counseling the students - and each other - through the aftermath. Grateful, and immediately guilty, that I am not there - how would I handle this news if I were still in Tallahassee? How would I help students? How would I handle my own worry, my own grief?

How am I handling it now?

Sometimes, words fail us. This is shocking to me, as an English and communication double major, but it's true. Sometimes, we must feel without being able to express; let the emotions course through us and just live in those feelings, without saying (or doing) anything other than feeling. That's what's been happening to me today. Words have failed; all I can do is feel. All I can do is sit, and be sad, and be not understanding of why things happen the way they do, and be thankful for the outpouring of support for Florida State, and be thankful for my colleagues and students and friends, and just... feel.

Hug someone today. Let someone know you care. Send a message of love and support to someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Let's take the time today to make this world a little more loving, a little brighter. Let's take the time to inhabit our emotions and not repress them through words (as it's sometimes easy to do), but to sit and stew and know what it is to be happy or sad or excited or angry or clueless or overwhelmed.

Take a moment to let the words slide away, and just feel.

Boil, boil, my pasta pot

Being a quarter Sicilian (where my paisans at?), food is an integral part of my life. I'm not just talking for basic survival purposes, which is, of course, accurate, but I really mean that food - good food - comes in near the top of my Maslow's hierarchy of needs, right up there with love, belonging, esteem, and self-actualization.

Image via Wikipedia - pasta fits right in the middle of that purple "self-actualization" section

Not only do I describe food as an interest in my life; I'd call it (and eating) more of a hobby. I'll let my ever-evolving waistline speak for itself when it comes to health, but again, food for me is much more than sustaining my body; it's a way to feel, to think, to live, and to connect with people.

I say all this because I had an epiphany last Thursday morning. I was up at 6:30 a.m., making my mom's spaghetti sauce. For those of you who have never had Harriet's spaghetti sauce, let me tell you, it is a TREAT. First of all, the recipe makes a TON, so it's good to share and to have beaucoup leftovers. The real beauty, though, what makes it so delicious, is that all of the ingredients simmer all day long in the crock pot, marrying their flavors for a delicious conclusion at dinnertime.

But that delicious saucy conclusion takes a lot of work, and a lot of dedication. First, there's the early wake-up call (and yeah, I could have made it later in the day, but then it wouldn't have been able to simmer as long! Remember, simmering is key). Then, there's all the prep work that goes into the sauce - browning the meat, chopping the onions and garlic, prepping all the spices, mixing it all together... it's quite a commitment to make this sauce.

There's the rub, though - the delicious outcome is a result of the commitment. Only through the sacrifice of getting up early, of investing precious time in the preparation of the meal, can the meal truly be enjoyed at the end of the day. Making my mom's spaghetti sauce is a labor of love, and the proof is in the pasta sauce.

My epiphany came from consideration of that labor of love. How much more would other pieces of my life benefit if I committed myself to them in the same way I commit to my mom's pasta sauce? Isn't every good thing, every thing that benefits others, worthy of some hard work and sacrifice? Sure, if I give of my utmost self and abilities each day, it's going to make me tired, it's going to feel like I'm "emptying my bucket" with no immediate prospect of filling it again. But eventually, all of the hard work will come to fruition.

Someday, I'll see the finished product of my labors, much like I get to come home to a delicious pot of pasta sauce after a long day's prep work and simmering. But in the same way that I have to trust that my early morning work on my cooking will result in my favorite conclusion - a delicious meal - I must trust in my daily life that my hard work will someday be of benefit to others (even if I don't see it now).

Where can this mantra of "trusting the process" (as cliche as that might seem) benefit you in your life? Where might you dedicate yourself better to your work, believing that in the end you'll benefit from that commitment? What can be your labor of love, your "pasta sauce," today?

These are the questions I ask myself this morning, as I contemplate my mother's pasta sauce (which is also making my stomach rumble). Pasta makes me think of home, of family, of togetherness, of blessings. I want to try to find the same joy in my work process today as I do in cooking, even if the outcome is not as delicious. I want my life to be a labor of love, committed to making the world a better place, one "pot of pasta" at a time.

This post is brought to you in part by Strega Nona

Slow Growth

Now is the winter of our discontent /  Made glorious summer by this son of York - Richard III, Act I, Scene i, Lines 1-2

The lines above may seem a little incongruous considering that summer is now over. Soon gone are the days of 9-5 office hours; kiss the lazy summer weekends by the poolside goodbye. Long-term project thinking must take a backseat to short-term proactivity and reactivity (read: firefighting). Bloomington has doubled in size once again; the roads are clogged with new students just trying to get to Target to buy that new futon. Soon, the hazy summer heat will melt into breezy days and cool nights of fall, soon to be replaced by steely gray winter days once again.

