LeaderShape, Day Five: Living and Leading With Integrity

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four

As the LeaderShape week winds to a close, the concepts that the facilitators work on with participants get more complicated. LeaderShape works on the principle of self -> group -> community development, and you can really see that trajectory through the themes of the days... the participants start by looking inward to discover who they are; they continue growth in groups as they learn to work together as a team; they end the week by looking inward AND outward simultaneously in order to better serve (and improve) the world around them. Day Five's theme - Living and Leading with Integrity - begins to ask participants to tie everything together. LeaderShape's mission includes the plan that "all lead with integrity," and on Day Five, participants and facilitators explore what that means.

Per the dictionary, integrity means "adherence to moral principles; soundness of character; honesty." To LeaderShape, integrity means values congruence - is what I believe in reflected in how I act? Or, am I "walking my talk"? Who do I want to be, and how do I "show up" to the world around me?

What a heavy, yet critically important concept to explore with college student participants. It's so hard to name your values, your TRUE values, at any age, but especially as a college student. Then, the challenge goes even further - are you acting out those values? Does your life reflect the things you believe in?

I've had many an occasion throughout my life so far when I've dealt with values congruence. Some of those situations have come out with a "win," and some of them, I'm sad to say, led to me making the choice that was best at the time rather than one that fit my values.

As a "win," one only needs to look to three short years ago, when I was finishing my first year as a graduate student in Florida State's Higher Education & Student Affairs program. My graduate assistantship was with the FSU Alumni Association, advising the Student Alumni Association group. As much as I was thankful for my job, and as much as I learned about alumni affairs and development, the values of the office - namely, a focus on relationships and development post-graduation (as opposed to during students' time in college) - did not mesh with my personal and professional values. As hard as it was, I decided (along with my supervisor, who was incredibly supportive) to look for other graduate assistantships that would better fit what I needed out of my time in graduate school. Thankfully, I ended up with an offer from the Student Activities Center, an office MUCH better suited to both my interests and to my values. This experience has proved incredibly important in my professional development - in order to be successful, I needed to know my values, and then I needed to realize when I was not "walking my talk"... and THEN I needed to be brave enough to take steps to live in more values congruence.

Of course, I don't always lead with integrity; I can be vulnerable enough to say so. Right now, for instance, in the first few years of my professional career, I am struggling with my value of self-care and with making that congruent with my lifestyle. You see, working as a new professional in higher education, the temptation (and expectation) exists to work hard and often, and to branch out into as many different pieces of the profession as you can. The culture of student affairs for grads and new professionals is often to make work your life, as opposed to just having it be a part of your life. (I have blogged about this expectation here.) And so, as much as I am aware of and AGAINST the idea of over-commitment... I am honestly over-committed right now. I work too much; I am bad at separating work from my personal life; I am not good at saying "no." And while I love the opportunities that are on my plate right now, I am exhausted, which is making me less effective at carrying out the duties that are expected of me. I am walking the path to burnout, something that many new professionals in higher education experience (leading to a 50% "dropout" rate within five years). I have identified my values, I have identified that I am not living in congruence... but this time, taking the steps to live with integrity is more challenging than I could have imagined. I keep saying I'll address it, but then... I don't. How, though, does this show up to my students and colleagues? What does it mean for me to tell my students to go home and not spend the night in the office, when I'm working 60-hour weeks? What does it mean for me to tell my friends that I miss them, but then have to cancel on plans because I'm "too busy"? I am not showing up as the person I want to be, and that's a problem I need to face, head-on. It won't be easy, nor will it be much fun, but for my own integrity - and sanity - it's something that I need to step up and address, before it's too late.

I'm sure you can think of areas in your own life where you've lived and lead with integrity, and where you may have fallen short. I think it's time that we celebrate where we are showing up as the person we want to be, and that, when we fall down and make mistakes, we say "How fascinating!" and try again. Learning to live with integrity, to "walk my talk," is a challenge that won't be easy, but it is one that is vital to make me be the person (and leader) that I want to be. It is a challenge that will test my mettle, that may break me down more than once, but one that is worth it, and one that I want to undertake - and meet - each day for the rest of my life.

Day Five of LeaderShape served as a wake-up call for me to live with more integrity. Where are places in your life where you can better practice "walking your talk"? Where is it time for you to step up, say "This isn't me," and take steps to show up as the person who you want to be?

