Perception is Reality

Although a cliche phrase, the words "perception is reality" have taken on a new meaning for me in the past year and half of my professional work.

My profession, student affairs, focuses deeply on concepts like authenticity, intentionality, self-authorship, and clear interpersonal communication. I think these concepts are important, especially in my work with college students. I want them to learn how to be their own authentic selves. I want them to be internally driven rather than externally motivated. I want them to make their own decisions and choices, and be willing to stand up and speak up for those choices. I want them to learn how to present themselves in a way that is authentic, and professional, and that will lead to their success and happiness after they graduate.

Even more than that, I want to role model these behaviors for my students. I want to be intentional in my interactions with them, to not waste a moment we have together. I want to be authentic with them, so they know I'm a real person who cares about them, not just a "mom" figure or someone who says "no" or who challenges them constantly. I want them to engage in open dialogue with me, to critically listen to what I say and then critically think about the choices and decisions they make as a result. I want to give them constructive feedback, to let them know when they are doing well, and how they can grow and learn from their choices. I want to role model these concepts for my colleagues, too - to be known among my peers as someone who says what she means and means what she says; someone who is real and who really cares.

If I've learned anything as a communication major, higher education and student affairs graduate student, and student affairs professional, though, it's that, to borrow another oft-quoted phrase, "The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley." Or, for those of us who don't often use Scottish colloquialisms, even the most well-planned or well-intentioned actions or words don't always come across they way we want.

We can be the best-meaning people. We can want the best for the people we interact with on a daily basis. We can truly be authentic and be ourselves in our interactions with others. But we cannot plan for others' perceptions of us.

How many times have you sent an email that you meant to be kind in tone or generally without emotion, that was received as an attack? How many times have you asked a genuinely curious question, that was received as a criticism? How many times have you done something for someone as a kindness or because you normally would do it, and they take it that you don't trust them or that you're overstepping your boundaries?

These are just small examples of what I've learned in many ways during these first 2 years of my professional work - perception is reality. Even if I am the most authentic and intentional and REAL person that I can be, I cannot plan for or compensate for how others will see me, react to me, or think of me. So often, we find ourselves doing damage control for something that wasn't even meant to be negative or something that was perceived in COMPLETELY the wrong way. Even so, the negativity was perceived by the other person (or other people), and so has become the reality of the situation. Perception is reality.

To a point, it's futile to worry about this. As I said, we most often cannot plan for how others will react to us. I think it'd be a mistake to take this TOO far in the other direction, and to be so worried about how others will react to us that we forget to be real, authentic, and internally motivated. But I've learned some ways to counter this often-negative reality, that perception is reality...

1. Awareness: As the adage goes, the first step to fixing your problem is admitting you have one. Knowing that the way others perceive you is important, and knowing that their perception may not (probably will not) match your presentation of yourself is even more important. Because this awareness can lead you to...

2. Proactivity: Another VERY important lesson that I've learned over the past 2 years is from Deb Dunbar, IU's Director of Organizational Development Services: "You cannot hold someone accountable unless you have set expectations for them." In any partnership, relationship, whatever, setting expectations is CRITICAL for governing how interactions will go in the future. Unless you've clarified for the other person what you expect from them - and what they expect from you - you cannot have feedback conversations. Which leads to my next point...

3. Willingness to have "the tough conversation": As a fairly emotional person, I used to shy away from conflict. I would bottle up my emotions and negative feelings, and then unleash them all at once in huge, knock-down drag-out tear-filled arguments. It has taken adulthood - college, graduate school, and my first real jobs - to learn how to be (more) comfortable with conflict. It has taken time to learn that conflict doesn't necessarily mean an argument or fight; conflict simply can mean addressing tension, miscommunication, or misunderstanding. This is SO key to being able to handle the fact that "perception is reality": once an action is misconstrued or a conversation misunderstood, there's no amount of proactivity that can fix it; you're flying on reactivity alone. But within this reaction, it HAS to be your choice to be an adult and to address the misunderstanding as soon as possible. While someone else's perception of you may have taken a negative turn, the only way that you can correct that perception is if you address it. And while some may quote Dr. Seuss - "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - the reality of life is that we don't live in a vacuum. We live lives that constantly intersect with others'; human beings are innately social creatures that rely on our relationships to live, work, and love. We cannot write off others' perceptions of us (especially negative ones) as "no matter."