Summer, as I've written before, is one of my favorite times of year. And yet, this summer was rough.

Nothing major happened to me; no family trauma or personal tragedy befell (praise God); and yet, I was discontent this summer. I felt rushed through the days, stumbling headlong through programs and travel, and when I blinked, summer was basically over and it was time to prepare for fall and our Welcome Week programs. I turned 26, and once again found myself beset by the quarter-life crisis: What the hell am I doing with my life? I have a great job, great friends, success... why can't I be content? What am I missing? Should I be seeking something more? Anyone who has wrestled with these questions can tell you that there's no easy answer.

I still don't have an answer to these questions, months later, as we now kick into high gear for fall and another new school year. And yet, the discontent has melted away. I have made a commitment to be more present, to live IN the present, and I find myself feeling more at peace. Sure, I still ponder my next steps; sure, I'd say I'm still in the grips of yet another quarter-life crisis. But contentment is the secret word for Fall 2014, and my one "new year's resolution."

As I think about this shift in personal perspective, I think it's the result of slow growth. If you look at a plant every single day, you may think that nothing has changed. The leaves are no bigger, the stems are no taller. And yet, if you compare the plant to where it was a month ago, it has grown, even in the most subtle of ways. It has changed. It has adapted to its surroundings and found a way to push out new life, new leaves, new growth.

That's the way I feel right now. No growth spurts, no sudden bursts of insight or wisdom. But I am not the same woman I was 3 months ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, two years ago. I am the accumulation of my experiences, good and bad, and I have changed, thanks to that inevitable, creeping slow growth. I can be proud of that change, too. It's noticeable from the outside, even when I don't always acknowledge it from the inside. It's there. It's present. I am learning, growing, and becoming better, day by day. The icy nerves of my "winter of discontent" are melting away, to be replaced by rest and relaxation in the "glorious summer" of the knowledge that I am learning, and that I know more today than I knew yesterday (and, I'll know more tomorrow than I know today). I can be content, at peace.

Contentment is the name of the game, folks. I challenge you to find evidence of your slow growth this fall. Let the winter of your discontent melt away, and find a glorious summer in the knowledge that you are continually learning and changing. Find your peaceful moment in today.

Always On Time

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:4, NIV

Those of you who are regular readers of this blog know that I'm a big believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. Thanks in large part to my faith, but also to various life experiences I've had, I see purpose in my life. I see a grander design for me, doors opened (and closed), windows cracked (and slammed shut), and paths forged (and dead-ended, requiring a U-turn and a new plan).

Of course, in the midst of my optimistic mantra, there are some big issues that I encounter time and time again... 

First, "Things" don't always "happen." Sometimes, it seems like every day is unfolding the same way for me; that I'm in  my very own "winter of discontent" (or, sometimes literal winter - living in the Midwest was a CHALLENGE this year with the whole freezing cold thing). I've experienced this multiple ways in the past, my graduate job search being a prime example. I would apply for a job, get an interview, sometimes even get an on-campus... and then nothing. No offer, no encouragement. On to the next one; wash, rinse, repeat. I'm sure those of you who are job searching right now can empathize with this feeling. Sometimes, it can feel like this on the job too - day in and day out, the same activities are happening; the same students are in and out of my office; the same programs are being planned and executed. You know, "there is nothing new under the sun."

Second, if "things" are "happening," they don't always happen how or when I want them to. I can plan all I want for my life - for my one-year, five-year, and ten-year benchmarks of "where I'll be," but in my experience, whenever I do this, God likes to giggle and say, "Nope." (Apparently I'm not the only one who's ever experienced this - I think we've got some cultural mantras, i.e. "Man proposes, God disposes" and "The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley" to back me up.) I have these picture-perfect visions of my life in my head, and I will seize opportunities that will lead me to those visions, just to have the door shut and be told "It's not for you."

Whenever I'm in the middle of these issues, of course, I get frustrated. I feel becalmed, listless, inert, like nothing will change for me. I also feel annoyed, impatient, and sometimes even pained by my perceived stagnation or frustration of plans. I shake my fist at the sky and say, "Why wasn't MY plan good enough?!?" 

But the beauty and challenge of faith is the whole "believing without seeing" thing, not walking by sight but rather choosing to trust in God's plan and His perfect timing.