LeaderShape, Day Four: Bringing Vision to Reality

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three

Halfway through the week of LeaderShape, it's easy to feel exhausted. Not only are the days long - breakfast begins at 7:45 a.m. and the last piece of the day usually ends between 10 and 11 p.m., with faculty meetings after - but the experience is emotionally exhausting (in the best way possible). Participants are delving deeply into who they are, how they operate, and what drives them. LeaderShape is most definitely what many people call a "mountaintop experience" - the week feels like a bubble in which all participants grow and are encouraged, and then going back to the real world after can feel like a drag and a half.

That's why Day Four, "Bringing Vision to Reality," exists. On this day, not only do participants set some tangible goals and action plans to literally bring their LeaderShape vision to life, but they also get a few "reality-checks" throughout the day (the most meaningful of these is the activity Star Power, which happens at the end of the day... I won't go into detail about this activity, but if you've been through it, you know how wrenching and gut-checking it can be). You see, life is not as flowery and passionate and happy-go-lucky as LeaderShape can make it seem at times, and it's important that participants get a real and visceral reminder that their job is to be leaders in a world that is often unjust, harsh, and is imperfect. 

Totally a downer, right? Well, not entirely. Part of this message about reality is couched in a wonderful video called Radiating Possibility, which is about the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, Ben Zander. Zander is also a motivational speaker, and his messages about the world are both positive and powerful. (Here's a TED Talk from Zander if you want to get a picture of both the man and the message!)

Zander makes five points in his video, but the one I most remember and want to enact in my life is point #2: your life will be infinitely better if you see mistakes as "fascinating."

Isn't that a wonderful adage?

The world is NOT perfect, nor are we as human beings (and ESPECIALLY not as leaders). We're not going to make the right choices all the time; mistakes are inevitable. However, what if we viewed mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow, rather than life- (or career-) ending moments? What if, instead of blaming ourselves (or others) when mistakes happen, we instead say, "How fascinating!"

I am often a self-bully when it comes to making mistakes (see a blog post about my 2013 wake-up call here). I hold myself to a crazy-high standard of perfection, don't ask for help, and then panic when things go wrong. It's not a healthy way to live, nor is it productive. However, I am MILES better at handling mistakes than I used to be. My mom can attest to this - there would be moments when I would send her a LONG, self-defeatist email talking about how my life was over when I made a mistake. Thankfully, I am not quite at the same self-flagellant level as when I was a sophomore in college, but I still have a long way to go when it comes to handling my own imperfections.

Then, Mr. Zander comes along, with his suggestion to say, "How fascinating!" when something goes wrong instead of to blame or shame. What a beautiful message. Just think - how much more of an empathetic, understanding place would the world be if we were all able to view our mistakes (and others') as fascinating, rather than terrible?

Brene Brown, who I've talked about before, is a wonderful academic, author, and I recently had the INCREDIBLE opportunity to see her as the closing keynote speaker at a convention (and I plan to do a blogging series after I'm done with LeaderShape about her messages!). One of her main messages to her audience is to live a life of vulnerability, to "show up, be seen, [and] be loved." I think this ties deeply into seeing our mistakes as fascinating - rather than giving in to shame, let's own up to who we are and what we do; rather than dwelling in negativity, let's learn what we can from each day and move forward knowing that, not only will we try again next time, but that we are not the only ones making mistakes.

I leave you with a wonderful quote from Theodore Roosevelt, which inspired Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly (shared in a tweet by my good friend Valerie):

Love love the Theodore Roosevelt quote @BreneBrown #ACPA14 pic.twitter.com/3fyYxD4veM
— Valerie Heruska (@ValerieHeruska) April 2, 2014

Today, I challenge you: 

Will you see your mistakes as fascinating opportunities for you to grow?

Will you dare greatly, regardless of failure (or success)? 

LeaderShape, Day Three: Challenging What Is, Looking to What Could Be

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two

One of the most powerful pieces of the LeaderShape experience is that of the vision. All participants of LeaderShape take time during Day Three to create a vision of "the kind of world they want to see." When creating a vision, you start with two prompts: 

1. What do I care about? (my passion[s])

2. What do I want to create? (the future)

Then, you think about this question: 

"From what I care about, what would I want if I could invent a bold, new future?"

What a powerful experience for the college student participants that are on the retreat... and what a powerful experience for me as a facilitator. Not only was I privileged to hear the kinds of futures that the participants wanted to create - sustainable, filled with equality of all kinds, kind, happy, just - but I had the chance to reflect on MY vision, the kind of world that I would want to see.

