Looking Back at 2015

December 31, 2015. Another year has passed, this one faster than all the others, it feels. Another revolution around the sun for our little blue planet, another 365 days to learn, and grow, and love.

My #OneWord for 2015 has been "Gratitude." I resolved a year ago to live this year with a thankful heart - to not take for granted the small moments in my life; to give back to God in praise the many blessings He's poured out for me; to truly appreciate this one, incredible life I'm living.

Did I succeed?

In some ways, I'll be honest - no, I didn't.

There were trials in this year. Oh, were there trials. Some of them, upon reflection, seem so silly - for example, when it got so cold in Bloomington that my car doors froze shut (for what felt like the umpteenth time). Some of them were not silly. Some of them broke my heart, and I don't use that phrase lightly. This year I experienced more loss and grief and pain than I think I ever have, and hopefully, than I will have to in a year ever again.

In these moments of pain, I did not always practice gratitude. Sometimes, I let the darkness get to me. I danced on the line of depression, and for the first time I acknowledged the anxiety that often plagues my mind. I lived in a state of fear, and worry, and I was not always grateful.

But here I am, still standing (well, sitting) here, at the end of this year. I made it; WE made it. And for that survival alone, I am grateful.

Of course, because of the pain, it was incredibly easy to be thankful for the happy moments of 2015. And there were so, so many happy moments during this past year...

• Getting this new job in Charlotte, which not only is a great job, but also enabled me to move closer to my family
• Finding out three of my best friends in the whole world are pregnant, with new lives arriving here on earth in 2016
• Returning to College Station for my first Texas A&M football game since I graduated from college (I don't want to talk about how this football season has ended, though; thanks)
• Witnessing and celebrating the weddings of some of my very best friends and dearest family members
• First-time travels to Savannah, to Chattanooga, to Atlanta, to Vermont
• Returning to some of my favorite places - San Antonio, New Orleans, Puerto Rico, Baltimore, College Station, Asheville
• Living near the mountains, and hiking as often as I possibly can

And those are just the big ones. As I read back through my Gratitude Journal, I see items like "delicious homemade dinner," "a solid and sound night's sleep," "saw a cardinal," "fluffy flakes of snow," "Mexican food," "yoga pants," and of course, "Whataburger." 

This year was about learning to be grateful for those moments, big and small, despite the pain.

But... this year was also about learning to be thankful for the pain, not just in spite of it. 

No, I'm not a masochist; far from it. Like I said, if I never have to experience moments like this year again, I would be ecstatic. But life isn't just about celebrating the happy moments and ignoring the sad. Life isn't about basking in the sunshine and hiding from the rain. Life most certainly is not 100% happy, nor will it be during my time on this earth.

So I had to learn to live in the pain this year. I had to learn how to be thankful for it. My pain this year taught me and brought me many things:

• Life is incredibly precious, and not to be taken for granted for a single moment - you never know when it might be gone.
• Family is more important than anything - any possessions or experiences. ANYTHING.
• Fail with grace. Acknowledge your mistakes. Admit them. Be truly sorry for them. Be open to learning from them. Be genuine, and accept grace and forgiveness when they are given.
• Lean on your support systems when bad times come. Withdrawal will only cause more pain and distance between you and your loved ones. They're willing to listen, and to help. Go to them. Talk.
• It is not, nor will it ever be, shameful to seek counseling. Counselors and therapists are (more often than not) easier to talk to than your family and friends. Utilize these professionals. Let the pain go. 
• Grief is one of the most singularly important processes we experience as human beings. It is important to not rush yourself through the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance), but rather to live in them and experience them and acknowledge them. Rushing yourself through them will only make the grieving continue. Don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed to grieve, or how they think you should be grieving. Only you can experience what you're feeling, and whatever your process is is right for you. 

