LeaderShape, Day Zero: Be present.

Note: This Spring Break, I am serving as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This is my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I want to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.

This semester has been a whirlwind so far, as spring semesters always are - my students that I work with on the Union Board turn over in January, so that month is spent meeting and beginning to train those students. February is full of more training, student programming, and IU's higher education & student affairs program (from which my office gets its graduate assistants) interviews. March is Spring Break and conference season, leading into April, which is full of the Little 500 races at IU, and then... boom. Finals week and summer. As I've gotten older, life has moved faster and faster, and spring semesters are especially NOT the exception to that rule. I've had to consciously practice taking time to stop and smell the roses, which is not something that I'm naturally good at. I like to be concerned about the future and where I'm going, instead of being present where I am.

This year, I have the opportunity to be a small-group facilitator on IU's LeaderShape Institute, a six-day immersive leadership retreat that encourages college students to work toward creating a thriving, just world; that teaches them that everyone is a leader regardless of position; and that gets all its participants to create a vision and action plan for the kind of future they would want to see.

Accompanying all of this are a lot of truisms that play into the LeaderShape experience. It's an immersive, "mountain-top" experience that gets participants to examine themselves deeply and ultimately ask the question, "Who do I want to be?" As someone who has a LOT of experience with immersive retreats, I love this format, but I also dread it. My natural tendency, especially in a facilitator position, is not to "stop and smell the roses" as I said above. I like to know what's next; I like to be self-assured in the material I'm covering; I like to step back from throwing myself into the experience in order to allow the people for whom I'm facilitating to have a more immersive experience themselves. But LeaderShape is NOT the kind of experience that allows that, and that's what I had to learn on Day Zero (faculty/facilitator training day).

One of LeaderShape's most-used truism is to "Trust the Process." Time and time again in my life, I've had to do that - with my graduate school search, with switching graduate assistantships, with my job search, with transitioning into being a young professional... and yet I never quite let it click for me until after it's all over. I worry and I stress, and I look to what's next instead of what's happening in that moment... and then I miss some absolutely critical, meaningful, and magical moments.

So that's one of my biggest challenges to myself this week (or, as LeaderShape calls it, a "GAG"- Going Against my Grain) - to live in the moment; to not stress about what's next but rather to be present in the here and now. In working with the participants from Day One through Day Six and beyond, I don't want to stress or to worry, but rather to experience this wonderful, reflective, challenging retreat alongside them.

I look to my fellow faculty members, and even my own small group (shoutout to you, Divergent!) to hold me accountable to this GAG, because I know it's going to be a challenge. But LeaderShape is about stretching yourself to allow for what could be... and the future is a bright one.

Yeah, it's THAT kind of blog post.

Also Entitled: Faith, Feminism, and the Search for "My Future Spouse."

Context: I received a text this evening with a link to a blog post (shoutout to Briarwood and the awesome text conversation that ensued!). This particular post is one of those viral Facebook open letters, entitled “To My Future Wife” (read it here). It starts out so nicely – a young man begins to write an open letter to his future wife (obviously), something that many in the Christian community like to do.* From the title, I didn’t know what to expect; I saw such potential in the idea behind the post. But then… it starts to go downhill. A lot. For the entire post.  So now, I’m gonna do the thing that always follows an open letter – I’m going to be the person that writes an open letter in response to an open letter. Enjoy!

*(Disclaimer: I have written notes to my future husband, if there is in fact a future husband for me, and I’m not embarrassed about it. I love the idea of being able to revisit a mindset from the past, and compare the actual person with the idea of a person from years prior. And I definitely love the idea of prayers for someone you haven’t met yet, and of general Christian encouragement. This post is not a critique about the format of this young man’s blog post, but rather its content, tenor, and overall perspective.)

