Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Worrywart

Alright, confession time: I have found it extraordinarily liberating to take part in the #OneWord movement for the past couple of years, for the particular reason that it supplants having to make new year's resolutions. Instead of making a list of all the things I'm going to do better in the new year (and inevitably disappointing myself; let's be honest, it's HARD to keep those resolutions when all that Valentine's Day chocolate rolls around), I like the idea of living my year based on just one word. Of course, I make goals and plans that relate to living my life centered around this word, but it's infinitely easier to make goals when they have a theme.

Now, though, we get into the hard part. Confession #2: I HATE making goals for myself. I love the idea of setting goals--it's something to work toward! Something to focus on! Something to achieve! But in practice, I set this big ol' goal... and then I get scared. I get scared that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. I worry that I will not achieve the goal in the best way, or in a timely manner. I worry that I will let myself and others down in trying to achieve the goal and failing. 

A perfect example for you--this year, I want to focus on simplicity as my #OneWord2014. During my day off yesterday, I started to make some goals surrounding simplicity, plans for how to make my life easier, more straightforward, and better this year. One of these aforementioned goals is to have a better handle on my finances, especially my student loan debt, and to have a mental picture of what I'm responsible for as well as for how long I'll be responsible. So I get onto some federal student loan websites... and immediately start panicking. This is all incomprehensible. Why do they not explain this stuff to you when you sign up? Is there a human being on this planet who can intelligibly explain this nonsense to me? WHAT IF I'M SADDLED WITH THESE LOANS FOREVER?!? (If you've ever tried to grasp the concept of loan consolidation by yourself, you can probably empathize with these sentiments.)

Here I am, wanting to make my life more simple, easier... and my goal-setting methods (you know, normal things like "research" and "action steps") are only making me more confused, feel more stupid, and feel more irresponsible than I did when I began. And then I get discouraged... what's the good of setting goals if they're just going to terrify me, and set me up for more worry and more stress than I had previously? This process is extraordinarily self-defeating and disheartening for me.

I wanted to blog about this because I'm guessing I'm not alone in my detestation for this process. It's easy to feel discouraged and disheartened when a big journey or big task is ahead. So how do I overcome this fear, this stress, this overwhelmed feeling when I have tasks ahead of me? 

To be honest, that's part of what this year of simplicity is about--trying to ease the feeling of drowning, and get to the problem at its core. For me, then, the solution is multifaceted, and will need to be practiced and discussed over the coming year, and I plan to find accountability partners who will help me with the process. Here's my plan to lessen the worry and to ease the fear in 2014:

1. Pray more. Faith, as I've mentioned, is a BIG part of my life, and a big lesson that I've been learning recently is that I take a lot on myself and entrust very little to God. However, a huge part of maturing in the Christian faith is learning how to let go of the little things, and to let God sweat the small stuff. If my faith tells me that "In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Rom. 8:28), then it's my job to practice believing and acting on that. To overcome the fear, I want my mantra to be what the wonderful Sarah Young said in her devotional, Jesus Calling: "Anxiety is a result of envisioning the future without [God]." If God is there, and I believe He will be, then there will be no need for worry. All I can do is offer my fear and worries up in prayer, and then let. them. go.

2. Ask for help. At times, I'm really good at asking for help. For example, when I had my mini-panic about my student loans, one of the first things I did was call my parents. They may not have a lot of concrete information about how the whole loan consolidation thing works, but they are calm and cool-headed in times when I am not, and they often help me think of small action steps that I can take to surmount big problems. Not only that, but they are sympathetic listeners, and eager to help me attack my problems. Seeking others' advice is something I need to practice more in other aspects of my life. I need to be more honest when I am feeling overwhelmed, and to seek others' perspectives and advice when I have a problem or when I feel confused or anxious. That's what family and community are for, after all--to support each other. I hope and expect that my friends and family can bring their problems to me for a sympathetic ear and good ol' strategic thinking session; I should reciprocate instead of trying to handle all my problems on my own (balancing, of course, actually asking for help vs. constantly complaining about life's hardships). 

