30 Before 30: Update Number One

Last year, right after my 28th birthday, I published a 30 Before 30 List, in preparation of celebrating my 30th birthday in 2018. We're 19 days shy of my 29th birthday, and I've already crossed a few items off my list (or will soon), so I wanted to share a status update!

Cassidy's Thirty Before 30 (Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving) List:

TRAVEL
1. Travel to London - In 17 days, I'll be getting on a plane for Europe! After a year of saving money, I'm taking a 9-day trip to Dublin AND London... all by myself. (Well, mostly by myself - in Dublin I'll be traveling alone; in London I'm staying with my cousin and her family, which will be a FABULOUS and long-needed visit.) I'll spend 3 nights in Dublin, and 5 in London, and I cannot WAIT for this trip. Look for a more detailed recap of my trip when I return... it'll be chock-full of awesomeness and history and sightseeing and FOOD, glorious food.

4. Take an off-the-grid (NO EMAIL) vacation - Knowing how expensive data is in Europe, and how much I don't want to rely on wifi, I'm planning to take my no-email vacation simultaneously with my Europe trip. I'm out for a long time - 9 days - but I truly want to enjoy this time abroad, and I trust my co-workers and students implicitly to handle things while I'm gone :)

EXPERIENCES
8. Backpack on the Appalachian Trail - Although it won't be backpacking in the strictest sense - I am NOT a camping person (bugs.) - next weekend, my mom and I are taking a girls' trip to Bland, Virginia to spend the WHOLE weekend hiking the AT! We'll do day hikes throughout the weekend, seeing as much of the trail as we can. I can't wait for bonding time AND outdoors time.

WELLNESS
12. Run a half-marathon - Done. And. Done. As of March 25, I completed my first half marathon. It was both fun and grueling, and just addicting enough for me to have signed up for a second half in November. That's right - I'll be doing a SECOND half before my 30th birthday, that I'll begin training for in just a couple weeks. Apparently I'm crazy. It's fine.

16. Schedule regular doctor/dentist check-ups - Doctor's appointment - check. Dentist... still needs to happen. (I KNOW. I KNOW.) I'm also planning on adding counseling to this list - I need to take care of my mental and emotional wellness just as much as my physical, and this summer would be a good time to do some check-ins with a counselor. Look for further updates on this one later!



I still have quite a few items to accomplish on this list, but thankfully, I have more than a year to check some things off. Look for further updates later on this fall. :)

Why Things are On Your Mind

It's been a bit since I've posted, hasn't it? 2017 has been a roller coaster of a year so far, with lots of personal ups and downs. But as we move toward mid-year, I've been feeling stronger and better, with lots to look forward to. I hope to write more on the blog this summer - with a 30 Before 30 update, as well as some travel recaps and some reflection and plans for the future.

Currently, it's summer, which means that the nature of my work on a college campus shifts and changes. I'm much more project-focused in the summer; the day-to-day event and advising grind is minimal, and we can take a step back to focus on some big-picture thinking.

One of my projects for the summer is to read Getting Things Done, a productivity-focused book that came to me highly recommended by some friends and colleagues. Although I'm an active Bullet Journal user and lover of all things organization, I'm also a recovering procrastinator (Hi, my name is Cassidy, and I'm a Procrastinator), and I'm always on the lookout for systems, tips, and tricks to help me focus and get things done. Thus, reading this book!

I'm reading a little bit at a time, and in the introduction to the GTD system, the author, David Allen, talks about the importance of getting things OFF your mind in order to clear it, so you can then focus on getting things done.

His theory about WHY things are on your mind really resonated with me. I've quoted it here:

Most often, the reason something is on your mind is that you want it to be different than it currently is, and yet:

• you haven't clarified exactly what the intended outcome is; 

•  you haven't decided what the very next physical action step is; and/or

• you haven't put reminders of the outcome and the action required in a system you trust. 

 First, let's talk about that deep why: "the reason something is on your mind is that you want it to be different than it currently is."

Whoa.

From feeling guilty about not writing in this blog more, to wanting to work out and get in shape, to stressing over my to-do list at work, I constantly live in a world where I want things to be different than they are (and by different, I usually mean better). My intentions are so pure; I want to make a difference; I want to be a person of integrity; I want to be joyful; and yet...