My dear single Christian brothers,

I’m gonna cut right to the chase – growing up, the Christian church has taught us a lot about what it means to be godly men and godly women. Some of these things are spot-on and right in line with the teachings of Christ, and some of these things have been edited and bent and shifted based on the cultural and societal roles and mores of Christians throughout the centuries. History and society are what they are, but we need to be aware of society's role in faith as we move forward into the twenty-first century. I am a believer that God created men and women for different roles in life – why else would there be two biological sexes of humans? – but I am also a believer that God created man and woman to be partners and equals in all aspects of society, especially relationships. 

"So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it’” (emphasis mine; text Genesis 1:27-28, NIV).

Hello. My name is Cassidy, and I am Christian… and a feminist.

And here’s the thing, my brothers. While I adore and cherish each of you for wanting to be a warrior for your Christian sisters, and wanting to protect our hearts and minds, we need to have a conversation about what it actually means to be a man in the Christian faith. And while I may not be the most qualified person to give you an example of what TO do (that person would be Jesus), as a woman, I can give you several examples of how NOT to relate to Christian women as a Christian man, illustrated through responses to our brother Brett’s blog post points (again, read them here) as he writes to his future wife. While I'm sure his intentions were sound, his understanding of what it means to be a man in relation to a Christian woman is… not awesome.

So without further ado, here is a reminder of some things YOU should know in order to be the kind of godly man that even stands the tiniest chance at being in a successful, loving, caring, God-honoring, Christian relationship:

First and foremost, we may not get married. Like, ever. It’s a hard truth, but a truth it is. And we need to stop teaching our Christian youth that a “future spouse” is in the cards for every one of us. While I believe the union of two people is a beautiful sacrament, provided by God, I don’t think He intended every single person on this earth to be married. I DO believe in soulmates (be they spouses or just best friends), and I DO believe that God sets aside people that are going to be VERY important in your life. But, need I remind you? Jesus never married. The disciples never married (that we know of, at least). St. Paul never married (and one can even question his overall opinion of that sacrament). What do we know at the end of the day? Christ is our bridegroom (Isaiah 54:5, Revelation 19:7-9), end of story. Honestly, he’s the main spouse that I’m concerned about, and He should be your main concern, too.

Next: yes, my brothers, I am beautiful. I appreciate your affirmation of my self-esteem; that is wonderful that you want me to remember the source of my beauty. But here’s the thing with that – I’m not beautiful because you tell me I am. I am beautiful because my Jesus says I am, and because my Maker made me. My God “has loved [me] with an everlasting love” and has “drawn [me] with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3); I was created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27); God knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13); I am “altogether beautiful” (Song of Songs 4:7)… you get the picture. So while I admire your desire to keep encouraging your Christian sisters that the beauty standards of the world are unreasonable and unjust (because they definitely are) remember – that validation cannot and should not come from you. It needs to come from God, and from within. (Otherwise, you’re perpetuating the expectation that validation for female beauty has to come from men… get it?)

While we're on the subject of female beauty... First of all, my brothers, I appreciate your modesty, but we don’t need to refer to the human body as “goodies;” that starts the objectification off on a REALLY bad foot. (You only need to read Song of Songs once to know that sex is a beautiful and natural thing, so we can be adults and refer to the human body as… a body.) Secondly, again, while I appreciate your encouragement of the values of modesty and purity (which I personally hold very dear), it is not your role to police my body. In fact, that role only belongs to one person: “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” (1 Cor. 6:19-20). I will honor God first, foremost, and only, with my body. But that is MY choice, not yours. So, with all the love and admiration and respect that you have for guarding my heart and protecting my purity… no offense, guys, but it’s not yours to guard. I ask you instead to guard your OWN body and mind first. Be concerned with how YOUR choices and YOUR actions and YOUR thoughts affect the women in your life, not blaming them for your purity struggles. (And thirdly, just real fast, probably not the best idea to compare a living, breathing, human being – especially a woman – with a car. I am neither a Honda nor a Lamborghini, and the sooner you start realizing that women are not inanimate objects to be fawned over and owned, but rather your sisters in Christ and real humans with the same value as you, the better off you’re going to be.)