3. One small step. This is something I counsel the students I work with on often, but in all honesty find it hard to practice myself--small action steps. Whenever I set a goal, I get so lost in how big the overall goal is that I often get intimidated and turn away. A thousand miles is a LONG way to walk (and no, I'm not getting all Proclaimers or Vanessa Carlton on you right now). But, to cite that oft-used metaphor: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. What is the one, small, easy, simple thing that I can do right now to start toward my goal? 

Hopefully, by practicing--and repeating--Steps 1-3 above, I can work toward lessening the worry and anxiety I often feel over the coming year. I want life to be simple and full of joy, not stressful and scary (as it often already is on its own). 

What are some methods that you use to overcome anxiety and worry in your life? How are you planning to be less stressed in 2014?

Monday, January 6, 2014

Dealing With the Stuff

As you probably know quite well by now, my #OneWord for 2014 is simplicity (read about why I picked it here). In these first six days of the year, the word has been treating me well--I've been thinking about how to be honest about my limitations and learn from them, and also how to take it easier on myself. I've started simple habits of budget management (i.e. better tracking of my spending using mint.com and GoogleDocs), and I've been drinking lots of water.

Really, I decided that this first month of 2014 was going to be key in habit formation. In order to live a simpler life in 2014, one that is natural, unembellished, sincere, and straightforward, I want to practice good habits that will make my life easier and that will embody simplicity. Some of these habits are emotional, mental, and spiritual--taking it easier on myself, as previously mentioned; blogging more (which you can see I've already been following up on!); taking time each day for Bible study. Some of the habits, though, are physical, and not only things I am doing for my physical self (i.e. drinking water), but also habits that involve the physical space around me.

Toward the end of 2013 (a.k.a. about a week and a half ago), part of the thinking that led me to realize that I wanted to focus on simplicity in the coming year was that I kept being drawn to blogs, Pinterest boards, and life tips that inspired me to clean, declutter, and focus on minimalism. Whenever I look at design blogs like this one, or read lifestyle blogs like this one, it makes me want to live a life that is that aesthetically and mentally pleasing--a place for everything and everything in its place, a home that is welcoming and calming and restful. Part of achieving those goals for me is decluttering and streamlining; thus, my goal of simplicity.

Well, this weekend proved a wild one weather-wise here in Bloomington (current temperature outside: -8 degrees Fahrenheit), so I got started on my decluttering in short order. I decided to clean out my bedroom closet and dresser yesterday, and had a grand old time doing it.

The good news: I ended up with enough junk to toss to make 3 trips to the dumpster and enough stuff to donate to Goodwill to fill 2 bags (and counting).

The bad news: I am quite a sentimental creature, so there are some things I won't (can't, refuse to) part with. I have a cardboard box in my closet that has memory scraps from the past 15 years of my life (someday I'll do something with them. Someday). I have an AWFUL time getting rid of clothes; I can always convince myself that I'll wear something again. I keep old instruction/owner's manuals (you NEVER know when you're going to need them), I keep copies of bills and invoices for a year (again, should the IRS decide to audit me or something I'll HAVE to have them), and I even keep old journals and planners (want to know what I was up to on January 6th five years ago? I can probably tell you).

Acknowledging this weakness of sentimentality, though, I accomplished some small victories yesterday, and I decided small victories and joys are what count for this year. (In fact, I'm keeping an "it's the little things" jar in my living room to track some small victory and/or joy each day of the year.) I am now fully aware of everything that is in my closet, something that I did not know 24 hours ago. I have made room for more stuff, should more stuff enter my life (because, let's be real, there will ALWAYS be more stuff). I have ruthlessly thrown away or donated things that I really didn't need to keep; I have made a small move toward more simplicity in 2014.

This year will require me dealing with lots of stuff, I think, in order to live a simpler life--physical stuff, emotional stuff, mental stuff, spiritual stuff. But my goal of living a sincere, natural, and easy life in 2014 is more important to me than all the clutter in my life, and so the best I can do is make small steps each day to achieve my goal!

How are you dealing with your stuff in 2014? What small steps are you taking each day to accomplish your goals, hopes, and dreams for the year?

Saturday, January 4, 2014

How Does the Defendant Plead?