• I haven't clarified exactly what the intended outcome is

Feeling guilt about neglecting this blog is NOT doing anything to move me toward my intended outcome - publishing regularly on this blog. And yet, by naming that outcome, I relieve some stress - I have identified the specific thing that I would like to be different. That idea can feel big sometimes, though, which leads to...

• I haven't decided what the next physical action step is

If all I do is bug myself about "writing more," but haven't given myself the specific task of "write a blog post NOW," or "tomorrow" - if I haven't given myself a small, manageable, action-step-chunk to work on - then my intended outcome won't be reached, and the Thing will still be On My Mind. Then, of course, there's...

• I haven't put reminders of the outcome and the action required to meet it in a system I trust

The jury's still out on this one - I look forward to continuing to read this book and see what system that Allen recommends to Get Things Done.

But actually writing this blog post and this post's content were both inspired by an exercise that Allen runs through, and I'll leave you with this method, and encourage you to think on what's On Your Mind:

I suggest that you write down the project or situation that is most on your mind at this moment. What most bugs you, distracts you, or interests you, or in some other way consumes a large part of your conscious attention? It may be a project or problem that is really "in your face,' something you are being pressed to handle, or a situation you feel you must deal with sooner rather than later.

...Got it? Good. Now, describe, in a single written sentence, your intended successful outcome for this problem or situation. In other words, what would need to happen for you to check this project off as "done"?

...Now write down the very next physical action required to move the situation forward. If you had nothing else to do in your life but get closure on this, what visible action would you take right now? Would you call or text someone? Write an email?

...Got an answer to that? Good.

Was there any value for you in those two minutes of thinking? If you're like the vast majority of people who complete that drill in our seminars, you'll be experiencing at least a tiny bit of enhanced control, relaxation, and focus. You'll also be feeling more motivated to actually do something about that situation you've merely been thinking about till now. 

So, what's been on your mind? Why?

And We'll All Float On Okay

As I move toward the end of the calendar year, and the middle of my second year in my current job, and the end of my twenties, I find myself not really working toward anything... big.

Well. I shouldn't knock my 30 Before 30 List - I have a lot of goals, even more than what the list mentions. And I'm well on my way to tackling quite a few of them - I'm working hard to be ready for my half marathon in March; I'm well on my way to my savings goal for my summer 2017 London trip; I'm trying to get up the courage to finally get my tattoo. A lot of the items on the list are big goals, and I shouldn't downplay them.

But I don't really have a plan right now.

I had a really great phone conversation with a friend yesterday, who was pondering their current lack of a life plan. "I always have to have a plan," they said.

Me? I've never been much of a "life plan" type of person. Sure, I set goals for myself. But I've found that, whenever I try to make big "life plans," God likes to laugh at me, and then the plan gets totally upended. And then I end up somewhere unexpected, like graduate school in Florida. Or working in higher education in Bloomington, Indiana.

So, I stopped trying to make big plans. They just don't work for me.

But I find myself reflecting - does a lack of a plan make me purposeless? (It sure feels like it sometimes!)

I don't really know what my Purpose is here on earth (and I don't really expect to ever find it out in this life), so I usually find myself trusting God and doing the best I can.

And I guess, that's my question. Is figuring it out day by day enough of a purpose? Is it acceptable to enjoy life as it comes, and do my best to do my best? To work toward living a life of contentment and joy? To surround myself with the people I love, and do the things I like?

For now, I feel like it is enough.

They say when you're caught in an undertow, you shouldn't fight the current, but rather swim along with it. Wherever this current is ultimately going to take me, I find myself enjoying just... floating along.

Adulting.

Yesterday, I adulted. And I mean HARD CORE adulted. I was awake at 7:00am (on a SATURDAY, y'all). I went to the DMV to renew my car registration. I went to Sam's Club to buy new tires. (Ouch.) I dropped off some dry cleaning. I ran 3.5 miles, as part of my half marathon training. And I deep-cleaned my guest bedroom and bathroom (any visitors?).

The best part: I did all of this before noon. ON A SATURDAY.