Again, my caveat with this is that we can't let others' perceptions of us rule our lives. For while their perceptions are reality, ours are too! And the only way to address differing perceptions? Talk about it. Share your story, who you are, why you do what you do. Listen to someone else's story. Be open to understanding others and their reality. Reconcile differences. Be proactive in building positive relationships in and for the future.

As the great actress Ellen Page just said (albeit in a completely different context): "This world would be a whole lot better if we just made an effort to be less horrible to one another." The first step in building a world of understanding is to open yourself up to understanding other people. 

How are you going to make the choice today to open yourself up to others' perceptions and reality? How are you going to make this reality a better place, today and every day?

Worrywart

Alright, confession time: I have found it extraordinarily liberating to take part in the #OneWord movement for the past couple of years, for the particular reason that it supplants having to make new year's resolutions. Instead of making a list of all the things I'm going to do better in the new year (and inevitably disappointing myself; let's be honest, it's HARD to keep those resolutions when all that Valentine's Day chocolate rolls around), I like the idea of living my year based on just one word. Of course, I make goals and plans that relate to living my life centered around this word, but it's infinitely easier to make goals when they have a theme.

Now, though, we get into the hard part. Confession #2: I HATE making goals for myself. I love the idea of setting goals--it's something to work toward! Something to focus on! Something to achieve! But in practice, I set this big ol' goal... and then I get scared. I get scared that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. I worry that I will not achieve the goal in the best way, or in a timely manner. I worry that I will let myself and others down in trying to achieve the goal and failing. 

A perfect example for you--this year, I want to focus on simplicity as my #OneWord2014. During my day off yesterday, I started to make some goals surrounding simplicity, plans for how to make my life easier, more straightforward, and better this year. One of these aforementioned goals is to have a better handle on my finances, especially my student loan debt, and to have a mental picture of what I'm responsible for as well as for how long I'll be responsible. So I get onto some federal student loan websites... and immediately start panicking. This is all incomprehensible. Why do they not explain this stuff to you when you sign up? Is there a human being on this planet who can intelligibly explain this nonsense to me? WHAT IF I'M SADDLED WITH THESE LOANS FOREVER?!? (If you've ever tried to grasp the concept of loan consolidation by yourself, you can probably empathize with these sentiments.)

Here I am, wanting to make my life more simple, easier... and my goal-setting methods (you know, normal things like "research" and "action steps") are only making me more confused, feel more stupid, and feel more irresponsible than I did when I began. And then I get discouraged... what's the good of setting goals if they're just going to terrify me, and set me up for more worry and more stress than I had previously? This process is extraordinarily self-defeating and disheartening for me.

I wanted to blog about this because I'm guessing I'm not alone in my detestation for this process. It's easy to feel discouraged and disheartened when a big journey or big task is ahead. So how do I overcome this fear, this stress, this overwhelmed feeling when I have tasks ahead of me? 

To be honest, that's part of what this year of simplicity is about--trying to ease the feeling of drowning, and get to the problem at its core. For me, then, the solution is multifaceted, and will need to be practiced and discussed over the coming year, and I plan to find accountability partners who will help me with the process. Here's my plan to lessen the worry and to ease the fear in 2014:

1. Pray more. Faith, as I've mentioned, is a BIG part of my life, and a big lesson that I've been learning recently is that I take a lot on myself and entrust very little to God. However, a huge part of maturing in the Christian faith is learning how to let go of the little things, and to let God sweat the small stuff. If my faith tells me that "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Rom. 8:28), then it's my job to practice believing and acting on that. To overcome the fear, I want my mantra to be what the wonderful Sarah Young said in her devotional, Jesus Calling: "Anxiety is a result of envisioning the future without [God]." If God is there, and I believe He will be, then there will be no need for worry. All I can do is offer my fear and worries up in prayer, and then let. them. go.

2. Ask for help. At times, I'm really good at asking for help. For example, when I had my mini-panic about my student loans, one of the first things I did was call my parents. They may not have a lot of concrete information about how the whole loan consolidation thing works, but they are calm and cool-headed in times when I am not, and they often help me think of small action steps that I can take to surmount big problems. Not only that, but they are sympathetic listeners, and eager to help me attack my problems. Seeking others' advice is something I need to practice more in other aspects of my life. I need to be more honest when I am feeling overwhelmed, and to seek others' perspectives and advice when I have a problem or when I feel confused or anxious. That's what family and community are for, after all--to support each other. I hope and expect that my friends and family can bring their problems to me for a sympathetic ear and good ol' strategic thinking session; I should reciprocate instead of trying to handle all my problems on my own (balancing, of course, actually asking for help vs. constantly complaining about life's hardships). 