Thanks to my older brother, I've been watching "one of the greatest" (it's pretty darn great) shows to ever be on television: "The Wire." (If you have HBOGo, I highly recommend a watch. But be warned, it's addicting!) One of my very favorite characters on the show is Rhonda Pearlman, an Assistant State's Attorney for Maryland. She is tough, she is sassy, and she is an amazingly strong female character on a largely male-dominated show.
The Queen, Rhonda Pearlman
I bring up Ronnie today because I've been thinking a lot this morning about the idea of guilt. Or, as dictionary.com puts it, "a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, wrong, crime, etc., whether real or imagined."

As I've gotten older, I've dealt more and more with guilt in relation to how I spend my time. Whenever I sleep in, as I did this morning (11 a.m., yeesh!), I feel guilty that I've wasted half my day. Whenever I decide to spend the day at home, I feel guilty that I'm missing time with friends. Whenever I want to binge-watch "The Wire," I feel guilty that I could be spending my time in better pursuits. But where does this guilt come from? Why am I feeling remorseful for the above actions? In the spirit of my #OneWord2014, simplicity, I wanted to think about this today.

As I've been reflecting, I often hold myself to ridiculously high standards of perfection in many areas of my life, and these standards are taking their toll. Whenever I make a mistake, I berate myself for it, much longer than anyone else would. Whenever I feel irresponsible--for example, sleeping in half a day, or spending my time binge-watching a TV show instead of doing other, more "responsible" things--I spend my time wrapped in anxiety that I'm not getting things done instead of enjoying leisure time. My personal standards of "adulthood," of "responsibility," have started to take their toll on my mental wellness. So instead of enjoying my recharging time on a Saturday (as an introvert, I NEED time to recharge by myself), I spend half the day laying around and the other half scolding myself for being so lazy. This is NOT healthy. I know I need the quiet time, the recharge time. So why not simply let myself be? Why not let my weekends be a simple time of rest, of catching up on TV shows that I like? I mean, clearly, if I'm sleeping 'til 11 a.m., my body needs the rest. So why do I get so down on myself for enjoying time off? Life does not CONSTANTLY have to be about going, doing, creating, achieving. Sometimes, we all need some well-deserved simple time to breathe.

Don't get me wrong--I don't want to and don't plan to use my OneWord as an excuse to become a lazy bum. Living my life more in more simplicity in 2014 does not mean that I'm going to slack off in my every day life, or cut corners because it's easier. In fact, a huge part of my plan for this year is to create good habits for taking care of myself and for getting things done.

Even so, I've realized that I hold myself to perfection and that standard is creating unnecessary anxiety, worry, and guilt in my life, so this year needs to be spent in pursuit of simplicity--what is natural, what is easy to understand and to deal with,  what is sincere--and learning to let myself off the hook in order to be able to breathe, exist, just LIVE. I want to pursue a natural and straightforward life, not one full of stress.

So instead of going all Ronnie Pearlman on myself--and believe me, that woman KNOWS how to prosecute a criminal--I'm going to negotiate a deal. I'm going to plead "not guilty" for enjoying time to rest, to think, to just enjoy a TV show. I'm going to try to build a habit of NOT persecuting myself for needing down-time. I'm also going to multitask; to put in a load of laundry as a new episode of "The Wire" is starting, to make my bed and do a little cleaning before I get to turn on the TV, to pause in midafternoon for a grocery store run instead of staying inside all day.

In the spirit of simplicity, I'm going to try to live 2014 with less worry, less anxiety, and less guilt. Life is hard enough already; why try to make it harder? As "The Wire's" brilliant Detective Bunk says, "Every man got to have a code." My code for this year is to allow myself room to BREATHE, and to not punish myself for all those silly imagined offenses of irresponsibility.

How are you going to let yourself plead "not guilty" more this year? What are the negotiations you make in order to enjoy your balance time, your "me-time"?

Thursday, January 2, 2014

From Self-Reliance to Sharing Gifts

As I've blogged about before, my faith is incredibly important to me. Today's post starts with a Bible verse, but then expands into a life lesson that I hope to live by for this year, and that I hope proves valuable for some of you reading this blog!