I don't even know who I am anymore, y'all.

Well, that's not true, to an extent. I know exactly who I am - I'm Cassidy, and I'm finally practicing adulting.

When the college students with whom I work start complaining about how hard life is (as we all tend to do, let's be honest), I remind them that they're adults now, and that being an adult consists of two key truths that I've learned over the past few years, since I was a college student myself.

Here are these truths, which are actually corollaries of each other:
1) Being an adult means that you have to make yourself do things you don't want to do. All the time.

When you were younger, the people who raised you probably did a lot of things for you - they would make your doctor's appointments, or pay your living costs/bills, or make your lunch for you to take to school.

When you're an adult, there's no one to do this for you. (Probably.) You have to schedule that dentist appointment you've been putting off for 3 years. You have to re-register your car at the DMV (and pay property taxes... ouch). You have to wash those dishes that have been sitting in your sink since Tuesday. You're the only person that's responsible for your life now... so do the thing. It sucks, but you're the person who can and should do it.

2) Being an adult means that you're allowed to make whatever choices you want... but you have to live with the consequences of those choices.

As you got older, you probably had to start doing a lot of the aforementioned chores for yourself, but there would be consequences if you didn't. Clean your room, or no TV. Mow the lawn, or you're grounded.  When you're an adult, a lot of times, these consequences aren't as apparent, because a lot of times, no one external is setting them for you.

Listen, the first time I realized that I could let my dishes sit in the sink for a week, I was ecstatic. Washing dishes is mundane, tedious, and sometimes icky. I didn't have a parent or roommate shooting me dirty looks for leaving them sitting; I didn't face no TV or no cell phone for not getting them done. It was magic. But after a few days, those dishes start smelling. Fruit flies may show up. And eventually, you run out of dishes.

I made a choice not to wash my dishes, but then I had to live with the consequences of not washing them - no clean dishes. An even dirtier kitchen. And those consequences, honestly, were worse than if I had just bit the bullet and cleaned them.

This is such a metaphor for adulthood it's not even funny - oftentimes, the immediate action of doing something may be distasteful, or hard, or you may be unsure of how to do it. But the reality is, the consequence of not doing the thing is 99.9% percent of the time WAY worse than doing the thing in the moment.

Sure, I can choose not to go to the doctor or dentist. But what problems are going to be worse because I'm not discovering them early? Sure, I can procrastinate on getting my car's registration renewed. But when I get a ticket for an out-of-date registration, whose fault is that? Adulthood is about facing choices, and making decisions, and then dealing with the consequences.

~

I'm still learning these lessons; I'm by no means perfect. I may have renewed my car registration yesterday; I haven't gone to the dentist in years (I'll spare you the details on how long it's been). I may have deep-cleaned my guest bedroom and bathroom; I still need to vacuum the rest of my apartment and clean my kitchen.

In the end, what I'm really working on is not feeling guilt for the things left undone; rather, I'm attempting to be proud of the progress I've made. Sure, I may slip and make a mistake, but I'm still growing and learning from those mistakes. Every small victory is still a victory - as my friend Ashlie says, "A baby shark is still a shark." Any bit of progress, however small, is still a step forward. And that's something to be proud of.

Thirty Before 30: Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

We're post-birthday and post-August, which in higher ed world is one of the busiest times of year, so I figured I should rev up the ol' blog once again. I turned 28 in July, so I'm one step closer to the big 3-0 (22 months and 6 days, to be exact).

With that being said, I decided to sit down and make my Thirty Before 30 List (two months AFTER my birthday). I've set some pretty big goals, as you'll see below, and I wanted to give myself a reasonable amount of time - July 2018 - to accomplish them. (After all, my goals must be SMART, right? #educatorjokes)

Without further ado, here's the list; expect blog posts as I accomplish these goals!

