Looking Back at 2013

I guess I've got Einstein and his Theory of Relativity (no, by following that link I do NOT expect you to understand what the heck that Wikipedia article is talking about, but it's worth a shot) to thank for the fact that 2013 sped by faster than any other year I've lived yet. And it was QUITE a year. Some amazing things happened, some... not so amazing things happened. So it's time for my now-annual year-in-review post (see here for 2012's review).

I don't know what I was expecting with 2013. Again, there were some BIG milestones to celebrate:

• My big brother got married, and I got to welcome a WONDERFUL new sister-in-law (and her family) into ours!
• I turned 25, quarter-life crisis included, and got to visit the Pacific Northwest (Portland, to be specific) and some of my BEST friends for my birthday.
• I survived my first year in my first full-time job. Miracle, in and of itself.
• I actually played a sport. Not well, but the point is I played.
• I joined a sorority as an alumna initiate, and I LOVE my new sisterhood.

All that aside, 2013 was... I don't know how to say this, other than 2013 was HARD. And I know I'm not alone in this. I've talked to a lot of other people--family, friends, coworkers--and a lot of them seem to agree with me that there was just something CHALLENGING about this year. I can't quantify exactly what was so hard; if I start going into all the individual problems I've had, this will turn into a #firstworldproblems post and that is the LAST thing I want.

Let me just sum up this year by saying that I was hoping... I expected... to finish out this year more confident, more self-actualized, more sure of who I am and of why I'm where I am and of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just knew that finishing out my first year of work would make me a more competent and confident professional; that turning 25 would clue me in to ALL of life's mysteries and secrets. 

Hell, I even chose "center" as my #oneword2013 (I never ended up blogging about it, if that gives you any indication of what a cluster this year ended up being, but you can see references to my #oneword2012 here, here, and here). I was going to use this year to center myself on and deepen my relationship with God (as you can see previously, my faith is VERY important to me); I was going to pray more, read my Bible more, just TALK with God more. But honestly--and after a recent conversation with my excellent and loving parents, I believe in being open and vulnerable about this--I am in a worse place, a bigger crisis of faith, right now than I have been in a LONG time. At least throughout my (seemingly) interminable job search last year, I felt confident and sure that God was going to come through; that I would end up in EXACTLY the right place with EXACTLY the right job, for EXACTLY the right reasons. God and I talked all the time; even when the answer I heard was "no" or "wait," I was still sure that He was answering.

But now? I'm, honestly, not sure. I've heard "wait" so much and so often that I'm not even sure WHAT I'm supposed to be waiting for. I like my job, I like my town, I love my new friends and acquaintances that I've met. But why am I here? What am I getting out of this experience? Most importantly, what in all green goodness am I actually contributing to my environment? Am I making my workplace better? Am I making my students' lives better? Am I bringing more happiness and joy and love to the lives of my friends and family?

I'm in the metaphorical wilderness right now. (Listen to this song by the O.C. Supertones to get a feel for EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.)

I am, in fact, LESS confident than I was this time last year. I'm LESS sure, LESS certain of almost everything (except about those who love and support me--I am trusting in you guys more than ever!). 

But, here's the tl;dr of this post: I'm using this last day of 2013 to decide that it's okay that I'm insecure. I am deciding that, even if I'm sure that everything happens for a reason, I don't know those reasons and I'm kind of mad about it. And I'm deciding that it's okay that I'm mad about not knowing those reasons. I'm deciding that I'm going to own my vulnerability even more than I usually do. You see, I'm a big fan of Brene' Brown's work "Daring Greatly" (something my friend Michael has been blogging about too; you can read his stuff here!), and up until this year, I would have told you that I am one of the most vulnerable people I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve; one of the Strengths that has shown up all 4 times I've taken StrengthsQuest has been Empathy, for heaven's sake. I've prided myself about my ability to feel what others are feeling, and to be open and honest about those emotions.