I am thankful for these lessons. I wouldn't have learned them, or re-learned them, without the moments of pain. Thus, I must be thankful for the pain, for the difficulty, for the ugly, for the grief, for the anger, for the sadness, for the anxiety, for the depression. I must be thankful for the hard times, for they have taught me so, so much.

In the end, that's one of the biggest lessons of this year. Hard, difficult, painful, ugly moments will come; that's the way the world works. And when they do, resistance is futile. You must feel them as deeply as you feel the sunshine on your face and the rush of a warm spring wind. The pain must suffuse your body as surely as you let happiness do so. But you won't lose yourself, even when it feels like you might. Hold on tight to your anchors, whatever they may be. They will remind you of who you are, and why this life is worth living.

For me, my anchors are my faith, my friends, my family. My anchors are the lessons I've learned and the grace I've received. My anchor is the knowledge that pain will come, but so will joy. 

In sum, I must refer to the writing of Ann Voskamp, who penned "One Thousand Gifts Devotional," which has been my gratitude journal for the majority of this year. As you read this excerpt from the Devotion "Storm Grace," know that I am thankful for you as you're reading this, and that I am hoping and wishing and praying that your 2015 has been as fruitful as mine has been. 

"If God really works in everything, then why don't we thank Him for everything? Why do we accept good from His hand - and not bad?" ...Doesn't God call His people to a nondiscriminating response in all circumstances? "Giving thanks always and for everything" (Ephesians 5:20 ESV)...To thank God in all is to bend the knee in allegiance to God, who alone knows all. To thank God in all is to give God glory in all. Is this not our chief end?...Giving thanks is only this: making the canyon of pain into a megaphone to proclaim the ultimate goodness of God... That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe Christ can redeem. 

Happy new year, everyone.

(For my past retrospectives: Looking Back at 2014, 2013, 2012)

Gratitude Lesson #4: Good For the Soul

It's now been over five months since I moved to Charlotte; I really can't believe it. For the most part, this journey has been an overwhelmingly positive one - I am learning so many new things in my new job; I am forging strong connections with my colleagues; I am practicing pretty healthy work-life balance (especially compared to this time three years ago, when I was just starting my job in Indiana).

This last part has really been the key for me in this job. I burned out incredibly quickly in my first professional position, giving 100% of myself 100% of the time. The work took its toll, and within a year I was full of anxiety and stress constantly, with few friends and no life outside of work to speak of. Thankfully, I eventually learned my lesson, and my last year at IU was a positive one, with good social relationships and mental separation from my work. My success in FINALLY learning how to leave work at work, combined with my strong friendships, made my last year in Indiana a truly positive one, and as I accepted this job in Charlotte, I vowed to myself to practice good work-life balance.

Now I'm five months in, like I said, and boy oh boy has my resolve on this promise been tested and proven. In starting a new job, it's incredibly tempting to give of yourself fully - to work long hours, to show that you're truly a committed member of the team. I want to hang out with my new coworkers; I want to build relationships with my students; I want to show up at events to show my support of my new institution.

At the same time, I know myself. I know I need some walls up between my personal and professional. I know I need time at home to be me, to recharge and fill my bucket again. And I know I need a strong personal support system at work to add to the atmosphere of the office.

I am so thankful to have found a SOLID group of friends here at my new institution. We gathered in a piecemeal kind of way, but gather we did, and it has been good for my soul to have a reliable group of female friends who challenge me, support me, and generally make my life happier.

This past weekend, 6 of our group made our way up to Asheville for #MountainWeekend, an excursion we had been planning for three months. September and October were busy and stressful, as they always are (for me, almost to the point of being hellish). So since the calendar ticked over to November, I have been eagerly anticipating this weekend getaway.

Between the amazing sisterhood of these women - all of us with different jobs, different family lives, different backgrounds, different beliefs, yet all of us united in friendship and love - and the glory that is Asheville, NC and its surrounding countryside, the weekend was borderline perfection. We hot-tubbed, we ate and drank, we saw waterfalls and forests and lakes and mountains, we gossiped and gave advice, we explored the city. We had a ball, and it was JUST what I needed.

