From Self-Reliance to Sharing Gifts

As I've blogged about before, my faith is incredibly important to me. Today's post starts with a Bible verse, but then expands into a life lesson that I hope to live by for this year, and that I hope proves valuable for some of you reading this blog!

I was doing my daily Bible study yesterday, New Year's Day, in order to try to keep true to my #OneWord2014 of "Simplicity"; in this case, getting back to the basics of what's important (i.e. my faith). My daily devotional led me to the book of Romans (the letter from Paul to the new Christians in Rome, which talks all about the basic building blocks of Christianity, which at the time of writing was a brand new faith), Chapter 12. I'll include the text that inspired me below:

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. (Romans 12:3-6, NIV)

As I've blogged about in the past couple of days, 2013 was a wake-up call for me. As I've been reflecting, I realized that I have formed the habit of holding myself to impossibly high standards, and then trying to accomplish EVERYTHING by myself. I try to put forth this facade of perfectionism, of knowing everything, of confidence and self-esteem, honestly in hopes that people will perceive me that way (and thus I'll start trusting myself in those areas... fake it 'til you make it, right?). But, over the past week, I've been realizing what a MESS holding myself to this high standard has made me. By expecting perfection of myself (something NO ONE ELSE does), and by expecting that I'll be able to handle everything on my own all the time, I've undermined my own confidence and certainty. I've been building this beautiful outer shell, but not dedicating any time to working on building a strong foundation. And because of this, the outer shell I've built is starting to crack.

I share this with all of you in the spirit of honesty, of freedom from deceit or guile that my #OneWord2014 (simplicity) signifies. I hope that by identifying the areas in my life where I'm hiding, where I'm being dishonest, where I'm not being vulnerable, I can completely break away my false outer shell and let my inner light shine.

Here's where the Bible verse above comes back in: I want to think of myself in sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given me. I want to be honest with myself about what I can truly accomplish on my own, and know when to seek help for all the rest. I want to know when to be confident in my own skills, and when to go to God for reassurance about my weaknesses. Or, in the words of another, simpler (because in 2014 I love simplicity!) translation, "...I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought [not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him." (Romans 12:3, Amplified Bible) I want to be clear and open and honest about where I'm failing and falling. I want to be truthful with myself that, while I am learning and while I am capable, I CANNOT do everything by myself. Because of my Christian faith, I want to go to God for the strength to learn from my mistakes, and to use that faith to grow and rely more fully on God and move forward.

And here's where the hopeful bit comes in. The rest of the passage above talks about how, as humans, we have a body with MANY parts, and all of those parts serve an important, indispensable function. In the same way, in the Christian faith, in the "body of believers" EVERY person (member) serves an important, indispensable purpose, because God has endowed each of us with special gifts and talents that are unique ONLY to us. It is then our job to bring those talents to the table, and serve others (and, most importantly, God).

Even if you have a different faith than mine, or faith isn't your thing, I think there's a powerful message we can gain from this. Human beings are amazing, miraculous creatures, capable of exploring deep oceans and flying to the moon and bringing forth life and saving ecosystems. But, we are also limited. We have a finite number of hours in the day in which we can do work before we have to crash and sleep. We have a finite number of years on this earth before our lives are done. So we have to take HONEST stock of ourselves (to "think of ourselves in sober judgment," if you will), to understand what our limitations are.

However, even acknowledging those limitations, even living with those limitations, every human being on this planet is important and indispensable. We all have talents, strengths, gifts, whatever you want to call them, and in order to make this world a better place, I am a FIRM believer that it's our job to bring those talents and gifts to the table to serve other people.

So, I'm going to be more honest about my limitations this year. I'm going to stop trying to be so self reliant, to ask for help more, to try to learn from my failures and mistakes. BUT I'm ALSO going to seek to utilize my strengths more, and to hone my gifts. There are things that I'm bad at, and I need to be okay with that, but there are also things that I'm good at, that I need to be thankful for. And I owe everyone--family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, students, strangers, everyone--my time, my talents, and my treasures. Gifts are meant to be shared. Light is meant to shine.

