LeaderShape, Day Six (and beyond): Staying in Action

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four, Day Five

Waking up on Day Six of LeaderShape was absolutely surreal. As anyone who has participated in or facilitated a LeaderShape experience can tell you, it is at once the LONGEST and the SHORTEST week of your life. On the one hand, you wake up on Day Three and think to yourself, "We still have THREE MORE DAYS of this?!?" On the other hand, you blink, and all of a sudden, it's Day Six. The participants are packing their bags, we're cleaning our family cluster meeting rooms, we're wrapping up the thinking and learning and growing that's been taking place... and you can't believe a whole week has flown by.

The end of a LeaderShape experience is a special time. It consists of several pieces - first there's a wonderful commencement ceremony. As we all know from graduation speeches long-past, "commencement means beginning." As this is a meaningful concept to ponder for graduations from school, so it is for LeaderShape. The end of the retreat is only the beginning of a time back out in the world. We have spent the past six days with the participants, challenging them, having deep conversations with them, laughing with them, crying with them. We have looked inward to look outward. We have dreamed the biggest visions of all, and then simulated the often-heartbreaking and always-exhausting return to real life with all its challenges and oppression. But then, on Day Six, it's time to look forward... what will Day Seven (and beyond) look like for the participants? How will they stay in action?

This leads to the second big piece of Day Six - the concept of Day Seven. Every day after LeaderShape is considered "Day Seven" - if you let your life be a continuation of the growth you've experienced on the retreat, then every day onward can be a part of your special LeaderShape experience. I love this concept of continuity; I love the idea that each day can (and probably) should serve as a reminder of the growth that occurred on LeaderShape.

Of course, this idea is not without its challenges. I've been taking part in extended retreats for a LONG time - first with the Emmaus and Chrysalis Christian retreats in middle and high school, then with Fish Camp at Texas A&M, and now with LeaderShape - and I can tell you that the hardest part of being a part of a "mountain-top" experience like that is coming back down into the "valley."  Retreats are an amazing time to get away from the world and be reminded of the important things... but what happens when you come back? Can the concepts you've learned, the realizations you've had, the ideas you've birthed, stay alive in the toughness of everyday life? Can the relationships you've formed stand the stress and tests of the nine-to-five grind? Can the "process of life-long leadership," as LeaderShape describes it, continue?

I think the answer is "Yes, but it won't be easy." 

LeaderShape begins Day Six with a quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes: "A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension." On the LeaderShape experience, the mind, the heart, and the soul have been stretched. Sometimes the process hurts, sometimes it feels like your mind should have been stretched all along; regardless, the experience changes you in a fundamental way. Then, returning to the "real world"... things are different. YOU are different. You see the world in a different way, hopefully never to return to your "original dimension," because the new way is infinitely better than the old.

But again, these changes are not without challenges. Friends and family may not see eye-to-eye with your new perspective. You may be ready and energized for radical change; the world may say, "Whoa, whoa. Who do you think you are with these new ideas? Slow your roll, buddy. Things are the way they are for a reason." Coming back down into the "valley" of everyday life can be exhausting, disheartening, and can knock you over 'til it feels like you can't get back up.

So how do you deal with this process? How do you retain the energy and inertia you gained in your experience? How do you stay in action?

To be honest... I'm still figuring out the answers to those questions. As you can tell from my past reflections on this experience, LeaderShape changed even ME, a facilitator, in a fundamental way. I questioned my ways of thinking and my values right along with the participants; I built new relationships and new visions for how I wanted the world to be. I was in it right along with everyone else, and it was a beautiful thing. And now, I am practicing what LeaderShape calls "resilience," because I am right down in the valley with the participants. The mountain-top seems far away and forever ago, and now I'm living in the nine-to-five grind again... but I am different. I am practicing getting back up after falling down (or being pushed down), because I've started to realize that my life, my values, can and should mean SO much more to me and be SO much more of a part of my life than they are. 