But what I've learned this year is that I'm NOT really open about those things. I'm not honest about when I feel like I've made a mistake, or messed something up, or when I feel stupid or wrong or bad. I try to hide behind this shell of togetherness; I like to pretend that I know what I'm talking about and that I've got my life together and that I can take care of EVERYONE ELSE without taking care of myself.

But, 2013 has CERTAINLY pulled that rug out from under me. And I'm deciding today, December 31, 2013, that I'm going to be okay.

I don't have my life together... and that's okay.

I don't know everything about everything... and that's okay.

I'm not sure what 2014 will bring to me... and that's okay.

2013 was a mess, I was (am) a mess. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. The sun will rise, the world will turn, I'll learn something new every day. 2014 is a year full of hope, a blank slate, a chance to start fresh with a new attitude. It's a chance to be okay with myself when I'm not perfect, to learn anything and everything I can from every moment, and to try to grow and live and be. 

So happy new year, everyone. May 2014 bring more blessings, more truth, more love, more hope, more faith into your lives (and mine) than we ever could want or need.

A Week of Thankfulness #3: Life!

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

So today's thankfulness topic may be a little bit of a cop-out, but it's very true--I'm thankful for life, my life in particular. As I was flying this morning, heading to Texas to spend this weekend with some of my best friends in the entire world, it occurred to me that my life is VERY blessed. I'm so thankful for all of the wonderful gifts that God has given me--my family, friends, job, health... the list gets more detailed and goes on and on.

Suffice it to say, despite the ups and downs we experience, this life we live is pretty sweet. I'm thankful for my circumstances, I'm thankful for the joy I find (or try to find) in every day, and I'm thankful for life.

In honor of today being the kickoff of Hanukkah... L'chaim, and Happy Thanksgiv(ukkah)ing!

A Week of Thankfulness #2: Home

In the spirit of the holidays beginning, and Thanksgiving being in TWO DAYS, I've decided that this week, I'm going to blog every day about something that I'm thankful for. Yesterday, I talked about sisterhood; today, I want to talk about home.

I really like the multiple definitions of home, as defined by good ol' dictionary.com:
1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

If you think about #1, I suppose my home now is Bloomington, IN, and for that, I'm thankful, although it's strange to think that my "usual residence" is no longer in the state of Texas. In fact, the place I consider my hometown, where I lived full-time for 10 years and part-time for 6--S'nangelo (San Angelo for the uninitiated)--isn't even the place I return for the holidays anymore, considering my parents moved to a different city (and different state) around the same time I did last year. But, I'm thankful for the 16 years that San Angelo gave me, and I'm VERY thankful for the year and half that Bloomington has given me, especially as it has meant full-time, gainful, awesome employment. Bloomington is a COOL town, and IU is a COOL place, and I'm thankful for my "usual residence," even though it's somewhere new (and winter is a new thing for me).

I've also called a few other places my "usual residences"--College Station, TX, for a magical 4 years, and Tallahassee, FL, for a fantastic 2 years. I'm thankful for all those cities did for me and gave to me; they were pretty cool towns to call home.

Now, though, we're approaching into the territory covered by definition #2, and I love the way that dictionary.com phrases this--"the place in which one's domestic (familial) affections are centered." Even though my hometown isn't my "place of usual residence" anymore, I still have MANY domestic affections centered in The Wool and Mohair Capital of the World (that is a real nickname, y'all). San Angelo will always be my hometown; reppin' the 325 'til I die (forgive me).

Then, there's College Station, TX, a place where my familial affections find their epicenter, thanks to the Aggie Family. Being a Former Student of Texas A&M University means the world to me, and I am SO thankful for the values that Aggieland instilled in me. My heart beats a little faster when I drive down Highway 6, headed for a beautiful place that I'll always call home.

In an unexpected turn of events, Tallahassee, FL (and, more specifically, Florida State University) became home for me during my time in graduate school. Especially in my coworkers, my students, and my cohort-mates, I found a new place to center my domestic affections. FSU is a special place, and the Higher Ed program (and the LifeNet) have become my home and family more than I could have ever predicted. I'm thankful for the work that the professionals and students at that school do, and I'm thankful for the confidence that I gained during my time in Talla-classy that prepared me for my current home and position.