In 2014, I'm trying to go back to the basics, to find simplicity--what is natural, what is unembellished, what is sincere. Two important parts of this quest will be (1) acknowledging and being honest about my limitations, but also (2) bringing my gifts to bear, and using BOTH my strengths and weaknesses to love and serve others better and more this year.

How can you acknowledge and learn from your limitations this year? How will you utilize your strengths more? How will you let your light shine brighter in 2014?

My #OneWord2014

I've posted previously about the #oneword phenomenon: you choose One Word by which you will live your year. In 2012, my #oneword was "Believe" (see the year in review here) and in 2013, my #oneword was "Center" (see the year in review here).

As you may be able to tell from my post, my 2013 OneWord was not quite as successful as I'd hoped, in that I didn't end the year a more centered, calm, rational, confident human being. In fact, quite the opposite--I ended 2013 more unsure of myself than perhaps I've ever been before. But, ultimately, I decided that that is okay. Don't they (although I don't know who "they" are) always say that your twenties are a time for questioning, for failing and falling and picking yourself back up again, for making mistakes and learning from them? I've never really allowed myself to do that before; in fact, at the end of 2013 I realized that I really am rather hard on myself. I expect confidence, I expect perfection, I expect my life to be together at all times. And that is SIMPLY not how life WORKS, ya know? Life is messy, and hard, and just when you think you're on the up-and-up you trip and stumble and fall. But life can also be beautiful and gorgeous and silly and fun and just when you think you're stuck in a hole, a loved one jumps in the hole with you and shows you the way out (yes, that's a "West Wing" reference. You're welcome).

So for 2014, I've decided to be okay with the crazy roller coaster that we call life. I've decided to do my best to improve myself and my circumstances, to love others around me, and to be okay when things get messy. In order to support myself with this new mantra, I've picked a OneWord for 2014. Are you ready?

My #OneWord2014 is: simplicity.

How beautiful, right? Just the word "simplicity" itself rolls off your tongue, and makes you feel like life is going to be okay.
To help direct my reflections and my action plan, I turned toward the ever-brilliant dictionary.com for my definitions.
1. the state, quality, or an instance of being simple (i.e. easy to understand, not elaborate or artificial, unadorned, natural, unembellished)
2. freedom from complexity, pretentiousness, etc.
3. freedom from deceit or guile; sincerity

THOSE are the things I want in 2014. Understanding, authenticity, sincerity, freedom from complexity. I want to clear my life of the clutter, and of all the extras that I don't need, and to get back to the basics of what is TRULY important.

I acknowledge that life is hard, and that life can be complicated. BUT, and here's the thing, I ALSO know that I can choose my response to life's hardness. I can choose my reaction. I can choose how I live my days; I can practice sincerity and understanding and freedom from complexity in order to try to bring a little understanding back into my own life. I won't and can't know everything, I won't and can't understand everything. But if life were a little more simple, a little more direct, a little more natural, mightn't we be happier, more joyful? Isn't it worth a try?

So here are some of the ways I'm going to practice simplicity in 2014.

• Overall living: be okay with falling & failure. worry less. pray more. be kinder to myself. celebrate small victories and joys. 
• Health: try to find good habits that fit my life. pre-cook meals so that lunches during the week are easier and less stressful (and I'll be less inclined to eat unhealthfully). drink more water.
• Home: pare down unneeded possessions. donate to those more needy than I. begin good cleaning habits to keep my home in better repair. 
• Work: utilize my Outlook calendar to plan out task completion. plan for interruptions so they're less off-putting. ask for help more. be more honest and direct with my co-workers and students. 
• Finances: simplify, simplify, simplify, especially in regard to impulse buys. save more.
• Family & Friends: write more. call more. love more.
• Work/Life Balance: create good habits of me-time, friend-time, and God-time. journal and blog more (to reflect more). set aside time to look ahead so I feel more prepared for each week.

