The Dating Game: Handling Love, Like, and Fit on the Job Search

It's January now, and as the higher education administration job search season rolls around again, I always start to get really interested in people's stories about their job search processes. My own job search just after I graduated from my master's program was rather unique and VERY long, and I love trading "war stories" with friends and colleagues to compare and contrast experiences on the search.

As I reflect, though, "war stories" isn't necessarily the best description of the job search (although I'm sure some of my colleagues can attest to some interviews that felt like battles!). Rather, the most appropriate metaphor I have ever heard, and the one I usually share with people, is that the higher ed job search is like dating. 

So, how did you two meet?

The job search begins with precisely that - a search. Some of us sign up for an "online dating website," i.e. HigherEdJobs.com or Chronicle.com. We carefully craft our profile (resume, cover letter), and start to search for certain criteria for that "special one" - location, job duties, salary. Another route some of us take is to use friends and colleagues to see if that "special one" is on the market without resorting to online methods. We ask mentors, supervisors, friends to pass along that one opportunity that may seem like a good fit ("Oh my goodness, you two would be perfect for each other!").

Sometimes this blind date method can yield amazing results because of the networking connection; sometimes the online dating method is best because you can pick and choose the criteria you're looking for in a position before you meet or talk for the first time. Whatever your methods, much like dating, the key is to get yourself out there, and to know what you're looking for.

Speed-Dating / Going Out on the Town

For many in the dating game, an ideal situation is to go where the "fish" are plentiful, such as out in the community, going to a bar or restaurant, or attending a speed-dating or networking event. This way, you can get to meet potential dates or mates in person first to WOW them with your rugged good looks and sparkling social skills. (Don't we all have those qualities?) In higher education, these social events are placement exchanges, such as NASPA's TPE or ACPA's C3. While not necessarily critical to your job search, these job placement conferences can be an amazing place to meet new people, practice your interviewing skills, and get feedback on your resume and cover letter.

Although my job didn't come from my attending TPE, several of my on-campus interviews did, and I was incredibly thankful for the chance to get to meet employers in person and practice my interviewing skills. The other benefit of these placement exchanges is much the same as your benefit from going out or attending a speed-dating event - you get to see what's out there, and you get to see what qualities or traits a potential job match has that make your heart beat a little faster. Is it the job itself that drew your eye? Is it the conveyed personality of the office or institution? Placement exchanges are a great place to figure out what YOU'RE on the market for, as well as being on the market yourself. Beyond the placement exchange, conferences too can be perfect opportunities to meet with potential employers to feel out open positions.

First Date - the Jitters, being Grilled, and Sparks Flying

Ahhh, the phone interview, or in our job search dating terms, the first date. A time to get to know your potential partner - the institution, the co-workers - but also to impress. You feel the obligation to be your authentic self but ALSO be on your best behavior; you try to strike the right balance of humor and sincerity; of asking questions and answering them. You do your best to read who you're interacting with to gauge their level of interest, all while doing your best to honestly express your interest. Your stomach often shakes with butterflies; you can't tell if there will be another call after or whether just this first interaction is all you'll have... sound nerve-wracking?

I don't mean to make it seem intimidating; in fact, once you get the hang of phone interviews, they can be quite enjoyable, a chance to get a read on the institution for which you're interested in working. But there are always questions. Will they grill you, or make it more like a conversation? How long do you talk in order to express yourself best without droning on and on? How do you honestly talk about yourself without exposing your flaws too quickly? What are the best questions to ask to find out about the culture of the institution and office? Phone interviews, much like first dates, are crap-shoots: they can be duds, or sparks can fly. The best advice I can give is to be prepared - reflect on your stories and your values, and do your due diligence to research the office and the position - and to be yourself.