Finally, here's the real crux of this post--I'm thankful for the people who exist in my life who give me places to "center my familial affections." There's my extended family who live ALL over the country (and world), but especially in DFW, who give me a chance to call those places my home. There's all my best friends who, again, live all over the country, giving me more "homes" than I can count. In fact, this Thanksgiving, I get to call Austin, TX my home, thanks to several of my best friends from college.

That's the real beauty of home, I think--it exists wherever your family exists. And I'm thankful for my family and friends, who give me a reason to find home wherever they are. In the end, the old saying is true--home IS where the heart is.

So, for my family and friends--you are my heart, and my home, and I'm thankful for you!

A Week of Thankfulness #1: Sisterhood

This week is Thanksgiving, one of the BEST holidays of all time (second only to Christmas). Evidence:
Item #1: Centered around gathering loved ones together and eating FOOD.
Item #2: Encourages a spirit of thankfulness.
What more could one want from their holiday?

So, in the spirit of this time of year--one of my very favorites, for the aforementioned reasons + a few more--I decided that this week, I'd write a series of posts chronicling some of the things I'm most thankful for. Today's post, to kick off the series: I'm thankful for sisterhood.

When I talk about "sisterhood" as a concept, I really want to address how multifaceted that word is, and what those facets mean to me.

First, there's the idea of a sister. I don't have any biological female siblings (just my big brother, who's pretty darn cool), but I do have some extraordinarily close family and friends who I would categorize as my "sisters." First, there's my VERY awesome sister-in-law; I really couldn't have asked for a better woman to marry my brother. Then, there's my closest girlfriends from high school, college, and graduate school, who to this day all provide love, support, challenge, and sanity. I couldn't be more thankful for these female peers, who are more than just friends to me; we are FAMILY.

Then, there are the organizational sisterhoods that I have been a part of. More than I can say, I'm thankful for my Maggies, who (I always said) are the sisters that God gave me since He didn't give me any biological ones. My sophomore year of college, I needed to immerse myself in a group of women who would challenge me and set an amazing example of what women could do at Texas A&M, and I most definitely found that in the Mags. And now, I am SO thankful for finding a new (and life-long) sisterhood in Gamma Phi Beta Sorority. My joining a sorority and becoming Greek AFTER college was completely unpredictable, and yet I cannot sing the praises enough of the wonderful women I've met so far (and of my sisters far and wide who I haven't yet met!). Gamma Phi has provided a wonderful balance point for me here at Indiana, a chance to get out of my own head and be a part of something bigger than myself. It will also continually provide me the chance to support and encourage young women in their college careers, and to surround myself with amazing women who are doing amazing things across the world. Which leads me to my final point...

Third, I am thankful for being a woman, and for the worldwide sisterhood of womanhood. There is strength in numbers, there is power in support, and one of the things I have valued the most throughout my life is the example of strong women--my grandmothers, mom, aunts, cousins, friends, mentors, advisors, colleagues--who strive to build a network of other supportive women in their lives, and who have supported ME through good times and bad. The women in my life, from those who have advised me to those I now advise, consistently challenge me to be better and to grow and mature, and they consistently provide wonderful examples of kindness, strength, friendship, and love. I am so thankful for the women that are already in my life, and the ones I have yet to meet.

To all the ladies out there--We are sisters, you and I, and I am thankful for you.

Musings on an October Day

Sometimes, one gets the urge to write, and so one must indulge oneself, no matter if one's thoughts are cohesive. (One also occasionally sounds like the Queen of England. We are not amused.)

~

It's FINALLY feeling like fall in Indiana, and Mother Nature isn't the only one dealing with changes. It seems as if everything is in flux right now, but not necessarily in a bad way. I've made a few life changes on my own account for which I'm VERY proud of myself:

FIRST: I started taking a modern dance class once a week. It is the day when I leave work at 5 p.m. like normal people do, and it is the day when I pretend to be Jody Sawyer from Center Stage and just dance my little heart out (regardless of my feet!).