It's not easy. But it is my privilege and my responsibility to carry forward the lessons I learned and the joy I gained from LeaderShape, and to try to change the world - my world - a little bit at a time, every day. 

~

It's now over a month since LeaderShape ended. It's a rainy day in April; the school semester ends in 12 days. My engine has been running on all cylinders for the past month since I got back; my mind is mush and my energy is low. But in the grey murk of this Monday, there's a little spark for me, as I think back on LeaderShape. As I consider the amazing things I witnessed, the amazing students and facilitators I met, the spark glows brighter. As I remember my promises to myself to stay true to me and to my values, the spark turns into a little flame. And I smile, because I know that, as long as that flame is there - hell, as long as that spark doesn't go out - I am going to make it. Today will flow into other days; the world will keep turning; I will try my hardest to be a spark for others. I will keep my flame lit, to try to light the way in the gray.

LeaderShape, Day Five: Living and Leading With Integrity

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four

As the LeaderShape week winds to a close, the concepts that the facilitators work on with participants get more complicated. LeaderShape works on the principle of self -> group -> community development, and you can really see that trajectory through the themes of the days... the participants start by looking inward to discover who they are; they continue growth in groups as they learn to work together as a team; they end the week by looking inward AND outward simultaneously in order to better serve (and improve) the world around them. Day Five's theme - Living and Leading with Integrity - begins to ask participants to tie everything together. LeaderShape's mission includes the plan that "all lead with integrity," and on Day Five, participants and facilitators explore what that means.

Per the dictionary, integrity means "adherence to moral principles; soundness of character; honesty." To LeaderShape, integrity means values congruence - is what I believe in reflected in how I act? Or, am I "walking my talk"? Who do I want to be, and how do I "show up" to the world around me?

What a heavy, yet critically important concept to explore with college student participants. It's so hard to name your values, your TRUE values, at any age, but especially as a college student. Then, the challenge goes even further - are you acting out those values? Does your life reflect the things you believe in?

I've had many an occasion throughout my life so far when I've dealt with values congruence. Some of those situations have come out with a "win," and some of them, I'm sad to say, led to me making the choice that was best at the time rather than one that fit my values.

As a "win," one only needs to look to three short years ago, when I was finishing my first year as a graduate student in Florida State's Higher Education & Student Affairs program. My graduate assistantship was with the FSU Alumni Association, advising the Student Alumni Association group. As much as I was thankful for my job, and as much as I learned about alumni affairs and development, the values of the office - namely, a focus on relationships and development post-graduation (as opposed to during students' time in college) - did not mesh with my personal and professional values. As hard as it was, I decided (along with my supervisor, who was incredibly supportive) to look for other graduate assistantships that would better fit what I needed out of my time in graduate school. Thankfully, I ended up with an offer from the Student Activities Center, an office MUCH better suited to both my interests and to my values. This experience has proved incredibly important in my professional development - in order to be successful, I needed to know my values, and then I needed to realize when I was not "walking my talk"... and THEN I needed to be brave enough to take steps to live in more values congruence.

Of course, I don't always lead with integrity; I can be vulnerable enough to say so. Right now, for instance, in the first few years of my professional career, I am struggling with my value of self-care and with making that congruent with my lifestyle. You see, working as a new professional in higher education, the temptation (and expectation) exists to work hard and often, and to branch out into as many different pieces of the profession as you can. The culture of student affairs for grads and new professionals is often to make work your life, as opposed to just having it be a part of your life. (I have blogged about this expectation here.) And so, as much as I am aware of and AGAINST the idea of over-commitment... I am honestly over-committed right now. I work too much; I am bad at separating work from my personal life; I am not good at saying "no." And while I love the opportunities that are on my plate right now, I am exhausted, which is making me less effective at carrying out the duties that are expected of me. I am walking the path to burnout, something that many new professionals in higher education experience (leading to a 50% "dropout" rate within five years). I have identified my values, I have identified that I am not living in congruence... but this time, taking the steps to live with integrity is more challenging than I could have imagined. I keep saying I'll address it, but then... I don't. How, though, does this show up to my students and colleagues? What does it mean for me to tell my students to go home and not spend the night in the office, when I'm working 60-hour weeks? What does it mean for me to tell my friends that I miss them, but then have to cancel on plans because I'm "too busy"? I am not showing up as the person I want to be, and that's a problem I need to face, head-on. It won't be easy, nor will it be much fun, but for my own integrity - and sanity - it's something that I need to step up and address, before it's too late.