Onto the next one: yes, I am a princess. But here we go again – I’m not a princess because you say so, but rather because it’s a fact. “The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” (Romans 8:16-17, NIV). If God is the King – and He definitely is – then I’m a princess by default. But you know what the thing is about princesses? We don’t sit in towers, waiting to be rescued by our Prince Charming. I already got rescued by the Savior of the World, thank you very much, and so did you. We don’t need to talk about “rescuing” each other; it takes away the focus from the real Hero of our story. 

Here's another thing - have you even READ the Bible? I’m pretty sure God’s past princesses have taken care of God’s creation (Eve), 

helped spies take down a city (Rahab), 

ruled Israel (Deborah), 

killed the enemies of God (Jael), 

saved their people from extinction (Esther), 

stayed faithful when the whole world turned against them (Mary), 

washed the feet of Jesus with their tears (Mary Magdalene), 

given all their worldly possessions to God (the widow with two coins), 

been some of the most influential founders of the Christian church outside Judea (Lydia, Priscilla, Phoebe, Mary, Tryphena, Tryphosa, Persis, etc.)… 

I’ll stop there. You get where I’m going with this. Yes, you’re going to have to fight for me, because my heart already belongs to my God. But if you want a woman who’s sitting in a tower waiting for you, you’re running after the wrong kind of woman. I, and my Christian sisters with me, am out in the field fighting dragons and having adventures all on my own. My Prince is already on my side, and our battle is already in full swing. Are you ready to join the adventure with us?

Don’t you worry, my brothers. I’ll make you work for my heart. Oh boy, will you have to work. Because like I said, my heart already belongs to Someone very special. “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (Ps. 84:2, NIV). “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my fortress, I will never be shaken” (Ps. 62:1-2, NIV). “[God] sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; God sends his love and his faithfulness” (Ps. 57:3 NIV). Honestly, I don’t want a man who pines every minute for me; I want a man who pines every minute for our Savior. I want a man who wants to be more like Jesus. I deserve more than a gentleman, and you deserve more than a woman who just wants chivalry (and who waits around to get it from the world, rather than seeking the heart of the One who loves us more than anything in this world). Let’s all strive to be a little more like Jesus, huh? Jesus said himself, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment” (Matthew 22:37, NIV).

No, love isn’t easy, my brothers. I know it, because my Savior died for the love of us, and that’s not an easy thing to do for someone. I know from my Bible studies, and from living my life, that love is a choice each day, to be patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, not keeping a record of wrongs, not delighting in evil, rejoicing in truth, always projecting, always trusting, always hoping, always persevering (2 Cor. 13:4-7, NIV). So thank you for being honest and up-front about the difficult nature of love, but here’s what I need to know – are you, as Christian men, going to make those same choices every day, based in a deep-rooted desire to honor God? Because that’s what I want.

To sum, my brothers, I love and appreciate you for what you are trying to do when you write these open letters to your Christian sisters. It takes immense courage to stand up for your convictions and beliefs; it takes even more courage to lovingly rebuke someone in the name of Christ, “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:5). But that’s why I’m coming to you today – to speak the truth in love. I am asking you to check your privilege, and check your heart, that your rebukes come from a place of love, and not from a place of jealousy, envy, bitterness, command, power, or entitlement. When you speak to your Christian sisters, remember that though we may be different from you, we are not weak. We belong to the Lion of Judah, just as you do; we are warriors for Christ, just as you are. And just like us, you need to be saved, rescued, and loved with an everlasting love.

Here’s the happy ending to that story: we already have a Lover of our souls, and He’s waiting for us every moment of every day, to turn to Him and run into His arms.  My challenge to ALL my Christian brothers and sisters is this – can we stop putting each other on a pedestal, and start worshiping the Person who matters most? Let’s re-frame the conversation to be a bit more about Christ and a bit less about our “perfect mate.” 