To top that, the weekend before this one, I made my way back to College Station for an Aggie football game with my best girlfriends from undergrad. You want to talk about happiness and joy, and feeling like I'm exactly where I belong? If so, get me to tell you about my weekend back in Texas. I just felt... whole. Complete.

As 2015 is winding toward its conclusion, I'm starting to reflect again on my One Word, "gratitude." There have been a lot of things I've been grateful for this year so far; some I've blogged about, and some have been experienced in the moment. But what I've been learning is that moments of joy are not to be taken for granted.

My heart and soul were SO happy these past two weekends, spending time with my old friends and deepening relationships with new ones. I was in places I love, with people I adore, respect, and trust, and I felt THANKFUL. I was thankful that I had places and people so dear to my heart, and I was thankful for the resources to be able to travel to these places to spend time with these people. I was thankful for being reminded of old memories, and I was thankful for the opportunity to create new ones. I felt thankful that I was living in the moment, and actively recognizing what a blessing my friends are. As the old saying goes, "Make new friends and keep the old; one is silver, and the other gold."

My friends are precious, precious jewels who I couldn't live without. If you're one of these friends, know I love you more than words can say, and I'm thankful for your presence in my life.

Breathe in, Breathe out

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood. I won't go into the reasons why, at the risk of airing my #firstworldproblems (really, the reasons are very silly). But, the fact remains - I woke up this morning in a terrible mood.

I spent the first part of my day dwelling on this bad mood. I gave the anger and the sadness time, and I gave it my attention, and I gave it energy. As I was making my bed, as I was doing laundry, as I was eating breakfast, I was dwelling in this bad, sad place.

Then, I heard a still, small voice.

Open your Bible, it said.

So I did. And Psalm 62 grabbed my attention.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. 

He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

...

Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

(62: 1-2, 8)

There's that still, small voice again: I am your refuge. I am your fortress. Trust in Me. Pour out your heart to me.

Who am I to argue with that still, small voice? 

So I decided to roll out my yoga mat and do a little centering. With each breath in and out, I took in peace, strength, and hope; I exhaled my worries, my fears, my sadness, my anger. 

I'm not perfect. This day may be up and down. But I have an anchor to which I can cling, a hope that will never disappear, a refuge that will never be shaken.

As my yogi asked me to declare my intentions for the day, the still, small voice supplied His intention for my day, for my life:

You are not alone.

Shiner Prickly Pear

For those of you from Texas or with loved ones from Texas, you have probably (at some point) tasted (and enjoyed) a Shiner beer. Brewed in the tiny town of Shiner, TX, Shiner beers are not only delicious; they represent Texan culture in a fantastic way - not only through the brewery's history, but also through the beers that they brew.

Two of my favorite Shiner draughts are Shiner Cheer, which is a holiday beer that has flavors of pecan and peach (two uniquely Texan flavors to add to a holiday brew), and Shiner Ruby Redbird, which features delicious Texas ruby red grapefruit.

My love for Shiner beer is clear by this point, I imagine. So imagine my intrigue when I walk into my local Harris Teeter grocery store (being a North Carolinian, I feel it is my obligation to support local grocery stores, just as I patronized Publix in Florida - shout out to PubSubs!!!), and I see Shiner Prickly Pear beer.

"Huh," I thought. "That's a new flavor. It sounds good, and I've enjoyed cactus-influenced beers before" - here, a shoutout to my favorite beer in the world, Breckenridge Brewery's Agave Wheat - "...but I don't know, that sounds kind of weird. Should I buy it? I'd be stuck with a whole six-pack..."

My deliberations proved too much for me, and (ultimately shopping on a budget) I decided to pass the Prickly Pear by, waiting for a later date to sample this brew.

Now, I regret that decision.