As you can see, some of the key things that this year will include are clearing the noise and clutter, building good habits, being sincere and honest, and being okay when things don't go perfectly. I think that last one will really be the key to living, loving, and learning in 2014: life will NOT be perfect OR perfectly simple. But the more I can do to learn when things go wrong, the better. And the more I can be honest with myself and with others about who I am and what I'm learning, the better.

I think practicing simplicity in 2014 will, more than anything, come down to learning how to live in the moment. Life will get complicated, it always does. But there is and always will be some small joy to celebrate in each moment of each day. I can't spend too much of my time looking back, missing or regretting the past, nor looking forward, worrying or trying to conquer the future. The most I can do is just LIVE. 

Looking Back at 2013

I guess I've got Einstein and his Theory of Relativity (no, by following that link I do NOT expect you to understand what the heck that Wikipedia article is talking about, but it's worth a shot) to thank for the fact that 2013 sped by faster than any other year I've lived yet. And it was QUITE a year. Some amazing things happened, some... not so amazing things happened. So it's time for my now-annual year-in-review post (see here for 2012's review).

I don't know what I was expecting with 2013. Again, there were some BIG milestones to celebrate:

• My big brother got married, and I got to welcome a WONDERFUL new sister-in-law (and her family) into ours!
• I turned 25, quarter-life crisis included, and got to visit the Pacific Northwest (Portland, to be specific) and some of my BEST friends for my birthday.
• I survived my first year in my first full-time job. Miracle, in and of itself.
• I actually played a sport. Not well, but the point is I played.
• I joined a sorority as an alumna initiate, and I LOVE my new sisterhood.

All that aside, 2013 was... I don't know how to say this, other than 2013 was HARD. And I know I'm not alone in this. I've talked to a lot of other people--family, friends, coworkers--and a lot of them seem to agree with me that there was just something CHALLENGING about this year. I can't quantify exactly what was so hard; if I start going into all the individual problems I've had, this will turn into a #firstworldproblems post and that is the LAST thing I want.

Let me just sum up this year by saying that I was hoping... I expected... to finish out this year more confident, more self-actualized, more sure of who I am and of why I'm where I am and of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just knew that finishing out my first year of work would make me a more competent and confident professional; that turning 25 would clue me in to ALL of life's mysteries and secrets. 

Hell, I even chose "center" as my #oneword2013 (I never ended up blogging about it, if that gives you any indication of what a cluster this year ended up being, but you can see references to my #oneword2012 here, here, and here). I was going to use this year to center myself on and deepen my relationship with God (as you can see previously, my faith is VERY important to me); I was going to pray more, read my Bible more, just TALK with God more. But honestly--and after a recent conversation with my excellent and loving parents, I believe in being open and vulnerable about this--I am in a worse place, a bigger crisis of faith, right now than I have been in a LONG time. At least throughout my (seemingly) interminable job search last year, I felt confident and sure that God was going to come through; that I would end up in EXACTLY the right place with EXACTLY the right job, for EXACTLY the right reasons. God and I talked all the time; even when the answer I heard was "no" or "wait," I was still sure that He was answering.

But now? I'm, honestly, not sure. I've heard "wait" so much and so often that I'm not even sure WHAT I'm supposed to be waiting for. I like my job, I like my town, I love my new friends and acquaintances that I've met. But why am I here? What am I getting out of this experience? Most importantly, what in all green goodness am I actually contributing to my environment? Am I making my workplace better? Am I making my students' lives better? Am I bringing more happiness and joy and love to the lives of my friends and family?

I'm in the metaphorical wilderness right now. (Listen to this song by the O.C. Supertones to get a feel for EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now.)

I am, in fact, LESS confident than I was this time last year. I'm LESS sure, LESS certain of almost everything (except about those who love and support me--I am trusting in you guys more than ever!). 

