Growing Pains

Here I am in the sixth week of graduate school, in the sixth week of a new phase of my life, and I figured it was time to sit down and take stock of everything. Before I get to the meat of the post, let me preface with a mini-life update, and then I’ll share what has spurred my newest “Eureka!” moment.

Life in my new state is… different. Last time I posted, I spoke to my feelings of fear about my job; fear that I would be inadequate and fear of being far away from home. Well, I started my job and my new graduate classes, and, surprisingly, the first few weeks breezed by. It has definitely been part of the growing-up challenge to get used to my routine (work during the day, class in the evenings, balancing homework time and social life time), but slowly I’m getting the hang of the balance. Luckily, I’m surrounded by a wonderful group of new friends and wise professionals who are more than willing to support me and share their own experiences.

All the professionals I’ve met along the way have been more than happy to share their grad school highs and lows, which has been SUCH a valuable resource for me during both the application process and now that I’m actually a grad student. However, I wish I had listened to them a little more closely…

You see, as I was going through the grad school decision-making process, I was told by all of my mentors and advisors that there would be an intense period of unease in my first semester as a grad student. They all told me that they were homesick, tired, and struggled with questioning their decision to attend grad school. When I heard all of this, of course I sympathized, but in the deep recesses of my mind, I thought, “I can get through all that. Sure, I might be a little homesick, but there’s no reason to question why I’m in student affairs—I know I’m happy in this field, that I can make a difference!”

How silly of me, to think I was above that struggle.

Sure enough, the past week has been a very thought-provoking and intense time, with me being uncomfortable and unsure of myself in EVERY aspect of my life, and desperately wondering whether I was meant to do this after all. It wasn’t caused by any one factor, which should have clued me in to what this struggle was REALLY about, but it did seem overwhelming and all-encompassing.

Two experiences have helped me begin to process these crazy and intense emotions and questions.

First, in my wonderful Student Personnel Work class, our professor asked us how our transition was going. I raised my hand and was honest with the class that I was having a tough time. And then… ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE RAISED THEIR HANDS AND SAID THE EXACT SAME THINGS. Turns out, my mentors and advisors were right (as usual :))—EVERYONE goes through a period of homesickness, discomfort, and questioning. As my professor put it, we ARE in a transition right now. We are neither here nor there—a strange combination of professional and student, distanced from our undergraduate institutions yet not entirely certain of our new institution, far from old friends and settling in with new. And IT’S OKAY TO BE IN THIS AWKWARD TIME. Hey, everyone’s awkward right now. We just have to embrace it, own it, and learn from it.

The second “Eureka!” moment I had regarding my struggle came last night, in my Ethical Leadership in Higher Education class. There we were, discussing different leadership theories, talking about how the study of leadership has changed over the decades. In the midst of our deep discussion, we hit upon Heifetz and Laurie’s 1999 article “The Work of Leadership” and their discussion of how to deal with active challenges versus technical challenges, and then dealing with the resulting distress.

That word “distress” resonated with me, and with the class—we spent a significant portion of the discussion on what it means to deal with adaptive challenges and the distress that comes with them. In an adaptive challenge, change is necessary. With change comes stress, discomfort, and pain. As a leader, you must be able to negotiate the line between encouraging your followers to grow (and dealing with their resulting discomfort) and pushing them too hard.

Here comes the “Eureka!”; maybe you’ve already spotted it—with change comes stress, discomfort, and pain.

Think about physical growth when you’re a child and adolescent—you experience growing pains, your body’s physical manifestation of the growth that’s occuring. In mental and professional growth, we must also deal with pain; it just doesn’t manifest itself physically (although ask your average grad student, and I bet you we can tell you ALL about our physical problems because of our stress!), but rather as acute discomfort and pain. Growth IS stress. That’s a fact of life.

However, when the “growth spurt” is done, when you’re out of the “pressure cooker” and on the other side, you have to consider—wasn’t the pain worth it?