Even more, let’s re-frame our language to speak about each other as equals and as co-heirs in Christ, as brothers and sisters, and NOT as objects or prizes to be won. But above all, keep the faith, and “encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thess. 5:11).

With all my love in Christ,

-Cassidy

Obsession (not a Calvin Klein fragrance)

I find it so funny that my brain likes to go through periods of deep fascination - dare I call it, obsession? - with different people, places, things, and ideas. There's got to be some epistemological approach to looking at why people become fascinated or fixated on different things... what is it about songs, tv shows, movies, travel plans, recipes, whatever, that captivates us so? What is our brain trying to tell us when we become obsessed with certain things over others?

Regardless of the deeper meaning, I though it'd be fun to blog about the things I'm currently obsessed with and obsessing over:

1. Ellie Goulding - If you haven't listened to her music (and I bet you have; "Lights," "Anything Could Happen," and "Burn" have gotten BIG radio play in the past year or two), I highly recommend it. She is a wildly talented female DJ, musician, and singer. She's got an unusual soprano voice, but it's absolutely captivating. Her newer album, Halcyon, is currently on repeat on Spotify for me.

2. "The Wire" - No thanks to my older brother, I have been binge-watching HBO's hit show "The Wire" until all I think about is The Game, my main man Omar, and the city of Body-More (Murdaland central). Have no idea what I'm talking about? It's okay. I wasn't sold until about halfway through Season 1 of the show, but thanks to the urging of my brother, Alan Seppinwall's genius show recaps (spoilers abound; don't read unless you're watching the show!), and the brilliant writing of showrunner David Simon, I am currently halfway through Season 4 and horribly depressed that the show ended in five seasons. I'm nearing the end, but the show still has me hooked every moment. If you have HBO on-demand, or can borrow a friend or loved one's login to HBOGo, do it. You will not regret the watch (only 5 seasons, and only 12 episodes per season), and you will be in love with Baltimore by the end. 

3. Conference & Job Search Season - Okay, this is a weird one, I'll admit. But it's that time of year in higher education - professional conferences abound, and many people are out on the job search. I myself will be attending 1 professional conference this spring, but I love reading and writing posts about how to make the most out of your conference experience. Then, there's job searching, something I have written about ad nauseam on this blog. I myself am not currently job searching, but I AM taking time to keep my resume updated, to keep myself updated on the latest job trends and availabilities, and to support my friends and colleagues who are searching. I'll be part of mock interviews for IU's Higher Ed program tomorrow; I can't wait to visit with up-and-coming professionals about their resumes, cover letters, and interview tips! Call me a nerd; I embrace it fully. I love this season!

What are you currently obsessing over? What has captivated your mind on this fine day?

Perception is Reality

Although a cliche phrase, the words "perception is reality" have taken on a new meaning for me in the past year and half of my professional work.

My profession, student affairs, focuses deeply on concepts like authenticity, intentionality, self-authorship, and clear interpersonal communication. I think these concepts are important, especially in my work with college students. I want them to learn how to be their own authentic selves. I want them to be internally driven rather than externally motivated. I want them to make their own decisions and choices, and be willing to stand up and speak up for those choices. I want them to learn how to present themselves in a way that is authentic, and professional, and that will lead to their success and happiness after they graduate.

Even more than that, I want to role model these behaviors for my students. I want to be intentional in my interactions with them, to not waste a moment we have together. I want to be authentic with them, so they know I'm a real person who cares about them, not just a "mom" figure or someone who says "no" or who challenges them constantly. I want them to engage in open dialogue with me, to critically listen to what I say and then critically think about the choices and decisions they make as a result. I want to give them constructive feedback, to let them know when they are doing well, and how they can grow and learn from their choices. I want to role model these concepts for my colleagues, too - to be known among my peers as someone who says what she means and means what she says; someone who is real and who really cares.

If I've learned anything as a communication major, higher education and student affairs graduate student, and student affairs professional, though, it's that, to borrow another oft-quoted phrase, "The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley." Or, for those of us who don't often use Scottish colloquialisms, even the most well-planned or well-intentioned actions or words don't always come across they way we want.