But, here's the tl;dr of this post: I'm using this last day of 2013 to decide that it's okay that I'm insecure. I am deciding that, even if I'm sure that everything happens for a reason, I don't know those reasons and I'm kind of mad about it. And I'm deciding that it's okay that I'm mad about not knowing those reasons. I'm deciding that I'm going to own my vulnerability even more than I usually do. You see, I'm a big fan of Brene' Brown's work "Daring Greatly" (something my friend Michael has been blogging about too; you can read his stuff here!), and up until this year, I would have told you that I am one of the most vulnerable people I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve; one of the Strengths that has shown up all 4 times I've taken StrengthsQuest has been Empathy, for heaven's sake. I've prided myself about my ability to feel what others are feeling, and to be open and honest about those emotions.

But what I've learned this year is that I'm NOT really open about those things. I'm not honest about when I feel like I've made a mistake, or messed something up, or when I feel stupid or wrong or bad. I try to hide behind this shell of togetherness; I like to pretend that I know what I'm talking about and that I've got my life together and that I can take care of EVERYONE ELSE without taking care of myself.

But, 2013 has CERTAINLY pulled that rug out from under me. And I'm deciding today, December 31, 2013, that I'm going to be okay.

I don't have my life together... and that's okay.

I don't know everything about everything... and that's okay.

I'm not sure what 2014 will bring to me... and that's okay.

2013 was a mess, I was (am) a mess. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. The sun will rise, the world will turn, I'll learn something new every day. 2014 is a year full of hope, a blank slate, a chance to start fresh with a new attitude. It's a chance to be okay with myself when I'm not perfect, to learn anything and everything I can from every moment, and to try to grow and live and be. 

So happy new year, everyone. May 2014 bring more blessings, more truth, more love, more hope, more faith into your lives (and mine) than we ever could want or need.

A Week of Thankfulness #3: Life!

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

So today's thankfulness topic may be a little bit of a cop-out, but it's very true--I'm thankful for life, my life in particular. As I was flying this morning, heading to Texas to spend this weekend with some of my best friends in the entire world, it occurred to me that my life is VERY blessed. I'm so thankful for all of the wonderful gifts that God has given me--my family, friends, job, health... the list gets more detailed and goes on and on.

Suffice it to say, despite the ups and downs we experience, this life we live is pretty sweet. I'm thankful for my circumstances, I'm thankful for the joy I find (or try to find) in every day, and I'm thankful for life.

In honor of today being the kickoff of Hanukkah... L'chaim, and Happy Thanksgiv(ukkah)ing!

A Week of Thankfulness #2: Home

In the spirit of the holidays beginning, and Thanksgiving being in TWO DAYS, I've decided that this week, I'm going to blog every day about something that I'm thankful for. Yesterday, I talked about sisterhood; today, I want to talk about home.

I really like the multiple definitions of home, as defined by good ol' dictionary.com:
1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

If you think about #1, I suppose my home now is Bloomington, IN, and for that, I'm thankful, although it's strange to think that my "usual residence" is no longer in the state of Texas. In fact, the place I consider my hometown, where I lived full-time for 10 years and part-time for 6--S'nangelo (San Angelo for the uninitiated)--isn't even the place I return for the holidays anymore, considering my parents moved to a different city (and different state) around the same time I did last year. But, I'm thankful for the 16 years that San Angelo gave me, and I'm VERY thankful for the year and half that Bloomington has given me, especially as it has meant full-time, gainful, awesome employment. Bloomington is a COOL town, and IU is a COOL place, and I'm thankful for my "usual residence," even though it's somewhere new (and winter is a new thing for me).

I've also called a few other places my "usual residences"--College Station, TX, for a magical 4 years, and Tallahassee, FL, for a fantastic 2 years. I'm thankful for all those cities did for me and gave to me; they were pretty cool towns to call home.