The vision I created on LeaderShape was intensely personal to me (as many/most visions are). My passions include leadership, supporting and encouraging young women (especially college-aged, but not limited to), and positivity. If I could create a bold, new future where these passions were a part of everyday life, every young woman would have access to a role model mentor and a network of peers to support her in her aspirations. (Of course, I would love it if EVERY young person, regardless of gender, had access to this, but for the purposes of my passion and vision I wanted to focus on creating female leadership and support networks.)

Think about that future for a moment. Women are often limited by gender, whether it is because of societal assumptions about women, or social mores that apply to women, or - worst of all - because of being blocked out by other women. Female bullying and competition is a real problem (I have experienced it myself; that's a long story for a different time), but imagine a world where, instead of feeling like they have to compete for resources (whatever those are), young women are supported through their aspirations to achieve whatever they want to achieve. Whether she wanted to be a mother, dancer, astronaut, physicist, professor, singer, actor, entrepreneur, whatever; imagine the power in a young woman being told YES, especially by the other women in her life.

This is a future that I want to see. It's not the world that is, but it is the world that could be. And it's my job, as a leader in everyday life, to try to create that world, step by step. How am I supporting the women in my life, especially the young women with whom I work? How am I affirming them, saying "YES" to who they are and who they want to be? 

I want to end with this brilliant quote from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's TEDxEuston speech, which was sampled in the brilliant Beyonce's "***Flawless":

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: "You can have ambition, but not too much; you should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man."

A challenge to the women reading this - instead of teaching the women in your life to shrink, how are you affirming your sisters? How are we working together to create this bright, bold future where our young people are told "YES"?  

LeaderShape, Day Two: The Value of One, the Power of All

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.

LeaderShape makes a point to set a theme for each day of its Institute, and these themes all build upon one another and on the learning of the participants. Day One's theme is Building Community (see my blog post on Day One here, and on our faculty training on Day Zero here), and Day Two's theme is "The Value of One, the Power of All."

This is one of the most impactful themes of the LeaderShape experience for me. It ties nicely into the basis of my personal professional philosophy: I believe that every individual has inherent value. No matter where you come from, no matter your background, no matter what you do or what you look like, you matter. This is an important thought that I try to impress upon the college students I work with (and on my colleagues, friends, family members, etc.) - every person matters. Even if you don't like someone, even if you disagree with another person's beliefs or worldview, every person matters. 

But how do we balance that with building community? How can we possibly jibe the two concepts of individual self-worth and the larger importance of community as a whole?

Well, imagine a world where every person believes that they matter. Imagine a world where self-esteem is no longer an issue; where every young child is told from the moment they're born that they are valuable. Imagine how much kinder people would be if they weren't competing for attention or to have their voice heard, because they already knew that their perspective was valuable.

Even more than that, imagine a world where every person not only knew that THEY mattered, but also knew that every person on this planet matters. Your story is just one piece of the larger whole of life, and you are inextricably tied into every other life on this planet. 

Do you have chills thinking about that? I certainly do. 

And so, thinking back on Day Two of LeaderShape, I'm ecstatic that we spent a day reminding all our participants that they matter (on a one-to-one basis), and that THEY matter (as a collective whole). Despite the discriminations and hurtful words of their past, despite the pain of their upbringing and of growing up, despite every struggle that feels like it weighs on them every day, they matter.

Having these conversations reminded me that this concept - "the value of one, the power of all" - is a part of my personal philosophy, and that I want to enact more and more each day. How am I treating myself with kindness, because I matter? How am I treating others with kindness, to show them that THEY matter? 

Thank you, LeaderShape, for holding me accountable to this belief, and for giving us the chance to build into these participants that they are valuable, and together they are powerful.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

LeaderShape, Day One: Building Community

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.

LeaderShape is BIG about its verbiage; I'm learning a whole new lens and language this week as I'm facilitating this awesome experience. Day Zero was a faculty training day, and we (as a team of colleagues) worked on both understanding the curriculum so we can share it with our participants and on setting goals to stretch ourselves for the week. (See my Day Zero post here.)

Day One, the day that our student participants arrive, is a day that is all about Building Community. This is practiced in several ways - we share the mission of LeaderShape with our participants so they're all on the same page with us; we do TONS of icebreakers and teambuilders so we can start getting to know the whole LeaderShape community; and we break into our Family Clusters for the first time.

