The Only Constant

Summer makes me reflective, probably because of the summer birthday thing (11 days), and probably because a predominance of my life has revolved around the academic year (24 of 27 birthdays celebrated going into a school year, so far).

Summer always feels like this weird transition period - a reset, a pause, but also a time during which major changes are happening, usually under the surface, but there.

When I think about summers past, I think of travel. Best friends. Family. Break-ups and getting together. Flirtations and heartbreaks. Working harder than I've ever worked before, and resting and relaxing. Beaches, rivers, deserts, and mountains. Reflection on the past, and plans for the future.

I have a lot more figured out at almost-28 than I did last year, or any year before that; and yet, it often feels like I have less figured out than I ever have before. The way I make plans has inherently changed - I think of the future more like pinpoints on a globe, rather than a road on a map. My travel may not be straightforward, but it will be moving forward.

The mistakes I will make are inevitable, but so is the learning that will happen. The friendships that come and go, the relationships that grow and then dissipate will break me up, but they will also make me stronger. The knowledge I have and confidence I am building may be shaken, but each tremor only strengthens the woman that I am and am becoming. The love in my life will only exponentially grow.

I'm thankful for the almost-28 years I've lived. I'm thankful for the change, the difficulty, the world-shaking and heart-breaking experiences. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but I know they are integral pages in my story.

A good story mirrors life, and as I've learned, the only constant in life is change.

Change may hurt. It may break us before it makes us. But change = growth. Stasis = death.

In my 28th year of life, I want to embrace change, even when it hurts. I want to grow through the pain, learn through the hard times. I want to come out on the other side a better human. I want my story to be one of a woman who, through all the change, constantly loved.

Shiner Prickly Pear

For those of you from Texas or with loved ones from Texas, you have probably (at some point) tasted (and enjoyed) a Shiner beer. Brewed in the tiny town of Shiner, TX, Shiner beers are not only delicious; they represent Texan culture in a fantastic way - not only through the brewery's history, but also through the beers that they brew.

Two of my favorite Shiner draughts are Shiner Cheer, which is a holiday beer that has flavors of pecan and peach (two uniquely Texan flavors to add to a holiday brew), and Shiner Ruby Redbird, which features delicious Texas ruby red grapefruit.

My love for Shiner beer is clear by this point, I imagine. So imagine my intrigue when I walk into my local Harris Teeter grocery store (being a North Carolinian, I feel it is my obligation to support local grocery stores, just as I patronized Publix in Florida - shout out to PubSubs!!!), and I see Shiner Prickly Pear beer.

"Huh," I thought. "That's a new flavor. It sounds good, and I've enjoyed cactus-influenced beers before" - here, a shoutout to my favorite beer in the world, Breckenridge Brewery's Agave Wheat - "...but I don't know, that sounds kind of weird. Should I buy it? I'd be stuck with a whole six-pack..."

My deliberations proved too much for me, and (ultimately shopping on a budget) I decided to pass the Prickly Pear by, waiting for a later date to sample this brew.

Now, I regret that decision.

I just moved to a new city and state, as referenced in my last blog post. I am on my second job out of graduate school, and I'm a young woman in my twenties. Now is the time when I need to be putting myself out there - trying new things, meeting new people, exploring new places, and more. I can't let fear of the unknown hold me back.

If I let fear hold me back, I never would have gone out for a co-chair position in my undergrad's extended orientation program, and thus discovered my future career path (and had what is, to this day, the best summer of my life).

If I let fear hold me back, I would never have gone to graduate school at The Florida State University, and met some of the best people (and learned some of the most important things) in my life.

If I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have accepted a fantastic position in Indiana, and moved halfway across the country, away from all my friends and family, only to find a new home in the Midwest and deep, meaningful experiences in my first professional job.

And if I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have branched out and gone for this new job, one that matters deeply to me and one that I suspect is going to teach me even more than I could possibly imagine, in addition to bringing me back close to my family and in a state that I love (only second to Texas).

I wouldn't have already made some new friends - shoutout to my colleagues in the Union, Orientation, Greek Life, and more. I wouldn't have tried yoga in a brewery (stereotypical young professional, anyone?). I wouldn't have discovered the beautiful greenway behind my apartment complex.

Now is not the time for fear. Now is the time to grow.

So you can bet your butt, the next time I grow to the grocery store, I'm going to buy myself some Shiner Prickly Pear. It may not be for me, but it's worth a try.

'Most everything is.

Puzzling

For anyone who's seen any of the modern classic TV show New Girl, you probably know who Winston is - sometimes the voice of reason, sometimes an absurd and delightful part of our favorite roommate foursome. For those of you who don't know Winston, there are a few facts that are critical to understanding who Winston is as a human, and one of those is that Winston loves puzzles.

Or, as Winston calls it, "Puzzling."

Unfortunately, Winston is also very, very bad at puzzles. Like, really, really, really bad. (Click that link. It's important.)

I've been reflecting a lot recently, on life and its changes. For those of you who don't know, I just started a brand new job, at a new institution, in a new state. And while I am incredibly excited about this change (seriously. so pumped.), I also can't really believe it's happening.

I didn't know this time three years ago when I was job searching where I would be just one month later (accepting a job at Indiana University), let alone that three years later I would be moving to North Carolina to start a completely different position at a new institution. I didn't know all the wonderful friends and colleagues I would be meeting shortly in the Midwest and the amazing connections I would make that would lead me to new personal and professional families (Gamma Phi Beta and ACUI, respectively). I didn't know I would adapt to 6-month, sub-zero-degree winters, or that I would fall in love with the incredible melancholic beauty of fall and the dazzling, inspirational springtime. I didn't know that I would be challenged beyond what I thought possible, that I would learn more than I thought possible, nor that I would grow beyond what I thought possible.

But I was, I did, and I definitely, definitely did. Life's funny that way, isn't it? It makes me think of my friend Winston and his love for puzzles. To me, life is a puzzle. Sure, you may have a picture of the "end result" that you'd like to see ("IT'S A JAPANESE GARDEN!"), but that doesn't necessarily make puzzling any easier. And hell, what happens when, like me and (I imagine) so many of you, AND like our friend Winston,  we DON'T know how the puzzle is supposed to turn out?

All we have to go on is a general shape - a rectangle. A life.

We've got guiding, "border" pieces - those checkpoints along the way. A job, friends, family, hobbies.

But all those middle pieces? Everything in between? Pure guesswork.

Will we find love? I don't know. Will we like our jobs, or even tolerate them? I don't know. Will we get those promotions, those raises, those corner offices we dream of? I don't know. Will we stay with this same company for years, or hop around like the true Millennials we are? I don't know. I truly, truly don't know what's next.

All I can do, like my buddy Winston, is take this crazy life puzzle one piece at a time. I can sift through my core values, through what I hope to achieve, and I can make leaps of faith. Sometimes they'll pan out, sometimes they won't. What matters is in the trying.

And that feeling, when you find two pieces that fit together? When you start to see just a glimpse of the bigger picture?

Well, isn't that why we're out here puzzling in the first place?

Slow Growth

Now is the winter of our discontent /  Made glorious summer by this son of York - Richard III, Act I, Scene i, Lines 1-2

The lines above may seem a little incongruous considering that summer is now over. Soon gone are the days of 9-5 office hours; kiss the lazy summer weekends by the poolside goodbye. Long-term project thinking must take a backseat to short-term proactivity and reactivity (read: firefighting). Bloomington has doubled in size once again; the roads are clogged with new students just trying to get to Target to buy that new futon. Soon, the hazy summer heat will melt into breezy days and cool nights of fall, soon to be replaced by steely gray winter days once again.