Because, at the end of the day, His timing IS perfect. That's the crazy amazing awesome thing about my life experiences - time and time again, I have seen that God's timing is PERFECT. My plan may or may not have been a good one, but God's plan was ultimately better for me.

I've been feeling this listlessness lately. Summer, while one of my favorite times of year because of the opportunities it affords to rest and reflect, can also be extraordinarily challenging because of the results of these reflections. What have I accomplished? I ask myself. What am I doing well? What can I be doing better? What is the next step here? What choices should I be making to lead me to the next step? When should I be stepping, and when should I be building what I've already got where I've already got it? In my head, I echo one of the funny-but-resonates-with-me quotes that one of my students keeps saying in regard to her graduate school search: "I wish I could just see a year into the future and know exactly where I'll be going, and what I'll be doing." It's funny, because that's impossible, of course. It's funny, because I COMPLETELY empathize with her frustration. And it's funny, because I keep reminding her to "trust the process," that everything will turn out exactly how it's supposed to. I know, because I've seen it, and I know because I believe it to be true. 

Whether or not you are a person of faith, believe in a higher power, or even consider yourself  spiritual, there's something to be said for "the Universe" making things work out in a funny and brilliant way. I received a timely devotional email in my inbox this morning, which is what inspired this post:

...When God wants to make a giant oak, he takes a hundred years, but when he wants to make a mushroom, he does it overnight... 

Be patient with the process. James advised, "Don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed" (James 1:4b MSG).

Don’t get discouraged. When Habakkuk became depressed because he didn't think God was acting quickly enough, God had this to say: "These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" (Habakkuk 2:3 LB)

A delay is not a denial from God!

Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be. Years ago people wore a popular button with the letters PBPGINFWMY. It stood for "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet." God isn't finished with you, either, so keep on moving forward. Even the snail reached the ark by persevering! - Rick Warren

Isn't that an encouraging reminder? I especially love the line, "A delay is not a denial from God." God may not be saying no; he may just be saying, "Not yet."

For those of you who are frustrated and impatient, feeling like the world isn't (or you aren't) moving at the right pace, know that I feel your pain. But my recommendation? Stop for a minute. Think back on your life, and the choices and plans that led you to where you are now. See the beauty in the seemingly chaotic and convoluted paths you've walked to get to where you are, and take a moment to trust that everything is going to be okay. It's hard, and you may have to make the conscious choice to trust in a "bigger plan" every moment of every day, but a year from now, five years, ten years, 30 years down the road, you're going to be able to see the pattern that emerges from God's perfect timing, and know that He was always on time.

Persevere, my friends. The day will come when you're exactly who you are supposed to be.

Somebody Needs the Light You Have

The end of the year is a challenging time for everyone. Whether it's my colleagues in education and we're on the cusp of summer, waiting for empty classrooms, towns, campuses, and residence halls; whether it's our business fellows, waiting for the end of the fiscal year so that their budgets (and companies) can turn over and turn around; whether it's the world waiting for December 31 to turn over to January 1, for the old to become new and for a clean slate, to start fresh... the time before the "new year" can seem interminable.

Especially in higher education, I know that my colleagues and I are on the "struggle bus," riding uphill both ways in the snow 'til the quiet, relaxation, and project-based time of summer (with the exception of my Admissions and Orientation fellows; Godspeed, my friends). Spring semester is especially a rough time - programming ramps up as the year moves toward its end; as the weather gets warmer, students get antsier to get out of Dodge, headed for internships, study abroad, and summer vacation; the weeks FLY by with seemingly no rest or respite for the weary, weary educator who just wants ONE quiet moment to BREATHE and REFLECT and for goodness' sake FINISH A TASK. (Can you tell I've been feeling the crazy this spring?)

Especially here in the Midwest, winter was HARD and seemingly never-ending (cue the Game of Thrones references), and then, even as the weather started warming up (it's a beautiful and balmy 66* here currently), so did work. Task piled upon task; program piled upon program. Conference after conference took place; email after email piled up in inboxes. Offices and desks got messier and more neglected; self-care flew out the window in favor of trying to accomplish something at work, to cross just one task off of the to-do list.

I don't say all of this to get sympathy or empathy from you. A few student affairs colleagues just had some great conversations about "The Glorification of Busy" (see the #SAchat transcript here, and some good processing blog posts from Amma Marfo here and from The SA Collective here), and the last thing I want to do is try heap up sympathy for me when, honestly, I brought a lot of the "busy" down on myself.