The Family Cluster (a.k.a. a small breakout group) are the discussion group that the participants work with for the duration of the Institute. Clusters can run anywhere from 8-15 people, and the groups serve as sounding boards, support networks, and a tight-knit group of people with whom the participants can interact, learn, and grow.

I am absolutely in awe of my family cluster. Freshmen through fifth-year seniors; domestic and international students; students who are privileged and students who have overcome (and are still overcoming) INSANE life obstacles... I've got the whole gamut. I won't go into detail about the things they already shared with me on NIGHT ONE, but I do want to applaud their bravery, authenticity, and vulnerability. These people went DEEP with me and with each other, and I don't think I can thank them enough for sharing their stories with me. I cannot WAIT to see where we are on Day Six versus Day One (although I am, of course, trying to live in the moment!), and I cannot wait to continue to learn from these amazing students.

My Cluster chose the name "Divergent" as our Family name, after the bestselling book/just-released film. For those of you who are unaware, Divergent is about a young woman who makes life choices centered around the discovery that she is more than who her society told her she is. That sums up my Cluster to a "T" - despite their backgrounds; despite the world trying to beat them down, each day they are trying to choose to be more than who they seem to be. 

LeaderShape is going to be a pretty special experience.

LeaderShape, Day Zero: Be present.

Note: This Spring Break, I am serving as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This is my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I want to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.

This semester has been a whirlwind so far, as spring semesters always are - my students that I work with on the Union Board turn over in January, so that month is spent meeting and beginning to train those students. February is full of more training, student programming, and IU's higher education & student affairs program (from which my office gets its graduate assistants) interviews. March is Spring Break and conference season, leading into April, which is full of the Little 500 races at IU, and then... boom. Finals week and summer. As I've gotten older, life has moved faster and faster, and spring semesters are especially NOT the exception to that rule. I've had to consciously practice taking time to stop and smell the roses, which is not something that I'm naturally good at. I like to be concerned about the future and where I'm going, instead of being present where I am.

This year, I have the opportunity to be a small-group facilitator on IU's LeaderShape Institute, a six-day immersive leadership retreat that encourages college students to work toward creating a thriving, just world; that teaches them that everyone is a leader regardless of position; and that gets all its participants to create a vision and action plan for the kind of future they would want to see.

Accompanying all of this are a lot of truisms that play into the LeaderShape experience. It's an immersive, "mountain-top" experience that gets participants to examine themselves deeply and ultimately ask the question, "Who do I want to be?" As someone who has a LOT of experience with immersive retreats, I love this format, but I also dread it. My natural tendency, especially in a facilitator position, is not to "stop and smell the roses" as I said above. I like to know what's next; I like to be self-assured in the material I'm covering; I like to step back from throwing myself into the experience in order to allow the people for whom I'm facilitating to have a more immersive experience themselves. But LeaderShape is NOT the kind of experience that allows that, and that's what I had to learn on Day Zero (faculty/facilitator training day).

One of LeaderShape's most-used truism is to "Trust the Process." Time and time again in my life, I've had to do that - with my graduate school search, with switching graduate assistantships, with my job search, with transitioning into being a young professional... and yet I never quite let it click for me until after it's all over. I worry and I stress, and I look to what's next instead of what's happening in that moment... and then I miss some absolutely critical, meaningful, and magical moments.

So that's one of my biggest challenges to myself this week (or, as LeaderShape calls it, a "GAG"- Going Against my Grain) - to live in the moment; to not stress about what's next but rather to be present in the here and now. In working with the participants from Day One through Day Six and beyond, I don't want to stress or to worry, but rather to experience this wonderful, reflective, challenging retreat alongside them.

I look to my fellow faculty members, and even my own small group (shoutout to you, Divergent!) to hold me accountable to this GAG, because I know it's going to be a challenge. But LeaderShape is about stretching yourself to allow for what could be... and the future is a bright one.

Yeah, it's THAT kind of blog post.

Also Entitled: Faith, Feminism, and the Search for "My Future Spouse."

Context: I received a text this evening with a link to a blog post (shoutout to Briarwood and the awesome text conversation that ensued!). This particular post is one of those viral Facebook open letters, entitled “To My Future Wife” (read it here). It starts out so nicely – a young man begins to write an open letter to his future wife (obviously), something that many in the Christian community like to do.* From the title, I didn’t know what to expect; I saw such potential in the idea behind the post. But then… it starts to go downhill. A lot. For the entire post.  So now, I’m gonna do the thing that always follows an open letter – I’m going to be the person that writes an open letter in response to an open letter. Enjoy!