Summer, as I've written before, is one of my favorite times of year. And yet, this summer was rough.

Nothing major happened to me; no family trauma or personal tragedy befell (praise God); and yet, I was discontent this summer. I felt rushed through the days, stumbling headlong through programs and travel, and when I blinked, summer was basically over and it was time to prepare for fall and our Welcome Week programs. I turned 26, and once again found myself beset by the quarter-life crisis: What the hell am I doing with my life? I have a great job, great friends, success... why can't I be content? What am I missing? Should I be seeking something more? Anyone who has wrestled with these questions can tell you that there's no easy answer.

I still don't have an answer to these questions, months later, as we now kick into high gear for fall and another new school year. And yet, the discontent has melted away. I have made a commitment to be more present, to live IN the present, and I find myself feeling more at peace. Sure, I still ponder my next steps; sure, I'd say I'm still in the grips of yet another quarter-life crisis. But contentment is the secret word for Fall 2014, and my one "new year's resolution."

As I think about this shift in personal perspective, I think it's the result of slow growth. If you look at a plant every single day, you may think that nothing has changed. The leaves are no bigger, the stems are no taller. And yet, if you compare the plant to where it was a month ago, it has grown, even in the most subtle of ways. It has changed. It has adapted to its surroundings and found a way to push out new life, new leaves, new growth.

That's the way I feel right now. No growth spurts, no sudden bursts of insight or wisdom. But I am not the same woman I was 3 months ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, two years ago. I am the accumulation of my experiences, good and bad, and I have changed, thanks to that inevitable, creeping slow growth. I can be proud of that change, too. It's noticeable from the outside, even when I don't always acknowledge it from the inside. It's there. It's present. I am learning, growing, and becoming better, day by day. The icy nerves of my "winter of discontent" are melting away, to be replaced by rest and relaxation in the "glorious summer" of the knowledge that I am learning, and that I know more today than I knew yesterday (and, I'll know more tomorrow than I know today). I can be content, at peace.

Contentment is the name of the game, folks. I challenge you to find evidence of your slow growth this fall. Let the winter of your discontent melt away, and find a glorious summer in the knowledge that you are continually learning and changing. Find your peaceful moment in today.

Always On Time

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:4, NIV

Those of you who are regular readers of this blog know that I'm a big believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. Thanks in large part to my faith, but also to various life experiences I've had, I see purpose in my life. I see a grander design for me, doors opened (and closed), windows cracked (and slammed shut), and paths forged (and dead-ended, requiring a U-turn and a new plan).

Of course, in the midst of my optimistic mantra, there are some big issues that I encounter time and time again... 

First, "Things" don't always "happen." Sometimes, it seems like every day is unfolding the same way for me; that I'm in  my very own "winter of discontent" (or, sometimes literal winter - living in the Midwest was a CHALLENGE this year with the whole freezing cold thing). I've experienced this multiple ways in the past, my graduate job search being a prime example. I would apply for a job, get an interview, sometimes even get an on-campus... and then nothing. No offer, no encouragement. On to the next one; wash, rinse, repeat. I'm sure those of you who are job searching right now can empathize with this feeling. Sometimes, it can feel like this on the job too - day in and day out, the same activities are happening; the same students are in and out of my office; the same programs are being planned and executed. You know, "there is nothing new under the sun."

Second, if "things" are "happening," they don't always happen how or when I want them to. I can plan all I want for my life - for my one-year, five-year, and ten-year benchmarks of "where I'll be," but in my experience, whenever I do this, God likes to giggle and say, "Nope." (Apparently I'm not the only one who's ever experienced this - I think we've got some cultural mantras, i.e. "Man proposes, God disposes" and "The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley" to back me up.) I have these picture-perfect visions of my life in my head, and I will seize opportunities that will lead me to those visions, just to have the door shut and be told "It's not for you."

Whenever I'm in the middle of these issues, of course, I get frustrated. I feel becalmed, listless, inert, like nothing will change for me. I also feel annoyed, impatient, and sometimes even pained by my perceived stagnation or frustration of plans. I shake my fist at the sky and say, "Why wasn't MY plan good enough?!?" 

But the beauty and challenge of faith is the whole "believing without seeing" thing, not walking by sight but rather choosing to trust in God's plan and His perfect timing.

Because, at the end of the day, His timing IS perfect. That's the crazy amazing awesome thing about my life experiences - time and time again, I have seen that God's timing is PERFECT. My plan may or may not have been a good one, but God's plan was ultimately better for me.

I've been feeling this listlessness lately. Summer, while one of my favorite times of year because of the opportunities it affords to rest and reflect, can also be extraordinarily challenging because of the results of these reflections. What have I accomplished? I ask myself. What am I doing well? What can I be doing better? What is the next step here? What choices should I be making to lead me to the next step? When should I be stepping, and when should I be building what I've already got where I've already got it? In my head, I echo one of the funny-but-resonates-with-me quotes that one of my students keeps saying in regard to her graduate school search: "I wish I could just see a year into the future and know exactly where I'll be going, and what I'll be doing." It's funny, because that's impossible, of course. It's funny, because I COMPLETELY empathize with her frustration. And it's funny, because I keep reminding her to "trust the process," that everything will turn out exactly how it's supposed to. I know, because I've seen it, and I know because I believe it to be true. 

Whether or not you are a person of faith, believe in a higher power, or even consider yourself  spiritual, there's something to be said for "the Universe" making things work out in a funny and brilliant way. I received a timely devotional email in my inbox this morning, which is what inspired this post:

...When God wants to make a giant oak, he takes a hundred years, but when he wants to make a mushroom, he does it overnight... 

Be patient with the process. James advised, "Don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed" (James 1:4b MSG).

Don’t get discouraged. When Habakkuk became depressed because he didn't think God was acting quickly enough, God had this to say: "These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" (Habakkuk 2:3 LB)

A delay is not a denial from God!

Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be. Years ago people wore a popular button with the letters PBPGINFWMY. It stood for "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet." God isn't finished with you, either, so keep on moving forward. Even the snail reached the ark by persevering! - Rick Warren

Isn't that an encouraging reminder? I especially love the line, "A delay is not a denial from God." God may not be saying no; he may just be saying, "Not yet."

For those of you who are frustrated and impatient, feeling like the world isn't (or you aren't) moving at the right pace, know that I feel your pain. But my recommendation? Stop for a minute. Think back on your life, and the choices and plans that led you to where you are now. See the beauty in the seemingly chaotic and convoluted paths you've walked to get to where you are, and take a moment to trust that everything is going to be okay. It's hard, and you may have to make the conscious choice to trust in a "bigger plan" every moment of every day, but a year from now, five years, ten years, 30 years down the road, you're going to be able to see the pattern that emerges from God's perfect timing, and know that He was always on time.

Persevere, my friends. The day will come when you're exactly who you are supposed to be.

LeaderShape, Day Six (and beyond): Staying in Action

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four, Day Five

Waking up on Day Six of LeaderShape was absolutely surreal. As anyone who has participated in or facilitated a LeaderShape experience can tell you, it is at once the LONGEST and the SHORTEST week of your life. On the one hand, you wake up on Day Three and think to yourself, "We still have THREE MORE DAYS of this?!?" On the other hand, you blink, and all of a sudden, it's Day Six. The participants are packing their bags, we're cleaning our family cluster meeting rooms, we're wrapping up the thinking and learning and growing that's been taking place... and you can't believe a whole week has flown by.