Cassidy's Thirty Before 30 (Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving) List:

TRAVEL

1. Travel to London - I'm such an Anglophile, and I have family living in London Town - there's no reason I shouldn't do this. In fact, I'm planning to check this off the list next summer! :)
2. Travel to Rome - Between my Italian heritage, my somewhat limited knowledge of the Italian language (I took it in college and am a little rusty), and my love of history, I crave a visit to La Citta Eterna. I may make this my 30th Birthday Gift to myself... TBD.
3. Visit a state I’ve never been to before - I love traveling domestically in the U.S.; I'd like to expand my list of states visited. On the docket: Massachusetts (Boston), Idaho (Boise), and/or Utah (Zion National Park). Open to suggestions :)
4. Take an off-the-grid (NO EMAIL) vacation - I am incredibly guilty of not fully being on vacation when I go on vacation. I want to challenge myself to turn off email for the duration of a WHOLE vacation, and to truly live in and enjoy the moment.

EXPERIENCES

5. Ride in a hot air balloon - I am terrified of heights but also love the view from up top. I want to ride in a hot air balloon SO bad, and to try not to have a panic attack the whole time.
6. Hike a 14-er - Again, love being up high but I am terrified of heights. But I also love climbing mountains, and the West has a plethora of great destination hikes. I'd like to bag at least one 14-er (a mountain over 14,000 feet above sea level) before I hit the big 3-0.
7. Get a tattoo - I've wanted the same tattoo for about 5 years. It's time to pull the trigger.
8. Backpack on the Appalachian Trail - The Appalachians are my mountain range; I feel at home when I'm there. I want to channel my best Cheryl Strayed and get on the AT for several days/a week. Travel buddies welcome!
9. Plan an amazing 30th Birthday Celebration/Trip - I want to go BIG for 30. See above note about Rome. I'm open to suggestions/travel buddies on this one, too :)

MONEY

10. Pay off half of total principal student loan balance - I took out a lot of student loans, and I want to be out of debt SOON. By the time I turn 30 I'll be 6 years into repayment, so I'd like to be halfway done paying back my principal by my 30th birthday. It'll take some finagling & some real dedication with my budgeting, but debt is terrible, so it'll be worth it.
11. Go on a month-long spending cleanse - I want to accomplish this one sooner rather than later. I need to refocus my budgeting (especially if I'm wanting to travel AND take down my debt). I want to think really critically about how I spend my money - and not spend for a month, so I know what I need vs. what I want.

WELLNESS

12. Run a half-marathon - I've toyed with running since college, but never committed to a long distance. Now's the time. My parents and I are, as of today, signed up for a half marathon in March of 2017. Wish me luck!
13. Figure out and stick to regular workout regimen - I am TERRIBLE at staying in shape, because I hate most forms of working out. I want to figure out what works for me AND make it a habit by the time I turn 30.
14. Complete a 30-day yoga challenge - I love yoga but haven't made a habit of it. Many studios offer a "30-day challenge" of practicing every day for a month; I can always do with more centering.
15. Find & attend a home church regularly - I've lived in Charlotte for over a year and still haven't made the commitment to a home church... yet!
16. Schedule regular doctor/dentist check-ups - I haven't gone to the doctor (any doctor) or dentist in... a while. I will spare you the details. But I need to be a grown-up and schedule appointments for myself. (It's getting embarrassing.)
17. Complete a Whole 30/28-day Paleo (or similar) Challenge - I believe in moderation and portion control with food, but I also want to learn how to be more conscious of what I eat and how it makes me feel. I think a 28-day or 30-day challenge would be just the thing for me to thoughtfully eat better.

LEARNING

18. Learn how to water-ski - I've now snow-skied, and skiing on flat(ish) water is WAYYYY less terrifying than falling down a mountain.
19. Try 30 new recipes - I am able to cook; I'm often too lazy to do so. I have tons of Pinterest recipes ready to go. This one should be a breeze.
20. Learn calligraphy - I love the act of writing and can fake calligraphy script really well. I'd love to take a class on how to do it properly!
21. Learn how to rock climb - See above for sentiments about being terrified of heights but loving the view, and workin' on my fitness. (There's a metaphor for another blog post in there somewhere.)
22. Decide on a Ph.D. program (even if I’m not ready to apply for it yet) - I know I want a Ph.D.; I just need to figure out what it'll be and where I'd like to apply.
23. Learn how to apply lipstick - I have my daily makeup routine down, and yet, I CANNOT make lipstick stick. Ever. This is #lifegoals before 30.