SECOND: I was invited, accepted, and initiated into Gamma Phi Beta sorority as an alumna initiate, and I couldn't be happier about my new sisterhood. I am thrilled to join a long history of women who believe in inspiring "the highest type of womanhood," and I am already so impressed by the alumnae and undergrads that I've met who are now my sisters. I can't wait to get more involved with the chapter here at IU, and to get to fully experience being a Greek!

~

Work continues apace. I am in the midst of my second year as a professional at IU, and my fourth year (SO weird to think about) in a student affairs role as a para/professional. On the one hand, there are moments when I am 1000% confident in who I am as a colleague and advisor; I relish the times when I (finally) know an answer to a student's question or when I am able to provide historic or institutionally contextual perspective to a discussion. I'm expanding my network and deepening my friendships on campus, and I'm FINALLY feeling like a Bloomington "townie." On the other hand, and I have been assured that I am NOT alone in this, there are moments when the dreaded "impostor syndrome" still plagues me, and when I feel like I have been working at this job for a little over a month instead of a little over a year. Thankfully, I have a supportive supervisor and encouraging colleagues, and so I strive to make it through each week a little wiser and a little more equipped professionally.

~

Nerd Alert: the GREAT news is that I'm getting the chance to take part in some awesome professional development opportunities this fall - not only is IU hosting this year's Indiana Student Affairs Association Drive-In Conference (yay day-long pro.dev.!), I also had a presentation proposal accepted at an upcoming regional conference in Ohio! ACUI, one of my professional organizations (the Association of College Unions-International, for those of you who are curious), is hosting my region's conference in a couple of weeks, and I'll be presenting on how to talk with and teach college students about fiscal responsibility in programming (using my own students as a case study). Yeah, I know, I'm a big nerd. But I really like my job and my students are really smart, and I can't not brag on them! I'm also excited to get to talk with other professionals in the midwest about the work they're doing, and see if I can't get some really great ideas to bring back here to our Union.

~

I'm getting the travel bug again. It happens every couple of months, so I'm right on schedule. While the bug will be partially satiated by the aforementioned conference in Ohio, I'll REALLY be getting my travel fix for Thanksgiving, when I get to make a grand return to the motherland for some turkey with good friends and another best friend's WEDDING festivities! (Which will be held at The Salt Lick. Yes, you may indulge in jealousy, while I indulge in delicious barbecue.)

~

I realize, at the end of all this, that it's like a newsletter for my life. But I really have gotten the blogging itch today, and I realized that it's been two and a half months since I last updated this blog, and so I felt some routine life updates were in order. I've been pondering some deeper issues that will hopefully become blog posts sooner rather than later, but in the meantime, I wanted to put it out to the universe that I'm alive and pretty darn content with life.

(As a treat for making it all the way to the end of this post, you now get to watch what must rank as one of the cutest videos of all time. You're welcome.)

10 Years

There comes a special time each summer when my little heart jumps for joy, and it can be summed up in six words:

So.
You.
Think.
You.
Can.
DANCE.

(yes, I'm blogging about reality TV right now for no other reason than this is one of the greatest shows on television.)

I can't believe it's the 10th year of this absolutely fabulous show. As a dancer myself for 15 years (those of you who know my athletic ability--or lack thereof--might well be shocked by this), seeing the ever-amazing routines danced out on that stage always makes my heart go "pitter-pat."

I don't have cable anymore (I'm finally free of the curse that is Comcast), so I'm catching up on this current season on Hulu (if ANYONE spoils it for me I'll hurt you!!!), but in honor of the 10th year of my very favorite reality show, I decided to make this fun little post featuring my favorite routines EVER on SYTYCD.

This originally began as a Top 10 list, but as I've spent the last HOUR on youtube looking up all my favorite routines, I just couldn't limit myself. Don't call this a comprehensive list, but I think it's as close as possible, and it's even categorized for your perusing pleasure!