We can be the best-meaning people. We can want the best for the people we interact with on a daily basis. We can truly be authentic and be ourselves in our interactions with others. But we cannot plan for others' perceptions of us.

How many times have you sent an email that you meant to be kind in tone or generally without emotion, that was received as an attack? How many times have you asked a genuinely curious question, that was received as a criticism? How many times have you done something for someone as a kindness or because you normally would do it, and they take it that you don't trust them or that you're overstepping your boundaries?

These are just small examples of what I've learned in many ways during these first 2 years of my professional work - perception is reality. Even if I am the most authentic and intentional and REAL person that I can be, I cannot plan for or compensate for how others will see me, react to me, or think of me. So often, we find ourselves doing damage control for something that wasn't even meant to be negative or something that was perceived in COMPLETELY the wrong way. Even so, the negativity was perceived by the other person (or other people), and so has become the reality of the situation. Perception is reality.

To a point, it's futile to worry about this. As I said, we most often cannot plan for how others will react to us. I think it'd be a mistake to take this TOO far in the other direction, and to be so worried about how others will react to us that we forget to be real, authentic, and internally motivated. But I've learned some ways to counter this often-negative reality, that perception is reality...

1. Awareness: As the adage goes, the first step to fixing your problem is admitting you have one. Knowing that the way others perceive you is important, and knowing that their perception may not (probably will not) match your presentation of yourself is even more important. Because this awareness can lead you to...

2. Proactivity: Another VERY important lesson that I've learned over the past 2 years is from Deb Dunbar, IU's Director of Organizational Development Services: "You cannot hold someone accountable unless you have set expectations for them." In any partnership, relationship, whatever, setting expectations is CRITICAL for governing how interactions will go in the future. Unless you've clarified for the other person what you expect from them - and what they expect from you - you cannot have feedback conversations. Which leads to my next point...

3. Willingness to have "the tough conversation": As a fairly emotional person, I used to shy away from conflict. I would bottle up my emotions and negative feelings, and then unleash them all at once in huge, knock-down drag-out tear-filled arguments. It has taken adulthood - college, graduate school, and my first real jobs - to learn how to be (more) comfortable with conflict. It has taken time to learn that conflict doesn't necessarily mean an argument or fight; conflict simply can mean addressing tension, miscommunication, or misunderstanding. This is SO key to being able to handle the fact that "perception is reality": once an action is misconstrued or a conversation misunderstood, there's no amount of proactivity that can fix it; you're flying on reactivity alone. But within this reaction, it HAS to be your choice to be an adult and to address the misunderstanding as soon as possible. While someone else's perception of you may have taken a negative turn, the only way that you can correct that perception is if you address it. And while some may quote Dr. Seuss - "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - the reality of life is that we don't live in a vacuum. We live lives that constantly intersect with others'; human beings are innately social creatures that rely on our relationships to live, work, and love. We cannot write off others' perceptions of us (especially negative ones) as "no matter."

Again, my caveat with this is that we can't let others' perceptions of us rule our lives. For while their perceptions are reality, ours are too! And the only way to address differing perceptions? Talk about it. Share your story, who you are, why you do what you do. Listen to someone else's story. Be open to understanding others and their reality. Reconcile differences. Be proactive in building positive relationships in and for the future.

As the great actress Ellen Page just said (albeit in a completely different context): "This world would be a whole lot better if we just made an effort to be less horrible to one another." The first step in building a world of understanding is to open yourself up to understanding other people. 

How are you going to make the choice today to open yourself up to others' perceptions and reality? How are you going to make this reality a better place, today and every day?