The end of a LeaderShape experience is a special time. It consists of several pieces - first there's a wonderful commencement ceremony. As we all know from graduation speeches long-past, "commencement means beginning." As this is a meaningful concept to ponder for graduations from school, so it is for LeaderShape. The end of the retreat is only the beginning of a time back out in the world. We have spent the past six days with the participants, challenging them, having deep conversations with them, laughing with them, crying with them. We have looked inward to look outward. We have dreamed the biggest visions of all, and then simulated the often-heartbreaking and always-exhausting return to real life with all its challenges and oppression. But then, on Day Six, it's time to look forward... what will Day Seven (and beyond) look like for the participants? How will they stay in action?

This leads to the second big piece of Day Six - the concept of Day Seven. Every day after LeaderShape is considered "Day Seven" - if you let your life be a continuation of the growth you've experienced on the retreat, then every day onward can be a part of your special LeaderShape experience. I love this concept of continuity; I love the idea that each day can (and probably) should serve as a reminder of the growth that occurred on LeaderShape.

Of course, this idea is not without its challenges. I've been taking part in extended retreats for a LONG time - first with the Emmaus and Chrysalis Christian retreats in middle and high school, then with Fish Camp at Texas A&M, and now with LeaderShape - and I can tell you that the hardest part of being a part of a "mountain-top" experience like that is coming back down into the "valley."  Retreats are an amazing time to get away from the world and be reminded of the important things... but what happens when you come back? Can the concepts you've learned, the realizations you've had, the ideas you've birthed, stay alive in the toughness of everyday life? Can the relationships you've formed stand the stress and tests of the nine-to-five grind? Can the "process of life-long leadership," as LeaderShape describes it, continue?

I think the answer is "Yes, but it won't be easy." 

LeaderShape begins Day Six with a quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes: "A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension." On the LeaderShape experience, the mind, the heart, and the soul have been stretched. Sometimes the process hurts, sometimes it feels like your mind should have been stretched all along; regardless, the experience changes you in a fundamental way. Then, returning to the "real world"... things are different. YOU are different. You see the world in a different way, hopefully never to return to your "original dimension," because the new way is infinitely better than the old.

But again, these changes are not without challenges. Friends and family may not see eye-to-eye with your new perspective. You may be ready and energized for radical change; the world may say, "Whoa, whoa. Who do you think you are with these new ideas? Slow your roll, buddy. Things are the way they are for a reason." Coming back down into the "valley" of everyday life can be exhausting, disheartening, and can knock you over 'til it feels like you can't get back up.

So how do you deal with this process? How do you retain the energy and inertia you gained in your experience? How do you stay in action?

To be honest... I'm still figuring out the answers to those questions. As you can tell from my past reflections on this experience, LeaderShape changed even ME, a facilitator, in a fundamental way. I questioned my ways of thinking and my values right along with the participants; I built new relationships and new visions for how I wanted the world to be. I was in it right along with everyone else, and it was a beautiful thing. And now, I am practicing what LeaderShape calls "resilience," because I am right down in the valley with the participants. The mountain-top seems far away and forever ago, and now I'm living in the nine-to-five grind again... but I am different. I am practicing getting back up after falling down (or being pushed down), because I've started to realize that my life, my values, can and should mean SO much more to me and be SO much more of a part of my life than they are. 

It's not easy. But it is my privilege and my responsibility to carry forward the lessons I learned and the joy I gained from LeaderShape, and to try to change the world - my world - a little bit at a time, every day. 

~

It's now over a month since LeaderShape ended. It's a rainy day in April; the school semester ends in 12 days. My engine has been running on all cylinders for the past month since I got back; my mind is mush and my energy is low. But in the grey murk of this Monday, there's a little spark for me, as I think back on LeaderShape. As I consider the amazing things I witnessed, the amazing students and facilitators I met, the spark glows brighter. As I remember my promises to myself to stay true to me and to my values, the spark turns into a little flame. And I smile, because I know that, as long as that flame is there - hell, as long as that spark doesn't go out - I am going to make it. Today will flow into other days; the world will keep turning; I will try my hardest to be a spark for others. I will keep my flame lit, to try to light the way in the gray.

LeaderShape, Day Five: Living and Leading With Integrity

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four

As the LeaderShape week winds to a close, the concepts that the facilitators work on with participants get more complicated. LeaderShape works on the principle of self -> group -> community development, and you can really see that trajectory through the themes of the days... the participants start by looking inward to discover who they are; they continue growth in groups as they learn to work together as a team; they end the week by looking inward AND outward simultaneously in order to better serve (and improve) the world around them. Day Five's theme - Living and Leading with Integrity - begins to ask participants to tie everything together. LeaderShape's mission includes the plan that "all lead with integrity," and on Day Five, participants and facilitators explore what that means.

Per the dictionary, integrity means "adherence to moral principles; soundness of character; honesty." To LeaderShape, integrity means values congruence - is what I believe in reflected in how I act? Or, am I "walking my talk"? Who do I want to be, and how do I "show up" to the world around me?

What a heavy, yet critically important concept to explore with college student participants. It's so hard to name your values, your TRUE values, at any age, but especially as a college student. Then, the challenge goes even further - are you acting out those values? Does your life reflect the things you believe in?

I've had many an occasion throughout my life so far when I've dealt with values congruence. Some of those situations have come out with a "win," and some of them, I'm sad to say, led to me making the choice that was best at the time rather than one that fit my values.

As a "win," one only needs to look to three short years ago, when I was finishing my first year as a graduate student in Florida State's Higher Education & Student Affairs program. My graduate assistantship was with the FSU Alumni Association, advising the Student Alumni Association group. As much as I was thankful for my job, and as much as I learned about alumni affairs and development, the values of the office - namely, a focus on relationships and development post-graduation (as opposed to during students' time in college) - did not mesh with my personal and professional values. As hard as it was, I decided (along with my supervisor, who was incredibly supportive) to look for other graduate assistantships that would better fit what I needed out of my time in graduate school. Thankfully, I ended up with an offer from the Student Activities Center, an office MUCH better suited to both my interests and to my values. This experience has proved incredibly important in my professional development - in order to be successful, I needed to know my values, and then I needed to realize when I was not "walking my talk"... and THEN I needed to be brave enough to take steps to live in more values congruence.

Of course, I don't always lead with integrity; I can be vulnerable enough to say so. Right now, for instance, in the first few years of my professional career, I am struggling with my value of self-care and with making that congruent with my lifestyle. You see, working as a new professional in higher education, the temptation (and expectation) exists to work hard and often, and to branch out into as many different pieces of the profession as you can. The culture of student affairs for grads and new professionals is often to make work your life, as opposed to just having it be a part of your life. (I have blogged about this expectation here.) And so, as much as I am aware of and AGAINST the idea of over-commitment... I am honestly over-committed right now. I work too much; I am bad at separating work from my personal life; I am not good at saying "no." And while I love the opportunities that are on my plate right now, I am exhausted, which is making me less effective at carrying out the duties that are expected of me. I am walking the path to burnout, something that many new professionals in higher education experience (leading to a 50% "dropout" rate within five years). I have identified my values, I have identified that I am not living in congruence... but this time, taking the steps to live with integrity is more challenging than I could have imagined. I keep saying I'll address it, but then... I don't. How, though, does this show up to my students and colleagues? What does it mean for me to tell my students to go home and not spend the night in the office, when I'm working 60-hour weeks? What does it mean for me to tell my friends that I miss them, but then have to cancel on plans because I'm "too busy"? I am not showing up as the person I want to be, and that's a problem I need to face, head-on. It won't be easy, nor will it be much fun, but for my own integrity - and sanity - it's something that I need to step up and address, before it's too late.