For me, the pain WILL be worth it. For the rest of my career, yeah, I’ll have to deal with stress, discomfort, and sometimes pain, but if it makes me a better person and a better professional, isn’t it worth it? Yes, it is.

And just as I accept and embrace my fear, I accept and embrace ALL of the discomfort that comes with growth, because it means that, slowly but surely, I’m growing up. The question is how I’m going to deal with the discomfort as it comes. And thankfully, I have family, friends, and colleagues who are the best support I could ask for in my times of growth. I can only hope I serve them the same way.

The sixth week of my graduate career is almost at a close; the rest of my career is on the horizon. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Don't let your life pass you by

So this is change.

Tonight, as I hung up on two consecutive phone calls from two good friends and former counselors of mine, I experienced the first (well, second—first was watching my parents drive away) acute and stinging pangs of homesickness.

Let me qualify: So far, my new home state is beautiful. I enjoyed the drive here (although it was LONG), I’ve enjoyed settling in with my roommates, I have LOVED getting to know my new cohort classmates and cannot wait to embark upon the journey of the next three years with them. We have orientation tomorrow (I LOVE that word and all it stands for) and I start work Tuesday; we have a busy welcome week with classes starting a week from tomorrow! And I cannot WAIT to get to know my students.

That being said, it’s hard to let go of the past. This time of year is always special because of my beloved organizations, and here I am in a different state; even more, a different TIME ZONE, at a different university, getting ready to ADVISE students as they come back to school and their own organizations, wishing at this very moment to be dyeing my hair, organizing discussion group times, making tutus, buying school supplies, and generally being at home at my undergrad.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of beginning a time in a new city, a new state, at a new university with a culture very different from the one I’m used to. I’m afraid of my new classes, hoping that I will be able to succeed as a graduate student. I’m afraid of being in a professional advisory capacity to students; afraid that I will be an insufficient helper to them in their times of greatest need. And I am deeply afraid that, in spite of my heart being so at home right now, my loved ones far away will forget about me.

But, as I have begun to discover, growing up is all about fear. It’s about recognizing what fears exist. It’s about acknowledging those fears, what they entail, and where they stem from. And, ultimately, it’s deciding that the direction in which I want to head in life—the path that I choose—is worth all the fear.

The relationships I will be building over the next two years, the students I will be interacting with and learning from, the professionals whose guidance will ground me and lead me, the beautiful new things I will be learning about my chosen profession—all these things make this pain, this fear, this sadness, WORTH IT.

Ultimately, I do need to accept the homesickness for what I am comfortable with and the fear that I will be forgotten.

But I also need to hold on to the truth that I know for a fact I am loved and supported even over those 1,000 miles, and those people are completely confident in me.

Even more than that, I need to embrace what the past has given me. But instead of letting the fear hold me back, I need to let the strength and knowledge I have gained over the past four years bolster my hope and give me the reassurance that I HAVE chosen the right path and profession for me. I WILL be learning a lot, and I MIGHT struggle sometimes, but the fact remains that my passion for this field remains, and I’m not going anywhere.

So, as orientation begins tomorrow, and as I begin to orient myself on the path towards a master’s degree and a professional career, I do miss my past, but I am letting it settle into me as the foundations for a bright and happy future on a new path, in a new place, with new and promising friends, mentors, and lessons to learn. My undergraduate career did much to make me who I am up ‘til now, but it’s time to take the leap towards the person I want to become.

Deep thoughts for a Sunday night, but, as one of my favorite authors says, “For each of us comes a time when we must be more than what we are.” (Lloyd Alexander)

My time is now. When is yours?

Happiness is two kinds of ice cream...

In what is assuredly (and hopefully) my most rushed post yet (for I am, once again, borderline going to be late for work), I’m going to expound a little bit on a new project.

In my quest for maturity and as mentioned in a previous post, I am seeking to be happy and/or content with myself and my situation at any given moment in the present. I think this speaks to my search for joy in general, and I’m trying to realize and be thankful for the blessings God gives me every single day and at every moment.