*(Disclaimer: I have written notes to my future husband, if there is in fact a future husband for me, and I’m not embarrassed about it. I love the idea of being able to revisit a mindset from the past, and compare the actual person with the idea of a person from years prior. And I definitely love the idea of prayers for someone you haven’t met yet, and of general Christian encouragement. This post is not a critique about the format of this young man’s blog post, but rather its content, tenor, and overall perspective.)

My dear single Christian brothers,

I’m gonna cut right to the chase – growing up, the Christian church has taught us a lot about what it means to be godly men and godly women. Some of these things are spot-on and right in line with the teachings of Christ, and some of these things have been edited and bent and shifted based on the cultural and societal roles and mores of Christians throughout the centuries. History and society are what they are, but we need to be aware of society's role in faith as we move forward into the twenty-first century. I am a believer that God created men and women for different roles in life – why else would there be two biological sexes of humans? – but I am also a believer that God created man and woman to be partners and equals in all aspects of society, especially relationships. 

"So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it’” (emphasis mine; text Genesis 1:27-28, NIV).

Hello. My name is Cassidy, and I am Christian… and a feminist.

And here’s the thing, my brothers. While I adore and cherish each of you for wanting to be a warrior for your Christian sisters, and wanting to protect our hearts and minds, we need to have a conversation about what it actually means to be a man in the Christian faith. And while I may not be the most qualified person to give you an example of what TO do (that person would be Jesus), as a woman, I can give you several examples of how NOT to relate to Christian women as a Christian man, illustrated through responses to our brother Brett’s blog post points (again, read them here) as he writes to his future wife. While I'm sure his intentions were sound, his understanding of what it means to be a man in relation to a Christian woman is… not awesome.

So without further ado, here is a reminder of some things YOU should know in order to be the kind of godly man that even stands the tiniest chance at being in a successful, loving, caring, God-honoring, Christian relationship:

First and foremost, we may not get married. Like, ever. It’s a hard truth, but a truth it is. And we need to stop teaching our Christian youth that a “future spouse” is in the cards for every one of us. While I believe the union of two people is a beautiful sacrament, provided by God, I don’t think He intended every single person on this earth to be married. I DO believe in soulmates (be they spouses or just best friends), and I DO believe that God sets aside people that are going to be VERY important in your life. But, need I remind you? Jesus never married. The disciples never married (that we know of, at least). St. Paul never married (and one can even question his overall opinion of that sacrament). What do we know at the end of the day? Christ is our bridegroom (Isaiah 54:5, Revelation 19:7-9), end of story. Honestly, he’s the main spouse that I’m concerned about, and He should be your main concern, too.

Next: yes, my brothers, I am beautiful. I appreciate your affirmation of my self-esteem; that is wonderful that you want me to remember the source of my beauty. But here’s the thing with that – I’m not beautiful because you tell me I am. I am beautiful because my Jesus says I am, and because my Maker made me. My God “has loved [me] with an everlasting love” and has “drawn [me] with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3); I was created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27); God knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13); I am “altogether beautiful” (Song of Songs 4:7)… you get the picture. So while I admire your desire to keep encouraging your Christian sisters that the beauty standards of the world are unreasonable and unjust (because they definitely are) remember – that validation cannot and should not come from you. It needs to come from God, and from within. (Otherwise, you’re perpetuating the expectation that validation for female beauty has to come from men… get it?)

While we're on the subject of female beauty... First of all, my brothers, I appreciate your modesty, but we don’t need to refer to the human body as “goodies;” that starts the objectification off on a REALLY bad foot. (You only need to read Song of Songs once to know that sex is a beautiful and natural thing, so we can be adults and refer to the human body as… a body.) Secondly, again, while I appreciate your encouragement of the values of modesty and purity (which I personally hold very dear), it is not your role to police my body. In fact, that role only belongs to one person: “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” (1 Cor. 6:19-20). I will honor God first, foremost, and only, with my body. But that is MY choice, not yours. So, with all the love and admiration and respect that you have for guarding my heart and protecting my purity… no offense, guys, but it’s not yours to guard. I ask you instead to guard your OWN body and mind first. Be concerned with how YOUR choices and YOUR actions and YOUR thoughts affect the women in your life, not blaming them for your purity struggles. (And thirdly, just real fast, probably not the best idea to compare a living, breathing, human being – especially a woman – with a car. I am neither a Honda nor a Lamborghini, and the sooner you start realizing that women are not inanimate objects to be fawned over and owned, but rather your sisters in Christ and real humans with the same value as you, the better off you’re going to be.)

