Although a cliche phrase, the words "perception is reality" have taken on a new meaning for me in the past year and half of my professional work.
My profession, student affairs, focuses deeply on concepts like
authenticity, intentionality, self-authorship, and
clear interpersonal communication. I think these concepts are important, especially in my work with college students. I want them to learn how to be their own authentic selves. I want them to be internally driven rather than externally motivated. I want them to make their own decisions and choices, and be willing to stand up and speak up for those choices. I want them to learn how to present themselves in a way that is authentic, and professional, and that will lead to their success and happiness after they graduate.
Even more than that, I want to role model these behaviors for my students. I want to be intentional in my interactions with them, to not waste a moment we have together. I want to be authentic with them, so they know I'm a real person who cares about them, not just a "mom" figure or someone who says "no" or who challenges them constantly. I want them to engage in open dialogue with me, to critically listen to what I say and then critically think about the choices and decisions they make as a result. I want to give them constructive feedback, to let them know when they are doing well, and how they can grow and learn from their choices. I want to role model these concepts for my colleagues, too - to be known among my peers as someone who says what she means and means what she says; someone who is real and who really cares.
If I've learned anything as a communication major, higher education and student affairs graduate student, and student affairs professional, though, it's that, to borrow another oft-quoted phrase,
"The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley." Or, for those of us who don't often use Scottish colloquialisms, even the most well-planned or well-intentioned actions or words don't always come across they way we want.
We can be the best-meaning people. We can want the best for the people we interact with on a daily basis. We can truly be authentic and be ourselves in our interactions with others. But
we cannot plan for others' perceptions of us.
How many times have you sent an email that you meant to be kind in tone or generally without emotion, that was received as an attack? How many times have you asked a genuinely curious question, that was received as a criticism? How many times have you done something for someone as a kindness or because you normally would do it, and they take it that you don't trust them or that you're overstepping your boundaries?
These are just small examples of what I've learned in many ways during these first 2 years of my professional work -
perception is reality. Even if I am the most authentic and intentional and REAL person that I can be, I cannot plan for or compensate for how others will see me, react to me, or think of me. So often, we find ourselves doing damage control for something that wasn't even meant to be negative or something that was perceived in COMPLETELY the wrong way. Even so, the negativity was perceived by the other person (or other people), and so has become the reality of the situation.
Perception is reality.
To a point, it's futile to worry about this. As I said, we most often cannot plan for how others will react to us. I think it'd be a mistake to take this TOO far in the other direction, and to be so worried about how others will react to us that we forget to be real, authentic, and internally motivated. But I've learned some ways to counter this often-negative reality, that perception is reality...
1.
Awareness: As the adage goes, the first step to fixing your problem is admitting you have one. Knowing that the way others perceive you is important, and knowing that their perception may not (probably
will not) match your presentation of yourself is even more important. Because this awareness can lead you to...
2.
Proactivity: Another VERY important lesson that I've learned over the past 2 years is from Deb Dunbar, IU's Director of Organizational Development Services: "You cannot hold someone accountable unless you have set expectations for them." In any partnership, relationship, whatever, setting expectations is CRITICAL for governing how interactions will go in the future. Unless you've clarified for the other person what you expect from them - and what they expect from you - you cannot have feedback conversations. Which leads to my next point...
3.
Willingness to have "the tough conversation": As a fairly emotional person, I used to shy away from conflict. I would bottle up my emotions and negative feelings, and then unleash them all at once in huge, knock-down drag-out tear-filled arguments. It has taken adulthood - college, graduate school, and my first real jobs - to learn how to be (more) comfortable with conflict. It has taken time to learn that conflict doesn't necessarily mean an argument or fight; conflict simply can mean addressing tension, miscommunication, or misunderstanding. This is SO key to being able to handle the fact that "perception is reality": once an action is misconstrued or a conversation misunderstood, there's no amount of proactivity that can fix it; you're flying on reactivity alone. But within this reaction, it HAS to be your choice to be an adult and to address the misunderstanding as soon as possible. While someone else's perception of you may have taken a negative turn,
the only way that you can correct that perception is if you address it. And while some may quote Dr. Seuss - "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - the reality of life is that we don't live in a vacuum. We live lives that constantly intersect with others'; human beings are innately social creatures that rely on our relationships to live, work, and love. We cannot write off others' perceptions of us (especially negative ones) as "no matter."
Again, my caveat with this is that we can't let others' perceptions of us rule our lives. For while their perceptions are reality, ours are too! And the only way to address differing perceptions? Talk about it. Share your story, who you are, why you do what you do. Listen to someone else's story. Be open to understanding others and their reality. Reconcile differences. Be proactive in building positive relationships in and for the future.
As the great actress Ellen Page just said (albeit in a
completely different context): "This world would be a whole lot better if we just made an effort to be less horrible to one another." The first step in building a world of understanding is to open yourself up to understanding other people.
How are you going to make the choice today to open yourself up to others' perceptions and reality? How are you going to make this reality a better place, today and every day?