So, in trying to realize this endeavor (and perhaps achieve some self-actualization in the process [thanks Jung]), I am undertaking a project called The Happy List.

Combining several factors that make me happy in general—namely, tiny notebooks, writing, making lists, and thinking about positive things—I am starting to carry around a small notebook in which I make a list of things that make me happy. There are conditions to this list: first of all, FIVE items at a time must be added (in keeping with the theme of things that make me happy, which includes the number five). Secondly, any time I am feeling depressed, angry, listless, malcontent, just negative in general, I MUST add to this list. Thirdly, the things that make me happy MUST be things that are currently happening in my life, because my goal is to find contentment and joy in EVERY moment of EVERY day.

So far, this list is short and includes things like making my bed (which, surprisingly, DOES make me happy) and using gel pens (which has made me happy since the advent of the Gelly Roll fad, circa fifth grade), but I expect—especially with the kind of tedium and listlessness I’ve been experiencing lately—this list will soon be fruitful and multiply.

For today, I encourage you to make a small Happy List of your own. Not only does it immediately (if infinitesimally) improve your mood, it also opens your eyes and your heart to the wonderful world around us and the beautiful thing called LIFE.

Until next time :)

You live, you learn.

Well well well. Second post of the summer…with only one month of the summer left to go! That’s right, folks, in less than one month I will officially be starting the process of no longer being a Texas resident (heartbreaking, isn’t it?). The move to grad school takes place in 28 days, and a new segment of my growing up begins.

This summer has continued to be an extraordinary learning experience for me. When I say extraordinary, I don’t mean that it’s been full of “eureka!” moments, lightning-bolt revelations, far-out adventures, or anything else that I would normally call extraordinary. No, this summer has been out of the ordinary for its very noticeable LACK of any kind of excitement. At all. As mentioned before, my days have fallen into a very specific rut. Work and working out, with the occasional outing with friends. My birthday passed VERY inconspicuously and almost unimportantly. I still have three weeks before I head out for the only adventures of my summer—two weddings and a cross-country drive to school.

However, even without adventures of any kind, I HAVE been learning this summer. I’ve learned lots about myself and how I operate. For example, I work best with at least 8 hours of sleep and 2 cups of coffee in the morning. Minor things, maybe, but if I want to be at ALL a contributing worker in my assistantship next year, I’m going to need to remember those things. I’ve also learned that, although I like solitude, every once in a while I DO need my friends. I am very blessed with a group of high school friends that has kept in touch even after the past four years, and they have definitely lightened the monotony of this summer. I have also come to appreciate the fact that I need my college friends, too. Without weekly phone calls from some of my best friends, my solitude would definitely have already turned to loneliness.

Surprisingly, I’ve learned that I miss learning in an academic setting. Life without school itself, without peers and professors and discussions and readings, is NOT a life that I want to have right now. I respect all of you who have already started working for your living, because I cannot imagine (right now, anyway) a life without school in my immediate future. I LOVE learning new things, and although my life lessons have helped, I am READY to be back in the classroom.

I’ve learned more about what motivates me…and what doesn’t. I’ve learned about life through watching and interacting with my parents, and what they do to make our family work. (I’m definitely taking notes on that and storing them up for eventual use). I’ve learned that, even if my job isn’t my favorite, coming home to my room and my bed at the end of the day can solve MOST of my problems.

I’ve learned practical things, too. I learned how to check my tire pressure. I learned how to eat and live healthfully (a continuing process, I assure you). I learned how gift wrap better, how to keep a boutique looking neat and exciting, and how to appreciate soccer more. (Thank you, World Cup 2010).

I don’t know how much I’ve changed so far over this summer. I don’t know if there’s a gauge for “maturity” (which I’m DEFINITELY learning is a subjective term), and if my little indicator needle has been scooting its way infinitesimally towards “adult.” I don’t know how much I WANT to be considered an “adult,” because if I’ve learned one thing so far, growing up is HARD.

I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far this summer is that not only do I need help during this growing up process, the best thing I can do to make my process easier is to be there for others while THEY grow up. Not just my friends, but my parents, too (FYI: your parents don’t have any more fun being an adult than you do!