3. One small step. This is something I counsel the students I work with on often, but in all honesty find it hard to practice myself--small action steps. Whenever I set a goal, I get so lost in how big the overall goal is that I often get intimidated and turn away. A thousand miles is a LONG way to walk (and no, I'm not getting all Proclaimers or Vanessa Carlton on you right now). But, to cite that oft-used metaphor: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. What is the one, small, easy, simple thing that I can do right now to start toward my goal? 

Hopefully, by practicing--and repeating--Steps 1-3 above, I can work toward lessening the worry and anxiety I often feel over the coming year. I want life to be simple and full of joy, not stressful and scary (as it often already is on its own). 

What are some methods that you use to overcome anxiety and worry in your life? How are you planning to be less stressed in 2014?

Dealing With the Stuff

As you probably know quite well by now, my #OneWord for 2014 is simplicity (read about why I picked it here). In these first six days of the year, the word has been treating me well--I've been thinking about how to be honest about my limitations and learn from them, and also how to take it easier on myself. I've started simple habits of budget management (i.e. better tracking of my spending using mint.com and GoogleDocs), and I've been drinking lots of water.

Really, I decided that this first month of 2014 was going to be key in habit formation. In order to live a simpler life in 2014, one that is natural, unembellished, sincere, and straightforward, I want to practice good habits that will make my life easier and that will embody simplicity. Some of these habits are emotional, mental, and spiritual--taking it easier on myself, as previously mentioned; blogging more (which you can see I've already been following up on!); taking time each day for Bible study. Some of the habits, though, are physical, and not only things I am doing for my physical self (i.e. drinking water), but also habits that involve the physical space around me.

Toward the end of 2013 (a.k.a. about a week and a half ago), part of the thinking that led me to realize that I wanted to focus on simplicity in the coming year was that I kept being drawn to blogs, Pinterest boards, and life tips that inspired me to clean, declutter, and focus on minimalism. Whenever I look at design blogs like this one, or read lifestyle blogs like this one, it makes me want to live a life that is that aesthetically and mentally pleasing--a place for everything and everything in its place, a home that is welcoming and calming and restful. Part of achieving those goals for me is decluttering and streamlining; thus, my goal of simplicity.

Well, this weekend proved a wild one weather-wise here in Bloomington (current temperature outside: -8 degrees Fahrenheit), so I got started on my decluttering in short order. I decided to clean out my bedroom closet and dresser yesterday, and had a grand old time doing it.

The good news: I ended up with enough junk to toss to make 3 trips to the dumpster and enough stuff to donate to Goodwill to fill 2 bags (and counting).

The bad news: I am quite a sentimental creature, so there are some things I won't (can't, refuse to) part with. I have a cardboard box in my closet that has memory scraps from the past 15 years of my life (someday I'll do something with them. Someday). I have an AWFUL time getting rid of clothes; I can always convince myself that I'll wear something again. I keep old instruction/owner's manuals (you NEVER know when you're going to need them), I keep copies of bills and invoices for a year (again, should the IRS decide to audit me or something I'll HAVE to have them), and I even keep old journals and planners (want to know what I was up to on January 6th five years ago? I can probably tell you).

Acknowledging this weakness of sentimentality, though, I accomplished some small victories yesterday, and I decided small victories and joys are what count for this year. (In fact, I'm keeping an "it's the little things" jar in my living room to track some small victory and/or joy each day of the year.) I am now fully aware of everything that is in my closet, something that I did not know 24 hours ago. I have made room for more stuff, should more stuff enter my life (because, let's be real, there will ALWAYS be more stuff). I have ruthlessly thrown away or donated things that I really didn't need to keep; I have made a small move toward more simplicity in 2014.

This year will require me dealing with lots of stuff, I think, in order to live a simpler life--physical stuff, emotional stuff, mental stuff, spiritual stuff. But my goal of living a sincere, natural, and easy life in 2014 is more important to me than all the clutter in my life, and so the best I can do is make small steps each day to achieve my goal!

How are you dealing with your stuff in 2014? What small steps are you taking each day to accomplish your goals, hopes, and dreams for the year?