Meeting the Parents (and Friends, and Exes, and the Whole Darn Family), or the On-Campus Interview
So things went well on your first date - er, interview. So well, in fact, that your date - er, institution - is thinking about making this a permanent arrangement. It's time for that moment, the one that every singleton/job searcher dreads - it's time to meet the parents. In terms of our job searching process, this means the on-campus interview. This is the big one - your opportunity to impress, to sell yourself and what you're about so that the institution can decide if you'll be a fit for them. You want to look your best, feel your best, and interview your best, so prepare, prepare, prepare. Much like dating though, and similarly to the rest of the job-search process, the on-campus interview isn't just a question of whether the employer likes you: it's ALSO a question of whether you can see yourself making that long-term commitment to your potential employer. The "big question" must be answered in a resounding YES by BOTH parties, and the on-campus interview is your prime time to make sure that you're going to find room to grow, to learn, and to become your best self in this "relationship."

While you're preparing to answer questions, prepare to ask lots of them too - what is the office culture like? How does your office interact with its students? What kind of support will you get from supervisors? Where does your office fit in the grand cultural & political scheme of campus? What is it like to live in the city or town? Will your transition be an easy one or a hard one? These are all questions that should be answered before you decide to make a serious step toward that "long-term commitment" of taking a job. And remember, institutions are made up of people, and people are inevitably messy. No one is perfect; even your "perfect" institution probably has its share of skeletons in their closet. So the question to ask is - much like in a long-term relationship - does their baggage match yours?

Will you say YES to the Big Question?
The final step in any job search process is the big one, THE question, the one we all hope for and dream of: the job offer. When your phone lights up with your potential employer's number, your heart starts beating faster, the butterflies in your stomach get to flying... and it's happening! They've picked YOU! This institution wants to make a commitment to YOU!!!

Of course, much like big steps in any relationship - moving in together, getting married, having/adopting children, etc - MUCH thought and preparation should be put into the answer to this question. Did you truly feel a fit with this institution - e.g., are the job duties what you're looking for? Is the office culture supportive of what you need? Do the salary and benefits work for you? Geographically, is this institution in the right place? Mission-wise, does this institution value what you value? If you're able to answer all of these questions in the affirmative, then lucky you - it's time to say YES to your "one." (Or at least, your next "one.")

But once you give that answer, the work is not over. Much like any relationship, expectations must be clarified and set. For anyone who's committed to a long term partner, you know what these questions include - who is handling the finances? Are we combining bank accounts, or keeping them separate? Do we want to have kids, and if so, how many? Is our family going to be spiritual, and if so, what does that look like? (and so on.)

In the same way, you must ask questions of your soon-to-be employer (and negotiate, negotiate, negotiate). Although I'm no expert on negotiation, I can give you a starting list, based on my own experience, of what conversation topics should include with your new employer (and colleagues):

• Start date
• Salary (is there room to negotiate, and does it make sense to do so? When is payday each month, and how often? What benefits get taken out automatically?)
• Benefits (what is covered by the university, and how much? If you're switching institutions, can the retirement fund you've already started be carried over? Can health benefits be carried over? If you have a partner and/or other dependents, how much are they covered under your benefits?)
• Moving assistance (Is there any extra money in the budget to get moving expenses covered?)
• The town/city/area (Where is a good place to live, if you get to live off-campus? How far away should you live, based on your work hours? What are fun things to do near the institution, and far away from it? How far are you from a major airport?)
• University amenities, especially parking & recreational centers (How much is parking per month, and what does faculty/staff parking look like near your building? Do faculty/staff get free membership to campus rec centers, or do you have to pay? If you have to pay, can it be deducted from your paycheck?)
• Time off (How much vacation/sick time is included in your initial benefits package? What is your supervisor's/the institution's approach to flex time vs. vacation time?)
• Professional development (Are you provided any funds by your office, department, or the institution? Is participation in regional, state, and/or national associations encouraged? Are there any conferences that you are expected to attend, based on your functional area? Are there any additional campus grants or funds for which you can apply if you want to attend more than one conference?)
• General day-to-day expectations (What are your hours? What is the office "dress code"? Do your colleagues stop in each other's offices and chat for a short time each day, or does everyone keep to themselves? How full should your calendar be? What are your regular weekly, bi-weekly, and monthly meetings? How does your supervisor expect you to keep him/her informed about your progress?)