No, instead, what I want to talk about today is the important reminder that I got in the midst of the hard time.

I'll be real, I don't handle long-term periods of stress well. I've gotten better at it over time, but I still largely react to stress and busy-ness with unhealthy behaviors (more Netflix, less exercise; more eating out, less cooking for myself; more alone time, less time with friends). I start to let the "burnout" get to me - I emotionally and mentally withdraw from my daily life; I question my choices and my actions each day; I take critiques personally and react to situations with gut-driven emotion rather than brain-based logic. (For those of you who have stayed my friend during these times, THANK YOU. Your love of me despite my inability to handle stress means the world to me.:) )

This spring semester has felt harder than most. I am wrapping up Year Two of my job, and I question if I've accomplished or learned anything at all. My students ramped up their programming toward summer, and I questioned if I've really been supporting them and teaching them in the ways that they need. All I want is to hide away in my house, or run away from everything on a loooong vacation, to cover my eyes like a kid and say "If I can't see it, it's not real."

But the other day, I was driving to work, dreading the stress of the day, and a beautiful reminder came on the radio, that I wanted to share with all of you. The song is a Christian worship song, and yet contains an important reminder that I think all people can benefit from. Here is the first verse, and the chorus:

One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

What a beautiful reminder, huh? Even in the stress, the darkness of the world, even in times when you may feel like you don't matter, that you can't possibly contribute - I know I've felt that way, many a time - somebody needs the light you have.

So even when it feels like you can't take one more step; even when it feels like the "burnout" is so bad that you need to bathe in aloe vera to treat the heat... keep on pushing back the dark. Because somebody - and you may never know who, but somebody - needs your light. Somebody needs to see you "keep on keepin' on." You may never see the fruit of the seeds you plant each day, but isn't just the idea that you're planting a seed worthwhile? Isn't the picture of the darkness, with even one candle shining, the most hopeful thing you can imagine? Let your light keep shining, however you need to do that. Somebody needs your light. Keep on pushing back the dark.

(song: "Pushing Back the Dark" by Josh Wilson)

Obsession (not a Calvin Klein fragrance)

I find it so funny that my brain likes to go through periods of deep fascination - dare I call it, obsession? - with different people, places, things, and ideas. There's got to be some epistemological approach to looking at why people become fascinated or fixated on different things... what is it about songs, tv shows, movies, travel plans, recipes, whatever, that captivates us so? What is our brain trying to tell us when we become obsessed with certain things over others?

Regardless of the deeper meaning, I though it'd be fun to blog about the things I'm currently obsessed with and obsessing over:

1. Ellie Goulding - If you haven't listened to her music (and I bet you have; "Lights," "Anything Could Happen," and "Burn" have gotten BIG radio play in the past year or two), I highly recommend it. She is a wildly talented female DJ, musician, and singer. She's got an unusual soprano voice, but it's absolutely captivating. Her newer album, Halcyon, is currently on repeat on Spotify for me.

2. "The Wire" - No thanks to my older brother, I have been binge-watching HBO's hit show "The Wire" until all I think about is The Game, my main man Omar, and the city of Body-More (Murdaland central). Have no idea what I'm talking about? It's okay. I wasn't sold until about halfway through Season 1 of the show, but thanks to the urging of my brother, Alan Seppinwall's genius show recaps (spoilers abound; don't read unless you're watching the show!), and the brilliant writing of showrunner David Simon, I am currently halfway through Season 4 and horribly depressed that the show ended in five seasons. I'm nearing the end, but the show still has me hooked every moment. If you have HBO on-demand, or can borrow a friend or loved one's login to HBOGo, do it. You will not regret the watch (only 5 seasons, and only 12 episodes per season), and you will be in love with Baltimore by the end. 

3. Conference & Job Search Season - Okay, this is a weird one, I'll admit. But it's that time of year in higher education - professional conferences abound, and many people are out on the job search. I myself will be attending 1 professional conference this spring, but I love reading and writing posts about how to make the most out of your conference experience. Then, there's job searching, something I have written about ad nauseam on this blog. I myself am not currently job searching, but I AM taking time to keep my resume updated, to keep myself updated on the latest job trends and availabilities, and to support my friends and colleagues who are searching. I'll be part of mock interviews for IU's Higher Ed program tomorrow; I can't wait to visit with up-and-coming professionals about their resumes, cover letters, and interview tips! Call me a nerd; I embrace it fully. I love this season!

What are you currently obsessing over? What has captivated your mind on this fine day?