How Does the Defendant Plead?

Thanks to my older brother, I've been watching "one of the greatest" (it's pretty darn great) shows to ever be on television: "The Wire." (If you have HBOGo, I highly recommend a watch. But be warned, it's addicting!) One of my very favorite characters on the show is Rhonda Pearlman, an Assistant State's Attorney for Maryland. She is tough, she is sassy, and she is an amazingly strong female character on a largely male-dominated show.

The Queen, Rhonda Pearlman

I bring up Ronnie today because I've been thinking a lot this morning about the idea of guilt. Or, as dictionary.com puts it, "a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, wrong, crime, etc., whether real or imagined."

As I've gotten older, I've dealt more and more with guilt in relation to how I spend my time. Whenever I sleep in, as I did this morning (11 a.m., yeesh!), I feel guilty that I've wasted half my day. Whenever I decide to spend the day at home, I feel guilty that I'm missing time with friends. Whenever I want to binge-watch "The Wire," I feel guilty that I could be spending my time in better pursuits. But where does this guilt come from? Why am I feeling remorseful for the above actions? In the spirit of my #OneWord2014, simplicity, I wanted to think about this today.

As I've been reflecting, I often hold myself to ridiculously high standards of perfection in many areas of my life, and these standards are taking their toll. Whenever I make a mistake, I berate myself for it, much longer than anyone else would. Whenever I feel irresponsible--for example, sleeping in half a day, or spending my time binge-watching a TV show instead of doing other, more "responsible" things--I spend my time wrapped in anxiety that I'm not getting things done instead of enjoying leisure time. My personal standards of "adulthood," of "responsibility," have started to take their toll on my mental wellness. So instead of enjoying my recharging time on a Saturday (as an introvert, I NEED time to recharge by myself), I spend half the day laying around and the other half scolding myself for being so lazy. This is NOT healthy. I know I need the quiet time, the recharge time. So why not simply let myself be? Why not let my weekends be a simple time of rest, of catching up on TV shows that I like? I mean, clearly, if I'm sleeping 'til 11 a.m., my body needs the rest. So why do I get so down on myself for enjoying time off? Life does not CONSTANTLY have to be about going, doing, creating, achieving. Sometimes, we all need some well-deserved simple time to breathe.

Don't get me wrong--I don't want to and don't plan to use my OneWord as an excuse to become a lazy bum. Living my life more in more simplicity in 2014 does not mean that I'm going to slack off in my every day life, or cut corners because it's easier. In fact, a huge part of my plan for this year is to create good habits for taking care of myself and for getting things done.

Even so, I've realized that I hold myself to perfection and that standard is creating unnecessary anxiety, worry, and guilt in my life, so this year needs to be spent in pursuit of simplicity--what is natural, what is easy to understand and to deal with,  what is sincere--and learning to let myself off the hook in order to be able to breathe, exist, just LIVE. I want to pursue a natural and straightforward life, not one full of stress.

So instead of going all Ronnie Pearlman on myself--and believe me, that woman KNOWS how to prosecute a criminal--I'm going to negotiate a deal. I'm going to plead "not guilty" for enjoying time to rest, to think, to just enjoy a TV show. I'm going to try to build a habit of NOT persecuting myself for needing down-time. I'm also going to multitask; to put in a load of laundry as a new episode of "The Wire" is starting, to make my bed and do a little cleaning before I get to turn on the TV, to pause in midafternoon for a grocery store run instead of staying inside all day.

In the spirit of simplicity, I'm going to try to live 2014 with less worry, less anxiety, and less guilt. Life is hard enough already; why try to make it harder? As "The Wire's" brilliant Detective Bunk says, "Every man got to have a code." My code for this year is to allow myself room to BREATHE, and to not punish myself for all those silly imagined offenses of irresponsibility.

How are you going to let yourself plead "not guilty" more this year? What are the negotiations you make in order to enjoy your balance time, your "me-time"?

From Self-Reliance to Sharing Gifts

As I've blogged about before, my faith is incredibly important to me. Today's post starts with a Bible verse, but then expands into a life lesson that I hope to live by for this year, and that I hope proves valuable for some of you reading this blog!