So now the waiting game continues. I wait with bated breath ‘til I get to go on my short vacations for weddings and visits. I wait with anxiety and with EXTREME excitement for my move to graduate school. And I wait to see what other lessons this summer will throw at me, in the short time it has left.

Until next time!

summertime, and the livin' is... easy?

Well, I totally intended for this blog to keep up better with my adventures. But you know what they say… the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley. (What does that even mean?)

So far this summer has involved a LOT more growing up than I expected. It started with graduation from college, which was SO hard in and of itself. As the school year wound down, I started to realize that many of the people I see every day would slowly fade out of my life. The people that I call some of my best friends are people that I probably won’t see but once or twice within the next few years. Dealing with THAT was hard enough, in addition to moving out of my beautiful apartment #78. So many good times were had there, and it was hard to leave knowing that, even though we’re paying rent for the summer (darn the lack of subleasers!), #78 isn’t “my apartment”—or my home—any more.

Next phase of growing up? Moving home. You know, when you think about moving in with your parents, you think you’ll get to regress to this blissful state of childhood where mommy cooks you every meal and daddy lets you stay up late and watch TV with him. You have to do chores occasionally, but your parents are so happy to have you home that they give you a little reprieve! Well, hate to break it to you, but returning home requires more maturity than moving on your own does (and I’m sure many of you can attest to this). On the one hand, your parents expect you to continue taking care of yourself and providing for yourself (i.e. I cook most of my meals, do my laundry, clean my own room, and have a part-time job) as you have while you’ve been living on your own. On the other hand, they also expect you to adjust to living with them as adults—to respect the rules of THEIR house and to not impose yourself too much on the routine they’ve established (and been very happy with) while you were at college for four years. Don’t get me wrong, my parents are glad to have me home for the summer, especially because they realize (and hope desperately) that I will never be living with them again, so it’s definitely a sort of gift. But there’s something truly hard about having to re-adjust to living at home after four years on your own, AND to make it pleasant for all parties involved.

I DEFINITELY get lonesome for college. It’s hard to see everyone’s Facebook chatter about how awesome Northgate is, and how awesome it is to be in a college town for the summer, and how AWESOME all their involvement is, etc. It’s especially hard to live so far away from school and to not be able to go visit but once this entire summer. I have had some respite from the lonely—I’ve had a great time reconnecting with my best friends from high school. I had the opportunity to go to Austin a few weekends ago to see two of my best friends in the whole world. And at the end of July/beginning of August, I have TWO weddings and a trip to c-stat to look forward to! But in the meantime, I have the same routine EVERY DAY—another facet of the whole growing up thing.

A HUGE part of the maturing process for me this summer has been working out. Senior year at school, I did absolutely nada to stay in shape. I turned 21 and so my body faced all the rigors that come with an active nightlife, and I rarely, if ever, visited the Rec Center to work off anything I was eating or drinking. Needless to say, I graduated college looking significantly different from when I began it. So the parents and I sat down and, after some resistance on my part, got me a personal trainer and a new diet for the summer. I’ve been thankful this whole time, but it was a difficult adjustment (and still is, some days) because I have NEVER, EVER enjoyed working out. For me, exercise is something that I’m supposed to do but that sucks fun out of my life for 30 minutes to an hour every day. Why go running when I can sit down and read a book, or visit with friends, or go out to eat? Well, I had to realize that, as in every aspect of becoming mature, growing up involves doing a LOT of things that you know suck a lot, but you do them anyway because you’re supposed to. I’ve been working out for almost 5 weeks now, and I’ve lost close to 15 pounds since the beginning of the summer! I’m really proud of myself, and I’m especially excited that I’ve found certain things that I don’t hate. (On this note, if you ever get a chance to do a Zumba class—Latin-inspired cardio dance—I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!)