My #OneWord2014

I've posted previously about the #oneword phenomenon: you choose One Word by which you will live your year. In 2012, my #oneword was "Believe" (see the year in review here) and in 2013, my #oneword was "Center" (see the year in review here).

As you may be able to tell from my post, my 2013 OneWord was not quite as successful as I'd hoped, in that I didn't end the year a more centered, calm, rational, confident human being. In fact, quite the opposite--I ended 2013 more unsure of myself than perhaps I've ever been before. But, ultimately, I decided that that is okay. Don't they (although I don't know who "they" are) always say that your twenties are a time for questioning, for failing and falling and picking yourself back up again, for making mistakes and learning from them? I've never really allowed myself to do that before; in fact, at the end of 2013 I realized that I really am rather hard on myself. I expect confidence, I expect perfection, I expect my life to be together at all times. And that is SIMPLY not how life WORKS, ya know? Life is messy, and hard, and just when you think you're on the up-and-up you trip and stumble and fall. But life can also be beautiful and gorgeous and silly and fun and just when you think you're stuck in a hole, a loved one jumps in the hole with you and shows you the way out (yes, that's a "West Wing" reference. You're welcome).

So for 2014, I've decided to be okay with the crazy roller coaster that we call life. I've decided to do my best to improve myself and my circumstances, to love others around me, and to be okay when things get messy. In order to support myself with this new mantra, I've picked a OneWord for 2014. Are you ready?

My #OneWord2014 is: simplicity.

How beautiful, right? Just the word "simplicity" itself rolls off your tongue, and makes you feel like life is going to be okay.
To help direct my reflections and my action plan, I turned toward the ever-brilliant dictionary.com for my definitions.
1. the state, quality, or an instance of being simple (i.e. easy to understand, not elaborate or artificial, unadorned, natural, unembellished)
2. freedom from complexity, pretentiousness, etc.
3. freedom from deceit or guile; sincerity

THOSE are the things I want in 2014. Understanding, authenticity, sincerity, freedom from complexity. I want to clear my life of the clutter, and of all the extras that I don't need, and to get back to the basics of what is TRULY important.

I acknowledge that life is hard, and that life can be complicated. BUT, and here's the thing, I ALSO know that I can choose my response to life's hardness. I can choose my reaction. I can choose how I live my days; I can practice sincerity and understanding and freedom from complexity in order to try to bring a little understanding back into my own life. I won't and can't know everything, I won't and can't understand everything. But if life were a little more simple, a little more direct, a little more natural, mightn't we be happier, more joyful? Isn't it worth a try?

So here are some of the ways I'm going to practice simplicity in 2014.

• Overall living: be okay with falling & failure. worry less. pray more. be kinder to myself. celebrate small victories and joys. 
• Health: try to find good habits that fit my life. pre-cook meals so that lunches during the week are easier and less stressful (and I'll be less inclined to eat unhealthfully). drink more water.
• Home: pare down unneeded possessions. donate to those more needy than I. begin good cleaning habits to keep my home in better repair. 
• Work: utilize my Outlook calendar to plan out task completion. plan for interruptions so they're less off-putting. ask for help more. be more honest and direct with my co-workers and students. 
• Finances: simplify, simplify, simplify, especially in regard to impulse buys. save more.
• Family & Friends: write more. call more. love more.
• Work/Life Balance: create good habits of me-time, friend-time, and God-time. journal and blog more (to reflect more). set aside time to look ahead so I feel more prepared for each week.

As you can see, some of the key things that this year will include are clearing the noise and clutter, building good habits, being sincere and honest, and being okay when things don't go perfectly. I think that last one will really be the key to living, loving, and learning in 2014: life will NOT be perfect OR perfectly simple. But the more I can do to learn when things go wrong, the better. And the more I can be honest with myself and with others about who I am and what I'm learning, the better.

I think practicing simplicity in 2014 will, more than anything, come down to learning how to live in the moment. Life will get complicated, it always does. But there is and always will be some small joy to celebrate in each moment of each day. I can't spend too much of my time looking back, missing or regretting the past, nor looking forward, worrying or trying to conquer the future. The most I can do is just LIVE. 

Looking Back at 2013

I guess I've got Einstein and his Theory of Relativity (no, by following that link I do NOT expect you to understand what the heck that Wikipedia article is talking about, but it's worth a shot) to thank for the fact that 2013 sped by faster than any other year I've lived yet. And it was QUITE a year. Some amazing things happened, some... not so amazing things happened. So it's time for my now-annual year-in-review post (see here for 2012's review).