Worrywart

Alright, confession time: I have found it extraordinarily liberating to take part in the #OneWord movement for the past couple of years, for the particular reason that it supplants having to make new year's resolutions. Instead of making a list of all the things I'm going to do better in the new year (and inevitably disappointing myself; let's be honest, it's HARD to keep those resolutions when all that Valentine's Day chocolate rolls around), I like the idea of living my year based on just one word. Of course, I make goals and plans that relate to living my life centered around this word, but it's infinitely easier to make goals when they have a theme.

Now, though, we get into the hard part. Confession #2: I HATE making goals for myself. I love the idea of setting goals--it's something to work toward! Something to focus on! Something to achieve! But in practice, I set this big ol' goal... and then I get scared. I get scared that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. I worry that I will not achieve the goal in the best way, or in a timely manner. I worry that I will let myself and others down in trying to achieve the goal and failing. 

A perfect example for you--this year, I want to focus on simplicity as my #OneWord2014. During my day off yesterday, I started to make some goals surrounding simplicity, plans for how to make my life easier, more straightforward, and better this year. One of these aforementioned goals is to have a better handle on my finances, especially my student loan debt, and to have a mental picture of what I'm responsible for as well as for how long I'll be responsible. So I get onto some federal student loan websites... and immediately start panicking. This is all incomprehensible. Why do they not explain this stuff to you when you sign up? Is there a human being on this planet who can intelligibly explain this nonsense to me? WHAT IF I'M SADDLED WITH THESE LOANS FOREVER?!? (If you've ever tried to grasp the concept of loan consolidation by yourself, you can probably empathize with these sentiments.)

Here I am, wanting to make my life more simple, easier... and my goal-setting methods (you know, normal things like "research" and "action steps") are only making me more confused, feel more stupid, and feel more irresponsible than I did when I began. And then I get discouraged... what's the good of setting goals if they're just going to terrify me, and set me up for more worry and more stress than I had previously? This process is extraordinarily self-defeating and disheartening for me.

I wanted to blog about this because I'm guessing I'm not alone in my detestation for this process. It's easy to feel discouraged and disheartened when a big journey or big task is ahead. So how do I overcome this fear, this stress, this overwhelmed feeling when I have tasks ahead of me? 

To be honest, that's part of what this year of simplicity is about--trying to ease the feeling of drowning, and get to the problem at its core. For me, then, the solution is multifaceted, and will need to be practiced and discussed over the coming year, and I plan to find accountability partners who will help me with the process. Here's my plan to lessen the worry and to ease the fear in 2014:

1. Pray more. Faith, as I've mentioned, is a BIG part of my life, and a big lesson that I've been learning recently is that I take a lot on myself and entrust very little to God. However, a huge part of maturing in the Christian faith is learning how to let go of the little things, and to let God sweat the small stuff. If my faith tells me that "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Rom. 8:28), then it's my job to practice believing and acting on that. To overcome the fear, I want my mantra to be what the wonderful Sarah Young said in her devotional, Jesus Calling: "Anxiety is a result of envisioning the future without [God]." If God is there, and I believe He will be, then there will be no need for worry. All I can do is offer my fear and worries up in prayer, and then let. them. go.

2. Ask for help. At times, I'm really good at asking for help. For example, when I had my mini-panic about my student loans, one of the first things I did was call my parents. They may not have a lot of concrete information about how the whole loan consolidation thing works, but they are calm and cool-headed in times when I am not, and they often help me think of small action steps that I can take to surmount big problems. Not only that, but they are sympathetic listeners, and eager to help me attack my problems. Seeking others' advice is something I need to practice more in other aspects of my life. I need to be more honest when I am feeling overwhelmed, and to seek others' perspectives and advice when I have a problem or when I feel confused or anxious. That's what family and community are for, after all--to support each other. I hope and expect that my friends and family can bring their problems to me for a sympathetic ear and good ol' strategic thinking session; I should reciprocate instead of trying to handle all my problems on my own (balancing, of course, actually asking for help vs. constantly complaining about life's hardships). 