Although not an exhaustive list, hopefully these questions spark good and healthy conversation with your new institution and supervisor. Again, healthy communication is the key - it's important to talk about important issues as soon as possible so you can make sure that you and your new employers are on the same page before you begin work.

Happily Ever After?

No job is permanent in this world, especially in an ever-evolving field like student affairs. So while I wish for all of my readers healthy, LONG-lasting long-term relationships (if that's what you're looking for), what I wish for you in the job search is fit. 

I hope that you are taking time, being patient, and making sure to prioritize your values. I hope that you are looking into the future, and applying for jobs that will help you learn and grow and continually become better. I hope that you are applying at institutions whose missions and actions show them to be principled employers who care about student well-being. 

Most of all, even though it might not be an "ever-after," I do wish you a HAPPY job searching, and a GOOD job that will enable you to do your BEST work.

And I Must Go

When I was younger, I would have told you I was a beach person. My birthday is in the summer, and I reveled in the extremes of the hot sun and the cool water. I also grew up 8 hours from the beach, so getting to visit the ocean was always a special trip. I loved the grittiness of the sand, the saltiness of the water, the push and pull of the waves. I loved the exhausted feeling at the end of the day, when you're a bit sunburnt and thirsty and the rasp of salt and sand is still on your skin, but you know you've had a day well-spent in the water.

I still love the ocean today; there's something so tranquil about hearing the waves crash and feeling your body float in the tide, about searching for (and not finding) where the water ends and the sky begins.

But, as I've gotten older, the mountains have grown on me more and more.

When I was in my early teens, I used to travel each summer to Ruidoso, New Mexico, with family friends. There was something so exciting about the trip into the mountains - seeing the rugged shapes rise from the flat landscape in front of you, feeling the temperature shift and drop, smelling the pine trees as they tower over the roadside. We'd hike near our cabin, play in the freezing stream, go bear-watching at night... and would come down feeling so rested and refreshed.

In my life so far, I've had the chance to visit the Appalachians and the Rockies, the Davis Mountains of Texas, the Green Mountains of Vermont, the Uwharrie Mountains of the Carolinas, among others. All of them speak to me on an elemental, soul-stirring level. The mountains soothe my spirit when I'm troubled. They make me feel brave.

I can't help but believe some of this is genetic. My mother's people come from the Smokies, generations of folks making their way in the wilderness of East Tennessee, and before that, in the highlands of Scotland. My father's people hail from the cragged, rocky wilds of Sicily and the rolling green hills of Ireland.

Maybe a little piece of my soul remembers that the mountains are a haven. The towering heights aren't a danger, but a home.

Sitting on a ledge or a hillside, awestruck at the panorama in front of me.

Snow and ice everywhere, trying not to slip as I walk the trails, but not caring when I fall.

The rocks retaining their sun-baked warmth, as the desert spreads out in front of me all the way to Mexico.

The way the clouds roll in and change around the summits of the Smokies, sunny one minute; foggy and mysterious the next.

Walking through a patch of wildflowers, hearing the bees buzz and the birds sing.

Climbing a ladder that's bolted into the rock, fearing the heights but knowing the climb is worth it.

As I focus in 2016 on being well,  I am trying to spend time figuring out what makes me feel whole and complete, and doing more of those things. So I'll tell you - I've spent almost every weekend of 2016 so far climbing one kind of mountain or another, and I plan to keep on climbing whenever I can.