I'm sure you can think of areas in your own life where you've lived and lead with integrity, and where you may have fallen short. I think it's time that we celebrate where we are showing up as the person we want to be, and that, when we fall down and make mistakes, we say "How fascinating!" and try again. Learning to live with integrity, to "walk my talk," is a challenge that won't be easy, but it is one that is vital to make me be the person (and leader) that I want to be. It is a challenge that will test my mettle, that may break me down more than once, but one that is worth it, and one that I want to undertake - and meet - each day for the rest of my life.

Day Five of LeaderShape served as a wake-up call for me to live with more integrity. Where are places in your life where you can better practice "walking your talk"? Where is it time for you to step up, say "This isn't me," and take steps to show up as the person who you want to be?

LeaderShape, Day Four: Bringing Vision to Reality

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three

Halfway through the week of LeaderShape, it's easy to feel exhausted. Not only are the days long - breakfast begins at 7:45 a.m. and the last piece of the day usually ends between 10 and 11 p.m., with faculty meetings after - but the experience is emotionally exhausting (in the best way possible). Participants are delving deeply into who they are, how they operate, and what drives them. LeaderShape is most definitely what many people call a "mountaintop experience" - the week feels like a bubble in which all participants grow and are encouraged, and then going back to the real world after can feel like a drag and a half.

That's why Day Four, "Bringing Vision to Reality," exists. On this day, not only do participants set some tangible goals and action plans to literally bring their LeaderShape vision to life, but they also get a few "reality-checks" throughout the day (the most meaningful of these is the activity Star Power, which happens at the end of the day... I won't go into detail about this activity, but if you've been through it, you know how wrenching and gut-checking it can be). You see, life is not as flowery and passionate and happy-go-lucky as LeaderShape can make it seem at times, and it's important that participants get a real and visceral reminder that their job is to be leaders in a world that is often unjust, harsh, and is imperfect. 

Totally a downer, right? Well, not entirely. Part of this message about reality is couched in a wonderful video called Radiating Possibility, which is about the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, Ben Zander. Zander is also a motivational speaker, and his messages about the world are both positive and powerful. (Here's a TED Talk from Zander if you want to get a picture of both the man and the message!)

Zander makes five points in his video, but the one I most remember and want to enact in my life is point #2: your life will be infinitely better if you see mistakes as "fascinating."

Isn't that a wonderful adage?

The world is NOT perfect, nor are we as human beings (and ESPECIALLY not as leaders). We're not going to make the right choices all the time; mistakes are inevitable. However, what if we viewed mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow, rather than life- (or career-) ending moments? What if, instead of blaming ourselves (or others) when mistakes happen, we instead say, "How fascinating!"

I am often a self-bully when it comes to making mistakes (see a blog post about my 2013 wake-up call here). I hold myself to a crazy-high standard of perfection, don't ask for help, and then panic when things go wrong. It's not a healthy way to live, nor is it productive. However, I am MILES better at handling mistakes than I used to be. My mom can attest to this - there would be moments when I would send her a LONG, self-defeatist email talking about how my life was over when I made a mistake. Thankfully, I am not quite at the same self-flagellant level as when I was a sophomore in college, but I still have a long way to go when it comes to handling my own imperfections.

Then, Mr. Zander comes along, with his suggestion to say, "How fascinating!" when something goes wrong instead of to blame or shame. What a beautiful message. Just think - how much more of an empathetic, understanding place would the world be if we were all able to view our mistakes (and others') as fascinating, rather than terrible?

Brene Brown, who I've talked about before, is a wonderful academic, author, and I recently had the INCREDIBLE opportunity to see her as the closing keynote speaker at a convention (and I plan to do a blogging series after I'm done with LeaderShape about her messages!). One of her main messages to her audience is to live a life of vulnerability, to "show up, be seen, [and] be loved." I think this ties deeply into seeing our mistakes as fascinating - rather than giving in to shame, let's own up to who we are and what we do; rather than dwelling in negativity, let's learn what we can from each day and move forward knowing that, not only will we try again next time, but that we are not the only ones making mistakes.

I leave you with a wonderful quote from Theodore Roosevelt, which inspired Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly (shared in a tweet by my good friend Valerie):

Love love the Theodore Roosevelt quote @BreneBrown #ACPA14 pic.twitter.com/3fyYxD4veM
— Valerie Heruska (@ValerieHeruska) April 2, 2014

Today, I challenge you: 

Will you see your mistakes as fascinating opportunities for you to grow?

Will you dare greatly, regardless of failure (or success)? 

LeaderShape, Day Three: Challenging What Is, Looking to What Could Be

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two

One of the most powerful pieces of the LeaderShape experience is that of the vision. All participants of LeaderShape take time during Day Three to create a vision of "the kind of world they want to see." When creating a vision, you start with two prompts: 

1. What do I care about? (my passion[s])

2. What do I want to create? (the future)

Then, you think about this question: 

"From what I care about, what would I want if I could invent a bold, new future?"

What a powerful experience for the college student participants that are on the retreat... and what a powerful experience for me as a facilitator. Not only was I privileged to hear the kinds of futures that the participants wanted to create - sustainable, filled with equality of all kinds, kind, happy, just - but I had the chance to reflect on MY vision, the kind of world that I would want to see.

The vision I created on LeaderShape was intensely personal to me (as many/most visions are). My passions include leadership, supporting and encouraging young women (especially college-aged, but not limited to), and positivity. If I could create a bold, new future where these passions were a part of everyday life, every young woman would have access to a role model mentor and a network of peers to support her in her aspirations. (Of course, I would love it if EVERY young person, regardless of gender, had access to this, but for the purposes of my passion and vision I wanted to focus on creating female leadership and support networks.)

Think about that future for a moment. Women are often limited by gender, whether it is because of societal assumptions about women, or social mores that apply to women, or - worst of all - because of being blocked out by other women. Female bullying and competition is a real problem (I have experienced it myself; that's a long story for a different time), but imagine a world where, instead of feeling like they have to compete for resources (whatever those are), young women are supported through their aspirations to achieve whatever they want to achieve. Whether she wanted to be a mother, dancer, astronaut, physicist, professor, singer, actor, entrepreneur, whatever; imagine the power in a young woman being told YES, especially by the other women in her life.

This is a future that I want to see. It's not the world that is, but it is the world that could be. And it's my job, as a leader in everyday life, to try to create that world, step by step. How am I supporting the women in my life, especially the young women with whom I work? How am I affirming them, saying "YES" to who they are and who they want to be? 

I want to end with this brilliant quote from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's TEDxEuston speech, which was sampled in the brilliant Beyonce's "***Flawless":

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: "You can have ambition, but not too much; you should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man."

A challenge to the women reading this - instead of teaching the women in your life to shrink, how are you affirming your sisters? How are we working together to create this bright, bold future where our young people are told "YES"?  

Dealing With the Stuff

As you probably know quite well by now, my #OneWord for 2014 is simplicity (read about why I picked it here). In these first six days of the year, the word has been treating me well--I've been thinking about how to be honest about my limitations and learn from them, and also how to take it easier on myself. I've started simple habits of budget management (i.e. better tracking of my spending using mint.com and GoogleDocs), and I've been drinking lots of water.

Really, I decided that this first month of 2014 was going to be key in habit formation. In order to live a simpler life in 2014, one that is natural, unembellished, sincere, and straightforward, I want to practice good habits that will make my life easier and that will embody simplicity. Some of these habits are emotional, mental, and spiritual--taking it easier on myself, as previously mentioned; blogging more (which you can see I've already been following up on!); taking time each day for Bible study. Some of the habits, though, are physical, and not only things I am doing for my physical self (i.e. drinking water), but also habits that involve the physical space around me.