Cassidy's Favorite SYTYCD Routines EVER, in No Particular Order

To Give You Tears/Chills:

Jeanine & Brandon, Battlefield  -->This dance firmly cemented in my mind that Jeanine was going to be the Season 5 winner. Which she was. I win all the things.

Mellisa & Ade, This Woman’s Work   -->Need to cry today? Watch this dance.

Travis & Heidi, Calling You   -->You'll see a LOT of dances from Season 2 on this list. It's partially because Season 2 was arguably the best season of all SYTYCD, and partially because Travis Wall is a freaking genius. This dance also made me like Heidi, which is a miracle in itself.

Hok & Jaimie, The Chairman’s Waltz   -->Emmy-nominated, Wade Robson, HUMMINGBIRD, music from Memoirs of a Geisha. You don't really need to know more.

Love Stories:

Jeanine & Jason, If it Kills Me   -->Travis Wall as dancer is phenomenal. Travis Wall as choreographer? Indescribable. He's a genius. (I think I said that.) Jeanine absolutely deserved to win season 5. (Oh, I mentioned that too?) Well... there's not much else to say, except WATCH 'TIL THE END. OMG the CHEMISTRY.

Katee & Joshua, No Air   -->NappyTabs (Napoleon & Tabitha, husband & wife hip-hop duo) created a beautiful story with this dance. It's no wonder Katee & Joshua were finalists in this season because this dance surprises and thrills me every time. Katee's got MOVES.

Dominic & Lauren , Ain’t No Sunshine   -->Two words: RUMBA. CHEMISTRY.

Audrey & Matthew, Unchained Melody   -->Travis Wall: genius. That's all.

Lauren & Kent, Collide   -->Travis Wall: genius. I sound like a broken record. Also, KENT! 

Not So Love Stories:

Katee & Twitch, Mercy   -->Katee really shone in this dance, and this is where I REALLY first started liking Twitch, who's now a fixture on the show as a judge & All-Star. Killer combo.

Chelsie and Mark, Bleeding Love   -->Another Emmy nom for this show, and another time I may or may not have teared up watching an incredible routine. I dare you to take your eyes off of Chelsie during this routine. GO ON, I DARE YOU.

Danny & Anya, Apologize   -->"Apologies" (yuk yuk) to any Danny/Anya fans out there, but I really did not like either one of these contestants; they were consistently called out for their lack of personality, and rightfully so. However, if you just watch this ONE dance, you will wonder how in the heck I could say that because OMG the CHEMISTRY. 

Comfort & Adechike, Fallin’   -->I can't. *weeps in a corner*

Sick Jazz:

Neil & Sabra, Sweet Dreams   -->THE PART WHERE HE HOLDS HIMSELF UP OVER THE TABLE OMG.

Danny & Neil, Are You the One?   -->Neil was probably my favorite contestant in Season 3, as you might be able to tell from his presence in this category. He is adorable, a, and b, is a fantastic dancer. Him and Danny as rival princes? Just stunning.

Season 2 Top 4, Sexy Back   -->I reiterate all the things about Season 2, and leave you with this: WADE ROBSON.

Season 2 Top 10, Ramalama (Bang Bang)   -->Season 2, Wade Robson, blah blah blah blah ZOMBIES

Courtney & Mark, The Garden   -->I just need Sonya Tayeh to choreograph my life. Kthanks.

Sick Hip-Hop:

*Note:* So every dance but one in this category is from Season 2. This is for several reasons: Travis Wall, Shane Sparks, krumping, and Ivan. See below for which genius thing belongs to which dance.

Travis & Benji, Gyrate   -->The two whitest boys on the show, being blessed by their mad dancing skills and the genius of Shane Sparks. (Side note: Travis should have won Season 2, looking back. But in the end, he's turned out with a much more successful career so I don't know that he really missed out on all that much...)

Travis & Martha, Clap Back: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJh4EEtiGkM   -->I present to you the advent of krumping on SYTYCD, featuring for the very first time the one and only Lil' C.