"I couldn't help myself. -The hills were beckoning and... the sky was so blue today... and everything was so green and fragrant, I had to be a part of it." - Fraulein Maria, The Sound of Music

"The mountains are calling, and I must go." - John Muir

Focus Downhill, or, Lessons I Learned from Skiing

This Christmas, for the first time EVER, my immediate family decided to play rebel and do our own individual family vacation. We talked throughout 2015 about how nice it would be to spend some quality time together, just the four of us, and so my awesome parents planned us a trip to Killington, Vermont.

For those of you who aren't familiar, Killington is a beautiful resort nestled in the picturesque Green Mountains of Vermont. It has long been known in skiing circles as one of the premiere ski destinations, and they pride themselves on having the longest season of any ski resort. (Irony of all ironies, it had not snowed yet this season while we were there, so sadly, many of their runs were closed. But we still had an AWESOME time.)

I myself have never skied before in my LIFE, so I knew this was going to be an interesting trip. I was reflecting this morning on some of the things that I managed to pick up while on the mountains, and so I thought I'd share these insights with a broader audience.

The not-so-snowy-or-Green Mountains

Focus Downhill, OR, Lessons I Learned From Skiing

1. Set yourself up with the right equipment.
Almost as soon as we checked into Killington, we sought out the equipment rental shop. (Unfortunately it was closed for the evening when we arrived, but we went FIRST THING the next morning, before we skied.) Before you ever set foot on a mountain, you need to make sure that you're set up with the right equipment. If your boots are ill-fitting, or your poles are too long or too short, or your skis are too long, you will find the journey ahead VERY difficult.

In skiing, as in life, preparation is everything. You have to have the right tools to help you out before you can start the work ahead.

2. Read the slope before you slide down it.
Like I said, I had never skied before we went on this trip. I've skated before - inline roller blades and ice skating - and knew that the basics would apply, but only marginally. So, wisely, my parents signed me (and themselves) up for ski lessons on our first day. It's not impossible to ski without lessons, but it is very difficult.

Keith was our intrepid instructor, and one of his very first lessons to us was how to put on skis. Apparently, you have to read the slope that you're on when you are laying your skis down, and place them perpendicular to the slope. Otherwise, your skis will quickly slide away from you, and you'll look like an idiot chasing your skis downhill. (Plus, it's VERY difficult to run in ski boots.)

This makes sense if you think about it - you need to read your surroundings before you jump in. You need to learn which way is downhill (and which way is up) before you endeavor to ski on your merry way. In skiing, as in life, awareness of your surroundings is critical.

3. Focus downhill.
This is probably my favorite lesson I picked up on our ski trip. As Keith was teaching us the basics on our first day, he made sure to emphasize the goal of keeping your torso and head pointed down the hill at all times. If you look at your feet too much, or focus too short-sightedly at the slope just ahead of you, you can lose direction and momentum. You could also run over someone - the corollary to this lesson, as my brother sagely stated, is, "Pay attention to the skiers in front of you. Ignore the skiers behind you."

In skiing, as in life, it can be unhealthy for you to focus too much on the short-term, or the past. In order to be truly successful, you've GOT to think about the future. Even though it's tempting to focus on the here-and-now, ultimately, thinking about what's ahead will better guide your current steps. You don't have to think ALL the way to the end, but focusing on something further in front of you will make your path more smooth.

4. Don't be afraid to take risks.
On the first day, my parents and I stuck to the bunny slope in order to work on our basic skiing skills. The next day, though, it was important to me to branch out, to challenge myself. My dad and I spent half the morning skiing on the one green run that was open, and then the rest of the morning my dad, brother, and I took on a blue run. In retrospect, I was NOT READY FOR A BLUE (see the next lesson learned), but I'm glad that I tried it.

In skiing, as in life, it's important to take risks. I'm glad I tested my boundaries, and I'm glad I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone. It was terrifying, but I survived it, and feel more accomplished for having done it (even if I failed miserably). Which brings me to...