I was doing my daily Bible study yesterday, New Year's Day, in order to try to keep true to my #OneWord2014 of "Simplicity"; in this case, getting back to the basics of what's important (i.e. my faith). My daily devotional led me to the book of Romans (the letter from Paul to the new Christians in Rome, which talks all about the basic building blocks of Christianity, which at the time of writing was a brand new faith), Chapter 12. I'll include the text that inspired me below:

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. (Romans 12:3-6, NIV)

As I've blogged about in the past couple of days, 2013 was a wake-up call for me. As I've been reflecting, I realized that I have formed the habit of holding myself to impossibly high standards, and then trying to accomplish EVERYTHING by myself. I try to put forth this facade of perfectionism, of knowing everything, of confidence and self-esteem, honestly in hopes that people will perceive me that way (and thus I'll start trusting myself in those areas... fake it 'til you make it, right?). But, over the past week, I've been realizing what a MESS holding myself to this high standard has made me. By expecting perfection of myself (something NO ONE ELSE does), and by expecting that I'll be able to handle everything on my own all the time, I've undermined my own confidence and certainty. I've been building this beautiful outer shell, but not dedicating any time to working on building a strong foundation. And because of this, the outer shell I've built is starting to crack.

I share this with all of you in the spirit of honesty, of freedom from deceit or guile that my #OneWord2014 (simplicity) signifies. I hope that by identifying the areas in my life where I'm hiding, where I'm being dishonest, where I'm not being vulnerable, I can completely break away my false outer shell and let my inner light shine.

Here's where the Bible verse above comes back in: I want to think of myself in sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given me. I want to be honest with myself about what I can truly accomplish on my own, and know when to seek help for all the rest. I want to know when to be confident in my own skills, and when to go to God for reassurance about my weaknesses. Or, in the words of another, simpler (because in 2014 I love simplicity!) translation, "...I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought [not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him." (Romans 12:3, Amplified Bible) I want to be clear and open and honest about where I'm failing and falling. I want to be truthful with myself that, while I am learning and while I am capable, I CANNOT do everything by myself. Because of my Christian faith, I want to go to God for the strength to learn from my mistakes, and to use that faith to grow and rely more fully on God and move forward.

And here's where the hopeful bit comes in. The rest of the passage above talks about how, as humans, we have a body with MANY parts, and all of those parts serve an important, indispensable function. In the same way, in the Christian faith, in the "body of believers" EVERY person (member) serves an important, indispensable purpose, because God has endowed each of us with special gifts and talents that are unique ONLY to us. It is then our job to bring those talents to the table, and serve others (and, most importantly, God).

Even if you have a different faith than mine, or faith isn't your thing, I think there's a powerful message we can gain from this. Human beings are amazing, miraculous creatures, capable of exploring deep oceans and flying to the moon and bringing forth life and saving ecosystems. But, we are also limited. We have a finite number of hours in the day in which we can do work before we have to crash and sleep. We have a finite number of years on this earth before our lives are done. So we have to take HONEST stock of ourselves (to "think of ourselves in sober judgment," if you will), to understand what our limitations are.

However, even acknowledging those limitations, even living with those limitations, every human being on this planet is important and indispensable. We all have talents, strengths, gifts, whatever you want to call them, and in order to make this world a better place, I am a FIRM believer that it's our job to bring those talents and gifts to the table to serve other people.

So, I'm going to be more honest about my limitations this year. I'm going to stop trying to be so self reliant, to ask for help more, to try to learn from my failures and mistakes. BUT I'm ALSO going to seek to utilize my strengths more, and to hone my gifts. There are things that I'm bad at, and I need to be okay with that, but there are also things that I'm good at, that I need to be thankful for. And I owe everyone--family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, students, strangers, everyone--my time, my talents, and my treasures. Gifts are meant to be shared. Light is meant to shine.

In 2014, I'm trying to go back to the basics, to find simplicity--what is natural, what is unembellished, what is sincere. Two important parts of this quest will be (1) acknowledging and being honest about my limitations, but also (2) bringing my gifts to bear, and using BOTH my strengths and weaknesses to love and serve others better and more this year.

How can you acknowledge and learn from your limitations this year? How will you utilize your strengths more? How will you let your light shine brighter in 2014?

My #OneWord2014

I've posted previously about the #oneword phenomenon: you choose One Word by which you will live your year. In 2012, my #oneword was "Believe" (see the year in review here) and in 2013, my #oneword was "Center" (see the year in review here).

