My #OneWord for 2015 has been "Gratitude." I resolved a year ago to live this year with a thankful heart - to not take for granted the small moments in my life; to give back to God in praise the many blessings He's poured out for me; to truly appreciate this one, incredible life I'm living.
Did I succeed?
In some ways, I'll be honest - no, I didn't.
There were trials in this year. Oh, were there trials. Some of them, upon reflection, seem so silly - for example, when it got so cold in Bloomington that my car doors froze shut (for what felt like the umpteenth time). Some of them were not silly. Some of them broke my heart, and I don't use that phrase lightly. This year I experienced more loss and grief and pain than I think I ever have, and hopefully, than I will have to in a year ever again.
In these moments of pain, I did not always practice gratitude. Sometimes, I let the darkness get to me. I danced on the line of depression, and for the first time I acknowledged the anxiety that often plagues my mind. I lived in a state of fear, and worry, and I was not always grateful.
But here I am, still standing (well, sitting) here, at the end of this year. I made it; WE made it. And for that survival alone, I am grateful.
Of course, because of the pain, it was incredibly easy to be thankful for the happy moments of 2015. And there were so, so many happy moments during this past year...
- Getting this new job in Charlotte, which not only is a great job, but also enabled me to move closer to my family
- Finding out three of my best friends in the whole world are pregnant, with new lives arriving here on earth in 2016
- Returning to College Station for my first Texas A&M football game since I graduated from college (I don't want to talk about how this football season has ended, though; thanks)
- Witnessing and celebrating the weddings of some of my very best friends and dearest family members
- First-time travels to Savannah, to Chattanooga, to Atlanta, to Vermont
- Returning to some of my favorite places - San Antonio, New Orleans, Puerto Rico, Baltimore, College Station, Asheville
- Living near the mountains, and hiking as often as I possibly can
And those are just the big ones. As I read back through my Gratitude Journal, I see items like "delicious homemade dinner," "a solid and sound night's sleep," "saw a cardinal," "fluffy flakes of snow," "Mexican food," "yoga pants," and of course, "Whataburger."
This year was about learning to be grateful for those moments, big and small, despite the pain.
But... this year was also about learning to be thankful for the pain, not just in spite of it.
No, I'm not a masochist; far from it. Like I said, if I never have to experience moments like this year again, I would be ecstatic. But life isn't just about celebrating the happy moments and ignoring the sad. Life isn't about basking in the sunshine and hiding from the rain. Life most certainly is not 100% happy, nor will it be during my time on this earth.
So I had to learn to live in the pain this year. I had to learn how to be thankful for it. My pain this year taught me and brought me many things:
- Life is incredibly precious, and not to be taken for granted for a single moment - you never know when it might be gone.
- Family is more important than anything - any possessions or experiences. ANYTHING.
- Fail with grace. Acknowledge your mistakes. Admit them. Be truly sorry for them. Be open to learning from them. Be genuine, and accept grace and forgiveness when they are given.
- Lean on your support systems when bad times come. Withdrawal will only cause more pain and distance between you and your loved ones. They're willing to listen, and to help. Go to them. Talk.
- It is not, nor will it ever be, shameful to seek counseling. Counselors and therapists are (more often than not) easier to talk to than your family and friends. Utilize these professionals. Let the pain go.
- Grief is one of the most singularly important processes we experience as human beings. It is important to not rush yourself through the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance), but rather to live in them and experience them and acknowledge them. Rushing yourself through them will only make the grieving continue. Don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed to grieve, or how they think you should be grieving. Only you can experience what you're feeling, and whatever your process is is right for you.
I am thankful for these lessons. I wouldn't have learned them, or re-learned them, without the moments of pain. Thus, I must be thankful for the pain, for the difficulty, for the ugly, for the grief, for the anger, for the sadness, for the anxiety, for the depression. I must be thankful for the hard times, for they have taught me so, so much.
In the end, that's one of the biggest lessons of this year. Hard, difficult, painful, ugly moments will come; that's the way the world works. And when they do, resistance is futile. You must feel them as deeply as you feel the sunshine on your face and the rush of a warm spring wind. The pain must suffuse your body as surely as you let happiness do so. But you won't lose yourself, even when it feels like you might. Hold on tight to your anchors, whatever they may be. They will remind you of who you are, and why this life is worth living.
For me, my anchors are my faith, my friends, my family. My anchors are the lessons I've learned and the grace I've received. My anchor is the knowledge that pain will come, but so will joy.
In sum, I must refer to the writing of Ann Voskamp, who penned "One Thousand Gifts Devotional," which has been my gratitude journal for the majority of this year. As you read this excerpt from the Devotion "Storm Grace," know that I am thankful for you as you're reading this, and that I am hoping and wishing and praying that your 2015 has been as fruitful as mine has been.
"If God really works in everything, then why don't we thank Him for everything? Why do we accept good from His hand - and not bad?" ...Doesn't God call His people to a nondiscriminating response in all circumstances? "Giving thanks always and for everything" (Ephesians 5:20 ESV)...To thank God in all is to bend the knee in allegiance to God, who alone knows all. To thank God in all is to give God glory in all. Is this not our chief end?...Giving thanks is only this: making the canyon of pain into a megaphone to proclaim the ultimate goodness of God... That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe Christ can redeem.
Happy new year, everyone.