I just moved to a new city and state, as referenced in my last blog post. I am on my second job out of graduate school, and I'm a young woman in my twenties. Now is the time when I need to be putting myself out there - trying new things, meeting new people, exploring new places, and more. I can't let fear of the unknown hold me back.

If I let fear hold me back, I never would have gone out for a co-chair position in my undergrad's extended orientation program, and thus discovered my future career path (and had what is, to this day, the best summer of my life).

If I let fear hold me back, I would never have gone to graduate school at The Florida State University, and met some of the best people (and learned some of the most important things) in my life.

If I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have accepted a fantastic position in Indiana, and moved halfway across the country, away from all my friends and family, only to find a new home in the Midwest and deep, meaningful experiences in my first professional job.

And if I let fear hold me back, I wouldn't have branched out and gone for this new job, one that matters deeply to me and one that I suspect is going to teach me even more than I could possibly imagine, in addition to bringing me back close to my family and in a state that I love (only second to Texas).

I wouldn't have already made some new friends - shoutout to my colleagues in the Union, Orientation, Greek Life, and more. I wouldn't have tried yoga in a brewery (stereotypical young professional, anyone?). I wouldn't have discovered the beautiful greenway behind my apartment complex.

Now is not the time for fear. Now is the time to grow.

So you can bet your butt, the next time I grow to the grocery store, I'm going to buy myself some Shiner Prickly Pear. It may not be for me, but it's worth a try.

'Most everything is.

Puzzling

For anyone who's seen any of the modern classic TV show New Girl, you probably know who Winston is - sometimes the voice of reason, sometimes an absurd and delightful part of our favorite roommate foursome. For those of you who don't know Winston, there are a few facts that are critical to understanding who Winston is as a human, and one of those is that Winston loves puzzles.

Or, as Winston calls it, "Puzzling."

Unfortunately, Winston is also very, very bad at puzzles. Like, really, really, really bad. (Click that link. It's important.)

I've been reflecting a lot recently, on life and its changes. For those of you who don't know, I just started a brand new job, at a new institution, in a new state. And while I am incredibly excited about this change (seriously. so pumped.), I also can't really believe it's happening.

I didn't know this time three years ago when I was job searching where I would be just one month later (accepting a job at Indiana University), let alone that three years later I would be moving to North Carolina to start a completely different position at a new institution. I didn't know all the wonderful friends and colleagues I would be meeting shortly in the Midwest and the amazing connections I would make that would lead me to new personal and professional families (Gamma Phi Beta and ACUI, respectively). I didn't know I would adapt to 6-month, sub-zero-degree winters, or that I would fall in love with the incredible melancholic beauty of fall and the dazzling, inspirational springtime. I didn't know that I would be challenged beyond what I thought possible, that I would learn more than I thought possible, nor that I would grow beyond what I thought possible.

But I was, I did, and I definitely, definitely did. Life's funny that way, isn't it? It makes me think of my friend Winston and his love for puzzles. To me, life is a puzzle. Sure, you may have a picture of the "end result" that you'd like to see ("IT'S A JAPANESE GARDEN!"), but that doesn't necessarily make puzzling any easier. And hell, what happens when, like me and (I imagine) so many of you, AND like our friend Winston,  we DON'T know how the puzzle is supposed to turn out?

All we have to go on is a general shape - a rectangle. A life.

We've got guiding, "border" pieces - those checkpoints along the way. A job, friends, family, hobbies.

But all those middle pieces? Everything in between? Pure guesswork.

Will we find love? I don't know. Will we like our jobs, or even tolerate them? I don't know. Will we get those promotions, those raises, those corner offices we dream of? I don't know. Will we stay with this same company for years, or hop around like the true Millennials we are? I don't know. I truly, truly don't know what's next.

All I can do, like my buddy Winston, is take this crazy life puzzle one piece at a time. I can sift through my core values, through what I hope to achieve, and I can make leaps of faith. Sometimes they'll pan out, sometimes they won't. What matters is in the trying.