3. One small step. This is something I counsel the students I work with on often, but in all honesty find it hard to practice myself--small action steps. Whenever I set a goal, I get so lost in how big the overall goal is that I often get intimidated and turn away. A thousand miles is a LONG way to walk (and no, I'm not getting all Proclaimers or Vanessa Carlton on you right now). But, to cite that oft-used metaphor: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. What is the one, small, easy, simple thing that I can do right now to start toward my goal? 

Hopefully, by practicing--and repeating--Steps 1-3 above, I can work toward lessening the worry and anxiety I often feel over the coming year. I want life to be simple and full of joy, not stressful and scary (as it often already is on its own). 

What are some methods that you use to overcome anxiety and worry in your life? How are you planning to be less stressed in 2014?

Dealing With the Stuff

As you probably know quite well by now, my #OneWord for 2014 is simplicity (read about why I picked it here). In these first six days of the year, the word has been treating me well--I've been thinking about how to be honest about my limitations and learn from them, and also how to take it easier on myself. I've started simple habits of budget management (i.e. better tracking of my spending using mint.com and GoogleDocs), and I've been drinking lots of water.

Really, I decided that this first month of 2014 was going to be key in habit formation. In order to live a simpler life in 2014, one that is natural, unembellished, sincere, and straightforward, I want to practice good habits that will make my life easier and that will embody simplicity. Some of these habits are emotional, mental, and spiritual--taking it easier on myself, as previously mentioned; blogging more (which you can see I've already been following up on!); taking time each day for Bible study. Some of the habits, though, are physical, and not only things I am doing for my physical self (i.e. drinking water), but also habits that involve the physical space around me.

Toward the end of 2013 (a.k.a. about a week and a half ago), part of the thinking that led me to realize that I wanted to focus on simplicity in the coming year was that I kept being drawn to blogs, Pinterest boards, and life tips that inspired me to clean, declutter, and focus on minimalism. Whenever I look at design blogs like this one, or read lifestyle blogs like this one, it makes me want to live a life that is that aesthetically and mentally pleasing--a place for everything and everything in its place, a home that is welcoming and calming and restful. Part of achieving those goals for me is decluttering and streamlining; thus, my goal of simplicity.

Well, this weekend proved a wild one weather-wise here in Bloomington (current temperature outside: -8 degrees Fahrenheit), so I got started on my decluttering in short order. I decided to clean out my bedroom closet and dresser yesterday, and had a grand old time doing it.

The good news: I ended up with enough junk to toss to make 3 trips to the dumpster and enough stuff to donate to Goodwill to fill 2 bags (and counting).

The bad news: I am quite a sentimental creature, so there are some things I won't (can't, refuse to) part with. I have a cardboard box in my closet that has memory scraps from the past 15 years of my life (someday I'll do something with them. Someday). I have an AWFUL time getting rid of clothes; I can always convince myself that I'll wear something again. I keep old instruction/owner's manuals (you NEVER know when you're going to need them), I keep copies of bills and invoices for a year (again, should the IRS decide to audit me or something I'll HAVE to have them), and I even keep old journals and planners (want to know what I was up to on January 6th five years ago? I can probably tell you).

Acknowledging this weakness of sentimentality, though, I accomplished some small victories yesterday, and I decided small victories and joys are what count for this year. (In fact, I'm keeping an "it's the little things" jar in my living room to track some small victory and/or joy each day of the year.) I am now fully aware of everything that is in my closet, something that I did not know 24 hours ago. I have made room for more stuff, should more stuff enter my life (because, let's be real, there will ALWAYS be more stuff). I have ruthlessly thrown away or donated things that I really didn't need to keep; I have made a small move toward more simplicity in 2014.

This year will require me dealing with lots of stuff, I think, in order to live a simpler life--physical stuff, emotional stuff, mental stuff, spiritual stuff. But my goal of living a sincere, natural, and easy life in 2014 is more important to me than all the clutter in my life, and so the best I can do is make small steps each day to achieve my goal!

How are you dealing with your stuff in 2014? What small steps are you taking each day to accomplish your goals, hopes, and dreams for the year?