Toward the end of 2013 (a.k.a. about a week and a half ago), part of the thinking that led me to realize that I wanted to focus on simplicity in the coming year was that I kept being drawn to blogs, Pinterest boards, and life tips that inspired me to clean, declutter, and focus on minimalism. Whenever I look at design blogs like this one, or read lifestyle blogs like this one, it makes me want to live a life that is that aesthetically and mentally pleasing--a place for everything and everything in its place, a home that is welcoming and calming and restful. Part of achieving those goals for me is decluttering and streamlining; thus, my goal of simplicity.

Well, this weekend proved a wild one weather-wise here in Bloomington (current temperature outside: -8 degrees Fahrenheit), so I got started on my decluttering in short order. I decided to clean out my bedroom closet and dresser yesterday, and had a grand old time doing it.

The good news: I ended up with enough junk to toss to make 3 trips to the dumpster and enough stuff to donate to Goodwill to fill 2 bags (and counting).

The bad news: I am quite a sentimental creature, so there are some things I won't (can't, refuse to) part with. I have a cardboard box in my closet that has memory scraps from the past 15 years of my life (someday I'll do something with them. Someday). I have an AWFUL time getting rid of clothes; I can always convince myself that I'll wear something again. I keep old instruction/owner's manuals (you NEVER know when you're going to need them), I keep copies of bills and invoices for a year (again, should the IRS decide to audit me or something I'll HAVE to have them), and I even keep old journals and planners (want to know what I was up to on January 6th five years ago? I can probably tell you).

Acknowledging this weakness of sentimentality, though, I accomplished some small victories yesterday, and I decided small victories and joys are what count for this year. (In fact, I'm keeping an "it's the little things" jar in my living room to track some small victory and/or joy each day of the year.) I am now fully aware of everything that is in my closet, something that I did not know 24 hours ago. I have made room for more stuff, should more stuff enter my life (because, let's be real, there will ALWAYS be more stuff). I have ruthlessly thrown away or donated things that I really didn't need to keep; I have made a small move toward more simplicity in 2014.

This year will require me dealing with lots of stuff, I think, in order to live a simpler life--physical stuff, emotional stuff, mental stuff, spiritual stuff. But my goal of living a sincere, natural, and easy life in 2014 is more important to me than all the clutter in my life, and so the best I can do is make small steps each day to achieve my goal!

How are you dealing with your stuff in 2014? What small steps are you taking each day to accomplish your goals, hopes, and dreams for the year?

From Self-Reliance to Sharing Gifts

As I've blogged about before, my faith is incredibly important to me. Today's post starts with a Bible verse, but then expands into a life lesson that I hope to live by for this year, and that I hope proves valuable for some of you reading this blog!

I was doing my daily Bible study yesterday, New Year's Day, in order to try to keep true to my #OneWord2014 of "Simplicity"; in this case, getting back to the basics of what's important (i.e. my faith). My daily devotional led me to the book of Romans (the letter from Paul to the new Christians in Rome, which talks all about the basic building blocks of Christianity, which at the time of writing was a brand new faith), Chapter 12. I'll include the text that inspired me below:

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. (Romans 12:3-6, NIV)

As I've blogged about in the past couple of days, 2013 was a wake-up call for me. As I've been reflecting, I realized that I have formed the habit of holding myself to impossibly high standards, and then trying to accomplish EVERYTHING by myself. I try to put forth this facade of perfectionism, of knowing everything, of confidence and self-esteem, honestly in hopes that people will perceive me that way (and thus I'll start trusting myself in those areas... fake it 'til you make it, right?). But, over the past week, I've been realizing what a MESS holding myself to this high standard has made me. By expecting perfection of myself (something NO ONE ELSE does), and by expecting that I'll be able to handle everything on my own all the time, I've undermined my own confidence and certainty. I've been building this beautiful outer shell, but not dedicating any time to working on building a strong foundation. And because of this, the outer shell I've built is starting to crack.

I share this with all of you in the spirit of honesty, of freedom from deceit or guile that my #OneWord2014 (simplicity) signifies. I hope that by identifying the areas in my life where I'm hiding, where I'm being dishonest, where I'm not being vulnerable, I can completely break away my false outer shell and let my inner light shine.

Here's where the Bible verse above comes back in: I want to think of myself in sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given me. I want to be honest with myself about what I can truly accomplish on my own, and know when to seek help for all the rest. I want to know when to be confident in my own skills, and when to go to God for reassurance about my weaknesses. Or, in the words of another, simpler (because in 2014 I love simplicity!) translation, "...I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought [not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him." (Romans 12:3, Amplified Bible) I want to be clear and open and honest about where I'm failing and falling. I want to be truthful with myself that, while I am learning and while I am capable, I CANNOT do everything by myself. Because of my Christian faith, I want to go to God for the strength to learn from my mistakes, and to use that faith to grow and rely more fully on God and move forward.

And here's where the hopeful bit comes in. The rest of the passage above talks about how, as humans, we have a body with MANY parts, and all of those parts serve an important, indispensable function. In the same way, in the Christian faith, in the "body of believers" EVERY person (member) serves an important, indispensable purpose, because God has endowed each of us with special gifts and talents that are unique ONLY to us. It is then our job to bring those talents to the table, and serve others (and, most importantly, God).

Even if you have a different faith than mine, or faith isn't your thing, I think there's a powerful message we can gain from this. Human beings are amazing, miraculous creatures, capable of exploring deep oceans and flying to the moon and bringing forth life and saving ecosystems. But, we are also limited. We have a finite number of hours in the day in which we can do work before we have to crash and sleep. We have a finite number of years on this earth before our lives are done. So we have to take HONEST stock of ourselves (to "think of ourselves in sober judgment," if you will), to understand what our limitations are.

However, even acknowledging those limitations, even living with those limitations, every human being on this planet is important and indispensable. We all have talents, strengths, gifts, whatever you want to call them, and in order to make this world a better place, I am a FIRM believer that it's our job to bring those talents and gifts to the table to serve other people.

So, I'm going to be more honest about my limitations this year. I'm going to stop trying to be so self reliant, to ask for help more, to try to learn from my failures and mistakes. BUT I'm ALSO going to seek to utilize my strengths more, and to hone my gifts. There are things that I'm bad at, and I need to be okay with that, but there are also things that I'm good at, that I need to be thankful for. And I owe everyone--family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, students, strangers, everyone--my time, my talents, and my treasures. Gifts are meant to be shared. Light is meant to shine.

In 2014, I'm trying to go back to the basics, to find simplicity--what is natural, what is unembellished, what is sincere. Two important parts of this quest will be (1) acknowledging and being honest about my limitations, but also (2) bringing my gifts to bear, and using BOTH my strengths and weaknesses to love and serve others better and more this year.

How can you acknowledge and learn from your limitations this year? How will you utilize your strengths more? How will you let your light shine brighter in 2014?

Looking Back at 2013

I guess I've got Einstein and his Theory of Relativity (no, by following that link I do NOT expect you to understand what the heck that Wikipedia article is talking about, but it's worth a shot) to thank for the fact that 2013 sped by faster than any other year I've lived yet. And it was QUITE a year. Some amazing things happened, some... not so amazing things happened. So it's time for my now-annual year-in-review post (see here for 2012's review).

I don't know what I was expecting with 2013. Again, there were some BIG milestones to celebrate:

• My big brother got married, and I got to welcome a WONDERFUL new sister-in-law (and her family) into ours!
• I turned 25, quarter-life crisis included, and got to visit the Pacific Northwest (Portland, to be specific) and some of my BEST friends for my birthday.
• I survived my first year in my first full-time job. Miracle, in and of itself.
• I actually played a sport. Not well, but the point is I played.
• I joined a sorority as an alumna initiate, and I LOVE my new sisterhood.