And that feeling, when you find two pieces that fit together? When you start to see just a glimpse of the bigger picture?

Well, isn't that why we're out here puzzling in the first place?

Gratitude Lesson #3: Asking the Tough Questions

Today, as I had a life chat with Alexa, a dear friend and up-and-coming colleague, we talked about those dark places that we occasionally get into in our lives. I've written about these low places before - the doldrums, the proving grounds, the valleys. They suck, but they're real points in our lives when things just don't fit or work the way they're supposed to. We may feel down, or lost, or off our groove. Whatever it is, the low places are NOT fun.

What often helps me wake up a little, to get enough of a jolt of electricity to get myself moving again so I can try to get out of the valley, is often the thing I dread doing the most - asking myself (or finding someone to ask) the tough questions.

You know the questions I mean.

"What are you NOT doing?"

"Are you really doing your best?"

"What are you so scared of?"

"Who are you, really?"

These questions are scary as hell, let's be honest. But let's also be honest that a lot of times, we're tempted in life's valleys to throw ourselves a big pity party. And for a while, that can be a healthy behavior. Acknowledge your feelings - sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, etc. Know thyself.

But also know that dwelling on those feelings won't get you out of the valley. You must name the feeling, of course, but you also must acknowledge that that feeling is probably the very barrier (or one of them) that is preventing you from getting out of the valley. And by asking the tough questions, you are saying to yourself, "Okay. So let's say I name this feeling, this barrier.... how am I going to overcome it, or find someone to help me overcome it?"

Dwelling in the valley lets the bad feeling win; dwelling lets the darkness win. Asking the tough question is shining a flashlight on the dark corners, opening the curtains a little to let some sunlight in.

Sometimes, these tough questions can make the valleys seem even deeper and darker, because we recognize how far we have fallen, and how far we have to get back up again. However, by asking the tough questions, I think we acknowledge that there's another mountain to climb, there's another journey to be had. Life doesn't end at the valley; life is about seeking out the next mountaintop to climb.

So find the person who will be your proverbial sherpa, who's going to ask you the tough questions. It may be a parent, a family member, a friend, a mentor. It may be you who's brave enough to shine the light in the dark place. And know that it's going to hurt, asking the tough questions. It's never easy getting out of the valley. But if you're willing to not only name your valley, but also name the barrier blocking your way out onto the next mountaintop, you're going to discover the path out of the bad times a lot faster.

Take it from someone who knows. I'm so thankful to have had friends, family, and mentors who have asked me the tough questions, and recently, I've found the courage to ask myself the tough questions. In the end, I've found that it's worth the risk of the pain to be able to find a way, one step at a time, out of the low places.

Gratitude Lesson #2: When Skies Are Gray

As a part of my One Word 2015, Gratitude, I'm trying to take some time to recount and reflect on lessons I'm learning about gratitude.

Today's post is going to be short, but it needs to be written.

It's mid-winter now. Although daylight is finally getting longer again, the cold weather just won't let up, and the odds are that days are cloudy instead of sunny. Life, too, is often "cloudy" and challenging this time of year. Not only are my work and professional commitments abuzz with the turn of the year, this is just one of those times that everything seems to be converging on me all at once.

Some of it is good - new responsibilities at work, the beginning of the graduate student hiring season - and some of it is not so good.

There are times in life when skies are gray, proverbially and literally. What I'm learning to be grateful for are the people around me who manage to bring the sun out whenever they're around. Loved ones who I talk to on the phone or via text or G-chat; coworkers who know exactly what joke or story to tell; students who pop in to tell me enthusiastically about their new program idea or just to say "hi."

These are the bright rays of sunshine that brighten up my cloudy days, and for these moments, I'm awfully thankful.