One of the most recent parts of my growing up journey has been my part-time job. I like my bosses, I like the women I work with, I think the boutique where I work is ADORABLE… but working in retail is not something permanent in my life, and while at school I got into this mindset that if it doesn’t benefit the future, it’s a waste of time. I need to shake off this attitude as part of the growing up thing, though, and I’ll tell you why. First of all, there’s significant knowledge to be gained in stopping right where you are in life, sitting down, taking stock of where and who you are, and just ENJOYING THE MOMENT. I have to remind myself of this every day, but since I’m home for the summer and working in this job for at least another month, there’s no reason I shouldn’t try to find at least a little bit of joy in it every day. Second, my job IS helping me for the future… I’m making money! Sure, I’m not banking by any means, but all the money I’ve been spending recently is left over from my graduation cache, so all of my paychecks are going into SAVINGS! My years at grad school are going to be FULL of spending more money—especially because I’ll be coming home for (hopefully) two weddings next summer alone—so every little bit that I’m making now is more than worthwhile.

So within the moments of difficulty I’ve found moments of joy, and I think this summer will definitely be one to remember. Perhaps it won’t be on the level of last summer—roadtrips every weekend, out dancing and having a blast every Thursday night, days by the pool—but it will be full of milestones marking personal growth, and full of time with the people that love me best.

Until next time (which will definitely NOT be three more months from now), love to all :)

pretty mama, come and take me by the hand

It’s getting near summer. I can feel it in the air; I can feel it in my blood. Summer is MY time of year. I love the heat. I love the lazy days. I love the music. I love the water. I love my birthday. I love the feeling that the day is going to last forever, but so is the night.

This summer is going to be… well, different. For the first time I’m not doing organizational crap. For the first time, I’m going to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE. Of course, grad school looms, but this is the first summer where I truly feel like I’m going to be an adult. I’ll be living at home, yes, but I’ll be working (hopefully a job that actually relates to my future career…) full-time. I’m hoping to get back here to visit the friends who are still in college, but I foresee SO much money-making and NOT a lot of money-spending.

In my quest to be grown-up, budgeting is still an obstacle I haven’t surmounted. [Procrastination is another, but that’s going to be saved for another time… irony, no?] So this summer is going to be an experiment in budgeting—can I be an adult about working the maximum hours I can to get the maximum amount of money, and limiting my activities to the minimum amount of money spent for the maximum amount of fun?

I’m getting ahead of myself. The end of school still looms… three term papers, applications and selections for organizations, and final events like dances, socials, and banquets. I find myself waxing nostalgic about my college days (these really have been the BEST days of my life), but less apprehensive and more excited about my future, especially now that I know where I’m going and what I’m doing. The next seven weeks especially involve me trying to solidify friendships and let the beautiful and wonderful people I’ve met during my time here know that I want to be their friend long beyond college, and I’m going to do my best to keep up with our relationship. I’ve started to tie up emotional loose ends [more about that in another post soon], and to really invest in my friends.

One way or another, summer2010 is going to be a beautiful thing. And a thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Questions?

So this is... umm... the fifth blog I have had in my lifetime. I've tried out the range, from blogpod to xanga to livejournal to tumblr (if you can't tell, I like to blog. It's a weakness).

What I'm REALLY trying to get to is the fact that I'm a different person than I was ten years ago, five years ago, one year ago, even six months ago. Yet I'm still... essentially... me. So I hope to begin documenting the things in my life that are reshaping and recreating who I am. And, of course, that's the baseline: the quest to discover who I am. I want to collect all the little bits and pieces that make me uniquely me. And maybe, through doing this, I'll be more confident in what I plan to do with my life: developing college students. Because, heck, if my advisors and mentors weren't in the positions they're in now and fairly confident in their lives and abilities, then there is no possible way that I would be where I am now. So I want to be able to do that for my future students and mentees and friends.

I think. I hope. Welp, we all have to start somewhere.

On the verge of a lot of change, I'm scared of what's next. Well, apprehensive. But if I'm gonna do this whole grown-up thing, I'm just going to have to FACE those fears... and make sure they don't become realities. Confidence, woman. Confidence.