I was doing my daily Bible study yesterday, New Year's Day, in order to try to keep true to my #OneWord2014 of "Simplicity"; in this case, getting back to the basics of what's important (i.e. my faith). My daily devotional led me to the book of Romans (the letter from Paul to the new Christians in Rome, which talks all about the basic building blocks of Christianity, which at the time of writing was a brand new faith), Chapter 12. I'll include the text that inspired me below:

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. (Romans 12:3-6, NIV)

As I've blogged about in the past couple of days, 2013 was a wake-up call for me. As I've been reflecting, I realized that I have formed the habit of holding myself to impossibly high standards, and then trying to accomplish EVERYTHING by myself. I try to put forth this facade of perfectionism, of knowing everything, of confidence and self-esteem, honestly in hopes that people will perceive me that way (and thus I'll start trusting myself in those areas... fake it 'til you make it, right?). But, over the past week, I've been realizing what a MESS holding myself to this high standard has made me. By expecting perfection of myself (something NO ONE ELSE does), and by expecting that I'll be able to handle everything on my own all the time, I've undermined my own confidence and certainty. I've been building this beautiful outer shell, but not dedicating any time to working on building a strong foundation. And because of this, the outer shell I've built is starting to crack.

I share this with all of you in the spirit of honesty, of freedom from deceit or guile that my #OneWord2014 (simplicity) signifies. I hope that by identifying the areas in my life where I'm hiding, where I'm being dishonest, where I'm not being vulnerable, I can completely break away my false outer shell and let my inner light shine.

Here's where the Bible verse above comes back in: I want to think of myself in sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given me. I want to be honest with myself about what I can truly accomplish on my own, and know when to seek help for all the rest. I want to know when to be confident in my own skills, and when to go to God for reassurance about my weaknesses. Or, in the words of another, simpler (because in 2014 I love simplicity!) translation, "...I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought [not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him." (Romans 12:3, Amplified Bible) I want to be clear and open and honest about where I'm failing and falling. I want to be truthful with myself that, while I am learning and while I am capable, I CANNOT do everything by myself. Because of my Christian faith, I want to go to God for the strength to learn from my mistakes, and to use that faith to grow and rely more fully on God and move forward.

And here's where the hopeful bit comes in. The rest of the passage above talks about how, as humans, we have a body with MANY parts, and all of those parts serve an important, indispensable function. In the same way, in the Christian faith, in the "body of believers" EVERY person (member) serves an important, indispensable purpose, because God has endowed each of us with special gifts and talents that are unique ONLY to us. It is then our job to bring those talents to the table, and serve others (and, most importantly, God).

Even if you have a different faith than mine, or faith isn't your thing, I think there's a powerful message we can gain from this. Human beings are amazing, miraculous creatures, capable of exploring deep oceans and flying to the moon and bringing forth life and saving ecosystems. But, we are also limited. We have a finite number of hours in the day in which we can do work before we have to crash and sleep. We have a finite number of years on this earth before our lives are done. So we have to take HONEST stock of ourselves (to "think of ourselves in sober judgment," if you will), to understand what our limitations are.

However, even acknowledging those limitations, even living with those limitations, every human being on this planet is important and indispensable. We all have talents, strengths, gifts, whatever you want to call them, and in order to make this world a better place, I am a FIRM believer that it's our job to bring those talents and gifts to the table to serve other people.

So, I'm going to be more honest about my limitations this year. I'm going to stop trying to be so self reliant, to ask for help more, to try to learn from my failures and mistakes. BUT I'm ALSO going to seek to utilize my strengths more, and to hone my gifts. There are things that I'm bad at, and I need to be okay with that, but there are also things that I'm good at, that I need to be thankful for. And I owe everyone--family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, students, strangers, everyone--my time, my talents, and my treasures. Gifts are meant to be shared. Light is meant to shine.

In 2014, I'm trying to go back to the basics, to find simplicity--what is natural, what is unembellished, what is sincere. Two important parts of this quest will be (1) acknowledging and being honest about my limitations, but also (2) bringing my gifts to bear, and using BOTH my strengths and weaknesses to love and serve others better and more this year.