Gratitude Lesson #1: When your car doors freeze

I knew that when I chose a word like "gratitude" for my 2015 One Word resolution, I would be challenged. All new year's resolutions get challenged eventually, we know this to be fact (that's why we tend to break them!). And with how near and dear this word is to my heart for this year, I figured there were going to be some tough moments over the next 360 days.

And yet, somehow, I didn't expect to be tested before I even got to work today, my first day back for the new year. But there I was. It was 9:30 a.m. this morning, a Monday. It was approximately 21* Fahrenheit outside, and all four doors on my car were frozen shut.

I have to pause the story here to say, I drive a 1999 Honda CR-V. She is a beautiful and special car named Lady Luck, and because she is a bit of a senior citizen, her locks have been known to freeze a time or two before. It's cold in Indiana. It snows occasionally. I do not panic. Normally, my plan of attack is thus:
1. Open the back hatch of my car.
2. Climb into the very back luggage area of my car and then clamber over the backseat and thence into the driver's seat.
3. Pray no one thinks I'm breaking into a random stranger's car to steal it.
4. Start the car, turn the heat on full blast.
5. Play with the (manual) locks a few times, hoping they budge.
6. When they don't, exit the car the same way (while repeating step 3) and go inside to finish getting ready for the day.
7. When I'm ready to depart, climb back in through the very back hatch (again, step 3 is key here) and try the locks again.

At this point, normally one of my backseat passenger doors has unfrozen, so I can close the back hatch and climb in through the back passenger door like a (more) normal person, and then wend my way to campus. Once I've made it to campus, the front driver or passenger door has usually thawed, so I can go about my day as usual.

Today, Lady Luck was just. not. having. it.

I waited for a solid 20 minutes while the heat blasted, while I prayed and jiggled the locks and kicked the doors and wiggled the handles and... nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The clock ticked closer to 9:30 a.m., and I had to face facts - those doors were not. going. to. open.

Twelve hours later, this story is pretty funny. Heck, an hour after it happened this story was funny. But in the moment, I wanted to weep. I wanted to give up, call somebody, pull out a hair dryer and an extension cord (don't think I didn't think about it, I sure did), go to town on my poor mostly-reliable-but-sometimes-decrepit car.

Instead, I paused. I took a deep, frigid breath. I said to myself, "Gratitude." I sent up a little prayer of thankfulness. And I climbed back in my car, turned it off, climbed back out (yep, got my workout in for the day), closed the back hatch, and decided to take the bus.

And you know what? I noticed the sun shining, and how markedly different (friendly, even) frigid winter days seem when the sun shines. I noticed the birds singing, and how particularly beautiful they sounded over the quiet morning air. I pulled up the IU Mobile app, and was infinitely thankful for the genius who came up with live bus tracking. I walked 200 feet from my front door to a bus stop that is free for me to use as an IU employee and whose bus routes spread all throughout campus and town. And when I caught the bus 5 minutes later (a little chilled, I'll admit) I rode in a warm vehicle just 20 minutes right to the front door of the building where I work.

And when I got home this evening (driven by my wonderful grad student), my front driver's side door unlocked and opened up right away.

I guess at the end of it all, I have a lot to be grateful for.

I wonder how I'll exercise my gratitude tomorrow?

My #OneWord2015: Gratitude

I have received incredibly positive feedback about my retrospective of 2014, and I thank you all for reading! To continue the theme of the new year, I decided it's time to reveal my word for 2015.

For the past several years, I have participated in a new way of making new year's resolutions - instead of making a list of things that I just want to improve about myself (and inevitably not meeting those lofty goals), I select One Word that will guide my growth and direction for the coming year. In 2012 I chose "Believe", in 2013 I chose "Center," and this past year, I chose "Simplicity."

The One Word selection is not random; you are encouraged to reflect in several directions before you select a word (or, really, before a word comes to you). First, you should look inward. Reflect, and ask yourself three questions. One, what do I need? Two, what's in my way? And three, what needs to go?