As you may be able to tell from my post, my 2013 OneWord was not quite as successful as I'd hoped, in that I didn't end the year a more centered, calm, rational, confident human being. In fact, quite the opposite--I ended 2013 more unsure of myself than perhaps I've ever been before. But, ultimately, I decided that that is okay. Don't they (although I don't know who "they" are) always say that your twenties are a time for questioning, for failing and falling and picking yourself back up again, for making mistakes and learning from them? I've never really allowed myself to do that before; in fact, at the end of 2013 I realized that I really am rather hard on myself. I expect confidence, I expect perfection, I expect my life to be together at all times. And that is SIMPLY not how life WORKS, ya know? Life is messy, and hard, and just when you think you're on the up-and-up you trip and stumble and fall. But life can also be beautiful and gorgeous and silly and fun and just when you think you're stuck in a hole, a loved one jumps in the hole with you and shows you the way out (yes, that's a "West Wing" reference. You're welcome).

So for 2014, I've decided to be okay with the crazy roller coaster that we call life. I've decided to do my best to improve myself and my circumstances, to love others around me, and to be okay when things get messy. In order to support myself with this new mantra, I've picked a OneWord for 2014. Are you ready?

My #OneWord2014 is: simplicity.

How beautiful, right? Just the word "simplicity" itself rolls off your tongue, and makes you feel like life is going to be okay.
To help direct my reflections and my action plan, I turned toward the ever-brilliant dictionary.com for my definitions.
1. the state, quality, or an instance of being simple (i.e. easy to understand, not elaborate or artificial, unadorned, natural, unembellished)
2. freedom from complexity, pretentiousness, etc.
3. freedom from deceit or guile; sincerity

THOSE are the things I want in 2014. Understanding, authenticity, sincerity, freedom from complexity. I want to clear my life of the clutter, and of all the extras that I don't need, and to get back to the basics of what is TRULY important.

I acknowledge that life is hard, and that life can be complicated. BUT, and here's the thing, I ALSO know that I can choose my response to life's hardness. I can choose my reaction. I can choose how I live my days; I can practice sincerity and understanding and freedom from complexity in order to try to bring a little understanding back into my own life. I won't and can't know everything, I won't and can't understand everything. But if life were a little more simple, a little more direct, a little more natural, mightn't we be happier, more joyful? Isn't it worth a try?

So here are some of the ways I'm going to practice simplicity in 2014.

• Overall living: be okay with falling & failure. worry less. pray more. be kinder to myself. celebrate small victories and joys. 
• Health: try to find good habits that fit my life. pre-cook meals so that lunches during the week are easier and less stressful (and I'll be less inclined to eat unhealthfully). drink more water.
• Home: pare down unneeded possessions. donate to those more needy than I. begin good cleaning habits to keep my home in better repair. 
• Work: utilize my Outlook calendar to plan out task completion. plan for interruptions so they're less off-putting. ask for help more. be more honest and direct with my co-workers and students. 
• Finances: simplify, simplify, simplify, especially in regard to impulse buys. save more.
• Family & Friends: write more. call more. love more.
• Work/Life Balance: create good habits of me-time, friend-time, and God-time. journal and blog more (to reflect more). set aside time to look ahead so I feel more prepared for each week.

As you can see, some of the key things that this year will include are clearing the noise and clutter, building good habits, being sincere and honest, and being okay when things don't go perfectly. I think that last one will really be the key to living, loving, and learning in 2014: life will NOT be perfect OR perfectly simple. But the more I can do to learn when things go wrong, the better. And the more I can be honest with myself and with others about who I am and what I'm learning, the better.

I think practicing simplicity in 2014 will, more than anything, come down to learning how to live in the moment. Life will get complicated, it always does. But there is and always will be some small joy to celebrate in each moment of each day. I can't spend too much of my time looking back, missing or regretting the past, nor looking forward, worrying or trying to conquer the future. The most I can do is just LIVE. 

Looking Back at 2013

I guess I've got Einstein and his Theory of Relativity (no, by following that link I do NOT expect you to understand what the heck that Wikipedia article is talking about, but it's worth a shot) to thank for the fact that 2013 sped by faster than any other year I've lived yet. And it was QUITE a year. Some amazing things happened, some... not so amazing things happened. So it's time for my now-annual year-in-review post (see here for 2012's review).