Now, though, we're approaching into the territory covered by definition #2, and I love the way that dictionary.com phrases this--"the place in which one's domestic (familial) affections are centered." Even though my hometown isn't my "place of usual residence" anymore, I still have MANY domestic affections centered in The Wool and Mohair Capital of the World (that is a real nickname, y'all). San Angelo will always be my hometown; reppin' the 325 'til I die (forgive me).

Then, there's College Station, TX, a place where my familial affections find their epicenter, thanks to the Aggie Family. Being a Former Student of Texas A&M University means the world to me, and I am SO thankful for the values that Aggieland instilled in me. My heart beats a little faster when I drive down Highway 6, headed for a beautiful place that I'll always call home.

In an unexpected turn of events, Tallahassee, FL (and, more specifically, Florida State University) became home for me during my time in graduate school. Especially in my coworkers, my students, and my cohort-mates, I found a new place to center my domestic affections. FSU is a special place, and the Higher Ed program (and the LifeNet) have become my home and family more than I could have ever predicted. I'm thankful for the work that the professionals and students at that school do, and I'm thankful for the confidence that I gained during my time in Talla-classy that prepared me for my current home and position.

Finally, here's the real crux of this post--I'm thankful for the people who exist in my life who give me places to "center my familial affections." There's my extended family who live ALL over the country (and world), but especially in DFW, who give me a chance to call those places my home. There's all my best friends who, again, live all over the country, giving me more "homes" than I can count. In fact, this Thanksgiving, I get to call Austin, TX my home, thanks to several of my best friends from college.

That's the real beauty of home, I think--it exists wherever your family exists. And I'm thankful for my family and friends, who give me a reason to find home wherever they are. In the end, the old saying is true--home IS where the heart is.

So, for my family and friends--you are my heart, and my home, and I'm thankful for you!

A Week of Thankfulness #1: Sisterhood

This week is Thanksgiving, one of the BEST holidays of all time (second only to Christmas). Evidence:
Item #1: Centered around gathering loved ones together and eating FOOD.
Item #2: Encourages a spirit of thankfulness.
What more could one want from their holiday?

So, in the spirit of this time of year--one of my very favorites, for the aforementioned reasons + a few more--I decided that this week, I'd write a series of posts chronicling some of the things I'm most thankful for. Today's post, to kick off the series: I'm thankful for sisterhood.

When I talk about "sisterhood" as a concept, I really want to address how multifaceted that word is, and what those facets mean to me.

First, there's the idea of a sister. I don't have any biological female siblings (just my big brother, who's pretty darn cool), but I do have some extraordinarily close family and friends who I would categorize as my "sisters." First, there's my VERY awesome sister-in-law; I really couldn't have asked for a better woman to marry my brother. Then, there's my closest girlfriends from high school, college, and graduate school, who to this day all provide love, support, challenge, and sanity. I couldn't be more thankful for these female peers, who are more than just friends to me; we are FAMILY.

Then, there are the organizational sisterhoods that I have been a part of. More than I can say, I'm thankful for my Maggies, who (I always said) are the sisters that God gave me since He didn't give me any biological ones. My sophomore year of college, I needed to immerse myself in a group of women who would challenge me and set an amazing example of what women could do at Texas A&M, and I most definitely found that in the Mags. And now, I am SO thankful for finding a new (and life-long) sisterhood in Gamma Phi Beta Sorority. My joining a sorority and becoming Greek AFTER college was completely unpredictable, and yet I cannot sing the praises enough of the wonderful women I've met so far (and of my sisters far and wide who I haven't yet met!). Gamma Phi has provided a wonderful balance point for me here at Indiana, a chance to get out of my own head and be a part of something bigger than myself. It will also continually provide me the chance to support and encourage young women in their college careers, and to surround myself with amazing women who are doing amazing things across the world. Which leads me to my final point...