Second, you should look upward. The creators of the One Word Movement encourage prayer and meditation, asking God to let us know what he wants to do in us and through us for the coming year. We are encouraged to sit still and quietly, and to wait for the word to be spoken to our hearts.

Finally, you should look outward. Once a word has been decided, you should SHARE it! Let others know what word will be guiding you for the year, and let them know how your goals are shaping up, so they can support you and hold you accountable.

This blog post is my "look outward." I have done lots of the first two suggestions - I have reflected, looked inward, and thought long and hard about what is working for me and what didn't in 2014. At the link, you can read some of my reflection about what I need more of in my life, what is in my way, and what I think needs to go.

I have also done a LOT of the second suggestion, looking upward. I've blogged many, many times about how important and central my faith is in my life, and I think my word this year really comes from that place of communicating with God. As I think about where I am currently and what my heart needs, the idea of gratitude keeps coming to the forefront, over and over again.

You see, as I prayed and reflected, the things that I discovered I needed, I craved, were things like joy, blessing, kindness, mercy, grace, healing. Although many of you who know me would probably argue that I seem like a pretty joyful and happy person (thank you), I know the truth. I struggle with personal priorities, with putting truly important things (my relationship with God, namely) first. I believe that what you prioritize manifests itself in the rest of your life, and so if I am not prioritizing God and living a Christian life FIRST, that will show. And I think it has. It may not be obvious to anyone else, but I can feel my joy and my energy slip away when I don't put time with God first and foremost in my life. It is not only affecting me and my happiness, it is also affecting the way I interact with others. And if I'm not letting the light of Christ shine in my every action, then what am I doing?

And truly, as I've reflected, I've discovered that this struggle doesn't come from a lack of trying or striving. I would argue that I strive too much. Instead, I have discovered that what I need more of is rest - rest and trust in God and His provisions, and gratitude in my belief that He has already provided for me.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

My theory for 2015 is that if I take more time to be thankful - to appreciate the blessings I already have, to share my gifts with others without asking anything in return, to express to others what they mean to me - my cup will overflow. Instead of worrying about the future, I hope to focus on the present. Instead of comparing myself to others, I hope to be thankful for the strengths I possess. Instead of taking things like my health or my finances for granted, I hope to actively pursue wellness in all forms. I want to let an attitude of gratitude pervade my thoughts and hopefully color all of my decisions and interactions for the coming year.

Does this mean I'm going to be a doormat, to be passive and just let things happen to me? Absolutely not. To me, gratitude is action. Gratitude is not sitting idly by, taking advantage of everything or feeling entitled. Gratitude is using the gifts God has given me to better glorify Him. Gratitude is movement, pursuing, seeking, asking, knocking. Gratitude is recognizing that God has opened and closed various doors in my life, but it is up to me to move through them or past them to forge my path. Gratitude is strength, knowing that "He who calls [me] is faithful, and He will do it" (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

For all these reasons and more, gratitude is my One Word for 2015. I encourage you, if you know me, to check in with me throughout this year to see how I am doing with cultivating an attitude of gratitude. I plan to post again soon with some of my goals relating to my One Word, and I hope that my family, friends, and colleagues hold me accountable to those goals and plans.

I also encourage you to think about your resolutions for 2015. The idea of One Word may not be for you, but is there some driving purpose behind your resolutions for the new year? What do you need more of? What is standing in your way? What needs to go from your life, and what do you need more of in this new year? I wish you all the best for 2015... and thank you for reading.

Looking back at 2014

Page 365 of  365

I was online yesterday, perusing my usual social media sites, and I kept seeing December 31 compared to the last page of a book. I think this is an apropos metaphor - a year's end is like a chapter, or a whole book, coming to a close. For me, 2014 had tremendous ups and downs, and I am thankful for the experiences it brought me, but also thankful that it is done.

In 2014, I...