I don't know what I was expecting with 2013. Again, there were some BIG milestones to celebrate:

• My big brother got married, and I got to welcome a WONDERFUL new sister-in-law (and her family) into ours!
• I turned 25, quarter-life crisis included, and got to visit the Pacific Northwest (Portland, to be specific) and some of my BEST friends for my birthday.
• I survived my first year in my first full-time job. Miracle, in and of itself.
• I actually played a sport. Not well, but the point is I played.
• I joined a sorority as an alumna initiate, and I LOVE my new sisterhood.

All that aside, 2013 was... I don't know how to say this, other than 2013 was HARD. And I know I'm not alone in this. I've talked to a lot of other people--family, friends, coworkers--and a lot of them seem to agree with me that there was just something CHALLENGING about this year. I can't quantify exactly what was so hard; if I start going into all the individual problems I've had, this will turn into a #firstworldproblems post and that is the LAST thing I want.

Let me just sum up this year by saying that I was hoping... I expected... to finish out this year more confident, more self-actualized, more sure of who I am and of why I'm where I am and of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just knew that finishing out my first year of work would make me a more competent and confident professional; that turning 25 would clue me in to ALL of life's mysteries and secrets. 

Hell, I even chose "center" as my #oneword2013 (I never ended up blogging about it, if that gives you any indication of what a cluster this year ended up being, but you can see references to my #oneword2012 here, here, and here). I was going to use this year to center myself on and deepen my relationship with God (as you can see previously, my faith is VERY important to me); I was going to pray more, read my Bible more, just TALK with God more. But honestly--and after a recent conversation with my excellent and loving parents, I believe in being open and vulnerable about this--I am in a worse place, a bigger crisis of faith, right now than I have been in a LONG time. At least throughout my (seemingly) interminable job search last year, I felt confident and sure that God was going to come through; that I would end up in EXACTLY the right place with EXACTLY the right job, for EXACTLY the right reasons. God and I talked all the time; even when the answer I heard was "no" or "wait," I was still sure that He was answering.

But now? I'm, honestly, not sure. I've heard "wait" so much and so often that I'm not even sure WHAT I'm supposed to be waiting for. I like my job, I like my town, I love my new friends and acquaintances that I've met. But why am I here? What am I getting out of this experience? Most importantly, what in all green goodness am I actually contributing to my environment? Am I making my workplace better? Am I making my students' lives better? Am I bringing more happiness and joy and love to the lives of my friends and family?

I'm in the metaphorical wilderness right now. (Listen to this song by the O.C. Supertones to get a feel for EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.)

I am, in fact, LESS confident than I was this time last year. I'm LESS sure, LESS certain of almost everything (except about those who love and support me--I am trusting in you guys more than ever!). 

But, here's the tl;dr of this post: I'm using this last day of 2013 to decide that it's okay that I'm insecure. I am deciding that, even if I'm sure that everything happens for a reason, I don't know those reasons and I'm kind of mad about it. And I'm deciding that it's okay that I'm mad about not knowing those reasons. I'm deciding that I'm going to own my vulnerability even more than I usually do. You see, I'm a big fan of Brene' Brown's work "Daring Greatly" (something my friend Michael has been blogging about too; you can read his stuff here!), and up until this year, I would have told you that I am one of the most vulnerable people I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve; one of the Strengths that has shown up all 4 times I've taken StrengthsQuest has been Empathy, for heaven's sake. I've prided myself about my ability to feel what others are feeling, and to be open and honest about those emotions.

But what I've learned this year is that I'm NOT really open about those things. I'm not honest about when I feel like I've made a mistake, or messed something up, or when I feel stupid or wrong or bad. I try to hide behind this shell of togetherness; I like to pretend that I know what I'm talking about and that I've got my life together and that I can take care of EVERYONE ELSE without taking care of myself.

But, 2013 has CERTAINLY pulled that rug out from under me. And I'm deciding today, December 31, 2013, that I'm going to be okay.

I don't have my life together... and that's okay.

I don't know everything about everything... and that's okay.

I'm not sure what 2014 will bring to me... and that's okay.

2013 was a mess, I was (am) a mess. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. The sun will rise, the world will turn, I'll learn something new every day. 2014 is a year full of hope, a blank slate, a chance to start fresh with a new attitude. It's a chance to be okay with myself when I'm not perfect, to learn anything and everything I can from every moment, and to try to grow and live and be. 

So happy new year, everyone. May 2014 bring more blessings, more truth, more love, more hope, more faith into your lives (and mine) than we ever could want or need.