All that aside, 2013 was... I don't know how to say this, other than 2013 was HARD. And I know I'm not alone in this. I've talked to a lot of other people--family, friends, coworkers--and a lot of them seem to agree with me that there was just something CHALLENGING about this year. I can't quantify exactly what was so hard; if I start going into all the individual problems I've had, this will turn into a #firstworldproblems post and that is the LAST thing I want.

Let me just sum up this year by saying that I was hoping... I expected... to finish out this year more confident, more self-actualized, more sure of who I am and of why I'm where I am and of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just knew that finishing out my first year of work would make me a more competent and confident professional; that turning 25 would clue me in to ALL of life's mysteries and secrets. 

Hell, I even chose "center" as my #oneword2013 (I never ended up blogging about it, if that gives you any indication of what a cluster this year ended up being, but you can see references to my #oneword2012 here, here, and here). I was going to use this year to center myself on and deepen my relationship with God (as you can see previously, my faith is VERY important to me); I was going to pray more, read my Bible more, just TALK with God more. But honestly--and after a recent conversation with my excellent and loving parents, I believe in being open and vulnerable about this--I am in a worse place, a bigger crisis of faith, right now than I have been in a LONG time. At least throughout my (seemingly) interminable job search last year, I felt confident and sure that God was going to come through; that I would end up in EXACTLY the right place with EXACTLY the right job, for EXACTLY the right reasons. God and I talked all the time; even when the answer I heard was "no" or "wait," I was still sure that He was answering.

But now? I'm, honestly, not sure. I've heard "wait" so much and so often that I'm not even sure WHAT I'm supposed to be waiting for. I like my job, I like my town, I love my new friends and acquaintances that I've met. But why am I here? What am I getting out of this experience? Most importantly, what in all green goodness am I actually contributing to my environment? Am I making my workplace better? Am I making my students' lives better? Am I bringing more happiness and joy and love to the lives of my friends and family?

I'm in the metaphorical wilderness right now. (Listen to this song by the O.C. Supertones to get a feel for EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.)

I am, in fact, LESS confident than I was this time last year. I'm LESS sure, LESS certain of almost everything (except about those who love and support me--I am trusting in you guys more than ever!). 

But, here's the tl;dr of this post: I'm using this last day of 2013 to decide that it's okay that I'm insecure. I am deciding that, even if I'm sure that everything happens for a reason, I don't know those reasons and I'm kind of mad about it. And I'm deciding that it's okay that I'm mad about not knowing those reasons. I'm deciding that I'm going to own my vulnerability even more than I usually do. You see, I'm a big fan of Brene' Brown's work "Daring Greatly" (something my friend Michael has been blogging about too; you can read his stuff here!), and up until this year, I would have told you that I am one of the most vulnerable people I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve; one of the Strengths that has shown up all 4 times I've taken StrengthsQuest has been Empathy, for heaven's sake. I've prided myself about my ability to feel what others are feeling, and to be open and honest about those emotions.

But what I've learned this year is that I'm NOT really open about those things. I'm not honest about when I feel like I've made a mistake, or messed something up, or when I feel stupid or wrong or bad. I try to hide behind this shell of togetherness; I like to pretend that I know what I'm talking about and that I've got my life together and that I can take care of EVERYONE ELSE without taking care of myself.

But, 2013 has CERTAINLY pulled that rug out from under me. And I'm deciding today, December 31, 2013, that I'm going to be okay.

I don't have my life together... and that's okay.

I don't know everything about everything... and that's okay.

I'm not sure what 2014 will bring to me... and that's okay.

2013 was a mess, I was (am) a mess. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. The sun will rise, the world will turn, I'll learn something new every day. 2014 is a year full of hope, a blank slate, a chance to start fresh with a new attitude. It's a chance to be okay with myself when I'm not perfect, to learn anything and everything I can from every moment, and to try to grow and live and be. 

So happy new year, everyone. May 2014 bring more blessings, more truth, more love, more hope, more faith into your lives (and mine) than we ever could want or need.

Musings on an October Day

Sometimes, one gets the urge to write, and so one must indulge oneself, no matter if one's thoughts are cohesive. (One also occasionally sounds like the Queen of England. We are not amused.)

~

It's FINALLY feeling like fall in Indiana, and Mother Nature isn't the only one dealing with changes. It seems as if everything is in flux right now, but not necessarily in a bad way. I've made a few life changes on my own account for which I'm VERY proud of myself:

FIRST: I started taking a modern dance class once a week. It is the day when I leave work at 5 p.m. like normal people do, and it is the day when I pretend to be Jody Sawyer from Center Stage and just dance my little heart out (regardless of my feet!).

SECOND: I was invited, accepted, and initiated into Gamma Phi Beta sorority as an alumna initiate, and I couldn't be happier about my new sisterhood. I am thrilled to join a long history of women who believe in inspiring "the highest type of womanhood," and I am already so impressed by the alumnae and undergrads that I've met who are now my sisters. I can't wait to get more involved with the chapter here at IU, and to get to fully experience being a Greek!

~

Work continues apace. I am in the midst of my second year as a professional at IU, and my fourth year (SO weird to think about) in a student affairs role as a para/professional. On the one hand, there are moments when I am 1000% confident in who I am as a colleague and advisor; I relish the times when I (finally) know an answer to a student's question or when I am able to provide historic or institutionally contextual perspective to a discussion. I'm expanding my network and deepening my friendships on campus, and I'm FINALLY feeling like a Bloomington "townie." On the other hand, and I have been assured that I am NOT alone in this, there are moments when the dreaded "impostor syndrome" still plagues me, and when I feel like I have been working at this job for a little over a month instead of a little over a year. Thankfully, I have a supportive supervisor and encouraging colleagues, and so I strive to make it through each week a little wiser and a little more equipped professionally.

~

Nerd Alert: the GREAT news is that I'm getting the chance to take part in some awesome professional development opportunities this fall - not only is IU hosting this year's Indiana Student Affairs Association Drive-In Conference (yay day-long pro.dev.!), I also had a presentation proposal accepted at an upcoming regional conference in Ohio! ACUI, one of my professional organizations (the Association of College Unions-International, for those of you who are curious), is hosting my region's conference in a couple of weeks, and I'll be presenting on how to talk with and teach college students about fiscal responsibility in programming (using my own students as a case study). Yeah, I know, I'm a big nerd. But I really like my job and my students are really smart, and I can't not brag on them! I'm also excited to get to talk with other professionals in the midwest about the work they're doing, and see if I can't get some really great ideas to bring back here to our Union.

~

I'm getting the travel bug again. It happens every couple of months, so I'm right on schedule. While the bug will be partially satiated by the aforementioned conference in Ohio, I'll REALLY be getting my travel fix for Thanksgiving, when I get to make a grand return to the motherland for some turkey with good friends and another best friend's WEDDING festivities! (Which will be held at The Salt Lick. Yes, you may indulge in jealousy, while I indulge in delicious barbecue.)

~

I realize, at the end of all this, that it's like a newsletter for my life. But I really have gotten the blogging itch today, and I realized that it's been two and a half months since I last updated this blog, and so I felt some routine life updates were in order. I've been pondering some deeper issues that will hopefully become blog posts sooner rather than later, but in the meantime, I wanted to put it out to the universe that I'm alive and pretty darn content with life.

(As a treat for making it all the way to the end of this post, you now get to watch what must rank as one of the cutest videos of all time. You're welcome.)

"It Might Be a Quarter-Life Crisis...