I'm sure you can think of areas in your own life where you've lived and lead with integrity, and where you may have fallen short. I think it's time that we celebrate where we are showing up as the person we want to be, and that, when we fall down and make mistakes, we say "How fascinating!" and try again. Learning to live with integrity, to "walk my talk," is a challenge that won't be easy, but it is one that is vital to make me be the person (and leader) that I want to be. It is a challenge that will test my mettle, that may break me down more than once, but one that is worth it, and one that I want to undertake - and meet - each day for the rest of my life.

Day Five of LeaderShape served as a wake-up call for me to live with more integrity. Where are places in your life where you can better practice "walking your talk"? Where is it time for you to step up, say "This isn't me," and take steps to show up as the person who you want to be?

LeaderShape, Day Four: Bringing Vision to Reality

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two, Day Three

Halfway through the week of LeaderShape, it's easy to feel exhausted. Not only are the days long - breakfast begins at 7:45 a.m. and the last piece of the day usually ends between 10 and 11 p.m., with faculty meetings after - but the experience is emotionally exhausting (in the best way possible). Participants are delving deeply into who they are, how they operate, and what drives them. LeaderShape is most definitely what many people call a "mountaintop experience" - the week feels like a bubble in which all participants grow and are encouraged, and then going back to the real world after can feel like a drag and a half.

That's why Day Four, "Bringing Vision to Reality," exists. On this day, not only do participants set some tangible goals and action plans to literally bring their LeaderShape vision to life, but they also get a few "reality-checks" throughout the day (the most meaningful of these is the activity Star Power, which happens at the end of the day... I won't go into detail about this activity, but if you've been through it, you know how wrenching and gut-checking it can be). You see, life is not as flowery and passionate and happy-go-lucky as LeaderShape can make it seem at times, and it's important that participants get a real and visceral reminder that their job is to be leaders in a world that is often unjust, harsh, and is imperfect. 

Totally a downer, right? Well, not entirely. Part of this message about reality is couched in a wonderful video called Radiating Possibility, which is about the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, Ben Zander. Zander is also a motivational speaker, and his messages about the world are both positive and powerful. (Here's a TED Talk from Zander if you want to get a picture of both the man and the message!)

Zander makes five points in his video, but the one I most remember and want to enact in my life is point #2: your life will be infinitely better if you see mistakes as "fascinating."

Isn't that a wonderful adage?

The world is NOT perfect, nor are we as human beings (and ESPECIALLY not as leaders). We're not going to make the right choices all the time; mistakes are inevitable. However, what if we viewed mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow, rather than life- (or career-) ending moments? What if, instead of blaming ourselves (or others) when mistakes happen, we instead say, "How fascinating!"

I am often a self-bully when it comes to making mistakes (see a blog post about my 2013 wake-up call here). I hold myself to a crazy-high standard of perfection, don't ask for help, and then panic when things go wrong. It's not a healthy way to live, nor is it productive. However, I am MILES better at handling mistakes than I used to be. My mom can attest to this - there would be moments when I would send her a LONG, self-defeatist email talking about how my life was over when I made a mistake. Thankfully, I am not quite at the same self-flagellant level as when I was a sophomore in college, but I still have a long way to go when it comes to handling my own imperfections.