I don't know what I was expecting with 2013. Again, there were some BIG milestones to celebrate:

• My big brother got married, and I got to welcome a WONDERFUL new sister-in-law (and her family) into ours!
• I turned 25, quarter-life crisis included, and got to visit the Pacific Northwest (Portland, to be specific) and some of my BEST friends for my birthday.
• I survived my first year in my first full-time job. Miracle, in and of itself.
• I actually played a sport. Not well, but the point is I played.
• I joined a sorority as an alumna initiate, and I LOVE my new sisterhood.

All that aside, 2013 was... I don't know how to say this, other than 2013 was HARD. And I know I'm not alone in this. I've talked to a lot of other people--family, friends, coworkers--and a lot of them seem to agree with me that there was just something CHALLENGING about this year. I can't quantify exactly what was so hard; if I start going into all the individual problems I've had, this will turn into a #firstworldproblems post and that is the LAST thing I want.

Let me just sum up this year by saying that I was hoping... I expected... to finish out this year more confident, more self-actualized, more sure of who I am and of why I'm where I am and of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just knew that finishing out my first year of work would make me a more competent and confident professional; that turning 25 would clue me in to ALL of life's mysteries and secrets. 

Hell, I even chose "center" as my #oneword2013 (I never ended up blogging about it, if that gives you any indication of what a cluster this year ended up being, but you can see references to my #oneword2012 here, here, and here). I was going to use this year to center myself on and deepen my relationship with God (as you can see previously, my faith is VERY important to me); I was going to pray more, read my Bible more, just TALK with God more. But honestly--and after a recent conversation with my excellent and loving parents, I believe in being open and vulnerable about this--I am in a worse place, a bigger crisis of faith, right now than I have been in a LONG time. At least throughout my (seemingly) interminable job search last year, I felt confident and sure that God was going to come through; that I would end up in EXACTLY the right place with EXACTLY the right job, for EXACTLY the right reasons. God and I talked all the time; even when the answer I heard was "no" or "wait," I was still sure that He was answering.

But now? I'm, honestly, not sure. I've heard "wait" so much and so often that I'm not even sure WHAT I'm supposed to be waiting for. I like my job, I like my town, I love my new friends and acquaintances that I've met. But why am I here? What am I getting out of this experience? Most importantly, what in all green goodness am I actually contributing to my environment? Am I making my workplace better? Am I making my students' lives better? Am I bringing more happiness and joy and love to the lives of my friends and family?

I'm in the metaphorical wilderness right now. (Listen to this song by the O.C. Supertones to get a feel for EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.)

I am, in fact, LESS confident than I was this time last year. I'm LESS sure, LESS certain of almost everything (except about those who love and support me--I am trusting in you guys more than ever!). 

But, here's the tl;dr of this post: I'm using this last day of 2013 to decide that it's okay that I'm insecure. I am deciding that, even if I'm sure that everything happens for a reason, I don't know those reasons and I'm kind of mad about it. And I'm deciding that it's okay that I'm mad about not knowing those reasons. I'm deciding that I'm going to own my vulnerability even more than I usually do. You see, I'm a big fan of Brene' Brown's work "Daring Greatly" (something my friend Michael has been blogging about too; you can read his stuff here!), and up until this year, I would have told you that I am one of the most vulnerable people I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve; one of the Strengths that has shown up all 4 times I've taken StrengthsQuest has been Empathy, for heaven's sake. I've prided myself about my ability to feel what others are feeling, and to be open and honest about those emotions.

But what I've learned this year is that I'm NOT really open about those things. I'm not honest about when I feel like I've made a mistake, or messed something up, or when I feel stupid or wrong or bad. I try to hide behind this shell of togetherness; I like to pretend that I know what I'm talking about and that I've got my life together and that I can take care of EVERYONE ELSE without taking care of myself.

But, 2013 has CERTAINLY pulled that rug out from under me. And I'm deciding today, December 31, 2013, that I'm going to be okay.

I don't have my life together... and that's okay.

I don't know everything about everything... and that's okay.

I'm not sure what 2014 will bring to me... and that's okay.

2013 was a mess, I was (am) a mess. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. The sun will rise, the world will turn, I'll learn something new every day. 2014 is a year full of hope, a blank slate, a chance to start fresh with a new attitude. It's a chance to be okay with myself when I'm not perfect, to learn anything and everything I can from every moment, and to try to grow and live and be. 

So happy new year, everyone. May 2014 bring more blessings, more truth, more love, more hope, more faith into your lives (and mine) than we ever could want or need.