...or just a stirring in my soul." - John Mayer

Happy July, everybody! It's a gorgeous 70-degree day here in Indiana, and I would apologize to those of you who are dealing with hotter heat on this July day, but I feel like living through 23 summers of 100+ degree weather entitles me to a little smugness on a gorgeous day like this. :)

I find myself in a reflective mood today, and for a multitude of reasons. It's now July, and summer, for all intents and purposes, is winding down. The new fiscal year has started (holla back, all my fellow budget managers!), our office is wrapping up a search for a new colleague (I can't believe it's been almost a year since I was experiencing such a search myself!), and our students return from their holidays and travels in about a month and a half.

This, my first summer on the job, has proved to be a wonderfully restorative one. My supervisor, student leaders, and I have taken time to take stock, discuss goals for the coming year, and really enjoy the 9-5 grind of this office (as opposed to our late-night grind during the school year). In addition, I have travels up ahead to take time off from work: in about 27 hours I'll be flying out to Portland, Oregon, to see some of my best friends and to celebrate my birthday (see below for more on that), and then in a few weeks I'm making an extended trip down to my homeland - the great state of Texas - to celebrate some dear friends getting married. Summer travels are my favorite, and I can't wait to put this summer's trips on the books.

Another reason I find myself reflective at this point in the summer, as I alluded to above, is that it's almost my birthday! (In lieu of presents, dear friends, just come visit me in Bloomington. ;) ) I will be 25 years old this year (if you couldn't guess from my brilliant lyrical title), and the whole idea of a "quarter-life crisis" really has me thinking about where I am right now. This Buzzfeed article has been making the rounds among my peers on Facebook, and according to its purpose, it got me thinking about if I'm in the middle of my "quarter-life crisis."

And I can honestly say...I'm not. (yet, anyway. I'm still kickin' it at 24! :) )

But seriously, all the anxiety and questions that psychologists say come along at this point in my life - who am I, why am I here, what am I doing, and so on - happened at this exact point LAST YEAR. Ya know, that whole job search thing really got me pondering the deep questions of life. Was it a good idea to go to grad school? Is higher education the right field for me? Was it smart to pick up and move halfway across the country?  Will I EVER be able to manage my own budget? (The jury's still out on that one, folks...) Will I be FOREVER ALONE?

A year later, I still don't know all the answers, but I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I've got faith that God is using me to His (and my) best purpose where I am right now. I've got some of the best friends and family that a girl could ever ask for, and those numbers are growing day by day and week by week. I really, really do like my job a whole, whole lot; even on the days when it seems like things are going to hell in a handbasket (and they happen MUCH more often than I'd like), I know that my students and I are learning invaluable things that are going to help us later on in life. I'm constantly learning, growing, and developing, and more than anything, I'm THANKFUL.

I'm thankful for almost 25 pretty solid years on this earth, and I can't wait for 75 more. (Ya know, one has to assume that "quarter-life" refers to the fact that I'm going to live to be 100... I'll take it.)

So I wish everyone a HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, and a FABULOUS mid-summer week. May all of you find joy in your days!

Summer Projects (Sunshine Included)

Long time, no blog! But now it's summer, and the excuses have hit the rearview just like the academic year has. I can't believe that I've already been working at IU for almost 10 months (it'll be a year in August), and that I've made it through one academic year... time has absolutely flown by. Look for a post forthcoming about the things I learned in Year One; for now, I want to talk about summer.

What a beautiful word summer is, especially when you think about all the things it encompasses... sunshine, beaches, rest, play, green grass, blue swimming pools, star-filled nights. I could go on forever - summer is a special time. Of course, now that I'm a full-time professional, I've had to grasp a brand new reality: summer is for work, too.

If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said that I'd be disappointed about not having the summer "off," like my twenty years of schooling prior, but that I realized that it's part of the reality of being a full-time professional. Now that I'm in that reality, though, I have to say - a summer of work can be just as beautiful a thing as a summer off. Because, here's the truth that I've learned: it's hard, VERY hard, to get long-term projects done during the school year. One of my profession's truisms that I've faced as a newbie, and come to realize is accurate, is that my job really is ALL about my students. I mean that in the best way possible; I wouldn't have a job without them! But with that truth, all of my priorities when my students are around focus on those students. I love having an open-door policy; I love that my students trust me enough to come talk to me about work and about their personal issues. The truth of the matter is, though, that it's hard for me to focus on long-term projects during the school year because of the day-to-day, crisis-managing, firefighting role of advising college students.

But now, my friends, it's summer. Granted, some of my students are still around, working on programming for the summer. For the most part, however, it's SILENT in our office. And while I love my students, I am so very, very appreciative of the time to focus. Even though I'm a millennial, I've never really identified or felt comfortable with one of the generational qualities ascribed to us - multitasking. I hate multitasking; I feel like I'm not able to do justice to the work that's assigned to me when I'm forced to juggle it with other tasks. Of course, another reality of the professional world that I faced this year is that my day-to-day is ALL ABOUT MULTITASKING! So now that it's summer, and I'm able to focus on one thing at a time, my brain is a LOT happier.

In short, so far, summer has been treating me beautifully. I have time to truly focus on short- and long-term projects that escaped my notice (or had to be swept under the rug) during the school year. Here's a list, not even close to all-encompassing, but broken down of the things that I'll be working on this summer (work-related and otherwise):

1. Annual Reports - how has our office done with engaging the students? How has the Union Board done with reaching out to its constituents? Are we on target with our mission statement? Can we be proud of the things we've accomplished over the past academic year?
2. Staff and Grad Assistant Training - We just hired a new GA, and will be hiring a new professional in our office. Now is the perfect time to focus on training; what can and should our new professionals and paraprofessionals be getting out of time in our office? How can I as a professional support my colleagues' journeys? How can I make sure that I work to explain and help my colleagues understand the culture of my institution and office even better than I do?
3. Planning for the Year Ahead - Summer is the perfect time to take a look around and see where we are and how we can improve. I want to try to be intentional about thinking about the year ahead; now that I know what the school year looks like, what can I do now to ease my path later on?
4. Reflection Time - Now that I've been in my role for a year (almost), I really want to take stock of where I've been and where I'm going. I want to set goals for the coming year, and to really think about my professional development. This project includes blogging more - I've missed the catharsis and the engagement that this medium brings, and I really want to make an effort to be processing this way more (and engaging with my fellow professionals via their blogs). Which leads to...
5. Professional Development - How can I seek out new opportunities to grow and learn? I've already been blessed with one opportunity coming up this summer, ACUI's IPDS New Professionals Orientation. I'm so excited to get to spend a week with fellow new professionals! (nerd alert.) I also want to tackle some reading this summer; I FINALLY got a library card and want to put it to good use, for both leisure and developmental reading. Which leads to my final point...
6. Leisure Time - I have some beautiful vacations coming up in July; I'm playing on a co-rec softball team; I recently bought my very own bicycle. I want to be very purposeful about relaxing into this less stressful summer schedule, and really enjoying my "time off" (as close to time off as I'll get :))

Here's to you, summer 2013 - let's make it a good one!

On the Verge.

I'm graduating in a week.

*deep breath*

In one week, I will have obtained my Master's degree from The Florida State University.

I'll be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble writing this entry, because I truly don't know how to feel. I'm excited that I will have a break from 20 consecutive years of schooling (I love the learning, but the homework? Not so much). I'm excited to celebrate two years of hard work with my fellow Higher Education grads. I'm excited to see my family for the first time since Christmas, and to introduce them to everyone (it's not like I don't talk about them enough), and to meet my fellow grads' families.

I'm confident that I'll continue my job search and will end up with the right position for me (expect an excited blog post when I officially accept a position!). I'm confident that God is guiding my path and that I will be working where I'm meant to, guiding the lives of students and learning from everyone around me.