ART/CULTURE

24. Attend a professional ballet performance (other than “The Nutcracker”) - I danced for 15 years and adore ballet, and yet have never seen a professional performance other than The Nutcracker. No more.
25. See Beyonce in concert (if she tours) - For as much as I love Queen Bey, I've yet to commit to a concert of hers. If she tours again in the next two years, I'm going, no questions asked.
26. Watch all of the AFI Top 100 Films - I love movies; I need to see more of the classics.
27. Join a choir - I miss choir, more than I ever thought I would. I'd love to find one as a hobby.

SERVICE

28. Volunteer with Girls on the Run - Girls on the Run is a nonprofit organization that I'm a huge fan of for a number of reasons (including that it's my sorority's philanthropy organization). I would love to get more involved as a volunteer, whether that's as a coach, running buddy, or simply a regular 5K volunteer.
29. Solidify & stay constant with volunteering role(s) with Gamma Phi Beta - Gamma Phi is my sorority and is a life-long commitment; I need to figure out what that commitment looks like and make it stick!
30. Complete 30 Random Acts of Kindness - Giving back to others means the world to me; I want to make the world a little happier in the next couple of years. It's the least I can do.

The Only Constant

Summer makes me reflective, probably because of the summer birthday thing (11 days), and probably because a predominance of my life has revolved around the academic year (24 of 27 birthdays celebrated going into a school year, so far).

Summer always feels like this weird transition period - a reset, a pause, but also a time during which major changes are happening, usually under the surface, but there.

When I think about summers past, I think of travel. Best friends. Family. Break-ups and getting together. Flirtations and heartbreaks. Working harder than I've ever worked before, and resting and relaxing. Beaches, rivers, deserts, and mountains. Reflection on the past, and plans for the future.

I have a lot more figured out at almost-28 than I did last year, or any year before that; and yet, it often feels like I have less figured out than I ever have before. The way I make plans has inherently changed - I think of the future more like pinpoints on a globe, rather than a road on a map. My travel may not be straightforward, but it will be moving forward.

The mistakes I will make are inevitable, but so is the learning that will happen. The friendships that come and go, the relationships that grow and then dissipate will break me up, but they will also make me stronger. The knowledge I have and confidence I am building may be shaken, but each tremor only strengthens the woman that I am and am becoming. The love in my life will only exponentially grow.

I'm thankful for the almost-28 years I've lived. I'm thankful for the change, the difficulty, the world-shaking and heart-breaking experiences. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but I know they are integral pages in my story.

A good story mirrors life, and as I've learned, the only constant in life is change.

Change may hurt. It may break us before it makes us. But change = growth. Stasis = death.

In my 28th year of life, I want to embrace change, even when it hurts. I want to grow through the pain, learn through the hard times. I want to come out on the other side a better human. I want my story to be one of a woman who, through all the change, constantly loved.

All the Single Ladies

I have a confession to make - I love weddings.

This isn't that shocking of a confession, I suppose; a lot of people love weddings. Two people standing up in front of God and their closest family and friends, making a life-long commitment to one another? That's a beautiful thing.

Totes me.

But when I say I love weddings, I mean even more than just the wedding itself. I mean that I am one of those people who has a wedding Pinterest board, even though I'm not dating anyone. I've been known to follow various wedding blogs (Style Me Pretty is my favorite) to see what the trends are for weddings this year. When I ask my friends about their planning process, I want to know everything, from who they asked to be in their wedding party to what gifts they're getting their wedding party; from the overall colors of the wedding to what cake or food vendor they're using (and whether or not the venue is letting them bring in their own alcohol). I can't help it; the event planner in me loves hearing about all the small details, knowing that they add up to one big, special day (and recognizing that, if done right, all the small details reflect EXACTLY who the couple is, and make the day even more special).

I have another confession to make - I am currently dabbling in the online dating world (where my Tinder & Bumble peeps at???). This honestly shouldn't be that shocking of a confession, either. More and more, it's getting harder and harder for young people to meet other singles without the help of some swiping or "liking." And especially since I just made a big move to a big city a few months ago, I figure, "It doesn't hurt to put myself out there a bit! Who knows who I'll meet?"