Then, Mr. Zander comes along, with his suggestion to say, "How fascinating!" when something goes wrong instead of to blame or shame. What a beautiful message. Just think - how much more of an empathetic, understanding place would the world be if we were all able to view our mistakes (and others') as fascinating, rather than terrible?

Brene Brown, who I've talked about before, is a wonderful academic, author, and I recently had the INCREDIBLE opportunity to see her as the closing keynote speaker at a convention (and I plan to do a blogging series after I'm done with LeaderShape about her messages!). One of her main messages to her audience is to live a life of vulnerability, to "show up, be seen, [and] be loved." I think this ties deeply into seeing our mistakes as fascinating - rather than giving in to shame, let's own up to who we are and what we do; rather than dwelling in negativity, let's learn what we can from each day and move forward knowing that, not only will we try again next time, but that we are not the only ones making mistakes.

I leave you with a wonderful quote from Theodore Roosevelt, which inspired Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly (shared in a tweet by my good friend Valerie):

Love love the Theodore Roosevelt quote @BreneBrown #ACPA14 pic.twitter.com/3fyYxD4veM
— Valerie Heruska (@ValerieHeruska) April 2, 2014

Today, I challenge you: 

Will you see your mistakes as fascinating opportunities for you to grow?

Will you dare greatly, regardless of failure (or success)? 

LeaderShape, Day Three: Challenging What Is, Looking to What Could Be

Note: This Spring Break, I served as a small group facilitator on LeaderShape, a six-day immersive leadership experience for college students. This was my first time working with a LeaderShape experience, so I wanted to record and process my reflections and learning here on my blog.
Previous LeaderShape Posts: Day Zero, Day One, Day Two

One of the most powerful pieces of the LeaderShape experience is that of the vision. All participants of LeaderShape take time during Day Three to create a vision of "the kind of world they want to see." When creating a vision, you start with two prompts: 

1. What do I care about? (my passion[s])

2. What do I want to create? (the future)

Then, you think about this question: 

"From what I care about, what would I want if I could invent a bold, new future?"

What a powerful experience for the college student participants that are on the retreat... and what a powerful experience for me as a facilitator. Not only was I privileged to hear the kinds of futures that the participants wanted to create - sustainable, filled with equality of all kinds, kind, happy, just - but I had the chance to reflect on MY vision, the kind of world that I would want to see.

The vision I created on LeaderShape was intensely personal to me (as many/most visions are). My passions include leadership, supporting and encouraging young women (especially college-aged, but not limited to), and positivity. If I could create a bold, new future where these passions were a part of everyday life, every young woman would have access to a role model mentor and a network of peers to support her in her aspirations. (Of course, I would love it if EVERY young person, regardless of gender, had access to this, but for the purposes of my passion and vision I wanted to focus on creating female leadership and support networks.)

Think about that future for a moment. Women are often limited by gender, whether it is because of societal assumptions about women, or social mores that apply to women, or - worst of all - because of being blocked out by other women. Female bullying and competition is a real problem (I have experienced it myself; that's a long story for a different time), but imagine a world where, instead of feeling like they have to compete for resources (whatever those are), young women are supported through their aspirations to achieve whatever they want to achieve. Whether she wanted to be a mother, dancer, astronaut, physicist, professor, singer, actor, entrepreneur, whatever; imagine the power in a young woman being told YES, especially by the other women in her life.

This is a future that I want to see. It's not the world that is, but it is the world that could be. And it's my job, as a leader in everyday life, to try to create that world, step by step. How am I supporting the women in my life, especially the young women with whom I work? How am I affirming them, saying "YES" to who they are and who they want to be? 

I want to end with this brilliant quote from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's TEDxEuston speech, which was sampled in the brilliant Beyonce's "***Flawless":

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: "You can have ambition, but not too much; you should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man."

A challenge to the women reading this - instead of teaching the women in your life to shrink, how are you affirming your sisters? How are we working together to create this bright, bold future where our young people are told "YES"?