I normally try not to get sad at "goodbyes," because I believe much more in the "see you later." I firmly intend to keep a regular correspondence with students, friends, colleagues.
But, what will happen when I go somewhere new, move to a new city? Where will I be without the ability to walk downstairs and commiserate about homework with my roommate? What will I do without the immediate and present guidance and support of my supervisor, colleagues, fellow grads, friends, professors, mentors? What will I do when I can't eat Gordos on the reg? (I'm not really joking with that last one.)

Now is the time that I've quite honestly been terrified of for the past three years or so: the real world. Not that my time in Tallahassee and at Florida State has NOT been the real world; on the contrary, I feel beyond prepared to take on the challenges of being a professional and a full-time grown up. But truly, I won't have school to fall back on. I won't have the excuse, "Oh, I'm a student." For while I will continually learn, that won't be my full-time job anymore. I will be an independent adult. Which is pretty gosh darn terrifying. (And exciting. But mostly terrifying.)

For now, though, I still have a week before I'm officially done. I'm going to take my own advice and focus on being present in the present. I'm going to finish out this next week strong. I'm going to celebrate Aggie Muster Day tomorrow, and reminisce about where I come from and the people who got me here. I'm going to enjoy every minute with my friends, colleagues, and family.

Because I'm graduating in a week.
*cue Vitamin C*

Standing still, moving forward

Good morning, faithful followers! Last time we met, I was extolling the virtues of D-I-Y and preparing for the challenges of my current growth spurt.

February continues to be both an exciting and challenging month for me and for many students, grads, and professionals I know. The semester is in full swing, organizations are kicking back in gear, expectations are high, and a solid routine has been established.

Well, that last one is a little bit questionable, for me, at least. I always seem to start each semester thinking, “Oh, I have time to get my schedule settled, then I’ll fix a time to do homework, to work out, and to spend regular time with friends. And sleep.” Then, lo and behold, it’s the middle of February, and I still haven’t found a good time to get to the gym (is there ever a good time to get to the gym?), and I’m fluctuating between 11 hours of sleep a night on (free) weekends and 5 hours per night during the week. (ouch.) I try to plan for the rest of the semester, trying to establish a routine that’ll help me be successful, and it seems like I blink and the semester is over.

This feeling of balancing the present with the future is something that I’ve been reflecting on in many aspects of my life recently. Just like the title of this post, often I feel like I’m standing still, looking to move forward, and then all of a sudden it’s the future…and I missed the present.

A few of my best friends in my grad program and I were recently at a professional conference, listening to a wonderful keynote speech by a hero of our student affairs field (shoutout to Dr. Marcia Baxter Magolda!), and she set aside time during her speech for us to talk in groups about our self-authorship (the concept of listening to and trusting one’s inner voice) and our students’ paths to self-authorship, and how we can help each other along the way. Well, let me tell you, reflection is a FAVORITE pastime of us student affairs grads, so my friends and I got into some deep conversations in the 5-minute discussion times allotted to us.

One of the pieces of our conversation and reflection stands out to me as I think back, and really relates to my personal feelings about the subject of this post, standing still and moving forward. As first-year students in a two-year Master’s degree program, it seems like we have a LOT to learn in a SHORT amount of time. Our good friends the second-years are already embarking upon their job searches, trying to secure various spots as professionals in our field, and we first-years often get a little caught up thinking about—and worrying about—that future. Job searching A YEAR AWAY is a little too close for comfort, and a few of us first-years have begun to consider what our areas of interest within our field are, where we might want to work, and more, and trying to make choices based upon those hopes and desires.

However, as my friends and I were reflecting on this seemingly imminent future, we paused for a moment. We realized we were getting caught up in a future that is a year away, and losing sight of the amazing learning, growing, and sharing opportunities we have RIGHT NOW.

This question—how do I balance preparing for the future with living in and enjoying the present?—is starting to pervade into other areas of my life, as I mentioned before. Even the simplest thing, such as me counting down to (what I like to call) my triumphant return visit to my undergrad in two weeks, is me focusing on the FUTURE and pushing through the PRESENT. Granted, I’ve been looking forward to this trip for several months, but isn’t that the problem? Because—and here’s the tough question—what happens when it’s over?

Think on that a minute. Sometimes, we spend so much time looking forward to and preparing for the future, that

we forget to stop,

look around,

smell some roses,

love some people,

and enjoy the moment.

That’s my new goal for this semester (I don’t want to look more forward than that!): to REALLY and truly take time to appreciate—that’s right, I said appreciate—every. single. moment, good OR BAD.

So while I’m appreciating the moment, soaking it in, and truly taking time to be thankful for everything around me, I encourage you to do the same.

Don't let your life pass you by

So this is change.

Tonight, as I hung up on two consecutive phone calls from two good friends and former counselors of mine, I experienced the first (well, second—first was watching my parents drive away) acute and stinging pangs of homesickness.

Let me qualify: So far, my new home state is beautiful. I enjoyed the drive here (although it was LONG), I’ve enjoyed settling in with my roommates, I have LOVED getting to know my new cohort classmates and cannot wait to embark upon the journey of the next three years with them. We have orientation tomorrow (I LOVE that word and all it stands for) and I start work Tuesday; we have a busy welcome week with classes starting a week from tomorrow! And I cannot WAIT to get to know my students.

That being said, it’s hard to let go of the past. This time of year is always special because of my beloved organizations, and here I am in a different state; even more, a different TIME ZONE, at a different university, getting ready to ADVISE students as they come back to school and their own organizations, wishing at this very moment to be dyeing my hair, organizing discussion group times, making tutus, buying school supplies, and generally being at home at my undergrad.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of beginning a time in a new city, a new state, at a new university with a culture very different from the one I’m used to. I’m afraid of my new classes, hoping that I will be able to succeed as a graduate student. I’m afraid of being in a professional advisory capacity to students; afraid that I will be an insufficient helper to them in their times of greatest need. And I am deeply afraid that, in spite of my heart being so at home right now, my loved ones far away will forget about me.

But, as I have begun to discover, growing up is all about fear. It’s about recognizing what fears exist. It’s about acknowledging those fears, what they entail, and where they stem from. And, ultimately, it’s deciding that the direction in which I want to head in life—the path that I choose—is worth all the fear.

The relationships I will be building over the next two years, the students I will be interacting with and learning from, the professionals whose guidance will ground me and lead me, the beautiful new things I will be learning about my chosen profession—all these things make this pain, this fear, this sadness, WORTH IT.

Ultimately, I do need to accept the homesickness for what I am comfortable with and the fear that I will be forgotten.

But I also need to hold on to the truth that I know for a fact I am loved and supported even over those 1,000 miles, and those people are completely confident in me.

Even more than that, I need to embrace what the past has given me. But instead of letting the fear hold me back, I need to let the strength and knowledge I have gained over the past four years bolster my hope and give me the reassurance that I HAVE chosen the right path and profession for me. I WILL be learning a lot, and I MIGHT struggle sometimes, but the fact remains that my passion for this field remains, and I’m not going anywhere.

So, as orientation begins tomorrow, and as I begin to orient myself on the path towards a master’s degree and a professional career, I do miss my past, but I am letting it settle into me as the foundations for a bright and happy future on a new path, in a new place, with new and promising friends, mentors, and lessons to learn. My undergraduate career did much to make me who I am up ‘til now, but it’s time to take the leap towards the person I want to become.

Deep thoughts for a Sunday night, but, as one of my favorite authors says, “For each of us comes a time when we must be more than what we are.” (Lloyd Alexander)

My time is now. When is yours?