5. Everybody has to start (and fail) somewhere.
I was not. ready. for. a. blue. run.
I fell on ice, and slid away from my skis, and my brother had to drag me back to the snow.
I fell in the middle of the run, and had to drag myself over to the side of the slope so I didn't get run over by the MUCH more experienced skiers and boarders.
I fell on flat parts of the run.
I fell on steep parts of the run.
I  fell at least a dozen times, and because I have very little upper body strength, I had to take off my skis EVERY TIME I FELL, and put them back on again. I was exhausted.
At times, I gave up, and walked down part of the slope. I was absolutely terrified. I had an emotional breakdown at one point, and my poor, sainted father had to quite literally talk me down.

In skiing, as in life, failure is inevitable. But you have to start somewhere. You have to learn your limits, and accept them, and then pick yourself up and try again. You have to acknowledge the fear when it comes, and then let it go to move on. You have to know when to try something, and when to ask for help.  And, you have to be thankful for the people who are helping you on the journey (bless my dad and brother. A run that would have taken them 30 minutes took the three of us an hour and a half, and they stuck with me the whole way).

~

Ultimately, we had a great time skiing. Even though it wasn't easy, it was such a fun and adventurous experience to wrap up 2015 and begin 2016. I'm so thankful that my family went on this journey together, and spent a happy Christmas in Vermont (even without snow!).

My #OneWord2016: Well

Since 2012, I have chosen to mark each year with the choosing of One Word. The idea behind this movement is that, instead of setting resolutions for the new year that you may (or may not) keep, you choose one word that signifies what you want to focus on for the year, what you need more of in your life, and what needs to change for you. In 2012, my word was "Believe;" in 2013, it was "Center;" in 2014, it was "Simplicity;" and in 2015, I chose "Gratitude." All of those words turned out incredibly meaningful for me, especially considering the many events and changes of the past four years. 

And now, the page has turned into a new year. The earth has taken off on her course of another revolution around the sun, and I sat myself down and thought about what I want, what I need, what I hope for in 2016. 

Let's look at the facts: 2016 will mark my 28th year on the planet. It will see the completion of my first year in my new job, and my fourth professional year post-masters. This year will mark 10 years since I graduated from high school, and 6 since I graduated from college. It will see me celebrating a year as a North Carolinian. 

When I think beyond these facts, though, and envision where I want to be in 366 days (because, of course, let's not forget that 2016 is a leap year!), I picture myself happy. I picture myself more confident. I picture my faith having grown, as well as my care for others. I picture stronger relationships. I picture a grown woman who may not know where she'll be at the end of the following year, but one who knows from where her strength comes, and one who finds joy in each day.

Really, considering this goal, there was only one word that can guide my 2016: well. 

To be "well" means to be in good health, to be of sound body and mind. It means that something is satisfactory and pleasing and good. "Well" means gratifying. "Well" to me is almost a synonym for "whole" - not a thing is missing, and if it is, it doesn't matter (or, one is strong enough to seek out the missing thing).

Doesn't that sound good, to be well? I would love to end this year feeling that I grew in wellness, that I became more holistically sound and satisfactory and gratified and whole.

So, I'll be focusing at different times this year on the six different dimensions of wellness: occupational, physical, social, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. I haven't decided yet if each month will be a focus on a different dimension, or whether I'll set small goals for each dimension each month; stay tuned for that plan. But I thought that this approach would touch every part of my life - my body, my soul, and my mind, as well as my external world and my relationships.

Well in 2016 means I want to worry less, and procrastinate less. It means I want to eat better and get moving more. It means I want to spend less money in the short-term to save up for the long-term. It means I want to invest more in my relationships and strengthen them. It means I want to re-focus on my relationship with God, to return fully to Him and to rely fully on Him. 

This January 1, I'm making a commitment to be well in 2016. I invite you to keep up with my journey, as well as to ask me about my progress throughout the year. 

I have a good feeling about 2016. How can I not? This morning began with coffee, with prayer time, with writing, and with sharing my hopes and dreams for the coming year. 

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.