• Became obsessed with the show "The Wire" (WATCH IT)
• Survived the polar vortex
• Came into my identity as a feminist
• Was a cluster facilitator for IU's LeaderShape retreat and it kind of changed my life
• Got to see the incomparable Meryl Streep and Kevin Kline speak about their careers
• Visited the mountains of North Carolina (and the Biltmore Estate... is that for sale?)
• Attended my first Gamma Phi Beta convention, and fell in love with my sisterhood all over again
• Played co-rec kickball (Sidekicks, are we ready for the coming season??)
• Got addicted to the "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood" game (which I am proud to say I deleted... a week ago)
• Celebrated two years of work at IU Bloomington
• Began advising my Gamma Phi Beta chapter at IU
• Worked as a part of a terrific conference planning team for the inaugural Region VI ACUI conference in Blacksburg, VA

While those are a lot of positive achievements and milestones, I also made a lot of mistakes in 2014, both small and large, at work and personally. I was denied from 2 program proposals at two different national conferences. I struggled with my health and body image. I struggled with events all over the country, those close to my heart and those in which I learned to listen to others' needs as more pressing than my own need to understand (others' struggles with mental illness, what has happened in Ferguson, and so much more). Life always has its ups and downs, of course, but for some reason, 2014 kicked my butt a little more than most years have. 

For the past few years, I have selected one word to guide my goals and resolutions throughout the year. This One Word Movement has had varying success for me throughout the past couple of years - 2012 went GREAT, 2013 not so much - so I did the same for 2014. My One Word for 2014 was "simplicity." For a while at the beginning of the year, the world was incredibly helpful for me to parse through all of the clutter in my life to discern what was important. After a time, though, I found myself getting lost in the proverbial weeds, not seeing the forest for all the trees around me. The little tidbits of my life began to bog me down, and instead of focusing on my mantra of "simplicity," I let myself be distracted and feel downtrodden. I let the things that are really important slip away from my focus, and got mired in the tough day to day living that really can get to you after a while. At the end of 2014, I found myself exhausted, burned out, and confused as to what happened to my beautiful plan of "simplicity" in 2014. The year felt anything but simple!

Upon further reflection, as I've had some time to step away and breathe over this break, I think my mistake was in my attitude. When I had successes, I took them for granted; when I failed, I beat myself up and dwelt on the mistake for longer than I should have. I didn't "live in the moment" like I promised myself I would at the beginning of the year; I was not okay when things didn't go perfectly as I wanted to be. I made the idea of "simple" complicated.

To be fair, I set a lot of lofty goals for myself, and didn't set any plans for how to achieve those goals. I definitely made some progress over the year - I replenished my savings account from lots of traveling; I ran a couple of races and really enjoyed myself (and found myself a running buddy on campus!); I took vacation and did NOT check email; I did some good for myself! But there was so much more I wanted out of the year, and I psyched myself out of those successes. 

I say this not to self-flagellate about mistakes made in the past; I bring these instances up as examples to learn from and so that I can keep growing and understanding and becoming more of the woman I want to be in 2015. I need a change in attitude, because I can see that my current focus isn't working the best it could be. I need a healthy mind and body, to tackle each day as it comes. And I need to love myself (and others) more, to cut myself (and others) more of a break with grace and the understanding that no one is perfect. Guilt and frustration stand in my way, and my "shoulding" (thanks to Mallory Bower for that term!) has got to go. Instead of thinking I can do it all and then feeling angry and guilty when I can't, I want to trust that there's Someone who's taking care of me more than I can know, and sustaining me with strength. Instead of putting frustration out into the world, I want to put out grace, love, and understanding. I want my life to bless others; I want my words to heal and not wound. I want to live each day with an attitude of thankfulness - thankfulness that I get to live this beautiful, crazy, wonderful, sometimes frustrating but ultimately incredible life.

So after all, I guess I got some "simplicity" out of 2014. Because what could be simpler than the idea of gratitude?