Of course, these two confessions aren't that world-shaking, and of course, dating leads to marriage, so it makes sense that I'm making these confessions together, right?

Well, herein lies my point.

I'm 27 years young. I am single, and for the most part, loving it. Seriously, I have an amazing new group of friends here in Charlotte, as well as my friends from Indiana, grad school, college, and my hometown. I enjoy an active social life. I am career-minded and -focused, and am passionate about the work I do in higher education. I have a loving and supportive family (who all live close to each other for the first time in 4 years).

And yet, like many people, I do get lonely sometimes. I do want to put myself out there, and meet a great guy, and settle down someday to have children and a family of my own. I see my friends meeting great partners and building a life together, and I get a little jealous, hoping someday to write a love story of my own.

Per the suggestion of my dear friend Gillian, I've been listening to the Dear Sugar Radio podcast, specifically, the three-part episode about the search for "The One." And holy heck, is this resonating with me. (I highly recommend you give it a listen, no matter your demographics, but ESPECIALLY if you're a single straight woman - the content herein applies specifically to us.)

Essentially, these podcast episodes detail a national trend: the Dear Sugar folks get untold amounts of letters from single women in their twenties-to-fifties asking the same questions: when will I meet The One? Is he even out there? Is there something wrong with me if I haven't met him yet? Are there even any available men out there anymore?

The letters they read on these episodes reflect my same internal struggles every day: I love my life, and yet I can't help but feel unfulfilled without a partner with whom to share it. My feminism tells me I don't need a man to feel fulfilled, but also tells me that I can choose and build the life that I want with whoever I want (and if that's a husband, that's perfectly ok.) My faith tells me that God works in His time and His purposes are good and perfect, but that that purpose may be for me to be married someday... or it may not.

Half of my days, I REVEL in singleness - this, my twenties, is one of the few times in my life when I'm allowed to be somewhat selfish, focusing on my self-esteem, my career, and my well-being. There are times when I can definitely imagine myself leading a whole & fulfilled life without a partner, focusing my time and energies on the other people in my life that I love.

Yet, there is this pervasive cultural narrative - and my own deeply rooted desires - that tell me that I all I want, all I need, is that "happy ending." That a life without a wedding, without a husband, without children, is no life at all. That my biological clock is a-ticking away, and time. is. running. out.

Some of this is true (at least according to the economist featured on the Dear Sugar podcast - scarcity in the dating pool is REAL!).

BUT - and here's the BIG but (ha!) - the end goal of marriage & a partner cannot consume my life. Every time I go on a date with a new guy, I can't expect to hear wedding bells ring. Dating is a crazy journey that, if you let it, can teach you as much about yourself as it does about the people that you date. In relationships, in love, the journey itself is just as important as the destination.

Reflecting on all of this, I've ended up making some healthy choices for me:

1. I've committed to "try, try again" with dating. If I don't put myself out there, I may NEVER meet someone, so the least I can do is try! And in the meantime, I can enjoy each date for the experience it is - the chance to meet and connect with someone new.
2. I have scaled back my consumption of all things wedding. This doesn't mean that I'm boycotting weddings altogether; quite the opposite, actually. In order to remind myself of the true importance of a wedding - the marriage itself, and the life two people build after the event is over - I have committed to caring less about all of the trappings of "the day."
3. I want to be open about my journey. Blogging, for me - reflecting on the meaning of romance, of dating, of singleness - is key to moving forward as a healthy woman. I want to reflect on my experiences, to be open about them, to invite conversation & dialogue with those who read my blog, and to hopefully tell others that you're not alone out there in your singleness.

So, single ladies, let us come together in solidarity! Let us drown our sorrows about the seeming lack of single, available men in wine and ice cream and chocolate! Let us ALSO build one another up in our journeys toward fulfilled, love-filled lives! And, in the words of our Queen Bee, let us "put our hands up." Let us OWN our singleness, to delight in who we are as individual women as as women together - friends and confidantes, platonic soulmates. For I don't believe in "The One," but rather in MANY "Ones" - people (romantic & platonic) who come into your life for a reason, to make it better and more whole.

When in doubt, channel Beyonce.