Third, I am thankful for being a woman, and for the worldwide sisterhood of womanhood. There is strength in numbers, there is power in support, and one of the things I have valued the most throughout my life is the example of strong women--my grandmothers, mom, aunts, cousins, friends, mentors, advisors, colleagues--who strive to build a network of other supportive women in their lives, and who have supported ME through good times and bad. The women in my life, from those who have advised me to those I now advise, consistently challenge me to be better and to grow and mature, and they consistently provide wonderful examples of kindness, strength, friendship, and love. I am so thankful for the women that are already in my life, and the ones I have yet to meet.

To all the ladies out there--We are sisters, you and I, and I am thankful for you.

Musings on an October Day

Sometimes, one gets the urge to write, and so one must indulge oneself, no matter if one's thoughts are cohesive. (One also occasionally sounds like the Queen of England. We are not amused.)

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It's FINALLY feeling like fall in Indiana, and Mother Nature isn't the only one dealing with changes. It seems as if everything is in flux right now, but not necessarily in a bad way. I've made a few life changes on my own account for which I'm VERY proud of myself:

FIRST: I started taking a modern dance class once a week. It is the day when I leave work at 5 p.m. like normal people do, and it is the day when I pretend to be Jody Sawyer from Center Stage and just dance my little heart out (regardless of my feet!).

SECOND: I was invited, accepted, and initiated into Gamma Phi Beta sorority as an alumna initiate, and I couldn't be happier about my new sisterhood. I am thrilled to join a long history of women who believe in inspiring "the highest type of womanhood," and I am already so impressed by the alumnae and undergrads that I've met who are now my sisters. I can't wait to get more involved with the chapter here at IU, and to get to fully experience being a Greek!

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Work continues apace. I am in the midst of my second year as a professional at IU, and my fourth year (SO weird to think about) in a student affairs role as a para/professional. On the one hand, there are moments when I am 1000% confident in who I am as a colleague and advisor; I relish the times when I (finally) know an answer to a student's question or when I am able to provide historic or institutionally contextual perspective to a discussion. I'm expanding my network and deepening my friendships on campus, and I'm FINALLY feeling like a Bloomington "townie." On the other hand, and I have been assured that I am NOT alone in this, there are moments when the dreaded "impostor syndrome" still plagues me, and when I feel like I have been working at this job for a little over a month instead of a little over a year. Thankfully, I have a supportive supervisor and encouraging colleagues, and so I strive to make it through each week a little wiser and a little more equipped professionally.

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Nerd Alert: the GREAT news is that I'm getting the chance to take part in some awesome professional development opportunities this fall - not only is IU hosting this year's Indiana Student Affairs Association Drive-In Conference (yay day-long pro.dev.!), I also had a presentation proposal accepted at an upcoming regional conference in Ohio! ACUI, one of my professional organizations (the Association of College Unions-International, for those of you who are curious), is hosting my region's conference in a couple of weeks, and I'll be presenting on how to talk with and teach college students about fiscal responsibility in programming (using my own students as a case study). Yeah, I know, I'm a big nerd. But I really like my job and my students are really smart, and I can't not brag on them! I'm also excited to get to talk with other professionals in the midwest about the work they're doing, and see if I can't get some really great ideas to bring back here to our Union.

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I'm getting the travel bug again. It happens every couple of months, so I'm right on schedule. While the bug will be partially satiated by the aforementioned conference in Ohio, I'll REALLY be getting my travel fix for Thanksgiving, when I get to make a grand return to the motherland for some turkey with good friends and another best friend's WEDDING festivities! (Which will be held at The Salt Lick. Yes, you may indulge in jealousy, while I indulge in delicious barbecue.)

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I realize, at the end of all this, that it's like a newsletter for my life. But I really have gotten the blogging itch today, and I realized that it's been two and a half months since I last updated this blog, and so I felt some routine life updates were in order. I've been pondering some deeper issues that will hopefully become blog posts sooner rather than later, but in the meantime, I wanted to put it out to the universe that I'm alive and pretty darn content with life.

(As a treat for making it all the way to the end of this post, you now get to watch what must rank as one of the cutest videos of all time. You're welcome.)