How Does the Defendant Plead?

Thanks to my older brother, I've been watching "one of the greatest" (it's pretty darn great) shows to ever be on television: "The Wire." (If you have HBOGo, I highly recommend a watch. But be warned, it's addicting!) One of my very favorite characters on the show is Rhonda Pearlman, an Assistant State's Attorney for Maryland. She is tough, she is sassy, and she is an amazingly strong female character on a largely male-dominated show.

The Queen, Rhonda Pearlman

I bring up Ronnie today because I've been thinking a lot this morning about the idea of guilt. Or, as dictionary.com puts it, "a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, wrong, crime, etc., whether real or imagined."

As I've gotten older, I've dealt more and more with guilt in relation to how I spend my time. Whenever I sleep in, as I did this morning (11 a.m., yeesh!), I feel guilty that I've wasted half my day. Whenever I decide to spend the day at home, I feel guilty that I'm missing time with friends. Whenever I want to binge-watch "The Wire," I feel guilty that I could be spending my time in better pursuits. But where does this guilt come from? Why am I feeling remorseful for the above actions? In the spirit of my #OneWord2014, simplicity, I wanted to think about this today.

As I've been reflecting, I often hold myself to ridiculously high standards of perfection in many areas of my life, and these standards are taking their toll. Whenever I make a mistake, I berate myself for it, much longer than anyone else would. Whenever I feel irresponsible--for example, sleeping in half a day, or spending my time binge-watching a TV show instead of doing other, more "responsible" things--I spend my time wrapped in anxiety that I'm not getting things done instead of enjoying leisure time. My personal standards of "adulthood," of "responsibility," have started to take their toll on my mental wellness. So instead of enjoying my recharging time on a Saturday (as an introvert, I NEED time to recharge by myself), I spend half the day laying around and the other half scolding myself for being so lazy. This is NOT healthy. I know I need the quiet time, the recharge time. So why not simply let myself be? Why not let my weekends be a simple time of rest, of catching up on TV shows that I like? I mean, clearly, if I'm sleeping 'til 11 a.m., my body needs the rest. So why do I get so down on myself for enjoying time off? Life does not CONSTANTLY have to be about going, doing, creating, achieving. Sometimes, we all need some well-deserved simple time to breathe.

Don't get me wrong--I don't want to and don't plan to use my OneWord as an excuse to become a lazy bum. Living my life more in more simplicity in 2014 does not mean that I'm going to slack off in my every day life, or cut corners because it's easier. In fact, a huge part of my plan for this year is to create good habits for taking care of myself and for getting things done.

Even so, I've realized that I hold myself to perfection and that standard is creating unnecessary anxiety, worry, and guilt in my life, so this year needs to be spent in pursuit of simplicity--what is natural, what is easy to understand and to deal with,  what is sincere--and learning to let myself off the hook in order to be able to breathe, exist, just LIVE. I want to pursue a natural and straightforward life, not one full of stress.

So instead of going all Ronnie Pearlman on myself--and believe me, that woman KNOWS how to prosecute a criminal--I'm going to negotiate a deal. I'm going to plead "not guilty" for enjoying time to rest, to think, to just enjoy a TV show. I'm going to try to build a habit of NOT persecuting myself for needing down-time. I'm also going to multitask; to put in a load of laundry as a new episode of "The Wire" is starting, to make my bed and do a little cleaning before I get to turn on the TV, to pause in midafternoon for a grocery store run instead of staying inside all day.

In the spirit of simplicity, I'm going to try to live 2014 with less worry, less anxiety, and less guilt. Life is hard enough already; why try to make it harder? As "The Wire's" brilliant Detective Bunk says, "Every man got to have a code." My code for this year is to allow myself room to BREATHE, and to not punish myself for all those silly imagined offenses of irresponsibility.

How are you going to let yourself plead "not guilty" more this year? What are the negotiations you make in order to enjoy your balance time, your "me-time"?