Onto the next one: yes, I am a princess. But here we go again – I’m not a princess because you say so, but rather because it’s a fact. “The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” (Romans 8:16-17, NIV). If God is the King – and He definitely is – then I’m a princess by default. But you know what the thing is about princesses? We don’t sit in towers, waiting to be rescued by our Prince Charming. I already got rescued by the Savior of the World, thank you very much, and so did you. We don’t need to talk about “rescuing” each other; it takes away the focus from the real Hero of our story. 

Here's another thing - have you even READ the Bible? I’m pretty sure God’s past princesses have taken care of God’s creation (Eve), 

helped spies take down a city (Rahab), 

ruled Israel (Deborah), 

killed the enemies of God (Jael), 

saved their people from extinction (Esther), 

stayed faithful when the whole world turned against them (Mary), 

washed the feet of Jesus with their tears (Mary Magdalene), 

given all their worldly possessions to God (the widow with two coins), 

been some of the most influential founders of the Christian church outside Judea (Lydia, Priscilla, Phoebe, Mary, Tryphena, Tryphosa, Persis, etc.)… 

I’ll stop there. You get where I’m going with this. Yes, you’re going to have to fight for me, because my heart already belongs to my God. But if you want a woman who’s sitting in a tower waiting for you, you’re running after the wrong kind of woman. I, and my Christian sisters with me, am out in the field fighting dragons and having adventures all on my own. My Prince is already on my side, and our battle is already in full swing. Are you ready to join the adventure with us?

Don’t you worry, my brothers. I’ll make you work for my heart. Oh boy, will you have to work. Because like I said, my heart already belongs to Someone very special. “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (Ps. 84:2, NIV). “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my fortress, I will never be shaken” (Ps. 62:1-2, NIV). “[God] sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; God sends his love and his faithfulness” (Ps. 57:3 NIV). Honestly, I don’t want a man who pines every minute for me; I want a man who pines every minute for our Savior. I want a man who wants to be more like Jesus. I deserve more than a gentleman, and you deserve more than a woman who just wants chivalry (and who waits around to get it from the world, rather than seeking the heart of the One who loves us more than anything in this world). Let’s all strive to be a little more like Jesus, huh? Jesus said himself, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment” (Matthew 22:37, NIV).

No, love isn’t easy, my brothers. I know it, because my Savior died for the love of us, and that’s not an easy thing to do for someone. I know from my Bible studies, and from living my life, that love is a choice each day, to be patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, not keeping a record of wrongs, not delighting in evil, rejoicing in truth, always projecting, always trusting, always hoping, always persevering (2 Cor. 13:4-7, NIV). So thank you for being honest and up-front about the difficult nature of love, but here’s what I need to know – are you, as Christian men, going to make those same choices every day, based in a deep-rooted desire to honor God? Because that’s what I want.

To sum, my brothers, I love and appreciate you for what you are trying to do when you write these open letters to your Christian sisters. It takes immense courage to stand up for your convictions and beliefs; it takes even more courage to lovingly rebuke someone in the name of Christ, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:5). But that’s why I’m coming to you today – to speak the truth in love. I am asking you to check your privilege, and check your heart, that your rebukes come from a place of love, and not from a place of jealousy, envy, bitterness, command, power, or entitlement. When you speak to your Christian sisters, remember that though we may be different from you, we are not weak. We belong to the Lion of Judah, just as you do; we are warriors for Christ, just as you are. And just like us, you need to be saved, rescued, and loved with an everlasting love.

Here’s the happy ending to that story: we already have a Lover of our souls, and He’s waiting for us every moment of every day, to turn to Him and run into His arms.  My challenge to ALL my Christian brothers and sisters is this – can we stop putting each other on a pedestal, and start worshiping the Person who matters most? Let’s re-frame the conversation to be a bit more about Christ and a bit less about our “perfect mate.” 

Even more, let’s re-frame our language to speak about each other as equals and as co-heirs in Christ, as brothers and sisters, and NOT as objects or prizes to be won. But above all, keep the faith, and “encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thess. 5:11).

With all my love in Christ,

-Cassidy