How can you acknowledge and learn from your limitations this year? How will you utilize your strengths more? How will you let your light shine brighter in 2014?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

My #OneWord2014

I've posted previously about the #oneword phenomenon: you choose One Word by which you will live your year. In 2012, my #oneword was "Believe" (see the year in review here) and in 2013, my #oneword was "Center" (see the year in review here).

As you may be able to tell from my post, my 2013 OneWord was not quite as successful as I'd hoped, in that I didn't end the year a more centered, calm, rational, confident human being. In fact, quite the opposite--I ended 2013 more unsure of myself than perhaps I've ever been before. But, ultimately, I decided that that is okay. Don't they (although I don't know who "they" are) always say that your twenties are a time for questioning, for failing and falling and picking yourself back up again, for making mistakes and learning from them? I've never really allowed myself to do that before; in fact, at the end of 2013 I realized that I really am rather hard on myself. I expect confidence, I expect perfection, I expect my life to be together at all times. And that is SIMPLY not how life WORKS, ya know? Life is messy, and hard, and just when you think you're on the up-and-up you trip and stumble and fall. But life can also be beautiful and gorgeous and silly and fun and just when you think you're stuck in a hole, a loved one jumps in the hole with you and shows you the way out (yes, that's a "West Wing" reference. You're welcome).

So for 2014, I've decided to be okay with the crazy roller coaster that we call life. I've decided to do my best to improve myself and my circumstances, to love others around me, and to be okay when things get messy. In order to support myself with this new mantra, I've picked a OneWord for 2014. Are you ready?

My #OneWord2014 is: simplicity.

How beautiful, right? Just the word "simplicity" itself rolls off your tongue, and makes you feel like life is going to be okay.
To help direct my reflections and my action plan, I turned toward the ever-brilliant dictionary.com for my definitions.
1. the state, quality, or an instance of being simple (i.e. easy to understand, not elaborate or artificial, unadorned, natural, unembellished)
2. freedom from complexity, pretentiousness, etc.
3. freedom from deceit or guile; sincerity

THOSE are the things I want in 2014. Understanding, authenticity, sincerity, freedom from complexity. I want to clear my life of the clutter, and of all the extras that I don't need, and to get back to the basics of what is TRULY important.

I acknowledge that life is hard, and that life can be complicated. BUT, and here's the thing, I ALSO know that I can choose my response to life's hardness. I can choose my reaction. I can choose how I live my days; I can practice sincerity and understanding and freedom from complexity in order to try to bring a little understanding back into my own life. I won't and can't know everything, I won't and can't understand everything. But if life were a little more simple, a little more direct, a little more natural, mightn't we be happier, more joyful? Isn't it worth a try?

So here are some of the ways I'm going to practice simplicity in 2014.

  • Overall living: be okay with falling & failure. worry less. pray more. be kinder to myself. celebrate small victories and joys. 
  • Health: try to find good habits that fit my life. pre-cook meals so that lunches during the week are easier and less stressful (and I'll be less inclined to eat unhealthfully). drink more water.
  • Home: pare down unneeded possessions. donate to those more needy than I. begin good cleaning habits to keep my home in better repair. 
  • Work: utilize my Outlook calendar to plan out task completion. plan for interruptions so they're less off-putting. ask for help more. be more honest and direct with my co-workers and students. 
  • Finances: simplify, simplify, simplify, especially in regard to impulse buys. save more.
  • Family & Friends: write more. call more. love more.
  • Work/Life Balance: create good habits of me-time, friend-time, and God-time. journal and blog more (to reflect more). set aside time to look ahead so I feel more prepared for each week.
As you can see, some of the key things that this year will include are clearing the noise and clutter, building good habits, being sincere and honest, and being okay when things don't go perfectly. I think that last one will really be the key to living, loving, and learning in 2014: life will NOT be perfect OR perfectly simple. But the more I can do to learn when things go wrong, the better. And the more I can be honest with myself and with others about who I am and what I'm learning, the better.

I think practicing simplicity in 2014 will, more than anything, come down to learning how to live in the moment. Life will get complicated, it always does. But there is and always will be some small joy to celebrate in each moment of each day. I can't spend too much of my time looking back, missing or regretting the past, nor looking forward, worrying or trying to conquer the future. The most I can do is just LIVE