Season 2 Top 16, Poison: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZPh27qPg40   -->This number goes to show you that a simple group dance that is well-choreographed to AWESOME music can take you very far. Also, IVAN and TRAVIS.

          

Allyson & Ivan, Sexy Love   -->Ivan wins all the things. As does Shane Sparks.

Twitch & Alex, Outta Your Mind   -->The only non-Season 2 hip hop number to make this list, this piece is made more amazing by the fact that Alex is a classically trained ballet dancer. 

Miscellaneous AWESOME:

Danny & Lacey, Hip Hip Chin Chin   -->Wasn't a big fan of Lacey (Benji's sister) or Danny, despite their mad talent, but HOLY MOLY are they talented. Samba is HARD, y'all.

Billy & Robert, Ganesh   -->BOLLYWOOD.

"It Might Be a Quarter-Life Crisis...

...or just a stirring in my soul." - John Mayer

Happy July, everybody! It's a gorgeous 70-degree day here in Indiana, and I would apologize to those of you who are dealing with hotter heat on this July day, but I feel like living through 23 summers of 100+ degree weather entitles me to a little smugness on a gorgeous day like this. :)

I find myself in a reflective mood today, and for a multitude of reasons. It's now July, and summer, for all intents and purposes, is winding down. The new fiscal year has started (holla back, all my fellow budget managers!), our office is wrapping up a search for a new colleague (I can't believe it's been almost a year since I was experiencing such a search myself!), and our students return from their holidays and travels in about a month and a half.

This, my first summer on the job, has proved to be a wonderfully restorative one. My supervisor, student leaders, and I have taken time to take stock, discuss goals for the coming year, and really enjoy the 9-5 grind of this office (as opposed to our late-night grind during the school year). In addition, I have travels up ahead to take time off from work: in about 27 hours I'll be flying out to Portland, Oregon, to see some of my best friends and to celebrate my birthday (see below for more on that), and then in a few weeks I'm making an extended trip down to my homeland - the great state of Texas - to celebrate some dear friends getting married. Summer travels are my favorite, and I can't wait to put this summer's trips on the books.

Another reason I find myself reflective at this point in the summer, as I alluded to above, is that it's almost my birthday! (In lieu of presents, dear friends, just come visit me in Bloomington. ;) ) I will be 25 years old this year (if you couldn't guess from my brilliant lyrical title), and the whole idea of a "quarter-life crisis" really has me thinking about where I am right now. This Buzzfeed article has been making the rounds among my peers on Facebook, and according to its purpose, it got me thinking about if I'm in the middle of my "quarter-life crisis."

And I can honestly say...I'm not. (yet, anyway. I'm still kickin' it at 24! :) )

But seriously, all the anxiety and questions that psychologists say come along at this point in my life - who am I, why am I here, what am I doing, and so on - happened at this exact point LAST YEAR. Ya know, that whole job search thing really got me pondering the deep questions of life. Was it a good idea to go to grad school? Is higher education the right field for me? Was it smart to pick up and move halfway across the country?  Will I EVER be able to manage my own budget? (The jury's still out on that one, folks...) Will I be FOREVER ALONE?

A year later, I still don't know all the answers, but I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I've got faith that God is using me to His (and my) best purpose where I am right now. I've got some of the best friends and family that a girl could ever ask for, and those numbers are growing day by day and week by week. I really, really do like my job a whole, whole lot; even on the days when it seems like things are going to hell in a handbasket (and they happen MUCH more often than I'd like), I know that my students and I are learning invaluable things that are going to help us later on in life. I'm constantly learning, growing, and developing, and more than anything, I'm THANKFUL.

I'm thankful for almost 25 pretty solid years on this earth, and I can't wait for 75 more. (Ya know, one has to assume that "quarter-life" refers to the fact that I'm going to live to be 100... I'll take it.)

So I wish everyone a HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, and a FABULOUS mid-summer week. May all of you find joy in your days!